Jump to content

Bouncing between hopeful and hopeless


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

I noticed lately that my ex-boyfriend has been inactive on Facebook. When we were together and even during the couple of weeks before and after our breakup, he would like posts non-stop, post links to good articles, post pictures of him partying and on surf trips. He'd get tagged. He was pretty much active right after the breakup.

 

Note that during this time, I had him on block because I felt going NC was the best way to heal from the nasty breakup.

 

We reconnected 40 days after NC. I found out he was sick and I was genuinely concerned and worried for him so I reached out and said I hope that he was doing okay and that it was nothing serious. We started talking again, but drama ensued when his other ex-girlfriend (with whom he's sharing the lease/contract to their expensive apartment with) found out. Started a fight with him after she noticed that I had "unblocked" her on Facebook (I had blocked her because I had a feeling she was stalking me), which forced him to put us both in a Facebook chat group to deal with each other. He declared to both of us that he did not wish to be in a relationship with either of us.

 

During the course of this conversation with her and him, she kept playing the victim. Blamed me for the end of their relationship (they broke up because she had wanted kids and he didn't, they've been together on/off for 12 years). When she found out he was moving on from her with me, she changed her mind about kids and tried to rekindle things with him. I tried to keep calm and not play the villain. I told her she wasn't the only one who was hurt. Being the rebound, it hurt me as well and that I genuinely cared for him (and I actually at some point did care about her feelings). Additionally, he got me pregnant accidentally and I decided to keep the baby. She had somehow convinced him I did this to trap him.

 

I kept the baby, knowing full well his stand on children. My stand on children was that I don't want any in the near future, but if I ever get pregnant, I will NOT abort and I will have to simply re-arrange my life/plans to be a single mom. I told him I would not pressure him to marry me or act as the father: I kept my door open. I'd rather have a willing father and partner than a reluctant one. The baby died two weeks after he was born. He was born premature.

 

Though before the drama happened, my ex-boyfriend has been excited to see me often again, he did a 180 and told me he'd be very busy planning for the next few months: (1) to move out of their apartment, (2) to move out of the country and (3) to get his finances in order. He said he didn't want to see me right now but that "hanging out sometime in the future would be great." I took this to mean that he wants me out of his life. Whether the other ex-girlfriend gave him an ultimatum or not doesn't matter to me anymore.

 

OK, End of back story.

 

Anyway, I noticed he hasn't been active on Facebook lately. Neither of us has initiated any contact. A week ago, I noticed him online/playing on League of Legends after a long period of inactivity (I introduced him to this game). I played one game and then went offline to eat. When I came back online, he was gone after playing 3 bot games and he went online on Facebook chat. I figured this was his way of letting me know he wasn't busy anymore and that I could reach out. (I'm giving the game thing significance because during our first 3 months, we broke up because we were having arguments about our stance on open relationships. We stopped talking to each other for a couple of weeks; we started talking again when I reached out to him on LoL, gave him tips on how to play jungle.)

 

It's been almost 30 days now since our last conversation. Officially we've been broken up for 4 months now. I miss him terribly but the ball is in his court. I'm just wondering why he's inactive on Facebook and if he really did want me out of his life, he would have unfriended or blocked me. (Note: The other ex-girlfriend blocked me on Facebook a few days after the drama). He knows I'm still grieving for my baby and that it's affecting my job (we work together), but when he confronted me about this, I assured him I can handle it. I was honest and told him that it took a while for me to pick up the pieces when he left me, and that I'm just now trying to move on. He responded coldly: "You don't have to apologize for my job. It's my job to step in if there are issues."

 

Why is he inactive on Facebook? He's always the more popular between us too. Is he sad? Should I reach out? But I don't want to be a gnat. :(

Posted

Sorry for the loss of your baby. I can't imagine what you went through and are still going through.

 

On the topic of your ex, everything you have typed is why it is important to go full NC (including no social media stalking). You are now trying to find meaning in everything he does or does not do online. All that does is drive you crazy and prevents you from moving on. Focus on his words and actions. He has stated he doesn't want to be with you and his actions are matching that because he hasn't reached out to make any attempt at reconciliation. When a guy wants to be with you and fears losing you, he makes substantive attempts to reconcile. It's just that simple. Please don't reach out again. Focus on your recovery and moving on. If he wants you back, he knows how to find you.

  • Author
Posted

Funny thing he just reached out to me now. A former co-worker's kid just passed away.

 

He asked out of nowhere if I went to see his family. I said no, but I sent my condolences, and asked why he wanted to know. He said he was just wondering if I did since my manager went to the wake. He told me that he would be going too. I said I need to finish some pending tasks at work, but that I would pay my respects before the end of the week. He reiterated that he was just wondering if I went.

 

I honestly do not know how to respond. Or what he hopes to accomplish. I feel he's testing the waters to see if I'm cutting him off again.

 

I do have a theory. I went offline on Facebook and all chat apps last weekend because I went to a grief counseling/retreat thing. I'm guessing he's curious what I was up to. God I hate mind games. What's the best way to get him to actually, really open up.

Posted

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. That must have been so hard for you.

I wonder if maybe you are viewing the facebook situation through veiled lenses or blinders. There are an infinite number of reasons why your ex-boyfriend may not have been online lately. It sounds like you guys had some great times together, but maybe it is time to look to the future. From what you said, he is trying to move on with his future as well. You can’t determine what he is thinking or change his behavior, but you can control you. I would encourage you to look to the future and think positive thoughts. What can you do with your future? What are your goals? In the process of reaching your own goals, you may just find the guy you are needing and looking for. It sounds like you might also be struggling with some bouts of depression that are affecting your job. Have you thought about seeing a counselor or talking to a pastor? They can help you work through those feelings and help you to look to the future. Journaling could also be helpful. Praying for you!

  • Author
Posted

Frustrating. He said he was just wondering how things were going since the guys at work know I lost my child too. I'm like "So what? Can't you just wonder in silence?!?!"

×
×
  • Create New...