Feeling worried

[donutgirl]

hi everyone, I feel a little worried right now and I don't want to be. My husband is the greatest guy ever and I feel guilty for even thinking he is one of those type of guys. I will admit i have thought of it from time to time. He is super sexy, athletic, great charisma and has lots of friends. But he is, or has been always really good at shutting the chicks that come after him done. And trust me there are plenty.

 

a little about us:

 

We have been together for 6 years since we were teenagers. We got married last year when I finished my degree. He is a two years older than me and finished his schooling before me. No kids but we have been talking it. I thankfully have a career where having a baby won't hinder it. He has a steady job and we really do have a great life. No real big problems just minor things normal couples go through I suppose.

 

Something just happened this last week that has bothered me a lot. He works with mainly men in his line of work but there are a few women as well. Some of them older and some younger than us and very pretty. He tells me everything about his day at work and always is super open about it. But last week I noticed him mentioning this new woman's name a lot. To be fair he talked about everyone in this work course he was taking, male and female. But he had never mentioned this woman before. I asked who she was and he said they didn't ever work at the same time as they have opposite schedules. He said she is quite a bit older than us and married with kids. He didn't talk about her a lot or more than anyone else. And so I dismissed it. This was on Wednesday. On Saturday I wasn't working so I picked him up from the course and that is when I got this really sick feeling in my stomach. He was walking out of the class with his group. There are five of them and I being curious started putting faces to names. And right away I knew who she was. And I felt like someone punched me because I had imagined someone close to 40 and motherly by what he said. She looks younger than me and is bubbly and cute type.

 

They were talking to each other and laughing. I saw her wave at him and then I quickly looked down at my phone so he wouldn't see me watching.

 

Am I over reacting? I don't want to be a b*tch but I think he lied to me about her or at least purposefully mislead me. He has noticed me off but I just blamed that time of the month.

 

Someone please help me stop fretting over this.

[Celestial-dreamer]

*******First things first, find out for sure this woman is who you think it is. THEN you can start to worry, she may be a friend/GF of one of the others***********

 

BUT, he's never mentioned this woman before....odd. He said she is older, married, mumsy? yet she isn't. Again, odd. You don't want to feel a b***h for thinking that of him, yet IF this woman IS who you think.....then this amazing wonderful H of yours HAS lied to you. It does sound a tad suspicious. Maybe ask him who was there as you hadn't seen her before. See what he says. IF he says it's Miss X then say, you said she was older etc....watch his reaction carefully. Don't accuse.

[m.snow]

trust your gut instinct.

 

people who really love their spouses can sense even the slightest change in behavior

 

check his facebook,phone, computer, emails.

 

what ever you do, don't get caught snooping.

 

i firmly believe in trust but verify!

buy a VAR(Voice Activated Recorder)! buy a good one.

put under car seat.

 

dig some information about this woman. she is married right? who is her husband?

Edited September 8, 2015 by m.snow

[jen1447]

If your relationship with your husband's good, I'd just ask him about it. Honesty and forthrightness and all that. If you have it, that's much better than going all detective, which'll either make you feel paranoid or creepy for having run around behind his back. Don't be that person unless you really have to be.

[donutgirl]

I did do a little bit of snooping after posting. I looked for her on facebook and couldn't find her. She has a very unique name but still nothing came up. I even tried making a fake account to see her in case I was blocked. Still nothing. I am very ashamed to say I did try to check my husband's email, phone and Facebook. I couldn't remember his passwords so I had to use his computer and phone to snoop. I didn't find anything so that is good right? If he was involved with her there would be something? And maybe my gut is wrong. I don't think he would ever cheat. he's a lot better than that. Maybe I was getting a weird vibe from her.

 

I can't ask him now. i tried but it would be weird now so many days later. Maybe I will ask if she comes up again.

[BetrayedH]

I'm typically the guy that says to quietly investigate. But you really don't have a lot of red flags here. And while some cheaters go to good lengths to delete messages and otherwise hide their tracks, a lot are busted by just a quick phone search.

 

I'd advise you to look online for other "signs" of a cheater and see what your gut says after that. I don't think you need to go into full investigative mode but keep your radar up for things like missing time, weird expenses, excessive texting, phone always attached to him and locked down, etc.. If you have more signs, it might be time to investigate further. We can certainly help with that.

 

I would, however, discourage you from sharing your suspicions. Once a cheater senses that you're onto them, you've ruined your chances of ever getting the truth - everything is deleted and better methods of obfuscation are employed. If you really suspect something, keep your mouth shut.

[Mrin]

Wait. Do I have this right?

 

You are married to this great guy, super sexy, has women flirting with him all the time. But he's a great guy, very open with you. Always shuts them down.

 

The other day he was talking about some of the people at work or in his class. He mentions some woman. Says she's older, married and has kids. But they don't normally work together. But that's not uncommon for him to talk about people he works with.

 

Then you go to pick him up one day. And you see him walking out with some people/coworkers. And one of the people is a really good looking woman that he's talking to.

 

And all of a sudden you're flipping out thinking something is up? And we actually have a poster above suggesting you invade his privacy and even go so far as to get a hidden voice recorder? And you're trying to Facebook stalk this woman - even going so far as to create a fake account. And you're trying to hack into his phone and email? And you don't even know if this female coworker you saw him talking with is even the same woman that he had the misfortune of mentioning her name to you?

 

Am I missing something here? I'm not seeing really anything here that he did wrong. Someone said "LIED" above. You even said "mislead". I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing it.

 

Is there something else going on that has you on red alert? Is there some change in his behavior or something you two are working through that has given you cause for alarm? Are you normally worried like this with him recently?

[m.snow]

again buy a VAR. put under car seat. specially those company night outs.

 

snooping is a reactive approach.

 

find ways to be proactive. just love your husband more.

 

a hint of jealousy is always fine. shows how much you really love your spouse.

[donutgirl]

Wait. Do I have this right?

 

You are married to this great guy, super sexy, has women flirting with him all the time. But he's a great guy, very open with you. Always shuts them down.

 

The other day he was talking about some of the people at work or in his class. He mentions some woman. Says she's older, married and has kids. But they don't normally work together. But that's not uncommon for him to talk about people he works with.

 

Then you go to pick him up one day. And you see him walking out with some people/coworkers. And one of the people is a really good looking woman that he's talking to.

 

And all of a sudden you're flipping out thinking something is up? And we actually have a poster above suggesting you invade his privacy and even go so far as to get a hidden voice recorder? And you're trying to Facebook stalk this woman - even going so far as to create a fake account. And you're trying to hack into his phone and email? And you don't even know if this female coworker you saw him talking with is even the same woman that he had the misfortune of mentioning her name to you?

 

Am I missing something here? I'm not seeing really anything here that he did wrong. Someone said "LIED" above. You even said "mislead". I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing it.

 

Is there something else going on that has you on red alert? Is there some change in his behavior or something you two are working through that has given you cause for alarm? Are you normally worried like this with him recently?

 

when put like that it does seem crazy. And I can't lie and say I have never had moments of jealousy before but they always passed. For some reason this time I am really worried and trying not to be. He is working a lot and I miss him but we are still getting along really well. And like I said we have been talking baby. Which is why he is working so much overtime and taking courses that will give him raises. It was very late when I did all the cyber stalking and now I feel really embarrassed. I was reading stories of people who were cheated on and I don't know what came over me. Maybe I should confess to him that I snooped?

 

I am almost 100% positive the cute little thing was the same person as the older soccer mom. I saw the class list when he was approved for it. I knew who the other three were and he never mentioned someone else taking a different spot. So even if she wasn't the soccer mom that means there was another woman who I have no idea who she is taking the course with him all week as well. Going for lunch together and spending a lot of time in each other's space. I didn't want to give away too much personal info but the course he was taking is a hands on course that requires a lot of touching.

[donutgirl]

again buy a VAR. put under car seat. specially those company night outs.

 

snooping is a reactive approach.

 

find ways to be proactive. just love your husband more.

 

a hint of jealousy is always fine. shows how much you really love your spouse.

 

I googled VAR and couldn't see what you mean by it. I don't think you mean any of he definitions that came up on Wikipedia or "value at risk". Do you mind telling me what it is?

[Marc878]

Gut feelings are important.

 

I'd bring in up next time I got the opportunity.

 

I'm a firm believer in full transparency for all cells, pcs, social media etc

[m.snow]

I googled VAR and couldn't see what you mean by it. I don't think you mean any of he definitions that came up on Wikipedia or "value at risk". Do you mind telling me what it is?

 

Voice Activated Recorder..you can get those at walmart, besbuy or any electronics shop.

[jen1447]

I googled VAR and couldn't see what you mean by it. I don't think you mean any of he definitions that came up on Wikipedia or "value at risk". Do you mind telling me what it is?

 

A VAR is a voice activated recorder. Depending ion where you live, it may be a felony to record private conversations surreptitiously, so I'd be very careful with that. (Not to mention that doing so will totally put you in the Paranoid Patty box.)

[m.snow]

A VAR is a voice activated recorder. Depending ion where you live, it may be a felony to record private conversations surreptitiously, so I'd be very careful with that. (Not to mention that doing so will totally put you in the Paranoid Patty box.)

 

its not like his husband is gonna send her to jail for it.

 

most states allow var's anyway just check with your local laws.

 

again its not like the husband would just call the cops on her.

most likely he husband wont even know what its for.

[qubist]

I googled VAR and couldn't see what you mean by it. I don't think you mean any of he definitions that came up on Wikipedia or "value at risk". Do you mind telling me what it is?

 

VAR is a voice activated recorder you can find it everywhere even Walmart has it. I think you are overreacting it is normal to be jealous just don't let it control you,

I don't know what kind of relationship you guys have but if thing is good enough that you would share these thoughts with him then go ahead and tell him that you are jealous and need more assurance from him, if not you should make that your proirity

[jen1447]

its not like his husband is gonna send her to jail for it.

 

most states allow var's anyway just check with your local laws.

 

again its not like the husband would just call the cops on her.

most likely he husband wont even know what its for.

 

Quite incorrect - there are 12 two party (or "all" party) consent states in the US, but regardless of those laws, it's "almost always illegal to record a conversation to which you are not a party, do not have consent to tape, and could not naturally overhear." - See more at: Introduction | Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press

 

So there are very real and distinct criminal and civil repercussions that ppl who violate these laws may be exposed to. Not sth to be trifled with at all.

[greaterdevil]

is it possible that your husband described her as being less attractive than you perceive her to be because he knows that you are prone to jealousy?

 

not trying to tell you that you're wrong, but it sounds like something I would do. Usually if describing a female coworker to a partner I usually don't say "oh yeah, she is younger and hotter than you." even if the coworker is very attractive, i tend to describe her in a light that would have no possibility of my partner thinking that i am attracted to her.

 

if your husband is a charismatic, handsome man I wouldn't worry about him waving to or laughing with a coworker, even if you think she's hot.

 

the truth is, he probably knows she's attractive but wants to make you feel good and safe and like you're the only woman he has eyes for.

 

anyway, that's just my take on it. you know your husband better than I, but if it was me (if I was him) that is what I would be doing. not cheating.

 

good luck

[elaine567]

I know that people who are enamoured with another person tend to want to speak about that person, to anyone who will listen including their spouses. They are besotted, and whilst they may keep it all above board and seem like it is just conversation, they will keep bringing that person up, at every opportunity.

 

YOU: Let's go swimming, haven't been in ages.

Him: Yes, great idea, Emma takes her kids swimming at the new pool down town. Emma says it is a fantastic place. We can have lunch there too, Emma says the steak is out of this world.

 

At the moment, he is has just mentioned her.

Stay quiet and act completely normal, don't ask about her and see if he continues to bring her up up in the conversation a lot. If he does, then you may be right to be worried.

[oldshirt]

Has any of his habits, behaviors, style of dress, grooming habits etc changed?

 

Is he doing anything suspicious like guarding his phone or going into another room or outside to answer a call or txt?

 

Has he started treating you differently (being more short, critical, disrespectful?

 

Any noticeable change in his behavior sexually such as a decrease or even an increase in interest in sex? Any new tricks or sexual activities that he's never done before? Any activities or kinks that he likes now that he's never had an interest in before?

 

Has be changed his online habits? Any late night online chats? Has he changed his passwords?

 

Has he been defensive or dismissive any time you ask where he's been or what he's been up to or where he's been?

 

Any unexplained absences or incidents of him being some place completely different than where he was supposed to be?

 

You mentioned he's been working extra and working late etc to raise more money, is that extra money actually accounted for in the bank?

 

Any unexplained charges on credit cards or unexplained check drafts or withdrawals from accounts??

[oldshirt]

In short, has anything changed or has he displayed any abrupt change in behavior or done anything that would cause a nuts and bolts suspicion in a reasonable person?

[oldshirt]

And conversely, have you had periods of extreme or unjustified insecurity or jealousy? Have you had any periods of paranoia or any kind of delusional think?

 

Have you ever had an occasion where you thought you finally had proof that someone was up to no good and when you confronted them, it turned out you were way off base?

 

 

This is all going to boil down to whether your concerns are due to his behavior or due to your insecurity or possible paranoia.

[Mr. Lucky]

They were talking to each other and laughing. I saw her wave at him and then I quickly looked down at my phone so he wouldn't see me watching.

 

I have at least half a dozen - and I'm sure my wife does too - interactions a day with people that, if taken out of context, might give the wrong impression.

 

Awareness of your partner is good, unwarranted hyper-suspicion isn't. Nothing here seems actionable and some of your snooping to this point already comes close to crossing the line. Trust is earned. sounds like he's already done so...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Celestial-dreamer]

 

Am I missing something here? I'm not seeing really anything here that he did wrong. Someone said "LIED" above. You even said "mislead". I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing it.

 

 

Erm, read OP's post. She says her H said this woman is older, married etc....yet according to OP, she isn't this older woman H made her out to be. So yes, in effect, he LIED to her about this other woman. Usually there's only one reason a guy lies to his W about an attractive co-worker.

 

Just to add in on the FB issue....are you sure your H doesn't have another FB? A burner phone? just saying as lots of people go that far to hide cheating. May sound extreme but it's usually the ones you DON'T suspect are at it, is because they are so damn good at hiding it. Not saying your H is that way though. This maybe nothing. Just sit tight, listen and watch. Be observant.

[donutgirl]

we haven't been having sex as much recently but I thought that was because he is working so much. A mutual thing really because i have been busy with my job as well. I can think of some other odd things but now I feel like I am just paranoid.

 

To give a better idea of why I got suspicious I'll try to be more clear on what happened. He is in a hands on course with work with four other coworkers and an instructor and they spend all day together. So he was coming home and talking about all of them. I knew all of them but her. She has a unique name so when I saw it on the list and then he mentioned her I askes who she was as I had never heard him mention her. That's when he told me she was a very motherly person with two kids and you could tell she was older than the rest of the class really easily. I guess I just imagined this soccer mom.

 

I did not imagine her right at all. But I think I will talk to him tonight. No more snooping. I feel really bad about that now.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. First let me say, REMEMBER you're on an infidelity forum! Most people here, including myself, have been deeply hurt in one way or another by infidelity & we have a natural bias.

 

I came here a few months ago with my own concerns. Yep! Turned out my H was having an A. Ugh!! I've stuck around here for the support. I must admit I frequently rolled my eyes at the start. There are regular members here who nearly always see betrayal. The REALLY frightening thing I've discovered is they're usually correct! Ugh!

 

Given my own life experiences I'd say "Trust your gut!". I've driven myself insane questioning what I'm doing wrong to cause the distance in my relationship. Each time the question "Is there another woman?" has crossed my mind (only a handful of times in 25 years) I've been right! I'm not a suspicious person. I've gone over a decade of not a moments doubt so when I do doubt now I believe that little voice inside.

 

There are so many innocent explanations BUT......

 

Keep an eye on things. Do you guys have complete transparency in your relationship? All the passwords etc? I think that's a good president in any M.