Too much false hope through Internet

[Liono84]

I've noticed that there seems to be an excessive amount of content out there on the web that really brings about a false sense of hope for dumpees with regards to reconciliations. Instead of helping dumpees move on, a lot of these sites and articles do just the opposite. In today's age where everyone googles anything and everything they have questions pertaining to, we stumble upon various outlets, some we never intended on looking through, and in hindsight, we are far better off not wasting our time on a lot of these sites that bring false hope. In the end, they only delay our healing.

 

I'm only saying this because I'm reflecting my own personal situation and I'm sure there are many in the same boat. I went through a recent breakup myself where I was dumped. I grieved for a few weeks and later finally accepted that the relationship was over and that I would never hear from her again. I still thought about her (Heck, I still do to this day as much as I hate to admit it ) but I was/am of the mindset that it's over. However, after awhile I started to wonder if my emotions were normal or not. I think a lot of the curiosity stems with the fact that as males, at least, we tend to hide our deepest emotions from our closest friends, and as oddly as it sounds, it's probably easier for males to ask these deep seeded questions to ppl online rather than their friends. Well, anyways, I came across countless of sites and articles telling people how "Dumpers always come back" or "Dumpers always have regret" etc etc., and it sort of delayed my healing. I got tangled up on reading countless personal accounts through forums, articles and sites for weeks and it really screwed me up because I then started thinking that there was a good likelihood my ex would contact me. Fast forward to a few more weeks and still NC from me or her and I just came to a realization that I was only fooling myself.

 

I just wanted to put my 2 cents in. Perhaps many of you who have been dumped never were as dumb as me to think for awhile that your ex didn't mean to dump you or that they would come back to reconcile in due time, but for those who were as foolish as me, I just want them to take a look from a birds eye view. STOP READING ALL THESE DUMPER REGRET STORIES. THEY ONLY DELAY YOUR HEALING TIME. I'm sure they do happen, but the odds are very much against you.

Edited September 8, 2015 by Liono84

[Oregon_Dude]

Agreed. Thanks for the perspective. My ex hasn't contacted me, apart from one early breadcrumb, and I'm still accepting that she isn't going to. I am still in a bit of denial. I think people who have reconciled need to understand how rare their situations are, and how lucky they are.

 

Fact is, though, the ones who leave aren't right for us anyway. This should be glaringly obvious but instead we just look for reasons why, what we did, and are stuck to this notion that they were perfect for us.. when clearly they were not.

 

With enough time and new experiences, dates, reclamation of self, we will understand that they are not coming back.. and we will be OK with this. The suffering comes from not moving on, and taking the steps to do so.

 

Think about it. If your ex had a hidden camera on you, what would you want them to see? You crying, or you exercising, dating, doing fun things?

 

I'm guessing we would ALL choose the latter.

[TunaCat]

Thank you for the reminder. I've had a rough time with ups and downs over the past (almost) six months.

 

Only over the past few days I've finally gotten to the point where I've made peace with the end of the relationship. I'm okay knowing that I'll never hear from him again. I'm okay knowing that he will never want me back.

[Samuel_22]

I've noticed that there seems to be an excessive amount of content out there on the web that really brings about a false sense of hope for dumpees with regards to reconciliations. Instead of helping dumpees move on, a lot of these sites and articles do just the opposite. In today's age where everyone googles anything and everything they have questions pertaining to, we stumble upon various outlets, some we never intended on looking through, and in hindsight, we are far better off not wasting our time on a lot of these sites that bring false hope. In the end, they only delay our healing.

 

I'm only saying this because I'm reflecting my own personal situation and I'm sure there are many in the same boat. I went through a recent breakup myself where I was dumped. I grieved for a few weeks and later finally accepted that the relationship was over and that I would never hear from her again. I still thought about her (Heck, I still do to this day as much as I hate to admit it ) but I was/am of the mindset that it's over. However, after awhile I started to wonder if my emotions were normal or not. I think a lot of the curiosity stems with the fact that as males, at least, we tend to hide our deepest emotions from our closest friends, and as oddly as it sounds, it's probably easier for males to ask these deep seeded questions to ppl online rather than their friends. Well, anyways, I came across countless of sites and articles telling people how "Dumpers always come back" or "Dumpers always have regret" etc etc., and it sort of delayed my healing. I got tangled up on reading countless personal accounts through forums, articles and sites for weeks and it really screwed me up because I then started thinking that there was a good likelihood my ex would contact me. Fast forward to a few more weeks and still NC from me or her and I just came to a realization that I was only fooling myself.

 

I just wanted to put my 2 cents in. Perhaps many of you who have been dumped never were as dumb as me to think for awhile that your ex didn't mean to dump you or that they would come back to reconcile in due time, but for those who were as foolish as me, I just want them to take a look from a birds eye view. STOP READING ALL THESE DUMPER REGRET STORIES. THEY ONLY DELAY YOUR HEALING TIME. I'm sure they do happen, but the odds are very much against you.

I disagree....well to be honest, for the initial days/weeks or sometimes months/ it all starts with these false hopes, without them, things can become even harder on the dumpee's side...as time passes by, the dumpee himself/herself starts to see the bigger picture, and accepts that it is over, you never inject the whole shot at once, it can cause a shock, it can even kill...you inject gradually, let your body accept the foreign material, and get used to it....the outcome? you have had the shot at the end of the day, but the difference is that, you have not shocked the patient, nor is the patient dead...this is what these web sites try to do...it is all based on psychology, I used to read these websites on the initial days of break up, they made me feel better, and now after 27 days of no contact, I do feel a lot better, and now I know that what I have read on these websites were false hopes...but 27 days have passed, and I don't care anymore...to the extent that I don't want her back anymore...you see? this is a process...sooner or later everyone accepts it is over...it takes time with/without false hopes

[Samuel_22]

Can the gradual method backfire? yes...can taking all hopes from a person at once backfire? yes....but in my point of view, odds are in favor of the gradual method....the other day, one of my friends who was on day 60th of no contact was down due to the break up, I started giving some hopes etc... guess what he told me? he told me he knows he doesn't want the lady back, and she was a pain, she just misses her, and does not even want a reconciliation....so you see the trick is done...now he will feel better and better as times passes by...it is just how I see this...cause it helped me a lot, at least it helped me stick to No contact on initial days of break up, which was so hard ...Do that and you won't hit the ground and make a mess. You float gracefully down

Good luck

Edited September 8, 2015 by Samuel_22

[adiamond]

guilty of spending too much time thinking about what i'd do if they came back...

[Oregon_Dude]

Ultimately it doesn't matter even if they did try to come back - which they WON'T. They don't have real feelings for you, plus - PLUS - you cannot trust them anymore, at least not any further than you can throw them.

 

Your time and energy is best spent at this point engaging with people who already know and love you, as well as making new friends and having fun dates. It's pretty cool to meet someone who knows nothing about you - a fresh start, if you will.

[Liono84]

Ultimately it doesn't matter even if they did try to come back - which they WON'T. They don't have real feelings for you, plus - PLUS - you cannot trust them anymore, at least not any further than you can throw them.

 

Your time and energy is best spent at this point engaging with people who already know and love you, as well as making new friends and having fun dates. It's pretty cool to meet someone who knows nothing about you - a fresh start, if you will.

 

 

^^ Agreed. No one ever said it would be easy but the point is, to continue to put yourself out there and move forward. Assume you'll never hear from your ex again because that is the most likely of all scenarios. Unless you're lucky, you'll likely encounter going on date(s) whereby you don't view the other person on the same level of your ex. Whether it's physically, non-physically or both. However, that shouldn't deter you from trying, because eventually, you will find him/her!

[Oregon_Dude]

Unless you're lucky, you'll likely encounter going on date(s) whereby you don't view the other person on the same level of your ex. Whether it's physically, non-physically or both. However, that shouldn't deter you from trying, because eventually, you will find him/her!

Yah. I had a date yesterday. She was cool, but not nearly as pretty as my ex. One thing I resent is having to answer questions about my life. My ex already knew that stuff, and (supposedly) accepted me. I hate having to explain myself, my job, my family, etc. It's boring.

 

Anyway, I feel like I'm not ready to date yet. The experience yesterday left me feeling empty. That said, I want to meet new women. I have several more dates lined up with other women right now, but I know I'm just going to be comparing them to the ex. The irony is that I'm sure they're more emotionally mature than ex, but I want HER - even though she's awful.

 

AGHH. I just want someone to know me like she knew me.

[Maggie4]

Of course those sites give you falso hope, it is because they are trying to sell you something! A method, a book, a video, they want people to make payment online for the secret to getting your ex back.

[kismetkismet]

So many pages like that exist because that's what so many people want to hear... articles like that get clicks which earns the website that hosts them money. Unfortunately :/

[Liono84]

Of course those sites give you falso hope, it is because they are trying to sell you something! A method, a book, a video, they want people to make payment online for the secret to getting your ex back.

 

So many pages like that exist because that's what so many people want to hear... articles like that get clicks which earns the website that hosts them money. Unfortunately :/

 

 

I'm not just talking about articles/books with their 'ponzi-like get back schemes.' I'm talking more along the lines of those countless "How to Get Your Dumper Back," "Do Dumpers Come Back" forums threads that are filtered everywhere across the web. It's fools-gold.

[Luke22]

What a good post. In in the denial phase. Hoping that things will go back to the the better days.

 

You are right. Don't break NC. I did and I'm heartbroken all over again. I'm at square one tonight.

[Samuel_22]

Those websites that tell you break NC, do this on a specific day and you will get your ex back are all BS...what we are talking about here, are false hopes of reconciliation,shared stories of exes coming back throughout the internet etc... and yeah they do help, stop acting like you did not give yourselves false hopes at the beginning of break up, we are human beings, in our darkest moments, we find something to cling onto...so even if nobody gives us any false hopes, we do...for all people sticking to NC is pivotal, breaking NC is a bad idea for dumpees under any circumstance...but being hopeful is something completely different, it helps you go through a stage, might prolong the process of healing, but still helps you carry on, and stick to NC for initial days of break up...as time passes by the dumpee let's the hope go...when he/she is ready to let it go and this is not a bad thing at all

[drseuss]

They are a load of crap ut whe your really in the early heartbreak day a little hope makens you feel better , i guess it just adds a weeknor two to the healing , the worsr thing i did was drifted back to reading all that sort of crap and it set me back ,

 

How did you break no contact luke22 ?

Edited September 9, 2015 by drseuss

[StellaGrace]

Insightful post imparted through lessons hard-learned. Nice of you to share.

(FYI- the term you used in the original post is deep-seated not deep seeded )

[Luke22]

Hey Dr Suess. NC was broken when she texted and wanted to see me. I agreed. False hopes. Had sex, she left. Following text messages were cold and distant.

 

My fault. Set me back.