redbluestar Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 (edited) This is my first post, and I literally just found this site. I don't know where else to go with this and just would love to hear if anyone else has gone through this or has some solid advice for me. My friends haven't been able to help me with this one unfortunately. The situation: (Sorry in advance for the long post. I tried to go back and delete stuff but I think having more details helps to understand the situation fully so I didn't want to delete much more) 6 months ago I met an Asian guy. (I am a white female) I have dated Asian guys in the past and didn't really think twice about the race thing as I'm very aware of how the culture goes etc. It has never really been a huge issue in the past. We have a 4 1/2 yr age gap. (I'm older than him and I'm 31) In all of my past relationships I've always been very good friends with all of my boyfriends friends, and had an amazing close bond with his family, mainly the parents. We've been living together for 4 or so months now, but the first month that I moved in I started to mention how I'd really like to meet his mom since he used to live with her and I know they have a close bond. She was very upset that he was moving out to live with me, and I wanted to kind of ease her mind about the situation as well as get to know her. He would give me excuses as to why I couldn't meet her for a while, but eventually he confessed that she had googled me (my real name is very unique and I have done a lot in my career so you can basically read my whole life story online) She found out my age, that I had a kid from a previous relationship from 10 years ago, and saw that I have facial piercings and tattoos and in short... she just kind of hated everything about me. On top of me not meeting his mom, I wasn't really allowed to meet ANYONE in his family and he kept me away from most of his friends except 2 brief meetings. I started to feel like he was ashamed of me and I was a piece of garbage. I worked so hard to accomplish so many things in life, many people would be proud to have a history like I do with accomplishments like mine, I'm also a very loving and dedicated partner, yet when it comes to this I feel like I don't deserve him. I just keep telling myself I'm not good enough for his mothers approval and I just am not good enough for this relationship in general. This feeling started to trigger my depression and I got really down on myself. I lost all my confidence, and really started to question our relationship and how long it would last like this. We started to get into arguments which stemmed from me not meeting anyone important in his life yet which lead to him leaving our house to go back and stay at his mom's house temporarily (his own personal decision) and complaining to his mom about me. She'd tell him to break up with me, and he would, but then we'd talk and we'd get back together. This happened twice. Today he's having dinner with her for her birthday and she wanted to ensure I was not coming with him, which makes me feel awful especially after all I said was "please tell your mom I said happy birthday". I feel like she really hates me and I didn't do anything to deserve it except live a life she doesn't approve of. He's not doing anything to really fight for our love. He says he tells her that he loves me and that we're working things out supposedly, but the one thing he hasn't told her is that I make him happy and that he wants to be with me for the long term. Why doesn't he tell her, "just meet her and give her a chance?" or (while kind of rude...) to "get over it" so that we can just meet and talk? I feel like there's so many things he could say, but he says nothing and just agrees with her and keeps me from meeting her. I feel like the more time goes by, the harder it's going to be to actually meet her. Most people will probably say "Just end it", and yes there are other reasons why I probably should on top of this... but the love sick idiot in me really wants to make this work and he too says he wants this to work. Things have been good with us lately despite this situ and I feel like our bond is getting stronger. I don't want to throw this away over her. I'm just looking for some advice on how to fix or at least make this situation easier. What do I do or what do I say? Do I let this go and give up on meeting her until things get SUPER serious with us (talk of engagement), give up on meeting her all together, or fight to meet her and have her get to know me? Anyone with AMWF experience would be GREATLY appreciated as I do think part of this IS a cultural issue specifically and I acknowledge that. Edited September 8, 2015 by redbluestar
d0nnivain Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 You moved in with a guy you knew for only 2 months & you are surprised problems are surfacing? Perhaps the mom is racist. You are never going to be able to change that. Either way you need to see this as a huge roadblock.
Author redbluestar Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 (edited) Ah, speaking of the editing process... I suppose I deleted a part I shouldn't have. I moved out 2 months in because of several factors. 1- My current living situation wasn't ideal. 2- He didn't like living at home anymore and makes more than enough money to move out, and thought it was time to move out anyway. 3- We were quite smitten with each other and spoke about things in the long term, so it seemed like no problem moving in together. 4- Also, I have had several serious long term relationships in the past. I moved in with all of them fairly early into the relationship as well with 0 issues EVER in the past. Him asking me to move in with him did not seem odd at all and I actually even delayed moving in for a couple weeks after he originally asked to ensure he was still sure about it. The issue isn't with us living together, it's with his mom. Us living together has nothing to do with it other than it sparked me wanting to meet her because of her disliking of her only son leaving the house. Also, She's not racist against white people. Another key point I didn't think necessary to add, but now it seems relevant... His mom divorced when he was young, and re-married a white guy. She is still married to him today. Edited September 8, 2015 by redbluestar Added reply to d0nnivain's thoery
kassy Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Is he the oldest son? Having lived in Asia most of my life, I doubt it's as much or a race issue, but the tattoos and piercings that make her not think you are a good match for her son. If he isn't willing to stand up to his mum now, he is unlikely to ever do that. Which includes marrying you when she tells him not to. I personally would forget mum for now. Focus on trying to meet his friends and rest of his family first. Mum may never come around to you. On a side note, just because you are ready to meet her doesn't mean he is ready for you to meet her. I would never introduce someone to my parents at 4 months. My brother on the other hand is ready to introduce anyone to our parent after just a few dates. It doesn't mean I don't like the guy, I just need to do things at my own pace. Start with the friends first Is my advice. If he won't introduce you to his friends then I'd let the relationship go personally.
Author redbluestar Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 (edited) Kassy, he is an only child. I talked to him more about this issue today and he shed more light on the situation... He said his mom is EXTREMELY judgmental. He said that he's trying to "protect" me from her because she knows how to get on his nerves and he's afraid she'll do it to me in the form of drilling me with tons of questions about my career, future goals, etc. Understandable. I personally just feel it's wrong for someone who has never met me to judge me and form an opinion of me based on what she read on the internet. That seems just silly. When it comes to his friends I went out of my way to reach out to them on facebook and they all think I'm really cool and they want to hang out with me. (They actually made plans to hang out with me this week) So I'm not sure why he was being weird about that. As for the timing thing... I can understand and respect your point of view, but for me when we're talking about future stuff and taking the steps necessary for a long term relationship I don't think it's odd to want to meet family members at that point. Family is important to me and it is to him as well, so if you're going to have a serious relationship I think that's an important part of the relationship to meet those people who are important in your significant others life, no? If I was 16 I'd say yeah 4 months means nothing, no need to meet parents etc. but at 31 I'm not having high school relationships anymore, I'm having serious long term relationships with the end goal being marriage and children. My big concern is what you said though, that if it comes down to it and things get serious and then there's talk of an engagement, what will he do? If she disapproves will he listen to her and not propose or not go through with the marriage or will he finally be a man about it and finally stand up to her on the issue. You're right though. I guess I'll cross that bridge when that time comes. For now I will forget about meeting her and just focus on other things. Thank you Edited September 8, 2015 by redbluestar
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