Gary S Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 That's horrible what happened to her. It pains me to say this, but as far as a relationship goes, it's called excess emotional baggage. Some people have too much.
empresario Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 This is a very sad story and I feel for you. I dated a woman that was raped a few months before I dated her. She didn't tell me for a year. She claims it was her experience and wasn't my place to help her through it. Fair enough. BUT, if I had known it would have made all of the things that happened in our relationship make a lot more sense. The little things. The intimacy issues. I can't say I would go through it all again. Truth be told, this girl is damaged. Severely. It may not be her fault but it doesn't change the truth. There is no 'easy' button that will turn this off. She may always have quirks that prevent you from having a quote "normal" intimacy life with her. You have to decide if you can handle all of this...because if you can't...you will do more damage than good. There are guys that will be patient with her. Are you one of them? But for the love of God, do not throw this in her face. At least preserve her dignity about something that happened before you...regardless of if it's affecting you now. Decide if you can go at her pace and empathize or if you can't. Those are your options.
Author kapelan Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 I've thought about it and decided I'm going to end things. It's too much to deal with and too much info to know before having real feelings for someone. I got a Facebook message from a guy I don't know (who I later found out to be her ex) saying "You better not hurt (her). If you aren't man enough walk away now." Not something I want to be dealing with. And I'm pissed at whichever one of my friends is going around talking about me and her. I'm pretty sure she knows that I know or is going to tell me. She called today asking if we can talk tomorrow (but not about ending things). How do I call it off without hurting her? 1
Jules Dash Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I've thought about it and decided I'm going to end things. It's too much to deal with and too much info to know before having real feelings for someone. I got a Facebook message from a guy I don't know (who I later found out to be her ex) saying "You better not hurt (her). If you aren't man enough walk away now." Not something I want to be dealing with. And I'm pissed at whichever one of my friends is going around talking about me and her. I'm pretty sure she knows that I know or is going to tell me. She called today asking if we can talk tomorrow (but not about ending things). How do I call it off without hurting her? That's tough, man. I don't think everyone is going to get away from this feeling like sunshine. She already has been violated which is a nightmare in itself now she cannot escape it because it is causing problems with her establishing relationships and keeping someone around. I feel sure about one thing. She probably won't want your pity. 2
writergal Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I've thought about it and decided I'm going to end things. It's too much to deal with and too much info to know before having real feelings for someone. I got a Facebook message from a guy I don't know (who I later found out to be her ex) saying "You better not hurt (her). If you aren't man enough walk away now." Not something I want to be dealing with. And I'm pissed at whichever one of my friends is going around talking about me and her. I'm pretty sure she knows that I know or is going to tell me. She called today asking if we can talk tomorrow (but not about ending things). How do I call it off without hurting her? It's only been 6 dates so just tell her the truth, but tell it slant (as my favorite American poet Emily Dickinson wrote). Tell her that while you have enjoyed hanging out with her, you don't feel like the two of you are compatible (and you're not, as it turns out). People who aren't compatible for whatever reason, shouldn't date. You don't need to tell her that you know about her past, and you don't need to tell her that her ex-boyfriend threatened you on Facebook (I hope you blocked him after he messaged you). Keep it short and simple. "I'm sorry, but after a lot of thought, I don't think we're compatible. Take care." After all, you haven't dated that long. I think you've made the best choice for yourself. You really don't need to take all of this on. You will find another single woman to date who is more compatible, who doesn't have the past issues that she has. Stay strong. You're doing the right thing by ending it with her now. Don't feel pressured or guilty to keep dating her either if she asks you to explain your reasons. You don't need to explain yourself. Just repeat to her, "we are not compatible. I'm sorry."
writergal Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 That's tough, man. I don't think everyone is going to get away from this feeling like sunshine. She already has been violated which is a nightmare in itself now she cannot escape it because it is causing problems with her establishing relationships and keeping someone around. I feel sure about one thing. She probably won't want your pity. No, but the OP doesn't owe her a relationship because of her past. If he doesn't want to move forward dating her, it's because he knows what's best for himself. The worst thing he could do is to stay with her out of guilt, which would go against what he needs right now - which she isn't the one to give to him. And that's ok. It's not a judgment against her. The OP knows his limits and that's admirable. She will find someone else to date. Plus, her ex-boyfriend is harassing the OP via Facebook, and that itself is a red flag of what's to come if the OP did continue to date her. Nothing worse than a jealous ex, to deal with when you date someone. Jealous exes are nothing but big trouble. The best thing the OP can do for himself, is to walk away from her and her past. They aren't compatible. And that's ok.
Maharishi Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 OP, I don't think you are the right man for her. She has been through SERIOUS trauma. She needs somebody who is patient and who really loves her rather than somebody concerned that his "need" for sex won't be fulfilled in a timely enough fashion.
Jules Dash Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 No, but the OP doesn't owe her a relationship because of her past. If he doesn't want to move forward dating her, it's because he knows what's best for himself. The worst thing he could do is to stay with her out of guilt, which would go against what he needs right now - which she isn't the one to give to him. And that's ok. It's not a judgment against her. The OP knows his limits and that's admirable. She will find someone else to date. Plus, her ex-boyfriend is harassing the OP via Facebook, and that itself is a red flag of what's to come if the OP did continue to date her. Nothing worse than a jealous ex, to deal with when you date someone. Jealous exes are nothing but big trouble. The best thing the OP can do for himself, is to walk away from her and her past. They aren't compatible. And that's ok. Like I said from the beginning, she is not right for him.
writergal Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Like I said from the beginning, she is not right for him. And you were correct. I think writing this thread helped the OP reach his conclusion that he needs to stop dating this woman. Hopefully it helped the OP to talk about it here.
m.snow Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 (edited) i dated a woman in college who was raped, she became a lesbian dated only women. after her rape in highschool, i was the first guy she ever dated since. we met on a part time job. we stayed together till we graduated college. we broke up she wanted to go back home. 3 mos later i found out she married her rapist. i found out about her rape history way before we were together. from her high school friends, from her on an open forum, and from her highschool principal who was her mom btw. Edited September 9, 2015 by m.snow
justabottle Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I'm 28, single and interested in a girl who is 26 also single and has a child. We've gone out on 6 dates in 4 weeks. I met her in one of my classes. Here's the thing, we haven't even held hands. I've tried to make advances, trust me. But even when I reach out for her hand she acts weird and pulls away and tucks her arms up. Once I held her hand for less than a minute and it was shaking non-stop. I've tried kissing her a few times and she moves away slightly and gets upset. I tried asking her what was up she said she wanted to go slow. I was about to move on but a couple days ago met up with some friends who know her. Said I was dating her, a few of them said they knew who she was. She dated a guy for a while who use to be a friend to a couple of them. They asked how it was going so I told them how we were moving slower than 8th graders. She was raped 9 years ago. By a gang as an initiation (rape a white girl, kill/beat a white boy). Someone who wants to be in that gang has to find a white girl and rape her, then the rest of the gang rapes her, sometimes kills her after. I told myself not to do it but googled it, found news articles on it and some court stuff. She was in the hospital for 5 months following the rape. Said there was 26 people in questioning. When she dated the friend of a friend, he spent 2 years just trying to get her to date him. Things went really slowly after that. My friends said eventually she acted normal, they dated for a couple years I think. It didn't take long for her to go out with me. We had a couple classes together last semester and talked a bit but not much. I asked her out when classes started a month ago and she said yes. But I don't know where to go from here. She has no clue that I know about the rape, I don't know if or when she planned on telling me. Do I tell her that I know? I don't know if I should continue seeing her or end it. Having a sexual relationship is something that I will need, I can wait a while. But I don't know how long or if she will even get to that point. TL;DR: Dating a girl with a child who was raped by a gang for a gang initiation. Gone on 6 dates and haven't even held hands. She doesn't know that I know about the rape. I don't know where to go from here. Just some inputs, I used to be molested by my neighbour when I was really young, like 6 years old. He forced me to do things like going down on him and him goind down on me. It really haunted me real bad even after I was attached to my current boyfriend. I used to think all guys are jerks before I met my current boyfriend. We took things really slow because of my phobia from the past, it was just something that I couldn't forget. My boyfriend brought up the issue of sex many times at many points of our relationship, and I can understand why you see sex as important. At that point, I didn't know why sex was important, but to him, it is not just sex, it was about making love and that he felt connected with me when we do that. It took a very long time to think, about 2 years before I decided that I want to do it with him. It took me almost a year before I decided to pluck my courage and tell him why I didn't want to have sex, and he understands that. And that he has been reassuring me that, it's not sex that he wants, it was the kind of intimacy that he needs. If you are really interested in having a long-term relationship with her, you will need to give her time and patience, and by that I mean, LOTS of it. The more you rush through it, the more it won't work out. Good luck!
wb1988 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Way too much baggage. Also the fact that she brings up "go slow" when it's just holding hands is ****ed up and makes it obvious that she's still years away from getting close to normal. Only date her if you're really desperate and are okay if there turns out to not be any fruits from your labor. 1
TB Rhine Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) I honestly don't know if I have the patience or not.That's your answer right there then. It's very unfortunate what happened to this woman, but if it's nine years later and she starts shaking if you even try to hold her hand... this woman has serious issues that she isn't anywhere NEAR sorting out. You're in for an uphill climb, and it doesn't sound like there's any substantive previous relationship built up that would oblige you to "sign up for that." I've thought about it and decided I'm going to end things. Wise choice. Let us know how it goes! Edited September 16, 2015 by TB Rhine
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