Dating a girl who was raped

[kapelan]

The rape happened in November, the child just had a birthday party. So unless she had sex right around the time of the rape, yes she is a child from rape. That does not bother me.

 

Sex is not the only concern of mine. Trust me. I am looking to settle down. I've been single for a couple years, no luck in the dating world. If I wasn't looking for a long term, marriage material girl I doubt I'd second guess this. But I am looking for someone to marry and have a family with.

 

There are so many more concerns that I have. Is she mentally ok? Not that I expect her to ever be. Has she been getting help? Is she looking for something long term too? Will this be something that I am reminded of every second of every day? Now that I know, I see it everywhere from our past dates. Will I be able to get the image out of my head? I have a couple black friends, I doubt she'd ever be able to be around them but I don't now.

[writergal]

You make a good point. Not telling her that I know wouldn't help her trust me at all. And no, sex is not all that I care about. I didn't mean it to come off that way.

 

Ok, I didn't see this post before I posted my last response. Still, I think her past sexual trauma and the fact that she has an 8 year old daughter is a lot for you to take on. If sex isn't your main goal, ok. But...you can't use it as a manipulation to get her to have sex with you either. If you tend to go back to ex-girlfriends to get sex when you're in a dry spell, or when you're with a woman who isn't giving you any sex, that tells me that you probably aren't ready for the type of commitment that this woman requires due to her past trauma and current role as a single Mom. Like Grumps said, it's good to know your limits and know when to say "when."

 

Do you think you can take this all on, and not revert to getting sex from ex-girlfriends while you wait for this woman to trust you and feel ready to have sex with you on her own time table with no pressure from you? Can you abstain from casual sex with exes while you date this woman? If you can't, please recognize that as your limit and leave her and her daughter alone and just remain platonic friends with her.

[kapelan]

Ok, I didn't see this post before I posted my last response. Still, I think her past sexual trauma and the fact that she has an 8 year old daughter is a lot for you to take on. If sex isn't your main goal, ok. But...you can't use it as a manipulation to get her to have sex with you either. If you tend to go back to ex-girlfriends to get sex when you're in a dry spell, or when you're with a woman who isn't giving you any sex, that tells me that you probably aren't ready for the type of commitment that this woman requires due to her past trauma and current role as a single Mom. Like Grumps said, it's good to know your limits and know when to say "when."

 

Do you think you can take this all on, and not revert to getting sex from ex-girlfriends while you wait for this woman to trust you and feel ready to have sex with you on her own time table with no pressure from you? Can you abstain from casual sex with exes while you date this woman? If you can't, please recognize that as your limit and leave her and her daughter alone and just remain platonic friends with her.

 

I don't know and that makes me hesitant. I want to say yes, I can withhold from sex and all other forms of intimacy no problem. But I never have. I know I would be fine for a while without sex if there was other forms of intimacy, like cuddling, kissing. But will that happen? Who knows. I do not know if she has had sex or gotten anywhere near to sex since being raped. Or before, for all I know, being raped has been her only sexual experience.

 

I don't want to hurt her, or her daughter (haven't met her yet).

[writergal]

The rape happened in November, the child just had a birthday party. So unless she had sex right around the time of the rape, yes she is a child from rape. That does not bother me.

 

Sex is not the only concern of mine. Trust me. I am looking to settle down. I've been single for a couple years, no luck in the dating world. If I wasn't looking for a long term, marriage material girl I doubt I'd second guess this. But I am looking for someone to marry and have a family with.

 

There are so many more concerns that I have. Is she mentally ok? Not that I expect her to ever be. Has she been getting help? Is she looking for something long term too? Will this be something that I am reminded of every second of every day? Now that I know, I see it everywhere from our past dates. Will I be able to get the image out of my head? I have a couple black friends, I doubt she'd ever be able to be around them but I don't now.

 

Your concerns are valid of course. Open communication with her is key. Ask her those questions if you need to know, in order to help you make an informed decision about this connection with her. You may never get the image of her being gang raped out of your head. That depends on you.

 

Some men would rather blame the rape victim and shame her for being a victim than confront their own guilt and fear over their gender doing that to the woman they are with. They internalize and project their negative emotions on to the woman they're with, which can lead to them verbally, physically, and sexually abusing their girlfriend/wife who was sexually abused because of the shame associated with it. Does that make sense?

[carhill]

IME, the past crept into our M in ways completely away from the obvious aspects of sex. Presuming her experience is authentic, rape, especially in the way she experienced, is about power and violence, not sex. Those emotional traumas can run far beyond the actual sex act. Additionally, if the daughter is the product of that experience, she gets a daily reminder of it. That's a lot for a young lady her age to process.

 

IMO, if you find yourself giving benefit of the doubt on behaviors you'd normally find bumping up against your boundaries, that's a canary to pay attention to.

[JustGettingBy]

The child is 8 years old.

 

I wanted to highlight this. In the original post, the poster stated that the woman in question was raped 9 years ago, meaning that as much as I may be jumping to conclusions, the OP may be implying that the child was born as a result of the rape, which would make 'getting over it' even harder than it already is.

 

You may have to confront her, stating that you prefer to get physical quickly and you ask if there's any reason she's hesitant. If she says no, you may have to let her go softly and explain you're not compatible. If she opens up about it, then you have two options either 1) softly let her go as before or 2) help her recover. Just make sure if you choose door number 2, you actually follow through.

[writergal]

I don't know and that makes me hesitant. I want to say yes, I can withhold from sex and all other forms of intimacy no problem. But I never have. I know I would be fine for a while without sex if there was other forms of intimacy, like cuddling, kissing. But will that happen? Who knows. I do not know if she has had sex or gotten anywhere near to sex since being raped. Or before, for all I know, being raped has been her only sexual experience.

 

I don't want to hurt her, or her daughter (haven't met her yet).

 

I think that's noble that you don't want to hurt her or her daughter. If she's not in counseling, maybe you could attend some sessions with her if your relationship progresses. I don't know. The more you talk with her openly about this, the more chance you have of understanding where she's coming from, what she's prepared to offer you with regards to dating and a relationship and what her limitations are and what she needs to overcome those limitations (trust, respect, patience, etc.).

[Maggie4]

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. Rape is not about sex, it is about violence. Try to leave sex out of it for now. First think of the situation in which she was beaten half to death or tortured in a traumatic experience. And from that, think about if you want to stay with her.

[kapelan]

I'm just sitting here thinking and cannot get the image of these guys raping her out of my mind. Now I worry if that would ever go away and if it'd be a problem. I don't want to think of her as a girl who was raped.

 

I am trying to understand that rape is about violence and control, not sex. But it's hard for me to separate the two. The physical act is the same as sex (penis in vagina) but it's not. I'm trying hard to sink that in. But she has a child from it (most likely) so obviously someone came in her so for them it was sex. Or it wasn't. I don't know.

 

If she had just be beaten I don't think I'd have these thoughts. But now all I think about is, if I touch her here (doesn't have to be sexual, like an arm/leg/face) what will that remind her of. I don't want to constantly be reminding her of the rape.

[TheBathWater]

I'm 28, single and interested in a girl who is 26 also single and has a child. We've gone out on 6 dates in 4 weeks. I met her in one of my classes. Here's the thing, we haven't even held hands. I've tried to make advances, trust me. But even when I reach out for her hand she acts weird and pulls away and tucks her arms up. Once I held her hand for less than a minute and it was shaking non-stop. I've tried kissing her a few times and she moves away slightly and gets upset. I tried asking her what was up she said she wanted to go slow. I was about to move on but a couple days ago met up with some friends who know her. Said I was dating her, a few of them said they knew who she was. She dated a guy for a while who use to be a friend to a couple of them. They asked how it was going so I told them how we were moving slower than 8th graders.

 

She was raped 9 years ago. By a gang as an initiation (rape a white girl, kill/beat a white boy). Someone who wants to be in that gang has to find a white girl and rape her, then the rest of the gang rapes her, sometimes kills her after. I told myself not to do it but googled it, found news articles on it and some court stuff. She was in the hospital for 5 months following the rape. Said there was 26 people in questioning.

 

When she dated the friend of a friend, he spent 2 years just trying to get her to date him. Things went really slowly after that. My friends said eventually she acted normal, they dated for a couple years I think.

 

It didn't take long for her to go out with me. We had a couple classes together last semester and talked a bit but not much. I asked her out when classes started a month ago and she said yes. But I don't know where to go from here. She has no clue that I know about the rape, I don't know if or when she planned on telling me. Do I tell her that I know? I don't know if I should continue seeing her or end it. Having a sexual relationship is something that I will need, I can wait a while. But I don't know how long or if she will even get to that point.

 

TL;DR: Dating a girl with a child who was raped by a gang for a gang initiation. Gone on 6 dates and haven't even held hands. She doesn't know that I know about the rape. I don't know where to go from here.

 

I am very sorry to hear about what the woman you are dating has been through. Sometimes, trauma can shatter a person's basic assumptions of people and benevolence in the world. There is no doubt that this event impacted her greatly. It sounds like she is a strong woman and has done enough healing to at least attempt intimacy and trust with another person, which is wonderful. She must see something good in you.

 

So, you don't know what to do. I can tell you from personal experience as well as working with many people in similar situations as you and this woman (I am a therapist) that it can be quite challenging to be in dating situations like this. Of course, you are a person too and have your own needs. You may even want to be the one who rescues her or helps her to become open again. This is normal. But how far are you willing to go? Can you accept that she may not let her guard down enough to how you would like for a woman to with you? Can you tolerate the uncertainty of not knowing if/when she will get some more healing? Can you bear the difficulty of it not being in your control? You will need to accept her as she is now, not knowing what things will be like months or years from now. I want to be clear that this experience does not define her, but it is part of her, and it is ultimately up to her how she works with it. Trauma remains in the background for many survivors. It never goes away (like any powerful memory), but it can also influence a survivor's life in both very positive and negative ways (again, like any powerful memory).

 

So, think about your needs. You obviously care about her. Think through some of the points I mentioned above for a while and see how things play out over time. If it were me, I would not mention to her what I knew. I would wait for her to tell me and then thank her for sharing that with you when she does. Let her lead the discussion and just keep on being the caring, warm, supportive man that you are.

 

Good luck!

[writergal]

I'm just sitting here thinking and cannot get the image of these guys raping her out of my mind. Now I worry if that would ever go away and if it'd be a problem. I don't want to think of her as a girl who was raped.

 

I am trying to understand that rape is about violence and control, not sex. But it's hard for me to separate the two. The physical act is the same as sex (penis in vagina) but it's not. I'm trying hard to sink that in. But she has a child from it (most likely) so obviously someone came in her so for them it was sex. Or it wasn't. I don't know.

 

If she had just be beaten I don't think I'd have these thoughts. But now all I think about is, if I touch her here (doesn't have to be sexual, like an arm/leg/face) what will that remind her of. I don't want to constantly be reminding her of the rape.

 

When you date an abused women, things that you need to consider are: she's a strong survivor (maybe not a perpetual victim - that's something you'll learn the longer you get to know her). Her abuse has changed everything about who she is, how she sees the world and how she interacts with it. Her abuse has in a sense, re-arranged her beliefs that she had before she was gang raped. Your beliefs? Your beliefs are your own, not hers.

 

Do not force your beliefs on to her and by that I mean, don't tell her how she should think, feel, or act as a survivor of being gang raped. She already knows because she survived it. Don't ask her to "get over your gang rape" so that you can have what you consider to be a normal dating relationship. She can never have normal again after what happened to her. Her new normal is not the same as another woman's normal whose never been sexually assaulted. So, her recovery is an ongoing process and will last however long it does, with whatever resources she utilizes along the way. Or, she'll never recover from it. There's no way for you to control her recovery. Your only role would be to support her as she recovers.

 

You don't have to worry that your physical touch will constantly remind her of her rape, because she'll let you know if and when anything you do or say may trigger her. That can't be predicted. That just has to happen. You can't control her - just yourself.

[Jules Dash]

I'm just sitting here thinking and cannot get the image of these guys raping her out of my mind. Now I worry if that would ever go away and if it'd be a problem. I don't want to think of her as a girl who was raped.

 

I am trying to understand that rape is about violence and control, not sex. But it's hard for me to separate the two. The physical act is the same as sex (penis in vagina) but it's not. I'm trying hard to sink that in. But she has a child from it (most likely) so obviously someone came in her so for them it was sex. Or it wasn't. I don't know.

 

If she had just be beaten I don't think I'd have these thoughts. But now all I think about is, if I touch her here (doesn't have to be sexual, like an arm/leg/face) what will that remind her of. I don't want to constantly be reminding her of the rape.

 

 

 

You are in a differrent mindset to be compatible with her, IMO. I just don't see her as being the woman for you from what you have described in this thread.

[Gloria25]

I'm just sitting here thinking and cannot get the image of these guys raping her out of my mind. Now I worry if that would ever go away and if it'd be a problem. I don't want to think of her as a girl who was raped.

 

I am trying to understand that rape is about violence and control, not sex. But it's hard for me to separate the two. The physical act is the same as sex (penis in vagina) but it's not. I'm trying hard to sink that in. But she has a child from it (most likely) so obviously someone came in her so for them it was sex. Or it wasn't. I don't know.

 

If she had just be beaten I don't think I'd have these thoughts. But now all I think about is, if I touch her here (doesn't have to be sexual, like an arm/leg/face) what will that remind her of. I don't want to constantly be reminding her of the rape.

 

Cuz, like I said - sex is different for men and women. Men can often minimize sex to just a physical act. For women it's connected to their soul (while now a days, women are being told different). And, regardless of gender - sexual assault, molestation, etc DOES affect a person to their core...it's not just a sexual act.

 

Seriously, you need to have a convo with her. You need to let her know you found out through rumors that she was raped and if that's what's affecting the sexual issues. Maybe you can do this with a counselor to help both of you. Cuz, at the end of the day this is a "couple" issue that IMO, would require a counselor to guide you two towards addressing it.

 

BTW, I had a soldier lie about rape. Thing was her bf found out she had sex with another guy and she cried rape to preserve the RL. The command was opening up an investigation against the guy and her bf went to kick the arse of the guy she falsely accused and she finally fessed up....Some women lie about rape...just sayin'

[Grumpybutfun]

Cuz, like I said - sex is different for men and women. Men can often minimize sex to just a physical act. For women it's connected to their soul (while now a days, women are being told different). And, regardless of gender - sexual assault, molestation, etc DOES affect a person to their core...it's not just a sexual act.

 

Seriously, you need to have a convo with her. You need to let her know you found out through rumors that she was raped and if that's what's affecting the sexual issues. Maybe you can do this with a counselor to help both of you. Cuz, at the end of the day this is a "couple" issue that IMO, would require a counselor to guide you two towards addressing it.

 

BTW, I had a soldier lie about rape. Thing was her bf found out she had sex with another guy and she cried rape to preserve the RL. The command was opening up an investigation against the guy and her bf went to kick the arse of the guy she falsely accused and she finally fessed up....Some women lie about rape...just sayin'

 

Please stop.....your MRA validation is in the mail. Wtf? I was also in the military for twenty five years, retired.......learn that your experiences are just a slice of life.

Some men rape, just sayin'. If you were really in the military, you would know that.

SMH,

Grumps

[Vercetti]

Cold or not, next. Problem solved. Sad her mind got fragged, just there is nothing you can do. A life of therapy and meditations perhaps wouldn't be enough. It's aweful, just it's also a decade later. Her issues not yours.

[Jules Dash]

Forcing someone to discuss a traumatic experience before they are ready often does not turn out like you may think. It is generally a good idea to allow them to discuss it when they are ready to do so. After only 6 dates, You can be certain that the OP is no where in her comfort zone to be bringing up rape.

[TunaCat]

Damsels in distress will always be distressed damsels....

 

Really? Rape is damaging physically, emotionally, psychologically etc. It's NOTHING to be flippant about.

 

OP, you just have to decide if she's worth putting in the extra effort for. If you decide to end it with her, do NOT make it about her past rape. Breaking up with her for something she can't help, isn't right.

[writergal]

Forcing someone to discuss a traumatic experience before they are ready often does not turn out like you may think. It is generally a good idea to allow them to discuss it when they are ready to do so. After only 6 dates, You can be certain that the OP is no where in her comfort zone to be bringing up rape.

 

But he already knows about it, since his friends told him about it. Shouldn't the OP tell her now, 6 dates in, that he found out about it through his friends? It's the reason he has issues with her behavior right now. So, shouldn't he take this opportunity to come clean to her that he knows what happened to her 10 years ago? Or, should he hide his knowledge of her gang rape and try to address her behavior without bringing it up? If he does it that way, he's not being truthful. Don't you think?

 

What is wrong with the OP telling the truth? After all, her being raped 10 years ago is causing him concern. So, the OP should open up to her and start off on the right foot. I could be wrong but that's what I would do. I wouldn't be able to date someone for months without speaking up that I knew about their past abuse. That is morally wrong, at least for me. It's the elephant in the room and should be addressed as soon as possible.

[minimariah]

I am trying to understand that rape is about violence and control, not sex. But it's hard for me to separate the two. The physical act is the same as sex (penis in vagina) but it's not. I'm trying hard to sink that in. But she has a child from it (most likely) so obviously someone came in her so for them it was sex.

 

rape is always about violence & control, it's what gets the rapists off - it's pretty much the only way they'll find true sexual satisfaction. through fear & terror of their victim.

 

i honestly don't get why you struggle so much in comprehending that.

 

i think that for many men, due to the rape culture & amount of fantasy rape and violence in porn, it's hard not to sexualize rape. and i think that's a huge part of your problem - you can't see what had happened to her as RAPE but as a gangbang... fantasy sex.

[PrettyEmily77]

OP, the main problem you have is that you have learnt of something extremely private far too soon and from a third party. Had you heard from her directly and in her own words when she was good and ready to trust you with such traumatic experiences, things may have been different.

 

You seem like a very kind, thoughtful, considerate guy, and the fact you don't want to hurt her or her daughter is to your credit. Your two options as they are are either to wait for her to tell you in her own time and have to deal with keeping what you know for yourself (which will take strength and commitment from you, not easy at all) or let her go gently due to incompatibilities.

 

Good luck to you both.

[Jules Dash]

 

What is wrong with the OP telling the truth? After all, her being raped 10 years ago is causing him concern. So, the OP should open up to her and start off on the right foot. I could be wrong but that's what I would do. I wouldn't be able to date someone for months without speaking up that I knew about their past abuse. That is morally wrong, at least for me. It's the elephant in the room and should be addressed as soon as possible.

 

 

I just don't understand the thought that if someone does not discuss something with you then they are not telling the truth or lying. Isn't lying making a false statement? Now, if the woman asked him "do you know I was raped in the past" and he said "no" then that would be a lie.

 

We all know secrets or private information about others who we do not find the need to inform the persons that we know. We are not lying to them; we are respecting their privacy.

[jen1447]

fwiw, OP you sound like a good guy but one who's not equipped to deal with this. That means you should back out, but do it gracefully and truthfully. I do believe you owe her the truth, so I'd come clean about what you found out and how and why. There's a pretty good chance she'll do the ending for you at that point, as I imagine she'll feel violated (rightly or wrongly). If there's enough room for discussion, I'd share what your concerns are and that they're likely outside your ability to deal with. At least that way she'll be able to move on knowing the truth. (Maybe it won't even mean that much to her, being as you're only six dates in.)

 

The only thing worse than being dumped by a guy who couldn't handle you being gang raped would be being dumped by a guy who couldn't handle you being gang raped and lied about the reason. Either way she'll know all to well what's up.

[writergal]

 

The only thing worse than being dumped by a guy who couldn't handle you being gang raped would be being dumped by a guy who couldn't handle you being gang raped and lied about the reason. Either way she'll know all to well what's up.

 

^^This. Truth is always the best way to go, even if it means you don't get the outcome that you want. It's always better to be honest with someone because it shows them that you respect them. If you lie to her, 6 dates in, and it comes out later that you knew about her gang rape but didn't tell her, she'll definitely feel like you violated her trust and betrayed her. If you don't address the elephant in the room right now, you're just setting yourself up for the inevitable breakup.

[PrettyEmily77]

I just don't understand the thought that if someone does not discuss something with you then they are not telling the truth or lying. Isn't lying making a false statement? Now, if the woman asked him "do you know I was raped in the past" and he said "no" then that would be a lie.

 

We all know secrets or private information about others who we do not find the need to inform the persons that we know. We are not lying to them; we are respecting their privacy.

 

In this instance tho, her very private, sensitive, traumatic information has been shared by someone else to the person she has chosen to date without her knowledge or consent. It wasn't OP's friends place to share this with him in the first place but what's done is done.

 

It will take strength and courage for you to either decide to tell her or to wait until she tells you herself, OP. Not knowing the degree of involvement between the two of you and her present state of mind makes it a difficult call to make IMO. Only you are the best judge of that, knowing that this information will stay with you whatever you decide to do.

[S_A]

OP, have you considered that as you get more involved with this girl that you may start to develop a RAGE against those guys that raped her? Personally, the more I would get into a girl like yours, the more my bloodlust would grow. The rage would continue to grow until I had the opportunity to rip each one of their heads off.

 

What I am trying to say is that, it may be a good reason to bow out of dating this girl if you see yourself as being that guy (the guy with the bloodlust). Having bloodlust would not make you a good BF in the long run, even though that bloodlust is aimed away from her. She probably would not like to have a BF that is in such a state of mind about her rape because it keeps the memory "fresh" and keeps it from being buried in to the past.

 

I would not have the emotional maturity to be cool and calm about it, if you don't either then you should end it. Just something for you to reflect and be honest about.