Author ah1295 Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 The longer you leave it, the more likely he is to assume that you two are done. Are you scared to contact him because you're afraid he'll just confirm your fear that he's lost interest? Yes that is part of reason. Not because it's true. It could be true or it could not be. In a crisis like this that's so personal, I am thinking the worst about myself. I also think he might say it now but not have earlier because of what I did which will make it harder for me to recover. He would only be doing that as a way to protect himself now which I would be able to tell and want to fix which would leave me not really getting over it. It's fear because he might not even react like that. I have a lot of fear surrounding this whole thing. The other part of the reason is that I really believe that if I come back to him first, he won't change his ways. I know him well enough to know if he decides to do come to me later he will change his ways. I think anything I do now will just be temporary because he won't have decided it. If the information is as it seems to be now pointing to how much he values me, then it is pointless to talk to him because I wouldn't want things this way. Right now I'm in self-perservation mode and trying to protect myself from getting sucked back into something that would be settling. I'm also looking at the future and really believe, if and when he's ready to have the type of relationship any normal good gf would want and if he wants it with me, this is best way to do it. I'm ok with taking my chances for most part. Well at this moment. Yesterday was a bad day. I'm just conflicted on my part of what I don't like that I did, the could be better communication. I think it's easier to walk away when you've handled your part fairly because you did your best. Thank you too. You guys are amazing.
jen1447 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Seriously cannot tell you how much this is helping! I also I think that they shouldn't have happened. That's a good idea about the email and then call. I still think a call would be better in my gut. He does care about me and it would mean more to him and me if I could do that. I could write out an outline though to help me through the call. I'm still not sure I want to contact. You have the good points about settling and this being big stuff that's why I've handled it this way so far. I hope things get better. Right now I'm really doubtful. I never thought I'd find someone who personality wise was so right for me. Well apart from this issue which I think he wouldn't do if he didn't want to. I can kind of accept that timing just might not be right and that will be what messes us up. I don't want to settle. My live-in bf a while ago, I thought I wouldn't go through anything worse and wouldn't recover. It took a long time but I'm always glad I didn't end up with him. I think I'm worried about this taking a long time to recover from and also losing him. When I think back to my live-in bf, I don't regret that we broke up only that it took me a long time to come back from it. I don't even regret being with him and that it didn't work out. With this bf, I think I'm very upset because it was nowhere near finished if you know what I mean. All the other parts were great. But I don't want to settle either. Seriously you are amazing. Thanks Aw, cuddles. It sounds to me like you're bargaining a bit on his behalf now - deliberately looking for good points to try to counterbalance the bad, and downplaying the negatives. Don't feel bad, it's normal (esp when you start srsly contemplating the end), but don't let it cloud your judgment hon. The bad things are no less bad bc of good things, and I think you'd be stuck with them in the long run. You deserve better than that.
Author ah1295 Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 Aw, cuddles. It sounds to me like you're bargaining a bit on his behalf now - deliberately looking for good points to try to counterbalance the bad, and downplaying the negatives. Don't feel bad, it's normal (esp when you start srsly contemplating the end), but don't let it cloud your judgment hon. The bad things are no less bad bc of good things, and I think you'd be stuck with them in the long run. You deserve better than that. I've read some of your other posts now. You have good advice. As much as it hurts and I want it to work out with him, failure to get his stuff together on this is a dealbreaker. I'm not fooling myself about that. The good stuff is very good but if we can't get past this it wouldn't matter. That would be settling for not the best bf I deserve. I don't know how I'm going forward exactly but when I'm feeling stronger like now because of good posts that back up what I was thinking, I know I'm headed in the right direction. When I'm thinking like this, I think I will be fine without him or if he comes back later and changed that would be ok too. If I was still available. :):):) 1
jen1447 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I've read some of your other posts now. You have good advice. As much as it hurts and I want it to work out with him, failure to get his stuff together on this is a dealbreaker. I'm not fooling myself about that. The good stuff is very good but if we can't get past this it wouldn't matter. That would be settling for not the best bf I deserve. I don't know how I'm going forward exactly but when I'm feeling stronger like now because of good posts that back up what I was thinking, I know I'm headed in the right direction. When I'm thinking like this, I think I will be fine without him or if he comes back later and changed that would be ok too. If I was still available. :):):) Let us know how it goes, and don't be shy if you need anymore help. 1
lover4721 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) You're right - we have very similar issues... You kind of give me some insight on what my ex-girlfriend is probably feeling. Honestly, I do admit to some of his actions. I pushed my girlfriend away because it seemed to be the only way she would show feelings. Other than that, we felt like friends, and sometimes not even. Maybe you will get some insight too. In my situation, the time away from her made me realize that some things I did were wrong. I read a few books, one particularly on trusting someone. That book opened my eyes to allow me to trust her, and also gave examples on how people act when they trust... and she showed all of them. I was looking at our messages, and now I know what she is asking. I wish she would have talked to me in bed one night. We did not have good communication. She did, but I had poor communication. I'm being 100% honest here, so please don't judge me haha. I would shut down every time she would talk to me. She would start a conversation so negatively. I really wish she would have asked me nicely -- "would you please hold my hand? I really need you right now." That would have been amazing. It would have made me empathetic. But instead, it was through text messaging, and the rare times when it is face-to-face, it was negative. I am in technical support, so I deal with nasty negative people every day. I don't have the energy to deal with her. I contacted my ex-girlfriend, and I told her that I am now ready to give us a fair chance to be happy again. I know she would have liked to receive this message. Your insight made me anxious -- now I am thinking "What if she thinks I'm still the same dude who is going to treat her the same?" Anyway, she said "I appreciate your apology, but I moved on." I said "Okay." Then she said "I enjoyed my time with you, but I agree now that it is time to move on." I would always tease her and say I want to move on. I told her I was only teasing, and I hope she understands. She never replied. It's been about 12 hours since then, from this post. I understand - she has issues with her family. Her Mom is co-dependent. Her Mom got cheated on with her Dad. So she gets this from that, and she is only trying to protect herself, like you said in your post. What I would like from my ex-girlfriend is a fair chance again. A new relationship, where we talk about what stressed us, and how it felt to be betrayed. Then we discuss our needs and then start a new relationship with trust. You could give him another chance - because I know I would like that myself. If he is the same person, you won't need to be anxiously questioning if it was the correct move (breakup). Right now, you are anxious because you are unsure if your breakup was the right choice or not. The only way to find this out is to see if he changed. If not, then move on. So, let me ask you this. What would you want to happen with your relationship with him? If you wish to get back together, how would you want to go about that? Would you want him to text you, asking for another chance (like I did)? How would you know he changed his ways? Would you want him to tell you he changed his ways? OR, would you want to find out he changed his ways? Like he is acting more of a man, finding new hobbies, taking risks, etc. Something like seeing a skydiving picture on his FB. I only ask because I'm not sure on how to proceed in my situation. Do I wait it out until she gives me a second chance? BUT, how would she know I changed my ways, and that I am trusting of her? Is texting her once enough? I know for a fact she would love to be begged... She said she wanted me to 'drown her with love', so then she knows I care. When we fought last time, she said "All I wanted was a simple text message to know that you thought of me. So I gave her that message 12 hours ago - is that enough? I really do appreciate your post, because it sincerely helped me a ton. It is funny, because this is something she would say too. I have gone 16 days no contact with him. We are both stubborn. He is almost rebellious. He's a good guy but if I know him he now feels so bad that he messed up that he doesn't know what to do. I also think he was giving me cooling off time that I said I wanted. Her and I are stubborn too. I am a great guy, know that I messed up, and didn't know what to do. I would also give my girlfriend cooling off time because it helped her previously. Our situations are VERY similar. Thanks so much, and I wish you luck. Feel free to PM me if you wish to talk. Edited September 10, 2015 by lover4721
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