Mrlonelyone Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 I have been looking everywhere for advice on how to be at peace with just being single. Yet. It seemsthat all the advice out there assumes one wants a relationship. You see I have realized the happiest most at peace times of my life were when I did not want and did not have even a sliver of hope for a relationship. I was just ok doing and being me. When I don't have a relationship but want one it is maddening. When I have a relationship of any kind it is such a rollercoaster all the time drama drama drama. It could be due to the type of people I attract, being transgender and all....It seems no one can like me without needing to go through an identity crisis over it. So. I want to just really truly give up. To the point where even if some man swept me into his arms and openly declared his love I would just tell him to put me the hell down. (Or some female, of the kind I like, came out a FTM trans or pansexual or something just for my sake...I'd tell em to go to heck.) Is there any self help out there about how to live as someone who still wants occasional sex but who does not want a "relationship"? I
carhill Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 I'll never be a cosmologist, even if I might love Carl Sagan to death. Did I 'give up'? We can apply such perspective to a billion other desired pursuits, ideas, philosophies, etc etc that we'll never 'be'. Did we 'give up'? I guess, if we feel like we 'gave up', that feeling defines our reality and timeline. With an infinity of realities and timelines available, I tend to look at the options as limitless and it becomes a matter of choice. One timeline closes and another opens, ad infinitum. When we offer opinion and advice, we offer it from the perspective of our timeline and reality, regardless of how it might appear to a person in another timeline and reality. 'If I were in your shoes, xxxxx'. Well, I is me, my perspective, my timeline, my reality. I can truly never be in another's shoes in the literal sense of that analogy. IME, yep, my timeline and reality, being single wasn't peaceful at all, until it was. However, I struggle to remember with any substantive emotional quantity how that lack of peace felt. It's kind of like, when in pain, it's like the whole world is painful. I used to think life would end when in the throes of a gall bladder attack; death would be more welcome. Now, with that long in the past, I hardly remember the pain. I know it happened, cognitively remember it but there's no emotional component at all. That timeline closed and the brain pathways shut down. Peace. Kinda like with singleness. Can that change? Sure. In a moment. Life is like that. Lately, when I've noted marked emotional states in friends and loved ones, I know cognitively how to respond in a loving manner but the emotional component is no longer there, the 'taking on' of their emotions, the empathic response. It's as if the voices are silenced. Peace. I can't tell you, step by step, how to get there. I really have no idea. Perhaps it's the confluence of a lifetime of inputs and the slow degradation of the machine (brain) over time. I doubt it's any sort of wisdom or insight. That's more the realm of intellectuals, like Carl was. My bet is you'll get where you want to be, though perhaps not along the timeline you envision now. We make plans and life happens.
preraph Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Is there any self help out there about how to live as someone who still wants occasional sex but who does not want a "relationship"? I I'd say that applies to about half of all guys under 30 out there. Even having sex is dependent on dealing with the other person, their personality, their needs, their wants. I think the advice for you is the same for young guys out there who just want to sew their oats without making a baby or ending up married to young, and that is be honest up front. If you only want sex, let the person know before you have sex with them. Be honest, be yourself, don't misrepresent yourself, feel free to say no to anyone sexually or platonically that works your nerves. If you're attracting chaos, then you need to close the door on it as soon as you know it. Others may regard you as without boundaries, but you are a person and we all have a right to draw our own boundaries, and a good place to start is not continuing with anyone who doesn't treat you with respect and equal to the way you would treat them. It's not a free for all. You make your own rules and sort it out by having enough self-discipline and confidence to stick by them.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 I'd say that applies to about half of all guys under 30 out there. Even having sex is dependent on dealing with the other person, their personality, their needs, their wants. I think the advice for you is the same for young guys out there who just want to sew their oats without making a baby or ending up married to young, and that is be honest up front. If you only want sex, let the person know before you have sex with them. Be honest, be yourself, don't misrepresent yourself, feel free to say no to anyone sexually or platonically that works your nerves. If you're attracting chaos, then you need to close the door on it as soon as you know it. Others may regard you as without boundaries, but you are a person and we all have a right to draw our own boundaries, and a good place to start is not continuing with anyone who doesn't treat you with respect and equal to the way you would treat them. It's not a free for all. You make your own rules and sort it out by having enough self-discipline and confidence to stick by them. Honey I am a male to female transgender woman. My issue is kinda like a 30 year old guys but not really. I still want the release of sex, I just want to stop wanting a relationship with the people who offer up sex to me. On here I have written of the mannish women I deal with, three of them at length. The men I deal with at least have been raised with "man rules". The flip side of male privileges. To put it this way. How can I get comfortable with being the mistress, the dirty secret, and never the wife? How can I get peace with just not being the serious public lover of the people who have loved me. How can I just give up on wanting to be loved and come to accept the occasional *uck as being all I can hope for. (There are totally straight men who get to the same place. Always the other man never the main man. For a time say between 25 and 35 that starts to get old...)
Author Mrlonelyone Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 I'll never be a cosmologist, even if I might love Carl Sagan to death. Did I 'give up'? We can apply such perspective to a billion other desired pursuits, ideas, philosophies, etc etc that we'll never 'be'. Did we 'give up'? I guess, if we feel like we 'gave up', that feeling defines our reality and timeline. With an infinity of realities and timelines available, I tend to look at the options as limitless and it becomes a matter of choice. One timeline closes and another opens, ad infinitum. When we offer opinion and advice, we offer it from the perspective of our timeline and reality, regardless of how it might appear to a person in another timeline and reality. 'If I were in your shoes, xxxxx'. Well, I is me, my perspective, my timeline, my reality. I can truly never be in another's shoes in the literal sense of that analogy. IME, yep, my timeline and reality, being single wasn't peaceful at all, until it was. However, I struggle to remember with any substantive emotional quantity how that lack of peace felt. It's kind of like, when in pain, it's like the whole world is painful. I used to think life would end when in the throes of a gall bladder attack; death would be more welcome. Now, with that long in the past, I hardly remember the pain. I know it happened, cognitively remember it but there's no emotional component at all. That timeline closed and the brain pathways shut down. Peace. Kinda like with singleness. Can that change? Sure. In a moment. Life is like that. Lately, when I've noted marked emotional states in friends and loved ones, I know cognitively how to respond in a loving manner but the emotional component is no longer there, the 'taking on' of their emotions, the empathic response. It's as if the voices are silenced. Peace. I can't tell you, step by step, how to get there. I really have no idea. Perhaps it's the confluence of a lifetime of inputs and the slow degradation of the machine (brain) over time. I doubt it's any sort of wisdom or insight. That's more the realm of intellectuals, like Carl was. My bet is you'll get where you want to be, though perhaps not along the timeline you envision now. We make plans and life happens. Thanks for your perspective. Right now I want to get a place that I can control. I want to just as Rhett Butler put it get to where I frankly don't give a damn and really mean it. I guess I'll get there and it will feel good. I mean... think about it... how many years was Rhett miserable because he cared? 5-10 before he'd just had enough.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 Go on Tinder. Plenty of people. Getting the sex isn't a problem. Heck if I had not scruples.... I could use my job and the power I have over people there to get laid. Heck once upon a time people paid me for sex. I actually, much like the mental female I am and I am out and proud about being.... have more of a problem of wanting more from folks who don't want more....or who are in the closet about what they want. I'm just tired of dealing with that. I can't control other people. I can control me. I mean, would meditation of some kind help?
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