Chronograph Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Hey lovely people, First I'd like to say that this forum is such a great help to me still. I'd rather be off it sooner than later but meanwhile it is always a great comfort being able to vent and exchange thoughts and opinions and feelings with people, who go through the same thing (rather than becoming a bore to friends ha ha). Thanks everyone on here! I'm writing because I still feel a lot of anxiety, even though my breakup is 4 months ago now. I mean my relationship was kind of long and serious, so it might be just normal. The thing is I tried to tackle the anxiety and pain and loneliness by starting to date again. But I found the whole dating thing is just not for me yet. It is too stressful. I mean it was nice, a few guys gave me compliments and I spent one really nice evening with one of them and it felt good to be appreciated. But there is a lot of anxiety coming up around it for me as well. Possible hopes, expectations, rejections on both sides, and that means possible mess and chaos. No! Not yet, thank you very much. So I stopped doing it and now I'm trying to meet new people in other ways (through hobbies or shared interests and so on ... I also want to make new friends cause I moved after the breakup). And that feels much better. Anyway I still feel this anxiety. Cause now that I have quit the dating game there is no new guy on the horizon. So this emptiness opens up and I become restless. It becomes so clear to me that I'm alone and that I have to deal with life and all its small and big problems on my own. Nobody there to calm me down, reassure me, support me, comfort me, cheer me up and all that jazz. And not even a potential next candidate on the horizon. So I'm in this weird trap. If there would be a potential new guy it would cause anxiety cause I'm not ready yet anyway. If there is no one in sight it causes anxiety cause I fear I will be alone forever and never find someone new. Does anyone feel similar, can anyone relate? Why does it seem so hard to just be alone for a while and also to not actively search for the next partner? I kind of feel it would be way better for me to somehow go through this period of being alone and not feverishly look for the next guy. Sigh. Thanks for any tips how to cope!
StalwartMind Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 I can understand your anxiety dilemma, it certainly can make it seem like it's a lose/lose situation. This is possibly one of the reason you seek comfort here again or at least to be granted some perspective on how to potentially deal with your situation. Truthfully there are many ways to go about it, and yes sometimes none of the choices may be ideal. I actually support trying to find someone eventually through hobbies and interests, it has worked in favor for myself in the past, it also makes the entire getting to know each other part a lot more relaxing as you already are in an environment you both enjoy (well hopefully). Finding someone we are attracted to and connect with is honestly very unpredictable. Some people will instantly find someone as soon as they search, others it may take a lot longer, and to some they don't even find while searching but actually end up randomly stumbling into. Life and relationships can be peculiar like that. If you were in a long term relationship then it can take a significant time to fully process all your feelings and thoughts. While most of us want to find happiness fast again, it can be a good thing to sometimes slow yourself down, especially if you feel you aren't fully ready to give all of what you know you have. Considering that time is constantly ticking, we can feel pressured or even become desperate in order to reach goals, before it is "too late". This certainly is relevant if you do have desires such as having children or just reach milestones before a certain age, but rushing yourself can also lead to even more disappointing results and you'll end up in a loop of repeated errors. Ideally you want to reach a state where you can accept your situation, and don't feel as if you are compromising any of your core values. People meet each other in all kind of ways, while it's great to have a special story, it doesn't really mean much as long as you end up with someone who you feel is right for you, as you are to that person. There's no doubt having someone around to calm you down, support you, reassure you, cheer you up and all such is a true blessing. The internet is great in the sense you can find caring people like that all around, even if most of us likely prefer to be able to sit next to such an individual, as physical presence is impossible to replace. While you don't want to bother your friends, and nor would I suggest you do, there is however a chance they might be all of that to you. That is something you can best answer yourself, no matter what the most important thing is that you feel better and using all the help one can get in order to reach your destination is highly encouraged. 2
Author Chronograph Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 Can anyone else relate? Or share some experiences? I dunno I just might be overthinking it. But it's not easy to relax.
unsaved Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) Oh my god, I totally relate to what you're saying. This is something I spend most of my days thinking about and struggling with. (BF broke up with me beginning of July. NC since about July 14 or so.) I have never really been on my own for a super long period of time in my life. Maybe a few months. I just want to be happy single and not depend on another guy for support, because I honestly don't know when/if I'll meet someone again. I sit every day almost obsessing over when, how, where, etc. I'm going to meet my next boyfriend. I obsess on IF I'm going to meet another person. I get very anxious and depressed and I feel "off" and like a lost person without a special someone in my life to enjoy things with. Even someone to text and who has the slightest bit of interest in me. It just doesn't feel right. But right now, the thought of finding someone kind of scares me, yet being alone is so anxiety provoking and scary too. I wish I could just be happy alone doing my day to day activities. But I don't know how. If you ever seem to find an answer to how to make this better, please let me know. The only way I know how right now is I just try to stay busy every day to make the days pass. I also make sure I make plans every weekend with ANY friend so I'm not alone. But, It makes me depressed knowing that I live my life just to make time pass. I want to enjoy my days. Don't get me wrong, a lot of the days I do really enjoy the things I'm doing. But it's just not the same as it was before this stupid breakup and before when I've had boyfriends. I hope this time alone continues to get better for us. Maybe it's just time that will make us comfortable in our own skin. Who knows. Sorry I couldn't be more help but at least I can relate. Anyway, hang in there! You are not alone! Edited September 10, 2015 by unsaved 1
Author Chronograph Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Oh my god, I totally relate to what you're saying. If you ever seem to find an answer to how to make this better, please let me know. The only way I know how right now is I just try to stay busy every day to make the days pass. I also make sure I make plans every weekend with ANY friend so I'm not alone. But, It makes me depressed knowing that I live my life just to make time pass. Maybe it's just time that will make us comfortable in our own skin. Who knows. Thanks for sharing your feelings. Yeah I don't know either. I'm not sure if time is the only key in healing. I don't think it is. I've come to the conclusion for myself that I'll try and somehow "live through" the anxiety. In a conscious way so to speak. I don't mean that I want to lock myself away and do nothing but crying for the next weeks. But somehow I believe that if anxiety comes, it would be good to just allow it to be there without trying to chase it away in panic. So, going into the feeling and just observing what is there. And then I will hopefully realize, that it will pass. And there is nothing we need to do to fix it. No other man, no friends all of the time, no busy schedule. I hope to discover that it will pass and I will be okay just like it is. And just like I am. So, I'm trying not to run away from it. With awareness and meditation. And I feel a new guy straight away would just mean that I'm running away from my anxiety. I would use him to calm it down. It's like replacing a drug with another drug. Maybe we're all on cold turkey. And also since I still feel easily stressed out by the whole romantic / dating stuff and all these possible hopes and expectations I guess it is the best way for me to just be deliberately and consciously alone and with my anxiety. Gulp! Wish me luck. :-)
Recommended Posts