Ulrich714 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 I joined Tinder two weeks ago. I have stayed away from OLD because I've always found it to be a superficial way to meet someone. However, within a day or so I had several matches, and was reaching out to most of them and getting actual coherent conversation in return, ha. I ended up setting up dates/meet up with four different women. One of them even messaged me AND asked me out before I could (after we really seemed to gel together), so I took it as a good sign. All four gave me their numbers and we started texting outside of Tinder. All of the women set up dates with me, continued to talk to me for days afterward, and then the day before we were supposed to meet, simply stopped responding to me. I would text them to make sure we were still hanging out, and I would get no response. The girl that gave me her number and wanted to hang out? She texted me the morning of the day we were going to meet for lunch and said she had "picked up a lunch shift" at the restaurant where she works. We rescheduled for a few days later. Again, like the others, she simply went completely cold on me the day before. I texted her to make sure we were still hanging out, and she sent a hastily worded response that she AGAIN picked up a lunch shift and would need to reschedule. I was done at this point, but did text her back to ask to reschedule, but got no response. With all that said, my question is this - I can understand going cold or "ghosting" as they call it if I met these women in person and they weren't into me. It's sad that people don't just tell the other person nowadays, but eh. But these women all talked to me, all set up plans, all of them gave me their number and continued to text me outside of Tinder. Then it's time for the actual date and WHOOSH - they vanish. We hadn't even met yet! Can't they just unmatch me? I mean, why go through all that trouble and give me your number and talk to me for days if you aren't actually going to go through with it? Is the chase better than the catch? Maybe I'm from some old school non OLD world, but if I make plans with someone, I intend to follow through. Do these women just like the idea that they COULD have? I get that it's trial and error and not all of these will actually work out, but I'm 0 for 4 and EVERY woman has done the same thing.
Frank2thepoint Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 You know fully well what to expect from something like Tinder, jumped on the bandwagon, and now are surprised why these girls are not following through. Superficial attraction is fleeting. Always will be. The girls flake out on you because they are looking for an ego boost. Aside from hookups, Tinder is great for stroking people's ego. It's all based on looks, not substance, remember. Your answer to these girls lies in the second sentence of your post.
pleasedtomeetyou Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 I joined Tinder two weeks ago. I have stayed away from OLD because I've always found it to be a superficial way to meet someone. However, within a day or so I had several matches, and was reaching out to most of them and getting actual coherent conversation in return, ha. I ended up setting up dates/meet up with four different women. One of them even messaged me AND asked me out before I could (after we really seemed to gel together), so I took it as a good sign. All four gave me their numbers and we started texting outside of Tinder. All of the women set up dates with me, continued to talk to me for days afterward, and then the day before we were supposed to meet, simply stopped responding to me. I would text them to make sure we were still hanging out, and I would get no response. The girl that gave me her number and wanted to hang out? She texted me the morning of the day we were going to meet for lunch and said she had "picked up a lunch shift" at the restaurant where she works. We rescheduled for a few days later. Again, like the others, she simply went completely cold on me the day before. I texted her to make sure we were still hanging out, and she sent a hastily worded response that she AGAIN picked up a lunch shift and would need to reschedule. I was done at this point, but did text her back to ask to reschedule, but got no response. With all that said, my question is this - I can understand going cold or "ghosting" as they call it if I met these women in person and they weren't into me. It's sad that people don't just tell the other person nowadays, but eh. But these women all talked to me, all set up plans, all of them gave me their number and continued to text me outside of Tinder. Then it's time for the actual date and WHOOSH - they vanish. We hadn't even met yet! Can't they just unmatch me? I mean, why go through all that trouble and give me your number and talk to me for days if you aren't actually going to go through with it? Is the chase better than the catch? Maybe I'm from some old school non OLD world, but if I make plans with someone, I intend to follow through. Do these women just like the idea that they COULD have? I get that it's trial and error and not all of these will actually work out, but I'm 0 for 4 and EVERY woman has done the same thing. I feel you man, i've had this happen a few times but I must say 0/4 is a poor ratio and not indicative of my activities. I think perhaps you are talking to these women too much before meeting. I mean, what's the purpose of Tinder? to break the ice and set up a real-life meeting. Once that has been accomplished, there should be no need for texting or other communication before the date. Following this approach has two benefits. One, you don't get artificially attached to the lady before you've even met. And two, it makes it seem as if you have a fulfilling life, which is definitely an attractive quality. So my $0.02 is this. Keep using tinder, set up the date and then send a confirmation message the day before the date. No other contact between the time you set the date and the confirmation message. Try this approach and let us know if you have different results.
pleasedtomeetyou Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Another thing to note: this whole drop-communication thing is simply part of the package with Tinder. If you keep using the app, you're gonna have to simply get used to the fact that this will happen from time to time (I think you've just hit a bad streak lately, i've never had 4 in a row do this.) It does suck when it happens in the moment, but the long-term benefit is that it really does desensitize you to rejection, which has helped me approach first dates and initial communication in a much more carefree way. This makes you seem so much more attractive to women. 1
smackie9 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 I thought tender was a hookup site, or a place of business for prostitutes. 2
Author Ulrich714 Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 I certainly joined with low expectations. But the bios of the women talk about not just wanting a hookup and don't be afraid to message, blah blah blah. It seemed there was more there than the superficial nonsense it truly is. I think you are right about these women primarily just wanting an ego boost. When I finally went to unmatch each of the four women I mentioned, ALL of them had been recently active on that app, three of the four within 10 minutes. If someone is constantly consuming and looking at Tinder that much, what is their REAL intention? pleasedtomeetyou, I think you are right. I did chat with these women too much. I guess I didn't want to seem like the meeting/hookup/whatever you call it was my intention....I wanted to know THEM, too. I guess that's the wrong approach. I will say that I'm not devastated or anything, I'm more baffled by the whole experience. If I'm not into someone, I don't make plans with them and act like there is a connection. If anything, I feel silly that I put that much time into it.
pleasedtomeetyou Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 I certainly joined with low expectations. But the bios of the women talk about not just wanting a hookup and don't be afraid to message, blah blah blah. It seemed there was more there than the superficial nonsense it truly is. I think you are right about these women primarily just wanting an ego boost. When I finally went to unmatch each of the four women I mentioned, ALL of them had been recently active on that app, three of the four within 10 minutes. If someone is constantly consuming and looking at Tinder that much, what is their REAL intention? pleasedtomeetyou, I think you are right. I did chat with these women too much. I guess I didn't want to seem like the meeting/hookup/whatever you call it was my intention....I wanted to know THEM, too. I guess that's the wrong approach. I will say that I'm not devastated or anything, I'm more baffled by the whole experience. If I'm not into someone, I don't make plans with them and act like there is a connection. If anything, I feel silly that I put that much time into it. In life and in dating, I always don't take any notice to what people say (or write, in this situation). Look at what they do instead. I've been out with people who said they're not looking to hook up but their actions certainly didn't support that statement. Honestly, I don't even take much stock in the profile. If they mention something specific (Like a book i've also read) or one of their pictures is something specific (taken at a vacation spot i've also been to) then I will bring it up in my messages, but if its just something generic then I leave it to my own devices. Nothing wrong with wanting to know somebody, but save that stuff for the actual dates.
fitnessfan365 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Tinder was originally designed to be a hook up app. So not the best place to dip your foot in the water for "online dating". However, you have to remember that a lot of women are talking to multiple men at the same time. Just like you when you set up meets with four different women. So they probably came across a guy they wanted to meet more than you at the last minute. 1
Gary S Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Yeah, I would try a real dating site with more comprehensive profiles, like Match. Did you set these dates through text or voice? 1
jam.over.jelly Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Coming from a girl's perspective on Tinder, I'm overwhelmed with all the guys I matched with. I have like 150 something matches to choose from, and I guarantee if I say "hey" they all are gonna talk to me, options are limitless on Tinder, there is always the next attractive guy just one click away. Maybe that's why girls can be so flaky on there because we know it is a big pool of men. However, I'm the type of person that would at least either cancel the date with advanced notice or if I have no desire to meet up I would just be honest, rather than leaving that person hanging. I guess with the "disappearing" act they pull, they might very well be catfish, and they re afraid they'd be exposed.
pleasedtomeetyou Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Coming from a girl's perspective on Tinder, I'm overwhelmed with all the guys I matched with. I have like 150 something matches to choose from, and I guarantee if I say "hey" they all are gonna talk to me, options are limitless on Tinder, there is always the next attractive guy just one click away. Maybe that's why girls can be so flaky on there because we know it is a big pool of men. However, I'm the type of person that would at least either cancel the date with advanced notice or if I have no desire to meet up I would just be honest, rather than leaving that person hanging. I guess with the "disappearing" act they pull, they might very well be catfish, and they re afraid they'd be exposed. I doubt the catfish possibility. I think it's a simple case of people not wanting to do something unpleasant. Who wants to go through the process or writing out a message giving bad news to somebody? Especially when they can simply ignore? Of course it's the right thing to do, but how often to people do the right thing at the expense of the most convenient thing for them? 1
jam.over.jelly Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 you're right, lots of people don't have the decency to just be honest. I would hate to be on the other end, so I try not to do that to other people.
Mjm1014 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Even though I met my current girlfriend on Tinder, overall that app is a joke. I found most of the girls would flake or talk to me for a day or two then completely disappear and ignore me (because they are onto the next guy). I honestly think most people do it for an ego boost just to feel better about themselves and to make sure they feel people are attracted to them. Nothing more. Some of the girls would even show up on dates and be swiping left and right while on a date with me!!! Lol
jam.over.jelly Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Even though I met my current girlfriend on Tinder, overall that app is a joke. I found most of the girls would flake or talk to me for a day or two then completely disappear and ignore me (because they are onto the next guy). I honestly think most people do it for an ego boost just to feel better about themselves and to make sure they feel people are attracted to them. Nothing more. Some of the girls would even show up on dates and be swiping left and right while on a date with me!!! Lol You give me hope that there are guys on Tinder that are actually looking for a real connection.
Author Ulrich714 Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 I have to say that within two days of joining I had at least ten "matches" that I was actively talking to. I remember saying to myself how easy it all seemed. I guess it was because I was guy #45 out of 80 for these women. I guess it's like the speed dating thing where you are going from chair to chair.....which I have only seen in movies and such and would never actually try in person. So how quickly should I ask someone out on this thing? I'm ready to just give it up altogether, but I feel like giving it one more try and not focus so much on conversation pre-meeting in person. I don't want to come off as a jerk, but I feel like I spend too much time chatting and wear out my welcome.
Author Ulrich714 Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 You give me hope that there are guys on Tinder that are actually looking for a real connection. The overwhelming majority of women I've talked to on Tinder have said at one point or another that it's refreshing that I'm not asking them to come over immediately or sit on my face or (insert explicit act here). I'm an actual, decent guy they say. And then they make plans with me and disappear the day before the date. Go figure. 1
jam.over.jelly Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 How is it possible to actively talk to 10 people at the same time? I'd love to know lol, because I certainly will not remember all the details of their convos, unless something sticks out to me. But it seems you have a lot of options here, why would you be ready to give it up when you're talking to 10 women?! Ask 2 or 3 out and see what they say! I'd say don't wait long to ask to meet up. I'd lose interest fast if the guy keeps chatting me up but never asks me to meet.
Jules Dash Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 After you make the date, do not call and text them in between the time. Save the conversation for the date.
Zippy2000 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 I joined Tinder two weeks ago. I have stayed away from OLD because I've always found it to be a superficial way to meet someone. You say OLD is a "superficial" way to meet someone, and Tinder is not!? Tinder and OLD is one, and the ame thing. In fact Tinder is more superficail as its all based on looks. No substance at all.
joseb Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Coming from a girl's perspective on Tinder, I'm overwhelmed with all the guys I matched with. I have like 150 something matches to choose from, and I guarantee if I say "hey" they all are gonna talk to me, options are limitless on Tinder, there is always the next attractive guy just one click away. Maybe that's why girls can be so flaky on there because we know it is a big pool of men. However, I'm the type of person that would at least either cancel the date with advanced notice or if I have no desire to meet up I would just be honest, rather than leaving that person hanging. I guess with the "disappearing" act they pull, they might very well be catfish, and they re afraid they'd be exposed. See this i dont get. Unless you are not even looking at the pics and bios, i cant see how you see 150 guys you like, never mind match with. Just be more selective in your swiping. 2
joseb Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 I thought tender was a hookup site, or a place of business for prostitutes. Yeah, this is the common perseption of people that havent used it. I was surprised how un-hookupy it seems. At least thats my experience of most of the profiles i see. OP i think you are over talking. Ive had a few go cold but of the 3 i got to the point of wanting to meet up, only 1 flaked, and she was the one i talked to the most.
jam.over.jelly Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 See this i dont get. Unless you are not even looking at the pics and bios, i cant see how you see 150 guys you like, never mind match with. Just be more selective in your swiping. Oh i rarely swipe right! And all the guys I match with are super attractive! And I make sure I read their bios, and their pics have to represent themselves in a good way. Trust me when I say this but I'm very picky when it comes to looks, I have never dated anyone that's not attractive, call me shallow but I just know what I want. I've been on Tinder for about 3 months now. 1
Author Ulrich714 Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 I took the advice and messaged a Tinder girl I had briefly chatted with a few days ago. I asked her how the last few days had gone and replied with what I had been doing. I very quickly asked her to hang out this week for coffee, and she quickly said yes. WHOA. I named three coffee places in town that I visit and let her pick, and told her 12:30 on Wednesday, and she said it sounded great and was looking forward to it. I won't say another word to her until I walk into the coffee shop that afternoon. If she flakes, at least I can get some coffee before heading back to work. I figure that if a woman engages you on Tinder for about a dozen messages, it's time to ask to meet up. I think one of my personal issues is that I grew to know my ex-girlfriend through text messaging, especially when she was on a family vacation, so it's sort of a comfort zone for me when chatting up a woman.
smackie9 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Hey before OLD there was video dating, and before video dating was the personals in the local rag. People have the same complaints as they did back then. Pickins are slim, a lot of not what you are looking for.
joseb Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Oh i rarely swipe right! And all the guys I match with are super attractive! And I make sure I read their bios, and their pics have to represent themselves in a good way. Trust me when I say this but I'm very picky when it comes to looks, I have never dated anyone that's not attractive, call me shallow but I just know what I want. I've been on Tinder for about 3 months now. Sounds like you are a hot commodity! Maybe just spend a bit less time on it then is all I can suggest
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