psiblast Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 We are both in our early 40s, born on the exact same month and year actually. Both born in the same town in Japan (we're both Japanese, btw). We're both very Americanized, as our families came here when we were very little. We both grew up in Massachusetts in towns that were 99% Caucasian. So culturally, we are very similar. Neither one of us has ever dated another Japanese before. The situation seems very special, as if we're kindred spirits or something. Personality-wise, we click very well. So we found each other on Tinder. Went on a few dates over the course of a month, and only recently revealed to each other (after our 4th date) that we've been married in the past, divorced earlier this year, and we each have two kids. I wish I had met her 20 years ago. So what's the problem then? Well, it doesn't seem that she's all that interested in dating, or dating me. I'm not sure which. She's a very reserved and mellow person, but once in a while I see glimpses of her fun side. I understand that she just came from a painful divorce after a 20 year marriage, and that she may have a lot of unresolved things going on in her life. She only recently (in the last month) moved out of her marital home. She told me that she's not looking for a serious relationship at this time. She says she doesn't think she's capable of having one. I don't even know what that means. From my end, there are only two types of romantic relationships -- it either is one or isn't one. That's all I know. I've also been with one woman for the past 20 years. So I feel like I'm putting effort into a relationship that is moving at a standstill pace. The relationship hasn't gotten really physical at all. There have been only brief good night kisses at the end of dates (pecks really). At this point, I don't want to temperature check and do something stupid and ask her how she feels about me (or something similar). I think it's way too early to do that. Should I keep trying? Should I back off? Am I setting myself up to get hurt by being too emotionally invested in someone who will never be able to reciprocate?
Author psiblast Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 Well, I got my answer last night. She calls me last night and says she doesn't think we should continue (basically for all the reasons I assumed -- not ready for a relationship, etc.) I know it's not the end of the world, but I invested so much time, effort, emotion, and money into this girl, and it's all for nothing. Seems like just a waste of the past 5 weeks. Really disappointed. I had such high hopes that our relationship could turn into something special. But obviously that was just a pipe dream. I guess I was trying to make more of it than what it was, or trying to paint a picture of this girl in my head, and it turns out that perhaps she's not that person at all. I was infatuated with the idea of her, but in reality, she was a different person. She's such a sweet girl though, and I knew she was broken from a previous marriage. In a strange sort of way, I think I wanted to play the role of her savior. The guy that's going to come into her life and sweep her off her feet. But she's dealing with her own issues, and she wants to do so on her own. She literally moved out of her marital home the day before we first met. This is all very new to her. I know that on paper, I shouldn't be with this girl with all the baggage and emotional issues she is going through. It's just another classic case of falling for the wrong girl. It just sucks.
xUnknown Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Well, I got my answer last night. She calls me last night and says she doesn't think we should continue (basically for all the reasons I assumed -- not ready for a relationship, etc.) I know it's not the end of the world, but I invested so much time, effort, emotion, and money into this girl, and it's all for nothing. Seems like just a waste of the past 5 weeks. Really disappointed. I had such high hopes that our relationship could turn into something special. But obviously that was just a pipe dream. I guess I was trying to make more of it than what it was, or trying to paint a picture of this girl in my head, and it turns out that perhaps she's not that person at all. I was infatuated with the idea of her, but in reality, she was a different person. She's such a sweet girl though, and I knew she was broken from a previous marriage. In a strange sort of way, I think I wanted to play the role of her savior. The guy that's going to come into her life and sweep her off her feet. But she's dealing with her own issues, and she wants to do so on her own. She literally moved out of her marital home the day before we first met. This is all very new to her. I know that on paper, I shouldn't be with this girl with all the baggage and emotional issues she is going through. It's just another classic case of falling for the wrong girl. It just sucks. Better this happened now than after 3 years of dating/engaged. Also, what I have highlighted in bold is called "white night syndrome". I used to have the same thing. I would always want to help/fix my ex. I finally realized that she can only "fix" herself. You have to understand that as well. It isn't healthy for you and can lead you into some unhealthy relationships if you keep thinking this way.
Gaeta Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 I'm very sorry for your disappointment. Do you know where you went wrong? I will give you a hint. When she told you she was not ready for a relationship you did not listen. Don't get involved with people recently out of marriages and relationships. It rarely has happy ending. 1
organizedchaos Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Well, I got my answer last night. She calls me last night and says she doesn't think we should continue (basically for all the reasons I assumed -- not ready for a relationship, etc.) I know it's not the end of the world, but I invested so much time, effort, emotion, and money into this girl, and it's all for nothing. Seems like just a waste of the past 5 weeks. Really disappointed. I had such high hopes that our relationship could turn into something special. But obviously that was just a pipe dream. I guess I was trying to make more of it than what it was, or trying to paint a picture of this girl in my head, and it turns out that perhaps she's not that person at all. I was infatuated with the idea of her, but in reality, she was a different person. She's such a sweet girl though, and I knew she was broken from a previous marriage. In a strange sort of way, I think I wanted to play the role of her savior. The guy that's going to come into her life and sweep her off her feet. But she's dealing with her own issues, and she wants to do so on her own. She literally moved out of her marital home the day before we first met. This is all very new to her. I know that on paper, I shouldn't be with this girl with all the baggage and emotional issues she is going through. It's just another classic case of falling for the wrong girl. It just sucks. It wasn't a waste of time. You have learned a valuable lesson here in what you need in a partner. You now know what not to do next time. Right?
wb1988 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 (edited) We're both very Americanized, as our families came here when we were very little. We both grew up in Massachusetts in towns that were 99% Caucasian. So culturally, we are very similar. This is the problem. I know that everyone will probably be against this but the overwhelming majority of Asian women (from all of Asia including India) that grow up with fobby parents in a predominantly white neighbourhood end up only wanting a guy that isn't Asian. It's sort of a culture complex, an attempt to integrate better and perhaps to also hide or mask their Asian background but it is what it is. Next. Edited September 11, 2015 by wb1988
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