Goodbye Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 My threads about my relationship have been in various sections. In summary, I've been dating a very nice man since November. We've had our fair share of struggles, but bonded quickly over our similarities of being divorced parents with teens. He has struggled financially for most of our time together. Within a month of our first date, he lost his job and was unemployed for two months. Most of his income goes to child support anyway (as it should). The being broke thing was not a deal breaker for me because I get how expensive divorce/kids are. I am in a better place financially due to a business I built during the marriage of which I got half. I'm not rolling in dough by any means, but I got to keep my house and I can do some extra stuff. Therefore, almost all of our "extra stuff" (dinners, theater, a couple weekends to watch my kids at sporting events) were financed by me entirely. When he was at risk of not being able to make the first payment for his daughter's college tuition, I loaned him (gave him really) 10,000. Yes...I am an over trusting moron. I thought this was because we'd be together long term, I had the money, and well...I really cared for his daughter and was proud that she'd been admitted to such a great school. In return, he was very generous with my kids and my kids in the short time they knew him, cared for him a great deal. Sex started out wildly passionate as I suppose it always does (this was only my 2nd relationship since my 18+ year marriage ended. I wanted it to stay that way. He struggled with ED at times, but wouldn't talk about it, became defensive. So, I'd not pressure him, just back off on the intimacy part. Slowly everything started to bother me...the resentments started to accumulate. Paying for everything. Having him come home from work and me cook felt like a replica of my crap marriage. I noticed he was failing in other areas of his life...his work wasn't getting great reviews, he got kicked out of a band he was a member of, he was getting collection calls about his car. Despite this stress, I loved having someone to hold, to talk with. At my age (mid 40's) it scares me to think of being alone for the rest of my life. I am in long term recovery from alcohol. He is as well. This was another thing we shared and it felt safe and comfortable to have alcohol out of the picture entirely during our dating. Last night I opened up about how in my abusive marriage, my exH was extremely sexual and the only way I could be with him in the end was to be intoxicated. I told the bf about the lingering shame I had, feeling like I couldn't leave the marriage because of my kids, but feeling required to fill these sexual obligations of the exH (he was very horny/kinky/high sex drive). Once he became abusive, it was VERY difficult for me to be intimate without being solidly intoxicated. This became habitual. It was an AWFUL chapter of my life. I'm pleased to say I've been sober for several years now, and separated/divorced since 2010. Still, the scars remain. BF and I went to bed last night and we were kissing. He half heartedly initiated some sexual touching but eventually just went to sleep. I really wanted/needed to feel wanted after confessing what I had to him. I got up and slept on the couch. Not to mention this was the last night we'd be together this week because of his travel and mine. He came down and woke me up at 5:30am and told me he couldn't get it up because of what I'd told him. I told him he could have just held me, or talked to me about what he was thinking instead of letting me be by myself, clearly upset. He just said sorry, took his stuff and left for his brother's beach house...knowing that today I have to euthanize my cat who is dying of kidney failure and see my daughter off for her first day away at a school 4 hours away. Oh, and I forgot to mention again....he lives with his parents which means I can never stay over there or have him cook me a meal. I should have filed that one under the ongoing stressors of the relationship...it wasn't the final straw...this morning was. I'm numb. I'm sad. I'm relieved. All at the same time. I know the tears will come. It is hard. As ****ty as everything I've just described is, of course we had our tender moments, and I'm just so vulnerable. The relationship has been slowly ending with mini-break ups over the past couple months, but this was it. I can't go back.
jen1447 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Hugs. Did you formally end it or is this intentions, or did he walk off knowing it was over, etc.?
Author Goodbye Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 Hugs. Did you formally end it or is this intentions, or did he walk off knowing it was over, etc.? He left knowing I was upset. I NEVER do the "door" thing where I act upset to prevent him from leaving. He should have stayed and talked it out. Going to see his brother at the beach shouldn't be more important. I don't like to break up by text, but given the disrespectful tone of the evening/morning...I did it. Told him I was done.
jen1447 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 He left knowing I was upset. I NEVER do the "door" thing where I act upset to prevent him from leaving. He should have stayed and talked it out. Going to see his brother at the beach shouldn't be more important. I don't like to break up by text, but given the disrespectful tone of the evening/morning...I did it. Told him I was done. Gotcha. More hugs. 1
Author Goodbye Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 Thank you for your responses. I'm sad. Despite all my lamenting, I'm still sad and hurt and lonely. I know time will heal this. Just 3 bad ones in a row. Depressing.
ScienceGal Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Despite this stress, I loved having someone to hold, to talk with. At my age (mid 40's) it scares me to think of being alone for the rest of my life. This part just broke my heart. I am 33 and have the same fear. This fear is powerful and it causes us to stay in relationships that are not good for us. I know it's difficult, especially with past failed relationships (I'm collecting them at this point. Never married, no children, recently single again.. sigh). Please do not stay with him out of fear that there is no one better. Do not let fear be the guiding force in your life. This is not the man for you, on many levels. (Hugs) 2
Author Goodbye Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 This part just broke my heart. I am 33 and have the same fear. This fear is powerful and it causes us to stay in relationships that are not good for us. I know it's difficult, especially with past failed relationships (I'm collecting them at this point. Never married, no children, recently single again.. sigh). Please do not stay with him out of fear that there is no one better. Do not let fear be the guiding force in your life. This is not the man for you, on many levels. (Hugs) Yes, so true. Best wishes to you as well.
Els Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Glad you're breaking things off, OP. Stay strong! 1
Author Goodbye Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 Thank you all for your replies. It has been cathartic. Got a million texts last night from my kids...kept thinking he'd text, but he did not. He sent me an email this morning saying he'd deleted my texts from yesterday because he knew I said things I didn't mean when angry (I told him that next time he puts up a dating profile he should mention she lives with his parents...I know, mean). He said if he didn't hear from me by the end of the week he'd assume we were done and move on. By "move on" I assume he means date others, as it seems he is unable to be alone. Thankfully I have an insanely busy month so I will just try and stay focused on that. As much as I've complained about him, I do care and i did have an emotional bond that will be missed. Crap, why does life have to be so friggin' complicated. I just can't take care of another person anymore...I've got 3 kids, aging parents and more pets than any normal human being. My cup overflows.
ScienceGal Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I really hope that you do move on. You know in your mind that it's the right thing to do. It's your emotions that are weighing you down. Sometimes, our emotions don't always know what's best for us because they are misguided. Lead with love for yourself, your kids, your life. Be strong.
jen1447 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Thank you all for your replies. It has been cathartic. Got a million texts last night from my kids...kept thinking he'd text, but he did not. He sent me an email this morning saying he'd deleted my texts from yesterday because he knew I said things I didn't mean when angry (I told him that next time he puts up a dating profile he should mention she lives with his parents...I know, mean). He said if he didn't hear from me by the end of the week he'd assume we were done and move on. By "move on" I assume he means date others, as it seems he is unable to be alone. Thankfully I have an insanely busy month so I will just try and stay focused on that. As much as I've complained about him, I do care and i did have an emotional bond that will be missed. Crap, why does life have to be so friggin' complicated. I just can't take care of another person anymore...I've got 3 kids, aging parents and more pets than any normal human being. My cup overflows. It sucks short term but it'll actually get less complicated now. Once you get over the separation anxiety, my guess is he'll quickly lose the love shine and just be the dumpy guy who couldn't. 1
Author Goodbye Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 It sucks short term but it'll actually get less complicated now. Once you get over the separation anxiety, my guess is he'll quickly lose the love shine and just be the dumpy guy who couldn't. I hope so.
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