Author mullins Posted May 14, 2005 Author Posted May 14, 2005 WOW! Do you know her? she confided in me a little while ago telling me that she has always felt an empty spot inside her since she was 5 YO. I were so proud of her when she told me, but angry that she hadnt told me years ago. The girls, the dogs, the cars, the garden, even me i believe are all just a part of her search for this happiness. We are on a two year seperation, then automatic divorce, but is this latest search of hers worth the destruction of our family? Does she really not love me, and how long until she realises what she has done? I know these are probably unanswerable questions, but thats why i cant move on, if only she could wake up to reality we could seek counciling together.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 14, 2005 Posted May 14, 2005 1. Does she really not love me, 2. and how long until she realises what she has done? 1. I'd have to say that on some level, she does love you - but... she is finding that the love that you share isn't enough for her. You could write a check in the amount of a trillion dollars worth of 'love' and it still would not be enough for her. 2. When the reality you shared becomes fantasy, and thus - unobtainable. In other words, when its too late to get it back. I'm glad you are seeking counseling together. A situation like this is a long, long road. If it is allowed to go on, and your daughters came to realize that they 'aren't enough' - then they may end up inheriting those 'holes'. A child who is not taught by positive example, learns a hard lesson through the lack of one.
Author mullins Posted May 14, 2005 Author Posted May 14, 2005 Unfortunately we are seeing our own seperate councilor, she tod me she doesnt want to make our marriage work, that i have had enough chances, and that she doesnt love me. She has only had one session with hers, but im led to believe that she is not telling her the full story, if she were to come clean about online lover boy, then she would be told she has to give him up...not even have him as a friend. At the end of the day, she doesnt even see him for what he is, he is a man who helped destroy a family....is that the type of man she yearns for!
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 14, 2005 Posted May 14, 2005 I have no doubt she is telling her therapist her own version of reality, in which you and your family are something to 'escape from' - she may even have stretched the truth to make it look like you drove her to this. Its unfortunate. One day, years from now she will wake up alone, and with her physical beauty faded and no more chances at a fantasy - she will realize what it was she gave up and you know what? It will be far, far too late to get it back. How old are your daughters? How are they holding up?
Author mullins Posted May 14, 2005 Author Posted May 14, 2005 The girls seem ok, naturally they would like us to be together as a family. I have the 13 YO, the 11 YO is with her mum except at weekends, she is a lot like her mother, tells me mum deserves to be happy. The eldest who chose to live with me doesnt want us back together, she says that i have changed and that if she came home i would no longer be in charge and be the fun dad i am now. I would like to add that i were by no means the ideal husband and father. I think i treated my wife like my mother, as far as i was concerned working hard all day was enough, i was behaving old fashioned, had little respect for her (a lot of that was down to the fact that she did very little) It did take her leaving for me to wake up to the real world, i now see what she needs and wanted to be the one to look after her. I enjoy being in charge of the house and finances, having things organised the way i want them, i have goals for the future, for myself, the girls and the home, i just would have liked her to be a part of them. She will never understand why i kept interfering with her and her online 'lover', and why i do now...or did. I watched my family collapse around me, and all i got told was that she no longer loved me, and that him and her were just FRIENDS.
Author mullins Posted May 15, 2005 Author Posted May 15, 2005 Without sounding ignorant here, is NC no contact? It seems now she has me on block everywhere i turn, i may as well try it. She told me today that i had no right emailing her lover boy, not now, not back when we were together, not ever, that i dont choose her friends, that she doesnt love me, doesnt want to be friends and will never forgive me for interfering with him and her. I can see the idea of no contact, as everytime i talk to her i get told the same things, it cuts like a knife!!
westernxer Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 Yep. NC = No Contact. Learn it, live it (even if you don't love it).
lindya Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 Originally posted by mullins I can see the idea of no contact, as everytime i talk to her i get told the same things, it cuts like a knife!! Absolutely. It's like picking away at a scab. Bleeds every time, and it'll never heal over until you leave it alone. Looking at your first post, you fell straight into the trap of believing that all this is YOUR fault. Now it could well be that there were things you could have done better in the marriage. It sounds like you've done a bit of soul searching there. On the other hand, I don't see your wife being big enough to admit where she might have been at fault. Sounds as if she's too busy encouraging you to believe that you're solely to blame for this marital breakdown. Your 13 yo makes an interesting point about you being a fun dad. Why's that? Is being away from your wife maybe a better thing for you personally than you can see right now? Try not to focus too much on what your wife might need and want, unless you think that a bit of introspection would help you make a future relationship work better. It doesn't sound as if she's spent 5 minutes thinking about what YOU need and want - she's too busy focusing on some post-adolescent infatuation - so why should you waste time and energy trying to figure out ways to please her if she ever deigns to return to you?
Author mullins Posted May 15, 2005 Author Posted May 15, 2005 post-adolescent infatuation LOL, thats what her online lover boy calls her. I just dropped 11 yo back at her mums flat, she didnt want to leave me and her sister....that left all 3 of us in tears. She blames me for brainwashing eldest, and says that had i given her the laptop she would have still been with her. (eldest has Aspergers...addicted to pc atm) My councilor has asked to see both of us this Tuesday, it was so he could see if there was a chance for us, or to help me move on, but that was when we were still friends, im not sure what to do now.
lindya Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 Originally posted by mullins LOL, thats what her online lover boy calls her. I just dropped 11 yo back at her mums flat, she didnt want to leave me and her sister....that left all 3 of us in tears. She blames me for brainwashing eldest, and says that had i given her the laptop she would have still been with her. (eldest has Aspergers...addicted to pc atm) My councilor has asked to see both of us this Tuesday, it was so he could see if there was a chance for us, or to help me move on, but that was when we were still friends, im not sure what to do now. Sorry to hear about the effect this is having on the kids. Can't do much harm to keep the appointment with your counsellor on Tuesday. He's trained to help in situations like this, after all.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. I hope she hasn't lied to her therapist and set you up.
Author mullins Posted May 15, 2005 Author Posted May 15, 2005 I have a feeling she has not told her councilor the full truth about her feelings, if she did that, she would be told to leave him alone...thats the last thing she wants to hear. I think im going to use tuesday as my NC time, see how it goes from there, it cant be any worse that it is now. Thing is, me knowing her as i do, if her lover boy said move to the States and see how we get on as an item, but only you and no kids, i know she would give them up! She would do anything to be with him, even though he has no feelings for her.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 Honestly, your kids are probably better off without a mother who doesn't want them, and who would in a split second give them up to chase an online fantasy/delusion. I'm curious to see how that session goes for you. Hope it goes as well as it can, under the circumstances.
Author mullins Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Well its nearly 8 pm here, 10am tomorrow is the appointment, i have not eaten all day through worry. Im not sure why i am so vervous and shakey, maybe its because i may have to accept its over for good. The councilor seemed to believe she still had some love for me the last time i saw him, but was so obsessed about online boy. maybe thats why i nervous, he mail well see its all over for me
Author mullins Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Well it is the end, a broken family and marriage. She now knows what she wants in life and its not me, she needs someone emotionally strong, and i have not been that until the last year, but too little too late she said. She understands that she will probably never find a man to fit her needs, and will then be able to over come the empty hole she has. I cant help feeling that its all such a waste, we get on, have everything we do in common and had a more than great sex life, but she needed just that little bit more, more strength and support from me. Why wont she give the new me a chance now? are the girls not worth a go?....i guess not. Well today is my 1st day to start NC, i only had a tearful goodbye 10 mins ago with her, and already i want to contact her, this is going to be so hard!! She was the best thing to ever happen to me, now i have lost it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 This person who was the 'best thing to ever happen to you' is the person who destroyed your heart, ripped apart your family, put a fantasy at a greater importance than the children she gave birth to, and walked away from you - leaving you to burn and die alone in the crumpled rubbish heap that she has turned your life into. One day, after you rebuild - you'll be glad that she wasn't around to finish you off. She surely would have if she had stayed. She would have crashed, and taken you and the children down with her into that black place she lives in inside herself - killing you slowly, and passing on that horrible legacy to her daughters. I hope that you will get your own help in this, and see that your children are protected from her (yes! protected! - the best thing that could have happened for your children was to let that emotional black hole walk out of their lives - in time, you'll see that - when they have their own children, they'll see that too... trust me on this one). Yes, it will hurt for a while. They will not understand, you will not understand - but in time, you will come to realize that keeping her would have done an insurmountable damage to your family's psyche. She would have ruined you all from the inside out in her efforts to hold you responsible for filling that emptiness inside herself that only she can fill, and chose to REFUSE to even try. I am sorry that you are stuck in this. My father went through the same sort of thing. It won't be easy, but give yourself time to put yourself and your home back together...
Author mullins Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Hi, I like to think you are right, previous posts from you do sound as though you understand some of what goes on inside her head. I just cant help missing her so much, and i feel sick everytime i picture him and her in bed together, someone else touching what was mine for 17 years...and he doesnt even love her. Well i am still seeing my councillor, and i went out today and bought a new wardrobe of clothes...that was a mates wifes idea lol. During our meeting with my councillor this morning she told me she suffered no pain over walking out, but says it should be me in the flat while she lives here in the house with the two girls. I know her own councillor is digging up a lot of troubles from X, a lot is to do with her dad passing away about two years ago, that also coincides with her saying she stopped loving me two years ago. She also said that online boys personality was the type of man she has always craved, that that is the thing she needs to fill her void, so i guess she has a long search to find him. When councillor asked me what my views were, i told him i see it all as such a waste, we get on in every part of life and that i thought it should have been worth joint help for us both for my sake and the sake of the girls. She has only had two sessions alone, yet is absolutely positive she now knows what has always been missing in her life, but why just walk out? why is her councillor encouraging this?...unless she isnt :/ I am going to start NC, as i see that she too needs to heal and learn to understand more about herself, maybe she will one day come back, maybe when she does i wont want her. NC failed earlier as i picked youngets up from school, i sent X a text, but her phone was off, so she saw me there in some of my new clothes, telling me how nice i looked....didnt know whether to laugh or cry.
xxJewelsxx Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 [font=courier new][/font][color=violet][/color] The NC thing sounds like a good idea to me, its not easy but in a way I think you need to do it as much for her as you do for your own sake. Sometimes you really need to take a step back, its going to hurt you the most because you dont want to do that but, you have to give her the space she needs to find whatever it is she is lacking at the moment. How is she going to miss you and realise what she has lost if she knows you are always there? Its not good for the girls to see what a state you are getting yourself into, you asked me to come and read this and thats what I have done and you know I would only tell you the truth I have nothing to gain or lose so I am going to be that voice of reason, the one that is inside you but you dont want to listen to, I am sorry if it hurts you thats not my intention, but you have to realise there are four people hurting here not just you. You need to have some breathing space, you need time to grief the end of a marriage is like a bereavement, you have to re~read your post properly, you talk about you all the time, not how she must be feeling, she has to be given time to truly figure out what it is she needs and wants from life. You say she was your first girlfriend, was it the same for her? She was a wife and a mother, but when was she ever just herself? I am not defending her, I just understand that as a woman, you can lose who you are inbetween raising children and running a house. The guy in America didnt see her as just your wife, the mother of your children, he saw her as a person and that is flattering when you feel unappreciated and you have lost your sense of identity. I know its not an excuse and no consolation to you, but try to see it from all aspects. I think you do need to get out too, you say you arent ready but all you are doing is wallowing in the marital home because it holds memories for you, its not good for you, I know its very early days, small steps, you dont have to go down the pub and try to pull, you just need a change of scenery and doing that will also clear your mind and hopefully take your mind off things for abit. Theres no instant cure for heartache and just because you want her to come back doesnt necessarily mean its going to happen, you have to start accepting that for the time being you are apart and take each day as it comes, some days will hurt like hell, some not so bad, you can continue the way you are going and stay depressed and wallowy or you can try and pick yourself up and just try to live each day because tomorrow is full of endless possibilities.
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