mullins Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Hi, Ok so im not the strongets of personalities, and maybe those around me that say im bettoer off without her are right, but i just feel the whole seperation is wrong. She is in love with a guy in the States that has made it clear that she is nothing but a friend to him...though they did meet and have sex two weeks ago. She says she has not loved me for the past two years, and that by meeting him online she could see what she is missing in real life. I must admit i was not happy in the relationship entirely for a while, but when she met him online i saw the woman i had maried and loved so deeply, i realised where i had been going wrong, i could have bought that side out of her. I used to mail him telling him of the damage it was doing to our marriage and that there were two girls involved, but he insisted they were just friends, and i have no idea what she used to tell him. Whenever she found out i had contacted him, she went mad, he would put her on ignore and she would accuse me of taking her only friend and cry for days. We seperated 4 months ago, and after the pleading for her to stay it came as a relief when she went. We got on well, but always have, we would go to each others houses and watch tv, talk eat etc, hug when we saw each other and when we left. Recently in the warmer weather she would sit with me in the garden while the girls played, i would cook for us all, we watched movies and had fun, we even ended up in bed! A week ago i contacted him again telling him how things were, he promised to put her on block for at least six months...she was distraught and knew i had something to do with it, but still came around and cried on my shoulder! Last night she found out me and him were in contact, she sent me a mail, called me and told me thats why she is divorcing me....(he said he wanted nothing more to do with us....about time i thought) She reminded me that we were seperated and it had nothing to do with me what she did now, yet since the day they 'met' online i knew it was all just fantasy, she is very stubborn and obsesive at times, she left me, her home, her dogs and split her girls up as the eldest lives with me. It just all seems so wrong, its not a real love she has, he tells her over and over that she is like an infatuated teenager over him. The way i see it, if she could lose her feelings for him, then she may realise her mistake? Or am i just hoping here? If she really didnt love me, when we hugged last weekend, is it normal to go upstairs and *cough* *cough* is it normal to spend so much time with each other? I cant eat or sleep at the moment, i just dont seem to be able to move on, i have never been this low in my life. She is seeing a councilor as am i, why wont she agree to see one together? Im convinced she walked out so i would stop interfering with her chat with her online lover, she told me that if she cant have his love, his friendship will be enough, and she would cry when he told her of the dates he was going on. What do you all make of this? any help pleease
Marshbear Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 She is having an emotional and physical affair with a on-line guy but she insists he is a friend? You do not have sex with your friends. She was probably unhappy with the marriage and rather than talk to you about it she found solace with a man via the Internet. She is probably infatuated with him and thinks her life will be better anywhere than with you. Once a women makes up their mind to act there is little that can be done unless things go badly for them. I would give her space and time. If she still wants to be with him then you will have to accept it. There is no easy answer to the end of a relationship. I wouldn't beat yourself up over what went wrong and the whys and only ifs. There was probably blame on both sides. Just try to continue your life with your girls and see what happens. What else can you do? The Best....
Skeered Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Mullins - Pick up your chin..I know this is very difficult for you and you are hoping for the best but from what you wrote I feel that you are better off. Sorry if that upsets you but it sounds to me that your wife is only thinking of herself at this point. She has mentally moved on with this online guy and isn't lookin at the whole picture. With her online guy she has this "fantasy" world built up in her mind that is better than the reality of what she had with you. But it is just that a fantasy. This guy thinks of her as a friend and is dating and is moving forward with his life and she is hoping that he will be her knight and come sweep her off her feet and make everyday perfect. This will not happen, this man has probably become totally disenchanted with her because of all the communications with you and her. Take some pride in yourself that you have to do what is best for your daughters now and what's best for you. Let her fall into this pit she is digging, she is only hurting herself and you can't stop her from doing that if she is determined to keep digging. So again hold your head high you have done all you can...be strong for your daughters and in my opinion I think you should try to get your youngest child to be with you and your oldest daughter they should not be seperated they are all they have strong to cleave to through this time...I have been there and even with all the support and strength my mom had my sister was my best friend through the divorce.
westernxer Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 You've got one messed up marriage. That's what I think.
debs Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Mullins? I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your estranged wife has no intentions of reconsilling with you! From what you have posted here on LS, you made it abundantly clear she is moving on with her life and as selfish as that may seem to you she is! When they are head over heels about the online or off-line romance it doesn't matter if they loose gold they will leave! No matter what you do she will resent it! No matter how hard you try she is leaving never the less! I am so sorry you are hurting and to look back at my last 17 months I would not want to go back to where I just came from before during and after my divorce! I have no miracle cures or fixes and I hope you come to the realization that she is a lost cause and you need to get on with your life!
Author mullins Posted May 13, 2005 Author Posted May 13, 2005 I just cant find the strength to move on, it breaks my heart when i drop my youngest off, an watch her walk alone to the flat while im in the car with eldest. Why do all those that love me tell me she will one day wake up and see what she has done and lost, yet i cant. She would sit on the pc night after night untill the early hours, i would listen to her giggle with him until i snapped and smashed the modem up, they would be at it again the next day, girls ignored when they got in from school, burnt dinner in the oven because she was chatting on Im with him and not keeping an eye on the food. I endured this for 9 months, when they had a row i would hold her and comfort her. Two years ago i lost my temper in a bad way, she was on the pc again and i was feeling the lack of attention, i smashed some of the house up, and made her cower in the corner....i cried seeing what i had just put her through. That was the day she said she stopped loving me, she told me he was just the final push she needed. I feel she has gone from one obsession to another, though she says its her way of finding happiness, but she ignored everything and everyone around her during her obsessive times. Maybe we are not suited, i just feel the strongest love for her than i ever have, we used to get on so well untill we bought our 1st pc.
westernxer Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Format the hard drive and sell it. Or just take out the modem and/or Ethernet card so that she can't sign on and chat her love life away. Or just go into the configuration utility and disable networking capabilities. Other than that, you can't blame the computer. It's just a tool -- an excuse, if you will.
Author mullins Posted May 13, 2005 Author Posted May 13, 2005 She moved into a flat, she said that it will be all girl fun when she leaves me, so far she is more depressed than i have ever seen her, and one of my girls chose to live with me. Something else that concerns me is that im buying her out over the next two years, she said she wants her key back for the summer holidays so they can all sit in the garden while im at work. Not sure what the law is, but i dont fancy her poking around my things.
Author mullins Posted May 13, 2005 Author Posted May 13, 2005 An update! We just had contact online and she said she will never forgive me for taking her love/ friend from her, and that i have no right to interfere with her life. Well i have now blocked her, and it hurts like hell, i cant help myself but to want to hold her again...sad to some of you i know, from my family i had no love and afection, constantly reminded i were a waste of space, this girl is the 1st that showed me love, and i abused her, i offered nothing in return for her affection. I sit here typing, crying, knowing my mistakes, knowing hers, wanting her to understand why i did what i did, if i didnt have others around that loved me, i really feel i could end it, i have never felt i could take my own life before, if it wasnt for my mum, friends and girls, it would be so much easyer!!!! (poor spl)
westernxer Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Pull yourself together... you're at an incredible low point right now. Get out of the house and go talk to someone you trust before you do something stupid. You need some intensive peer support. Everyone makes mistakes... what you've got to realize is that it's not the end of the world. She can't make you, so don't let her break you!
Author mullins Posted May 13, 2005 Author Posted May 13, 2005 I cant help it, she left for the wrong reasons, her dream is for him to whisk her off her feet..it aint going to happen, im better than the two of them together, i just dont beleive i am!
amish Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Do NOT feel as though you should shoulder all the blame here. The affair was HER choice, regardless of what YOU feel you may have done to contribute to that. You did what any husband would have done in asking her "love" to get the heck out of your lives. I have been at the emotional depth you are experiencing right now, I've had those same feelings of lost hope. Many of us here at LS have probably had those feelings, but we have all (most?) learned that tired old phrase that "it gets better with time," is TRUE. So go on living, that's how you make it better. You should probably limit (like to ZERO) your contact with the estranged wife since it does, in fact, make the healing that much easier. Rely on yourself for your happiness. And pleeeease seek some help if you can't get out of this funk.
Author mullins Posted May 13, 2005 Author Posted May 13, 2005 I seem to lack the strength to stop contact, i long to hear her, or see her type, i think of excuses to make a 'normal' contact, like what are you doing tomorrow etc, i know those hewre on the forum will behave like my friendss and family, and growe tired of my lack of srtength, i cant help the fact that i never had much...i do know im better thatn her, i just cant really convince myself. .
westernxer Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Well, you'd better start believing in yourself or else she'll eat you alive. Why do I have this feeling you don't want to help yourself?
amish Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Hey man, it took me a long time to actually be able to not contact my ex "just to hear her voice." (which I really can't avoid for long periods of time due to our baby boy) Anyway, I finally came to the realization that, regardless of the topic or tone of our conversations, I ALWAYS felt worse after having contacted her. Every time! Once I realized that, I discovered it was pretty darn easy to keep from contacting her. So ask yourself, do you honestly feel better after contact? Sure you have the strength to do it, you just have to find that strength and use it.
Author mullins Posted May 13, 2005 Author Posted May 13, 2005 Im not sure, i had a troubled childhood, i know im better than her, i bailed her out of debt when we met, she got me into 60k of debt.....why do i not see her for what she is?
westernxer Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Don't let your childhood get the best of you... that's not an excuse anymore. Your wife is psycho.
Author mullins Posted May 13, 2005 Author Posted May 13, 2005 Probably i dont want to help myself, i just want my wife back, i cant imagine loving anyone like her again, we grew up together, she was my soul mate. I know many are a lot worse off than me, and that should give me strength. I dont want to go through the learning stage again maybe, yet i know that if i fell in love again that the learning stage is so much fun! There, i just said it, i want to find new love, but i cant lose my old feelings, i know i need time, i just dont feel i will ever get over her, she always tells me who she has slept with, or if she is going into town for a night out...that sends my mind racing, imagining her with other men, men getting the afffection/attention i want.
amish Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Originally posted by mullins .....she always tells me who she has slept with, or if she is going into town for a night out...that sends my mind racing, imagining her with other men, men getting the afffection/attention i want..... Sounds like a pretty good reason to limit contact
westernxer Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 No wonder you can't get over her... you keep letting her get inside your head. You grew up together? So what. Soul mates? S.h.i.t. Get the hell away from her. Your first stop should be a divorce lawyer.
Author mullins Posted May 13, 2005 Author Posted May 13, 2005 Oh boy, feels like i just broke my finger on the heavy bag (punch bag) Im going to sleep, and im going to get through this, my girls love me, they want to be with me, im a good loving man in the right company. Hope im strong enough to not contact her! Will keep you updated, and thatnk you so much for hearing me out, you wont believe how it helps hearing from you guys, and reading the probs of those worse off than me.
westernxer Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Stay strong for your girls, but stay out of her way. Hang in there.
Author mullins Posted May 14, 2005 Author Posted May 14, 2005 One thing still bothering me here, how can i move on if i so firmly believe that if she lost her feelings for online lover boy, then she would realise her mistake and come back to me?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 14, 2005 Posted May 14, 2005 by meeting him online she could see what she is missing in real life I think this is the problem. The crux of it. Not the affair. That is why your wife lacks the capability to be happy. Not because of you. Not because of marriage. Not because of 'fantasy online guy' - but because she is lacking something inside herself that she is looking frantically for everywhere except for the only place she'll find it: inside herself. She thinks that the 'magic filler' is always just around every corner. It is what allows her to look at the emotional investments she has with you, and with your children and is able to weigh them against a PURE FANTASY and find reality lacking. This "real, true love" she thinks she found with this guy is some false reality that she has built for herself inside her heart - she made it some illusory 'holy grail of happiness' and now she's on an endless quest to find that something that doesn't even exist. She will continue to rebuild that false hope every time it wavers, or if she reaches the reality - only to find it disappointingly lacking. Every time she finds herself in a situation where she becomes settled and happy, and all the drama dies to a simmer - guess what. That hole will still be there. In frustration, she'll try to escape this hole (which she will blame on whomever happens to be around - in this case, you) and run toward some intangible thing she thinks can fill it. You shattered her illusion before she had a chance to go chase it. She convinced herself that her illusion was reality, and when you showed her what it was - she blamed you for "taking it away". When she finds someone else, within a short time I bet, when the illusion starts to crack - she'll be jumping right back into fantasy-land to find what it is she is missing "in real life". Your wife needs help to realize that she will have to learn to find happiness inside herself, and not from some imaginary outside source. Until she does, she will continue this cycle. Will she come back? Maybe, when she needs comfort and security - but it will either be fleeting and she'll leave again, or she will just give up, stay and go emotionally numb on you. You are at a point now, where you can absolve yourself of this if you wish. She wants a divorce, and there is little you can do to change her mind. Ask if she would compromise with a legal separation for a year, if you want to leave the door open a crack for her. Otherwise, accept the divorce, change the locks, avoid contact with her and start the process of cutting her out of life, and eventually... heart.
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