EastCoastKassie Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 (edited) I'm dating a guy who's friend has become a very consistent third wheel, and I'm starting to have difficulties with it. I've been dating the guy about a month (we'll just refer to him as SO--significant other). They were friends (albeit not super close ones) before I came into their social circles. I spent time with both of them, and three of us would go places. Now I'm dating the one. And the other one still goes everywhere with us. Seriously, almost everywhere. Which would be fine. EXCEPT for his behavior when he's with us. Example: If we run into him, he insists on then becoming a part of the date himself for the rest of the night, and dictating where we go/what we do. That's fine, except his attitude in these situations is not. He's very actively trying NOT to be single, so he insists on third wheeling, but then gets bitter and hostile and makes snide comments while he's with us. These comments have become more sexual. "Get some" etc. But then when he GENUINELY thinks he's witnessed something even mildly sexual (like my SO touching my thigh), he freaks out and makes comments like "WHAT would SO-and-so think if they knew?" I'm starting to learn he doesn't really value what women say/think. When he's out with us, he makes crude comments about women we pass by. Like "I would date her but she's too heavy". Like he somehow thinks he can custom build a dating partner like a car, and she'll be so lucky to have him! He also asks me questions about my position/viewpoint on certain things, then you can tell he's taken aback when I answer him honestly. Final straw was earlier this week, he made a comment about my car. He found out that my senior year of college, my grandparents helped me put the down payment on my car--I'd been driving an unreliable old car I loved dearly, and this was the only way I could get the vehicle I have now. I'm tremendously greatful everyday, and I know my situation is far from unusual for people just graduating from college. Yet when he found out, he blurted, "OH, THAT'S why you have a new car! I was gonna say, that seemed like too nice of car for you to have while in school!" Except...He has the same car. And is in school. And isn't paying for his. I'm a college graduate, who's had her car for a couple years now, and makes payments. I just started a new job, and he about got me in trouble. He pressured my SO into both of them showing up at my work, and the friend playing a prank on me (SO didn't know he was going to this until it was too late), in front of my new coworkers. I was mortified. To the point where I was so upset I almost stopped dating the other guy over it. The friend knows how important my career is to me, and it was beyond embarrassing and unprofessional. In addition to all these other wonderful things he says and does, he seems to not value privacy. He regularly gets in my SO's phone, and reads all his text conversations. Including his and I's. Which is really annoying, because I can't say anything private, because I know his friend will be in there reading it soon. I can't text anything sexual, because the guy will see it, read it, and tell people we're friends with. He also feels the need to text from the phone, so I'm never really sure when I'm getting a text if it's from him, or the friend. I'm getting really frustrated. I've always told myself we're all third wheels at some point or another in our life, and I've tried to be respectful of it. But he's getting on my nerves. I don't want to resent him, and I'm starting to. And because we're all three friends, I'm not sure how to tell him to back off. Any advice or opinions? Oh and by the way--We're all in our early to mid 20s. Edited September 7, 2015 by EastCoastKassie
road Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Simply state to your BF he has to chose who he wants to date and who he wants to lose because you will not accept his friend butting into you life and relationship any more.
salparadise Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Yea, there are boundary issues here and it's both the other guy not knowing when to butt out, and your boyfriend being either unaware or unwilling to manage the situation. A talk with the boyfriend is in order. Tell him you are not interested in dating the two of them, and not interested hanging out like a clic of middle schoolers. If the bf has half a brain he'll get it; if not then perhaps it's time to reassess the potential for this relationship.
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