acapelo_dp Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Hey everyone! I am 25 years old and have been a couple of serious relationships in my life but have never lived with a boyfriend before. I have been dating my current boyfriend for two years (he is also 25) and we decided at the end of this month I will be moving in with him. We want to see if this relationship will make it through that stage, and I have to say I am pretty nervous and excited at the same time. Right now I live on my own with a roommate (female) but it is downtown in the city and is super expensive for me right now. Besides getting to see my boyfriend every night I will be saving about $400 a month which is nice as well. I want our relationship to remain strong and not go stale so to speak. I work shift work and one weekend day, so I believe we will have enough time to do our own thing. He works a regular 8am-5pm job Monday-Friday. Just wondering if anyone has any advice, or tips on living with a boyfriend for the first time or any experiences anyone may have that would be helpful I am just worried we may get bored of each other, or that I have to find something to do all the time to get out of the house! We both have our own hobbies and friends so it's not a huge deal. I am just very new to this. Thanks so much in advance!
PogoStick Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 I am just worried we may get bored of each other, or that I have to find something to do all the time to get out of the house! We both have our own hobbies and friends so it's not a huge deal. I am just very new to this. Thanks so much in advance! Spending time apart will be one of the best things you can do for this relationship. Try to find something regular, at least 1 night a week, that you do without him. Get a hobby, sports team, girls night out. 2
Survivor12 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Although it may not be the kind of advice you were looking for... Keep your finances separate. Keep a written record of who owns what. Do not loan or borrow money from each other. Maintain a savings account with enough money to allow you to be able to leave if things don't work out. Make a budget together & decide how the expenses are to be split. Put it in writing. Keep records of all contributions you make toward household expenses. Pay bills together. Don't just hand over "your share" or take on the responsibility of managing finances on your own--and NEVER pay cash. Never underestimate the impact that finances can have on a relationship--or on a breakup. Good luck! 4
mystikmind2005 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 He may get a little disturbed by the loss of privacy, especially if you find anything private like porn - it would definitely make him more comfortable if you pretend you did not see it! And even if he knows that you know, pretending not to know will be appreciated, lol
Ami1uwant Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 How is it staying over his place? Do you like what's there or do you see yourself wanting to change slot. Another issue..how much stuff do you have? How common is it to his stuff? How close is your current roommate...are you guys good friends? If so go through a trial of living together over a 2-4 week period and see how it goes. At that point decide.
Author acapelo_dp Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 Thanks! We have actually sat down already and discussed our budgets together. I have my contribution on the rent and bills set in stone and a number I will be paying at the end of every month. We are definitely keeping our bank accounts separate and not sharing finances - I think that is something for marriage (personally for me anyway). After work he does kick boxing Monday-Friday and I enjoy going to the gym or going to yoga. So I think I might hang out with my friends a bit more once I live with him, since I know I will be seeing him at the end of the night regardless. Would a date night once a week still be a good idea still?
Author acapelo_dp Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 He may get a little disturbed by the loss of privacy, especially if you find anything private like porn - it would definitely make him more comfortable if you pretend you did not see it! And even if he knows that you know, pretending not to know will be appreciated, lol He is actually very very good at hiding his porn on his phone and laptop. I have never found anything but he knows I know that he watches it. Totally not a problem as long as he still wants to have sex with me haha. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 How is it staying over his place? Do you like what's there or do you see yourself wanting to change slot. Another issue..how much stuff do you have? How common is it to his stuff? How close is your current roommate...are you guys good friends? If so go through a trial of living together over a 2-4 week period and see how it goes. At that point decide. He is right by the train and very close to my work as well (I take transit and he has a vehicle). His place is not as close to the downtown core so I would have to travel a bit more to get to a busier area, but overall it's quieter. I don't like his apartment as much as mine just because it isn't as aesthetically nice, however it is much more affordable. I am bringing in a ton of kitchen appliances and accessories that I have, a coffee table, dresser, and a bit of furniture. I am also going to decorate it up a bit. He has all the basic stuff already as he has lived there for 5 months already himself. My roommate and I are not close at all. She is nice and pays all the bills on time but we hardly talk. We never knew each other before living together. She is moving into a one bedroom in the same building.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Give him great sex and excellent home-cooked meals and he oughta be a very happy man 1
newmoon Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 <<<We want to see if this relationship will make it through that stage>>> this is too cute:confused:
Author acapelo_dp Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 <<<We want to see if this relationship will make it through that stage>>> this is too cute:confused: Moving in together is a big deal to me and can make or break a relationship from what I have seen. I don't take it lightly and neither does he. We want to know if we can get through that stage of a relationship - which we are hopeful we will as we get along well if it doesn't work out we know it is bad timing or just not the right relationship for us. After two years it's time to find out.
central Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Even if your state (or whatever) does not have common law marriage (which can be a real problem if the state wants to treat you as married and you don't!), a 'non-marital cohabitation agreement' is a good idea. Your budget and other agreements can be addendums to the basic agreement. You can find samples by googling the term. We had one when we moved in together, and it actually saved us from some unwanted complications when my then-gf became temporarily disabled. Producing the dated, notarized document got her more services and benefits than she would have otherwise, because of default assumptions various agencies make.
Els Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 (edited) When my SO and I moved in together (at around your age), the transition was really easy and smooth. So I don't think you should worry too much about it, if you're meant to be it will work out pretty easily. That being said, some issues can creep up on you later on, so I do have a few tips: 1) If you're worried about having space to yourself, physical space matters a whole lot. What type of apartment is your bf's? The first house we rented was a 2 bedroom, and it was by far the best place we've ever lived in. We used the other bedroom as a study, where either one of us can retreat to if we want to read quietly or something. 1 bedroom apartment was doable, but if you can afford a 2 bedroom, it's well worth the slightly higher cost. Do NOT live in a studio apartment together no matter what you think you'll save - you'll pay amply for it with your sanity. Did 3 months of that, we moved to a different one ASAP. 2) Be sure to make the effort to have date night (or date afternoon, or whatever) at least once a week if at all possible. Keep the 'dating' in the relationship. Couples who live together tend to find their R getting stale if all they ever do together is chores, errands, and vegging out on the couch. 3) Lots of people have already mentioned finances, so I'm going to leave that to them and talk about housework instead - IMO learning how to split this matters just as much as finances. Neither of the above needs to be 50/50 if you don't want it to be (and it can be 50/50 if you want it to be), but the overall split should be equitable. I've known several women who found themselves getting resentful down the line because they realized they were doing all or the majority of the housework - and in the cases where they were paying 50% of the rent while doing all of the housework, things went downhill really quick. Resentment can eat at your R a lot without you even realizing it, so be sure to keep communication very open about this. Edited September 7, 2015 by Elswyth
Author acapelo_dp Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 When my SO and I moved in together (at around your age), the transition was really easy and smooth. So I don't think you should worry too much about it, if you're meant to be it will work out pretty easily. That being said, some issues can creep up on you later on, so I do have a few tips: 1) If you're worried about having space to yourself, physical space matters a whole lot. What type of apartment is your bf's? The first house we rented was a 2 bedroom, and it was by far the best place we've ever lived in. We used the other bedroom as a study, where either one of us can retreat to if we want to read quietly or something. 1 bedroom apartment was doable, but if you can afford a 2 bedroom, it's well worth the slightly higher cost. Do NOT live in a studio apartment together no matter what you think you'll save - you'll pay amply for it with your sanity. Did 3 months of that, we moved to a different one ASAP. 2) Be sure to make the effort to have date night (or date afternoon, or whatever) at least once a week if at all possible. Keep the 'dating' in the relationship. Couples who live together tend to find their R getting stale if all they ever do together is chores, errands, and vegging out on the couch. 3) Lots of people have already mentioned finances, so I'm going to leave that to them and talk about housework instead - IMO learning how to split this matters just as much as finances. Neither of the above needs to be 50/50 if you don't want it to be (and it can be 50/50 if you want it to be), but the overall split should be equitable. I've known several women who found themselves getting resentful down the line because they realized they were doing all or the majority of the housework - and in the cases where they were paying 50% of the rent while doing all of the housework, things went downhill really quick. Resentment can eat at your R a lot without you even realizing it, so be sure to keep communication very open about this. Thank you so much for the great advice! All very good points it's nice to hear some words from someone with much more experience than me. I am definitely the clean freak in the relationship so I will make sure to divide up chores. Also forgot to mention it is a one bedroom, so that is a downfall. If it works out we plan to get a 2 bedroom when the lease is up so we can have more space 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 OP, not to be a total Debbie Downer, but I assume this is the same boyfriend from your other threads - the one who randomly broke up with you after taking drugs one weekend. Is that correct? If so, you need to be very cautious here. Moving in together after already having had such a rough patch could be tricky transition. I have lived with two different boyfriends and it always brings challenges, especially when the relationship doesn't exactly have a solid history. As others have suggested, keep your finances separate for now. Try to work out a schedule of housework/duties so one of you isn't doing all the heavy lifting. Make time for each other out of the house too; living together can sometimes make couples very complacent and - frankly - bored of each other. Get out and do some fun activities together that will keep the interest level high. Think about conflict resolution too. When you argue, you will need to be able to find a way to resolve it while still being in the same space. Think about how you will accommodate each other's needs during these times, while still respecting your own.
Els Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Thank you so much for the great advice! All very good points it's nice to hear some words from someone with much more experience than me. I am definitely the clean freak in the relationship so I will make sure to divide up chores. Also forgot to mention it is a one bedroom, so that is a downfall. If it works out we plan to get a 2 bedroom when the lease is up so we can have more space No problems at all. Hope things work out well for you. Also, I hope this isn't derailing, but if what Expat says is true about the drugs etc, do be certain that you have a good backup plan for what happens if you move in with him and things don't work out. Enough savings for a security deposit on a new place, etc. It would be terrible to be in a situation where you can't leave if you need to - even if it may not happen, better safe than sorry yeah? 1
joseb Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Hi OP, it's good that you are treating moving in seriously. It is a big step in a relationship. Others here have given you good pointers. My worry, after a quick glance at your other posts, is that your relationship sounds a bit unstable. 3 months ago you were writing about how you could get with some other guy. Are you sure you are ready for this step? 1
Lois_Griffin Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 3) Lots of people have already mentioned finances, so I'm going to leave that to them and talk about housework instead - IMO learning how to split this matters just as much as finances. Neither of the above needs to be 50/50 if you don't want it to be (and it can be 50/50 if you want it to be), but the overall split should be equitable. I've known several women who found themselves getting resentful down the line because they realized they were doing all or the majority of the housework - and in the cases where they were paying 50% of the rent while doing all of the housework, things went downhill really quick. Resentment can eat at your R a lot without you even realizing it, so be sure to keep communication very open about this. ^^^^^ REPEATED FOR TRUTH. ^^^^^^ You might think it's cute playing house for the first few months - doing all the domestic chores and catering to him and cooking his meals and folding his clothes and cleaning the apartment - all while he does NOTHING. You'll find that gets old - REAL quick. A lot of the guys here will claim that there's no benefit for a guy coupling up with a woman, but the truth is, if you're working and contributing 50% financially AND the one doing the lion's share of all the work around the house, the only one benefitting is HIM. Heed the advice above. Seriously. 3
veggirl Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 (edited) When I moved in with my bf it was a HUGE adjustment for me. I love my personal space and alone time, and it was combined with a cross country move so it was very stressful. I agree with all the financial advice, sounds like you have that squared away. Do NOT ignore the importance of a chore schedule of sorts. Discuss who does what. This was a BIG point of contention for me and my bf until we sat down and talked about it. I totally agree with not getting into a routine of doing everything (unless that is something you guys agree on for some reason...). Who buys groceries / cleaning supplies, who cooks and who cleans? I know couples (like my sister and her hubby) who pretty much buy their own groceries and cook their own meals (different dietary preferences and work schedules, etc) and then there are others like my bf and I where we eat the same meal at the same time, etc. I buy the food and the rough average of what I spend per month is considered into what I pay for rent, ya know? I think having enough $ to move out in a weekend IN CASE things don't work out is a GREAT idea too. It sounds pessimistic, but you never know how things will go, esp when you are still quite young / maybe not as committed yet. Edited September 7, 2015 by veggirl 2
Amelie1980 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Is it this guy? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/532752-my-ex-slowly-trying-creep-back Run like the wind!
Author acapelo_dp Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 (edited) Thanks to everyone for the great advice. As for my other threads I don't want to focus on that. In the past three months he has made huge efforts and has been honestly amazing. He is learning to be open about communication and I am working on things as well. Please let's keep the focus on advice moving in I definitely have enough money to move out if things don't work out as well which is nice. I agree with everyone it's good to have enough savings for that just in case Edited September 7, 2015 by acapelo_dp 2
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Cohabitation seems to be much more common today than it was 30-40 years ago
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