Where Do I Go From Here?

[TanniJ904]

5 years together.

Everything was, for the most part, very great.

We had our little tiffs and misunderstandings, but who doesn't?

He usually goes silent, I apologize (usually for getting upset over something stupid he did LOL) and we make up quickly.

 

But it's always been a very loving, in-love, passionate relationship.

He says I've been the highlight of his life, his soulmate, I'm perfect for him, etc, and I feel the same.

 

Skyped on Friday afternoon (8-28), conversation full of love, flirting, happiness-- the usual. Everything was normal.

 

Friday night I had a very rough night at work. Very bad to where I was rattled and upset and overwrought. BAD bad night.

 

I emailed to tell him about it and he responded with something like "meh, too much drama".

I got even more upset, chewed him out for not "taking my side" and ended my email with f.u.

 

Didn't speak all weekend (which is not unusual), and when I tried to call Monday (8-31), he wasn't talking to me. Later that day he emailed "quit calling- we're over".

 

I was in a state of shock to say the least.

I called a few times, he wouldn't pick up. Left 4-5 messages asking wtf??

Never angry, just hurt and confused and upset

 

I emailed, no reply.

I was getting panicked and hurt and emailed him to say "Fine, be done with me if that's what you want. Just give me my things so I can put this relationship behind me!"

 

(Naturally that wasn't at all what I wanted but "my things" felt like the only thing I had left to bargain with, if you know what I mean.)

 

We've always had a standing date on Tuesday at 7pm, but since the argument happened Monday, I was too chicken to go and emailed him to tell him that. No reply.

 

I told him I would come next Tuesday (9-7) like usual, and he finally replied, saying he'd meet elsewhere because he just wanted to be done with it all. I said no, I was going to come over anyway. No reply.

 

On Friday (9-4) I emailed, said I was sorry, I was wrong, and it was all my fault. No reply.

 

He is the type who has a lot of difficulties dealing with emotions. In fact, after a particularly awesome night together, he'd often go MIA for a few days, just to "recover"-- go into his man-cave. I know that and we laugh about it at times.

 

He's always saying I'm too good for him, I can have any guy, I'm gorgeous, etc, and he's a nothing-nobody who doesn't know why I'm with him. He says I'm perfect, every man would love to be with me, and that kind of thing. Just a few days before this issue, he said he felt so honored to be out with me in public.

 

I know he loves me deeply, more than he has ever loved anyone. I know that.

 

I've left him alone these last couple of days-- no contact. Let him be.

 

Where do I go from here? A part of me is trying to see the bigger picture, telling myself "yes, you blew it and were out of line and he's too hurt to deal with you right now, and that's normal for him, but he'll come around."

 

I keep telling myself he loves me so much, and always has, and is angry and hurt, and feels disrespected. He is very much a "I need space" type of man. He withdraws - that's just what he needs to do.

 

It's not unusual for us not to talk for 2-4 days so us not talking isn't a big sign. It's also not unusual for him not to reply to email. Sometimes he might not understand what I mean so he'll not reply. Other times I'll say something romantic and loving and he won't reply. Not that he's required to, but him not replying to email isn't a big deal either.

 

But another part is thinking "what if this really is it?? What if I go over Tuesday and he's done?"

 

I don't know what to do or say. My last communication said I was sorry, I was wrong, and it was all my fault and that's been 2 days.

 

Any advice?

 

I don't think I can stress enough the 2 things-

he's very much the type who needs space and typically bounces back when things blow over.

he's always been extremely loving and passionate and "in love" with me for years, like I'm the greatest thing that ever walked the earth.

 

What do I do now, if anything?

Edited September 6, 2015 by TanniJ904

[MrBojangles]

I emailed to tell him about it and he responded with something like "meh, too much drama".

I got even more upset, chewed him out for not "taking my side" and ended my email with f.u.

 

 

Sorry you are going through this right now. But it sounds like he's had all he can take at the moment. If you back off a bit he may come around. TBH, it sounds like he's just had enough. Any actions you force now will only throw gasoline on the fire, while you both are still emotional.

 

Relationships sometime become toxic for one or both people. From the details you have given here, your relationship definitely had become unhealthy. When either of you disappear for days without speaking, it's a sign of bad things to come. The only thing you can do is give him some space and see if he reconsiders.

 

For the sake of this relationship, if it can be salvaged, and for future relationships, please consider better coping skills for alleviating stress. It's telling that he chose to reply to your email with "meh, too much drama", instead of being supportive.

[theredpill]

Stress is a killer, it takes little chunks under the radar and you don't see how bad things are till there's a blow up, aka his response.

 

 

Give him sometime, say nothing but be prepared for the worst.

 

 

Good luck tiger

[TanniJ904]

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it.

 

Not talking to each other for a few days is normal for us. We've never been the type to talk every day, since we're both busy at different times. We check in with email, and when we do speak, we talk for 2 hours at a stretch a couple of times a week, and get together a couple of times a week. That's just how our schedules are.

 

I just don't know how it could go from total love & kisses on Friday to never speaking to me on Monday. Everything has been good for so long -- so I thought...?

 

I guess I was also hoping that when I lashed out at him, he lashed out like a jerk (dumping me) and when I ran with it, we were both over-reacting.

 

The only hope I can see is when I said I was coming over anyway, he didn't keep fighting it. I'm hoping we've both cooled off then. At the very least, I'd like to make peace if we're done.

 

I'm adding up all the little tiffs over the last 6 months, (3) rather than all the good times (at least 40-50 dates).

 

I think we both behaved badly.

I shouldn't have gotten so angry when I didn't feel supported. I should have explained myself and the situation better and asked for advice, rather than ripping into him.

 

Thank you for 'listening' and letting me vent. It's cathartic and appreciated.

[madjac74]

he's always been extremely loving and passionate and "in love" with me for years, like I'm the greatest thing that ever walked the earth.

 

What do I do now, if anything?

 

Sooo he puts you on this pedestal but he often needs 2 to 4 days without you? Not sure I believe him. Usually guys who say those type of corny things are just feeding you lines and are often feeding others the same corny lines. I know you have 5 years invested but don't act so helpless and begging him back, he is probably eating that up. Go no contact, build yourself back up and maybe go on a few dates.

 

You tried to work things out and he chose to be immature and not talk it out with you. Nothing more you can do but take care of yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sooo he puts you on this pedestal but he often needs 2 to 4 days without you? Not sure I believe him. Usually guys who say those type of corny things are just feeding you lines and are often feeding others the same corny lines. I know you have 5 years invested but don't act so helpless and begging him back, he is probably eating that up. Go no contact, build yourself back up and maybe go on a few dates.

 

You tried to work things out and he chose to be immature and not talk it out with you. Nothing more you can do but take care of yourself.

 

I couldn't agree more with this.

 

OP, do you feel your needs were really being met in this relationship? Did you feel appreciated, valued, and heard? I can understand needing some cool-down time after an argument, but retreating to "his cave" regularly suggests a bigger problem. I know you said you laugh with him about this - really? It is honestly okay with you that he needs so much space from you?

 

His need for space are being accommodated by you. What about your need for communication? How did he help you feel secure and loved when he goes off the radar?

[TanniJ904]

I couldn't agree more with this.

 

OP, do you feel your needs were really being met in this relationship? Did you feel appreciated, valued, and heard? I can understand needing some cool-down time after an argument, but retreating to "his cave" regularly suggests a bigger problem. I know you said you laugh with him about this - really? It is honestly okay with you that he needs so much space from you?

 

His need for space are being accommodated by you. What about your need for communication? How did he help you feel secure and loved when he goes off the radar?

 

We had different schedules, so we saw each other 2-3 times a week, talked and communicated often.

I usually felt appreciated, valued, and heard, yes.

The longer we were together, the less he'd go "caving". It's been ok with me because I knew I could always call him or see him if/when I needed or wanted to. I wasn't cut off or banned from his life. We were just busy doing different things. For example, I had gone back to school and was launching a new business; he had major surgery.

 

It was just life.

 

That being said, I think a week of the silent treatment, and now telling me (emailing) to quit calling is pretty lousy behavior on his part and no matter what crime I have committed, the punishment is cruel and unusual.

 

I'm embarrassed to say I have been "begging" him to see me and explain what happened. He threw me a crumb, saying he'd get with me next month sometime. Gee, thanks. I told him in a month I really wouldn't care, it wouldn't matter.

 

I guess I'm in a state of shock. Like I said, it was wonderful on Friday when we spoke, and then a little tiff on Saturday and BAM-- nothing.

 

I guess I'm afraid that if I stop calling him and disappear, it really IS over and to me, that's a huge thing to comprehend.

It feels like a sudden, unexpected death... and I'm pretty much an orphan anyway.

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it.

I'm so humiliated and embarrassed, I haven't told anyone what has happened.

[TanniJ904]

I wanted to mention something else, perhaps someone could offer insight.

 

Two+ months ago I started seeing a therapist to overcome being claustrophobic. Through therapy, felt myself becoming a stronger, more confident, more direct, more logical person. I even mentioned that I was getting out more, feeling better, etc. I was feeling like I had more possibilities in life, and also more insightful. I liked myself a lot better too.

 

He mentioned something like --this therapy you're going through is changing you so keep doing it. It was a compliment , and I was pleased.

 

I felt I was much more grounded. I was making progress.

 

Now, after he dumps me, I feel myself becoming weak, insecure, anxious, small. I'm struggling and right now I feel so anxious and unsettled-- again. Like I'm losing ground.

 

A part of me is feeling that my changes threatened him and so he unceremoniously dumps me to gain power.

 

Do you think that's something, or have I been reading too much Psychology Today?

 

Thank you for reading.

[thejabberwocky]

I don't think you're going to be able to save this relationship - and not because of anything you did!

 

The fact that you guys fight and he just stops talking to you will never work out. Communication is SO important in a relationship. It is NOT normal to go days without speaking over a little argument. Adults talk things through.

 

If he cannot handle an adult relationship, that is his problem and not yours. I know it is so hard after five years together, but this is an immature and toxic relationship. You guys will never make it because you cannot communicate.

 

Your best bet is to do NC for 60 days and then you can contact him and reevaluate. Maybe in that time he'll realize what you mean to him and be willing to talk out issues more. But regardless, at least you will have some mental clarity and your dignity (since he clearly does not want to speak to you now and you can't force him to).

 

I'm so sorry. I think your therapist can help you greatly during this time, as you can assess why you want to be with a man shuts down on you. It will give you things to work on during NC and help you figure out how you can communicate better if you do get back together.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, I think he's just over it.

 

You should be asking yourself instead why you want to stay attached to a guy who tosses you aside like that. He's a child.