ameshal Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Hi all, I need some advice on how I should proceed in my situation. My GF of 5 years and I just broke up on Monday (Im 33 and shes 30). She moved back to her home province about 3 hours away from me. There didnt seem to be any obvious specific reason for the breakup except that she was unsure about our future together. When I asked her about how she sees "us" in the future she said she "wasnt optimistic". We hugged and cried as we said goodbye (I havent cried like that in a long time). As we hugged she said "I love you so much". I kissed her on the head, jumped in my car and drove to work. I initiated NC for me from that time on. The issue is that I cant seem to maintain NC. She contacts me daily like we are still a couple. She texts me often (most of which I ignore, the others I reply politely but curtly to). She called me and left a message last night asking me to call her because she had "something we needed to discuss". I didnt call her back, but she called again. She brought up some trivial issue regarding our cell phones that we were disconnecting. It was an issue that didnt really require us to talk, so Im thinking shes just calling to maintain contact. She asked how I was, and said she missed me ( I said I missed her too, but feel that was a mistake). She talked about how her summer job was going (she works for her family business during the summer). I listened politely and in the end just ended with, a "good night". The thing is, I dont want to be her security. I told her before this happened that I was not going to be her friend after this. I either want her to commit fully to us, or to get on her with her life as I get on with mine. I do not want to let her have her cake and eat it too. This is a little bit about her: The Good: She is a supportive and wonderfuly generous. She will do anything to help me when I need it and is always "on my side". She is ambitious, smart and is at her best when life throws you a few curves. She is a beautiful person both inside and out. She makes me feel like I can accomplish anything. The Bad: If I could sum up her character in one word, it would be indecisive. This is something that she mentioned to me about herself when we first started to date. I never imagined that it would be to the extent that it is. She cannot decide about her career, where she wants to live, go to school and ultimately our relationship. She also had an email fling with a guy that she met through her sister in law that I found out about. She only admitted it when I confronted her with the fact that I read her email because I was suspicious. I do beleive that all it was was flirtation and nothing actually happened between them based on the emails. Still, this absolutely ruined my trust in her, and I noticed unconsciencely I havent looked at her the same since. During the time that this was going on, I was always buying her flowers and wine on her favorite day of the week (Thursday) and it eats me up that she was doing this while I was jumping through hoops to make our relationship stronger. I havent said all of this to her (although I have said alot), but Im wondering what do you think I should do with regards to contact right now? She calls and texts often, but Im not sure what her angle is. I dont get from her that she is closing the door on this relationship. I just dont want to play second fiddle and be here for her as her fall-back guy. I would want to give it another chance but only if she was willing to make the commitment she couldnt before. I DONT want to be her friend and someone she calls as she starts to date other guys. I dont need/want to hear about it. I dont want to shut the door on our relationship either b/c I do still love her. I will never initiate contact with her first, but I am wondering if you guys think it would be a good idea to tell her to not contact me until she is ready to commit to us (and maybe see a relationship counselor regarding the emails she sent/received as that burns me up). I want to do whats best for me right now, and want your objectivity
minimee Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 WOW, you sound really put together!!! You reasons are absoulely right...the only thing I can think of..since I am going through a similiar situation with my LTBF is that maybe she wanted security of a marriage proposal..You said you were dating for 5 years and you are both in your 30's maybe she was just fed up waiting for you to want to take the relationship to the next level......... Were you comfortable with the way things were???? maybe this is a wake up call to you and fight for your lady Good luck
chris1063 Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 I totally know what you are going through right now. I have been broken up with my ex for about 3 months and had NC until she contacted me out of the blue earlier this week. Who instigated the split ? If it was her I would say don't reply to any texts, emails or any communication of any kind that she sends. Seems to me as though the indecisive thing is the reason this as happened as she doesn't seem to know whether she wants to be with you or not. Somebody else advised me to make myself "emotionally unavailable" and I think that's what you need to do. Tell her you don't want her to contact you anymore. Let her stew for a while. If she then decides that she's made a mistake she'll soon let you know if she's ready to talk seriously about things. Every time you reply to her you are showing her that you are on the end of the rope whenever she pulls it. Get on with your life the best you can and focus on what you are doing. You can accomplish anything for yourself without needing somebody else to make you feel as though you can do it. I think NC is definately your friend on this one. Just my thoughts anyway !! Good Luck Chris
Author ameshal Posted May 13, 2005 Author Posted May 13, 2005 Thanks Chris, I read your post about your situation and I do sympathise. In many ways I have made myself emotionally unavailable to her. Im sure she detects the fact that I speak to her differently now, and that I am far harder to get ahold of. I think I will take your advice and not respond to any text messages/emails/phone calls. The breakup was her idea not mine. Having said that, I feel like since she made the decision, she should have to live with the consequences...not me. I am getting on with my life. I am hitting the gym every day after work, I amd seeing alot more of friends and family. Alot of people actually do the NC thing with the hopes that it will make the other person miss them. Although this can be a result, I think that NC is great as a way of doing some introspection since you have the time. Now is the time to reflect on what happened and to look at the relationship in a more balanced light. Use the NC time to see what was wrong in the relationship as well as what was right, and to use the time to do things that we always wanted to, but didnt have the time for previously. Personally, even though I still love her and dont want to shut the door on "what may be", I truthfully dont know if I will accept her if she does decide she wants to come back. There is sense of liberation that accompanies the grief when you try and look at your relationship with objectivity. Time will tell, but I intend to use every minute of that time catering to number 1. Thats me ! Ash
Author ameshal Posted May 15, 2005 Author Posted May 15, 2005 Originally posted by minimee WOW, you sound really put together!!! You reasons are absoulely right...the only thing I can think of..since I am going through a similiar situation with my LTBF is that maybe she wanted security of a marriage proposal..You said you were dating for 5 years and you are both in your 30's maybe she was just fed up waiting for you to want to take the relationship to the next level......... Were you comfortable with the way things were???? maybe this is a wake up call to you and fight for your lady Good luck Minimee, Thanks for your reply. I wish that is all it was. I would have proposed to her a long time ago, if I wasnt certain that she would have said no. At no point in our relationship did she ever give me the feeling that she was as certain about us as I was. I never asked because I knew that wasnt something she wanted. I gave my all in this relationship, and let on more than once that I was ready to take it to the next level. You have never seen someone so quick to change the subject, as when I started to discuss "us" and our future together. In fact, it was during these times that I was talking about "us" and our future together that she was having the email "fling" with the other guy. Thats why I truly feel the ball is in her court with regards to us. If she wants to get back together then she knows that this time, its for good. I want someone who is with me w/o reservation or doubt and is interested in ONLY me. I deserve that because thats also what I give. If thats not what she wants, then I wish the best for her, but I have to look out for me. Thats why I cant contact her, and thats why I'm hadling this breakup the only way I know how to. By not contacting her, every day the pain for me fades a little more. Regarding your situation, did you leave your LTBF? Was the reason what you mentioned about not getting a marriage proposal? How long has it been for you apart now? I hope you are doing well, and look forward to hearing your story. Ash
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