Blanco Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I'm 30 and single. I ended a three-year relationship earlier this year, meaning I had last been single at age 26. If I'm being honest with myself, I wasted a LOT of time in a relationship that wasn't a good fit for me. In retrospect, I feel like she had unfinished business from her previous relationship. She had two young children from this relationship and had been engaged. (She proposed) I was her first serious relationship after only five or six months after she had left this relationship. I didn't think anything of it initially, since I truthfully went in thinking it would just be a casual thing that burned out in a few months. That obviously didn't happen and looking back, I stayed way longer than I would've if I'd had stronger boundaries. But I didn't, and because I grew to adore her children and I thought MAYBE the relationship had potential, I stayed through a lot of stuff that would've sent others packing. We lived together for half of the relationship, and most of that time wasn't good. I remember talking to my brother a few weeks before I left for good and he expressed genuine anger with me for being in a relationship that he felt I had settled for. And he was blunt: You aren't old, but you aren't getting younger. At that point, he was right. I cared about her and her children, but after three years, I knew that I wasn't really living my life. I was living HER life. I knew I probably wanted a kid of my own; she felt like she was content with the two she had. I felt like I eventually wanted to get married (not necessarily to her, just in general); she didn't care either way, in part because she already had kids. It hurt to admit it, but it dawned on me that she was living the life that she wanted irregardless of me. I was just along for the ride. To add insult to injury, I had come to feel like she didn't much respect me. Many women would be eternally grateful to be with a good guy who accepted her children as his own. As it was, she seemed to just take it for granted; I didn't even feel like I got the bare minimum appreciation you'd show the co-biological parent. So here I am, eight months later. I've spent this time rebuilding. Got back in shape after putting on a LOT of weight while we lived together. Trying to fix the major flaws I brought to the relationship. Trying to make myself into the type of person I want to date and eventually be in a relationship with. I don't worry about being alone, but I do think some women have it easier at this age. My ex is very attractive, so she had no trouble finding a rebound a few weeks after I left. And she's had no trouble finding a new exclusive relationship, as she's been with a VERY recently divorced older man for six months. It's been a bitter pill to swallow, since he makes more in a year than I think she or I make in five years. He's got a prestigious position at his work. And he's EAGER to prove his worth to her, I would assume because divorce is just a bruising experience to the ego. As for me, I'm only now getting a point where I feel comfortable with the idea of dating. I'd felt for a while after the BU that I didn't really want to be with her anymore, but I knew I wasn't healed; to an extent, I'm still not, but I'm in much better place than I was. Point is, I don't feel like a leftover. I'm a good looking guy, can support myself, run my own small business, and am a loyal partner (never even came close to cheating on anyone). But because I stayed in the wrong relationship for too long in my late 20s, I guess some would see me, learn my age, and wonder, "Well, what's WRONG with him?" But I'll admit, put in the same spot, society has conditioned us to a point where I would probably think the same thing initially. 2
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 And I think from past posts on here, some people got their first relationship when they were over 30
scooby-philly Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Okay, Back story. I'm now 34 (two months ago or so) I didn't date really seriously in HS or college - was a nerd, wasn't athletic and had personality & self-esteem issues. I graduated at 22 and went into the seminary. Stayed till I was 28 & left because the voice (and gut) were telling me I wanted a family way too loud for me to ignore. I didn't have much dating experience therefore. After a few misses ended up with my first real relationship at 30. Stayed 2 years. She broke the engagement just days off before the wedding. In retrospect I'm happy it ended - she was more concerned with what people thought and didn't seem to have any idea what she wanted out of life. Went about a year with just some casual stuff, one went to about 10 dates....then I met someone. It was crazy from day 1 and I ignored my gut, my head, and even my family all because I was afraid of being alone. That said, I believe you can meet someone at any age....we all just have to recognize what life does to us and be true to ourselves.
RightThere Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I'm 38 and divorced (which a child), so I should be the bottom of the barrel in the dating world. However met the greatest women (who is a couple years older than me) and things are going great. It is definitely possible. I just made sure when I saw what I wanted, I went after it full throttle. No playing games or holding back. 2
bluefeather Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I'm 38 and divorced (which a child), so I should be the bottom of the barrel in the dating world. However met the greatest women (who is a couple years older than me) and things are going great. It is definitely possible. I just made sure when I saw what I wanted, I went after it full throttle. No playing games or holding back. Thank you SO much for chiming in! Not only did you give a positive story for the OP, but your signature finally reminded me of a quote by the same person that I have been trying to remember for years..! “All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.” - Oscar Wilde FINALLY 2
Imajerk17 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 (edited) Always seek to improve oneself and rise to new standards throughout life. Like attracts like. This is one reason people usually find better relationships as they get older: self improvement. Yes. And this is why, getting back to the OP's topic, that she is actually has an ADVANTAGE being over 30. Women over 30 are wiser, a lot more mature and responsible, and a lot less flakey* than they were when they were younger. That makes them more appealing to a lot of men. And they are as much fun and they look just as good, if not better, than their younger counterparts. Anyway, those attributes are quite attractive to the men you are looking for, men who have their act together and want someone they are attracted to who has her act together as well. MOST younger women in their 20s aren't in a place to offer the men they date this, all this talk by some guys on here about their Magic Pixie Dream Girl notwithstanding. *That doesn't mean that older women are easier to get though. I think it is actually the opposite. They require attraction, just as their younger counterparts do. But, as they see their male contemporaries grow up and mature, women, as they mature, expect both attraction AND maturity from the men they date, a lot more so than younger women seem to. The bar keeps getting raised. Edited September 9, 2015 by Imajerk17 5
Buddhist Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 *That doesn't mean that older women are easier to get though. I think it is actually the opposite. They require attraction, just as their younger counterparts do. But, as they see their male contemporaries grow up and mature, women, as they mature, expect both attraction AND maturity from the men they date, a lot more so than younger women seem to. The bar keeps getting raised. Yes this. After 40 I got a lot pickier. If I was going to do 'relationship' then it had to be worth my time and energy. If a guy's just immature and wants to test his own ego, pass. I don't mind someone less sexually experienced, earning less than me (lets be fair I've been in the workforce 25yrs), but he does have to have personal responsibility, goals that he's working on etc. Can't tell you how often I've been approached by a man-child looking for a replacement mom. No thanks, go and play with the other kiddies until you grow up. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Yes this. After 40 I got a lot pickier. If I was going to do 'relationship' then it had to be worth my time and energy. This is why I never quite get why people assume that those dating after 30 are "settling". I think most of us are single because we haven't settled for just anybody who would do. We'd rather be single and happy than stuck in some mediocre relationship just for the sake of not being single. 3
Ami1uwant Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I'm 38 and divorced (which a child), so I should be the bottom of the barrel in the dating world. However met the greatest women (who is a couple years older than me) and things are going great. It is definitely possible. I just made sure when I saw what I wanted, I went after it full throttle. No playing games or holding back. You met a 40+ yr old women who supposedly has little chance to get married (better shot with lighting) according to Newsweek story from 29 or so years ago. Maybe she was more desperate
neowulf Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 This is why I never quite get why people assume that those dating after 30 are "settling". I think most of us are single because we haven't settled for just anybody who would do. We'd rather be single and happy than stuck in some mediocre relationship just for the sake of not being single. I think once you get over the "fear" of being alone, you suddenly realise that a relationship isn't going to "fix" your life, or solve all your problems. Sure, being in *good* relationships is wonderful. I think it's great having someone to share your life with. That said, less than great relationships are a burden. They can be tedious, toxic and suck the life clean out of you. Those kinds of relationship aren't better than being single. A big part of it all is just overcoming the conditioning that tells you "I am single, therefore I am some how less". 8
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Okay, Back story. I'm now 34 (two months ago or so) I didn't date really seriously in HS or college - was a nerd, wasn't athletic and had personality & self-esteem issues. I graduated at 22 and went into the seminary. Stayed till I was 28 & left because the voice (and gut) were telling me I wanted a family way too loud for me to ignore. I didn't have much dating experience therefore. After a few misses ended up with my first real relationship at 30. Stayed 2 years. She broke the engagement just days off before the wedding. In retrospect I'm happy it ended - she was more concerned with what people thought and didn't seem to have any idea what she wanted out of life. Went about a year with just some casual stuff, one went to about 10 dates....then I met someone. It was crazy from day 1 and I ignored my gut, my head, and even my family all because I was afraid of being alone. That said, I believe you can meet someone at any age....we all just have to recognize what life does to us and be true to ourselves. First real one as in how?
mortensorchid Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I also feel like you do. I'm 40 and I had someone call me an old maid when I was 30. I'm like "old maid"?! Old maids are virginal twinks thank you very much!
travelbug1996 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I got married and fell in love couple times after my divorce over the age of 30.:lmao:
Leigh 87 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I don't think being over 30 is that much worse. End of the day, finding love is just plain hard. For everyone. I've seen people find love after 30. I've seen 20s women single. Relationships with passion and compatability are darn hard.... Why does age have to make such a massive impact? People divorce. Half the people do. I can see how some divorcees may never want to marry again. Perhaps they are scarred for life from their first marriage.
RightThere Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 You met a 40+ yr old women who supposedly has little chance to get married (better shot with lighting) according to Newsweek story from 29 or so years ago. Maybe she was more desperate Nope. We were just waiting to meet each other. And now we did. 1
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I don't think being over 30 is that much worse. End of the day, finding love is just plain hard. For everyone. I've seen people find love after 30. I've seen 20s women single. Relationships with passion and compatability are darn hard.... Why does age have to make such a massive impact? People divorce. Half the people do. I can see how some divorcees may never want to marry again. Perhaps they are scarred for life from their first marriage. 20's seems to be the decade people date and have relationships the most mkre than any other decade
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 So you think that's true? People date, have relationships in their 20's more than any other decade of their life
losangelena Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 So you think that's true? People date, have relationships in their 20's more than any other decade of their life I'm not finding that to be the case. I didn't start dating until I was 33. I've definitely played catch up, having missed the boat in my 20s. Maybe 15 or 20+ years ago it was more expected that people would get married young. That was just kind of "what you did," socially. Women's roles especially have changed, and a lot of them are delaying marriage and families until after they've had career success. FWIW, most of my friends (pretty much all within their late-20s to early-40s) are single and dating and looking. If anything, it makes sense to wait a bit longer and be choosey; that societal pressure that says, "you gotta settle down, kid," is no longer there, so people may be waiting longer, but they're probably making better decisions. BAJ, you are so hung up on the age thing. Why?
xxoo Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 So you think that's true? People date, have relationships in their 20's more than any other decade of their life Not at all. Most people probably spend more time single in their 20s, finding lasting partners in 30s and beyond.
edgygirl Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 Where? I live in NY where most professionals are in their late 30s early 40s and most people are single and dating like crazy. People don't get numb to love just because they get older. Love can be found in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and even 80s. I just saw an article on The Guardian of a recently married couple, she in her 80s him in his 90s. 20's seems to be the decade people date and have relationships the most mkre than any other decade
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 I'm not finding that to be the case. I didn't start dating until I was 33. I've definitely played catch up, having missed the boat in my 20s. Maybe 15 or 20+ years ago it was more expected that people would get married young. That was just kind of "what you did," socially. Women's roles especially have changed, and a lot of them are delaying marriage and families until after they've had career success. FWIW, most of my friends (pretty much all within their late-20s to early-40s) are single and dating and looking. If anything, it makes sense to wait a bit longer and be choosey; that societal pressure that says, "you gotta settle down, kid," is no longer there, so people may be waiting longer, but they're probably making better decisions. BAJ, you are so hung up on the age thing. Why? I guess because most couples I see out there in public look to be in their 20's
xxoo Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 I guess because most couples I see out there in public look to be in their 20's That might reflect the places you go. I'm in my 40s, and I see plenty of couples my age with kids, reflecting the places I go. Try open house at an elementary school, and you'll see hundreds of couples in their 30s and 40s
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 (edited) That might reflect the places you go. I'm in my 40s, and I see plenty of couples my age with kids, reflecting the places I go. Try open house at an elementary school, and you'll see hundreds of couples in their 30s and 40s I mean like couples without kids, and most women I see that have a boyfriend look young and youthful, same thing as men with girlfriends Edited September 21, 2015 by BronzeAgeJaeger217
losangelena Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I mean like couples without kids, and most women I see that have a boyfriend look young and youthful, same thing as men with girlfriends What pool are you looking at? I mean, where are you, physically? How does this account for people who are divorced, or widowed? Your scope seems so narrow. How did you get to these generalizations on relationships? 1
xxoo Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I mean like couples without kids, and most women I see that have a boyfriend look young and youthful, same thing as men with girlfriends Well, of course, most couples are dragging kids around in our 30s and 40s. You seem to have a narrow view of dating and relationships. You probably just don't notice the older people in relationships because they aren't your personal focus.
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