lovesfool Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Is there any reason to worry when a boyfriend takes forever to reply to messages? I am seeing a guy that I can talk to for hours in person, but when it comes to texting he is just really poor at replying. I would message him, and I know he has read it because it says so on whatsapp but he doesn't reply for hours. And the worst thing is that I see that he has been online a number of times in that space of time so it isn't a case that he was too busy if he finds the time to check his phone every 10 minutes. I've said it to him before, but he just tells me he's bad at texting and doesn't like it. I know whenever I get a text from him, I am quick to read and can't wait to reply. If he doesn't have the same motivation, is it a bad sign?
losangelena Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Not necessarily. I know a lot of people will jump on this and say, "he's not that into you," but I tend to disagree. Maybe its because I also am dating a bad texter, so I don't think much of it anymore. Listen. I think as a whole we put WAY TOO MUCH relational weight on texting. A guy can ask us out and pay for dinners and bring us flowers and make us feel special, but if he doesn't text, UH-OH. If he's communicative and consistent across all other aspects of your relationship, then I would honestly let the texting go. If he doesn't text AND is flakey in other ways, then that's maybe more a sign of fading interest, but if it's JUST that he's a bad texter, then he's a bad texter. I love this article: Good Texters are Bad Boyfriends - Bad Text Messagers Are Good Boyfriends 4
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 I think a lot of it depends on what your texts consist of. I'm a woman, but for what it's worth, I'm not one to keep up a conversation through text. I generally only use it to convey information (ex. a meeting time or place) or touch base briefly. I also work a lot and usually simply cannot reply right away after I read a message. I have friends who use texting differently, often sending multiple messages that are nice but not particularly important. (ie something funny they saw, how they're having a bad hair day, etc) I don't tend to respond to those right away as I don't have time to engage in longer conversations. I prefer to speak on the phone or in person. What type of messages are you sending your boyfriend? 1
casey.lives Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Im like that i don't like texting. It is a poor substitute for talking 2
Author lovesfool Posted September 6, 2015 Author Posted September 6, 2015 I think a lot of it depends on what your texts consist of. I'm a woman, but for what it's worth, I'm not one to keep up a conversation through text. I generally only use it to convey information (ex. a meeting time or place) or touch base briefly. I also work a lot and usually simply cannot reply right away after I read a message. I have friends who use texting differently, often sending multiple messages that are nice but not particularly important. (ie something funny they saw, how they're having a bad hair day, etc) I don't tend to respond to those right away as I don't have time to engage in longer conversations. I prefer to speak on the phone or in person. What type of messages are you sending your boyfriend? I would prefer to talk to him in person, but it's not possible all of the time. That's why I text him. I think I feel like I should text him because I feel guilty if I go a whole day without talking to him in some way. Maybe my messages come across as being a bit forced, I don't know. My messages would be the usual "how was your day" and "what are you doing". But I always end every message with a question, because I like to show interest in my partner. But when he doesn't reply it feels awful
losangelena Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Do you tell him how sh*tty it makes you feel when he doesn't get back to you? Does he still not answer? If that's the case, I think that's a slightly different story.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Do you tell him how sh*tty it makes you feel when he doesn't get back to you? Does he still not answer? If that's the case, I think that's a slightly different story. Agreed. OP, have you talked to him about it?
catlady11 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Has he always been a bad texter? If he started out in the beginning replying right away but then slacked off and lost interest I'd be concerned but if he's always been like this it's just how he is and nothing to be worried about IMO.
smackie9 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 You are dating the wrong guy. This is an expectation of yours that isn't being fulfilled....that is a compatibility issue. You want attention, and he isn't giving it to you the way you expect it. You need to find a different guy, a guy that enjoys flirting and communicating with you through text, and whatnot. Am I right? Please don't try to change him, exchange him for someone else.
Author lovesfool Posted September 6, 2015 Author Posted September 6, 2015 Has he always been a bad texter? If he started out in the beginning replying right away but then slacked off and lost interest I'd be concerned but if he's always been like this it's just how he is and nothing to be worried about IMO. He has always been like this. When he does reply, he does make the effort and writes a long text, but I'm always left wondering when that will be. You are dating the wrong guy. This is an expectation of yours that isn't being fulfilled....that is a compatibility issue. You want attention, and he isn't giving it to you the way you expect it. You need to find a different guy, a guy that enjoys flirting and communicating with you through text, and whatnot. Am I right? Please don't try to change him, exchange him for someone else. Is that a real reason to dump someone, because they are bad at texting? I thought I was being silly even thinking that it is a problem in our relationship, but to let him go completely because of it seems extreme!
Vintage79 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 I agree with a lot of the posters here - if everything else is good, who cares? I'm not a good texter, some times I reply right away, other times the next day...it depends on content, mood, etc., paired with a view of texting being a bad form of communication, so it's not prioritized. If you start pestering him about his texting, it will likely come off as clingy and needy (which is likely true of you, OP, given your claim of constantly needing to be in contact with him)...which will likely drive him away. OP - figure out if shallow, useless communication (I.e. Texting) is a deal breaker for you - if yes, leave...he likely won't change for the long haul and attempting to change him will tend to drive him away. You are in a situation that you have to deal with or join the singles circuit...I'm hoping you realize that texting isn't a big deal, as everything else sounds good... 2
losangelena Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Is that a real reason to dump someone, because they are bad at texting? I thought I was being silly even thinking that it is a problem in our relationship, but to let him go completely because of it seems extreme! I think that's what you need to figure out. Smackie has a point—that if you want/need a certain level of communication/closeness in your relationship, and more prompt texting will help you achieve that, then yes it's important. Is texting in and of itself so crucial? I personally don't think so. My guy has never been great at texting either, and I too went through a phase of "does this mean he doesn't care?" But I had to take my eyes off of what he WASN'T doing (great texting) and look instead at all the ways he DID (and does) show his care, and most of it doesn't revolve around the phone. It was an adjustment for me, but I'm glad I stuck around. I think though, bottom line, is that whether he changes his texting pattern or not, it's important that he know how his lack of timely communication makes you feel.
losangelena Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Also, I want to add: I had a lot more anxiety over when and how I'd hear from my BF at times that I felt uncertain about the relationship. In my mind, I thought that a text from him would signify that everything was OK, so I'd wait and wait and be anxious until I heard from him, and then I'd feel better for a little while. When things are good, I find that I really feel the need to hear from him when we're not together. When things feel secure, my desire or need for communication go way down. I don't know if you're experiencing that dynamic at all, but that's how it goes for me.
Author lovesfool Posted September 6, 2015 Author Posted September 6, 2015 When things are good, I find that I really feel the need to hear from him when we're not together. When things feel secure, my desire or need for communication go way down. Do you mean when things are bad you need to hear from him?
Versacehottie Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 What losangelena says above ^^^^ totally makes sense. You've gotten a lot of good advice here. Don't put so much emphasis on the texting IF everything else is good. Some guys are just terrible at texting and some girls think it's far too important and representative of the entire relationship. You probably know the real answer in context. If he's "changed", I'd be worried. Otherwise not so much. If it's a dealbreaker for you to have that sort of contact all the time, then do what you have to do but realize you might miss out on some great guys. Good luck
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Also OP, how long have you been dating? And how are things otherwise?
casey.lives Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 If this is your husband and not a mere boyfriend ... CALL HIM!! texting is rather childish and game-y , in my opinion.
Author lovesfool Posted September 6, 2015 Author Posted September 6, 2015 Also OP, how long have you been dating? And how are things otherwise? We were dating for about a year, but the relationship ended when he went to work abroad for a year. He's back home again and we're trying to pick up where we left off. He was like this when we we first started dating as well. It just confuses me that if someone is really into you, wouldn't they want to reply to you as soon as possible once they see the message? He sees my messages and just ignores it until he feels like replying. It seems very strange to me. Why do some men behave this way?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 We were dating for about a year, but the relationship ended when he went to work abroad for a year. He's back home again and we're trying to pick up where we left off. He was like this when we we first started dating as well. It just confuses me that if someone is really into you, wouldn't they want to reply to you as soon as possible once they see the message? He sees my messages and just ignores it until he feels like replying. It seems very strange to me. Why do some men behave this way? Does he initiate contact anyways? Maybe in the form of a phone call, or a message here and there. If he's not initiating and you find it's usually you reaching you, I would take a step back and consider whether this is a compatible match for you.
joseb Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 OP, it's odd that you are making this an issue now after you have spent so much time together already. If he was like this from the start, surely the early stages were the time to either say something or accept it. 1
smackie9 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 He has always been like this. When he does reply, he does make the effort and writes a long text, but I'm always left wondering when that will be. Is that a real reason to dump someone, because they are bad at texting? I thought I was being silly even thinking that it is a problem in our relationship, but to let him go completely because of it seems extreme! You misunderstood my post, it's not about "texting" it's about his interest level in giving you attention. In time, as the honeymoon period ends the issue exasperates. You are sitting there thinking he doesn't care enough, or he's not feeling the same way you feel about him. It's leaving you feeling flat. Not a good way to feel in a new relationship already. If you feel moving on is extreme, then you are just going to have to suck it up and accept it.
fitnessfan365 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 It doesn't matter how great things are in person when you're dating someone. Texting frequency, response time, what you say, etc can still cause unnecessary drama. I wish more people would follow the movie/TV model of phone communication. Texting is used for quick notes/logistics and characters talk on the phone. My advice OP? Focus on how good things are in person. In the end, you're not dating your phone. One thing I will say is that guys tend to base response time on how important the text is. For example. If my GF asks me a question, or wants to expand on plans, I'll respond relatively soon. However, if it's the generic cutesy emoji flirty text, or saying hi to ask about my day, I respond when I feel like it. Those aren't urgent type messages. So be honest w-yourself on the type of texts you're sending. If they're pretty generic which women usually send most of the time, it doesn't require an immediate response IMO. 2
Versacehottie Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 It doesn't matter how great things are in person when you're dating someone. Texting frequency, response time, what you say, etc can still cause unnecessary drama. I wish more people would follow the movie/TV model of phone communication. Texting is used for quick notes/logistics and characters talk on the phone. My advice OP? Focus on how good things are in person. In the end, you're not dating your phone. One thing I will say is that guys tend to base response time on how important the text is. For example. If my GF asks me a question, or wants to expand on plans, I'll respond relatively soon. However, if it's the generic cutesy emoji flirty text, or saying hi to ask about my day, I respond when I feel like it. Those aren't urgent type messages. So be honest w-yourself on the type of texts you're sending. If they're pretty generic which women usually send most of the time, it doesn't require an immediate response IMO. Yep, what ff said. This matches what I know. Guys are not by nature mulit-taskers and are more responsive to deadlines, ie about plans or a direct question. Random stuff that does not require an answer thus sometimes will not get an answer. They are incredibly succinct. It's quite amazing and aggravating at the same time. 1
joseb Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Yep, what ff said. This matches what I know. Guys are not by nature mulit-taskers and are more responsive to deadlines, ie about plans or a direct question. Random stuff that does not require an answer thus sometimes will not get an answer. They are incredibly succinct. It's quite amazing and aggravating at the same time. LOL! It's equally as amazing to us that women would expect an immediate answer to something trivial that obviously doesn't need one! 2
Versacehottie Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 LOL! It's equally as amazing to us that women would expect an immediate answer to something trivial that obviously doesn't need one! ohhhh i know. It's amazing truly. And yes we are practically impossible to figure out. There is much hidden and highly important meaning in those trivial texts and even if there wasn't, when you don't answer right away or aren't perfectly involved in a response that shows effort (smileys don't count!!!), it will become something to wonder about. 1
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