Blazing to burn out (very short relationship)

[hoyasaxa]

Hi all,

 

I decided to join to get some feedback on this (albeit) short term relationship I'm currently hung up on. BLUF: I came on strong and scared her off, what should I do?

 

Background: we had a connection from the start. She contacted me immediately after the first date saying she wanted to do it again. We met for lunch in the middle of the week, and spent all day together the following weekend and slept together. We both agreed that while we hadn't planned on sleeping together so soon, it was fun and to continue. Meanwhile, she'd text everyday to see how I was doing, tell me about her work/life/family and ask the same about my life. We spent almost an entire week at each other's place, and the sex was great but we never had that dreaded talk about where this is going, fine by me. She and I both have very demanding jobs with a lot of travel but for the month of August, our schedules were relatively empty hence spending a lot of time together. By the fourth week of knowing each other and enjoying each other's company, she became ill and contact kind of dropped off. I respected her space but when she said she went home from work early one day I took it upon myself to get her a get-well care package. It was a nice gesture and she was receptive to it. Well later that week, she was leaving town and when she got back, I'd be on business for 2 weeks so I told her I'd like to see her before she left. She said she had a lot on her plate but she'd let me know. I get a text later saying she was exhausted, so I asked if that meant a "no" to hanging out watching our favorite show together and a massage. She replied that it was tempting, so I told her I'd be over in 20-25 minutes. I got to her place and ran in to her roommates on the street. They know me as we've chatted on several occasions so they let me in and I went up to her room and knocked on the door. She was sleeping but woke on my second knock. I guess she was a little shocked that I was there, but I went in and explained why I was there- her trip and my trip to which she replied she'd still be here when I got back. Kissed her good night and left. I get a text the next day before she got on the plane for her trip saying she was sorry that there appeared to be a miscommunication the previous night but that it was a little much showing up at her door like that. She continued that she thinks we're on different tracks and wished me safe travels and maybe we could hang out as friends when we were both back. I was a bit confused at first, and was originally going to institute NC for a bit but my pride/ego got the better of me and I shot back a text the following day along the lines of how I wasn't sorry that I showed up to her place just to have sex. I continued that there may have been some signs that could be interpreted as a step towards something more serious but that I didn't think either of us wanted that. I closed with let me know if you still want to have fun. After that I went NC and have remained in that status.

 

I know showing up "unannounced" can be much, but there was precedence set the week prior when a text thread went down in a similar fashion and she was ecstatic that I showed up. Furthermore, I realize that in the month and a half of knowing her, we were still in our honeymoon phase but they weren't without small disagreements. She's a feminist and while I respect that about her, we have differing opinions on women serving in combat units (not getting into this.) That said, I respect her position and think it brought some healthy debate to the relationship. Of course I regret sending that text message but I can't take back what was said. I could apologize for it entirely (because I didn't really mean the coming over just for sex part) but I think I'd lose her respect for being wishy-washy since we're both Type A personalities. I've had the urge to reach out but my friends and my more rational side say to wait a little longer before I do. She's spent the last two weekends with friends so there's been a nice distraction for her whereas I've been on business so I have a lot of downtime in the evenings and the weekends to internalize and reflect.

 

My question is it worth trying to reconcile/reach out once I've come back to town and let her (perceived) anger subside? I hate to be the hopeless romantic but she was different from my past relationships where a woman would say she thought we were on different paths and I got over it quickly. My hunch is that since she's spent time with friends, she hasn't had time to sit down and go over it herself and I'm hoping that she reaches out first, but I will reach out if need be because I don't want things to end how they did between us and I think we had the potential to develop something more. If you've read this far, thank you.

 

Edit: for the strict NC folks, we never friended each other on any social media and our social circles are completely separate so there's no temptation to check in on each other. This is good and bad at the same time.

Edited September 6, 2015 by hoyasaxa
added info

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree that you shouldn't have gone over to her house with a direct invitation. She clearly told you she had a lot on her plate and would let you know. You pressed it and then went ahead and did what you wanted anyway. I wouldn't have been too thrilled about that either, if I were her. It doesn't matter if once before you did this and she was happy. This time she was clear that she would get back to you. But what's done is done.

 

If I understand correctly, you actually said in your text that you came over just for sex? Bad move. It sounds disrespectful and a bit aggressive, even if you didn't mean it.

 

If you want to try to salvage this, you could send her a message. Let her know you never intended to upset her and that you would like the opportunity to make amends. Invite her to meet for coffee or something neutral, with zero sexual undertones. Understand that she might be open to hanging out, but that doesn't mean she will want to be more than friends again. She may have already been thinking that before you went to her house anyway. But, I do believe it's worth a shot if you really like her.

[hoyasaxa]

Reached out for coffee and haven't heard anything back for over a day. So she's either still upset with me or she's moved on (or playing games). Sadly this means a reset to the NC clock but at least I can begin to move forward or try to at least.