what am I doing?

[jrzgrl]

Here's my story:

I have been married for 22 years. My husband is 16 years older than me, and we have 4 kids. Last year, I had to take a job 500 miles away. My hubby and kids stayed behind to sell the house and for his work, school, etc.

For the first time in many years, I was alone and independent. I didn't have anyone controlling me. I hadn't realized how much husband controlled me. He treated me like a child. We hadn't had sex or any kind if intimacy in years! We never did anything as a couple, it was always with all of our kids. He told me I was a wife and mother and no longer myself.

While I was away, I ran into my old boyfriend from high school who was now divorced. We began an affair. We realized we still loved each other.

Problem is, boyfriend is into kinky lifestyle and wants many subs. He also lives 500 miles away, is on probation and cannot leave the state, and can be emotionally abusive to me. However, for the first time in a long time, I am having great sex, touching, and intimacy.

Boyfriend is open about other lovers, but I get jealous. We fight and he refuses to talk to me for days. Then he will contact me when he needs some thing done (I'm helping him with his bills, bankruptcy, legal issues, etc)

Part of me knows he is using me, but I am just so lonely in my marriage.

Hubby and kids are now living with Me since we got rid of our house back north, but I still have feelings for boyfriend

I am so confused!!

[Marc878]

You have no future with the loser BF. With his track record that's perfectly clear.

 

There is no excuse for cheating. This was all on you. If the marriage was that bad why'd you stay in it?

 

At some point you will have to deal with your husband and children.

 

Sounds like you have some very difficult times ahead. I hope you're prepared for it.

 

If you're looking for approval to your actions I'm sure you'll get some but it won't change the facts much.

 

Jeeze !!!!!!!

[latinmex]

Here's my story:

for the first time in a long time, I am having great sex, touching, and intimacy.

Boyfriend is open about other lovers, but I get jealous. We fight and he refuses to talk to me for days. Then he will contact me when he needs some thing done (I'm helping him with his bills, bankruptcy, legal issues, etc)

Part of me knows he is using me, but I am just so lonely in my marriage.

 

So what looks here is that you are paying to him for sex

 

I am so confused!!

 

Confused??? in what, You don´t see, He just want you for sex and to take care of all his financial problems.

PLEASE OPEN YOUR EYES

[Try]

For the first time in many years, I was alone and independent. I didn't have anyone controlling me. I hadn't realized how much husband controlled me.

You did not "realized how much husband controlled" you until now because you were not in the affair fog until now. Part of the affair fog is to rationalize your cheating by looking back on your marriage and falsely finding reasons to blame your spouse for the affair. This is called blame shifting and is right out of the standard cheaters script. The real issue is that you and your husband decided on having 4 children and they are at an age that puts a lot of stress on most marriages. You and your husband have also made decisions to prioritize what is in the best interest of your children over prioritizing each other, this is also common at this stage of being parents. It is unfair for you to blame your husband for these decisions because you had a hand in making them. When you moved 500 miles away from your husband and 4 children, you got a taste at being single again and it was fun and different, but would your life have really been better if you had been single with no children?

 

While I was away, I ran into my old boyfriend from high school who was now divorced. We began an affair. We realized we still loved each other.

Again, you are in an affair fog, because otherwise you would realize that your boyfriend does not love you. Once you are out of the affair fog, you would also realize that with real life in the picture, that you do not really love your boyfriend.

 

The affair fog is caused by the cocaine like brain drugs naturally produced in a new romantic relationship. You are addicted to these brain drugs, and like an addict you are sacrificing your real life in pursuit of it. One day you will wake up and see the boyfriend for the loser that he clearly is, but by then you would have destroyed your family.

Edited September 6, 2015 by Try

[anika99]

While I don't doubt that there were issues in your marriage prior to your affair you seem to blame your husband for the life you have chosen. You went away by yourself, got a taste of absolute freedom and now you resent your husband for expecting you to be a wife and mother. Having 4 kids to raise is a huge responsibility and a lot of work. Raising kids is hard, it's not sexy and romantic and titillating, but why blame your husband for that? I think you want escape your responsibilities and live some fantasy life in your head. That is not your husbands fault.

 

You are helping your lowlife abusive loser BF with his bills? That is really concerning. Are you rich? Are you taking hard earned money away from your marriage and family to help this scummy sounding guy? I think you know this guy doesn't love you and will never be with you. You know he is a manipulative user and yet you are risking your whole family for him. Why? I'm sure you don't even know why. Get yourself to counselling ASAP

[anika99]

Oh and if you think being a wife is such an unfair burden just tell your husband that you are cheating on him and giving away family funds to the guy you're messing with. I'm sure your husband will unburden you of your nasty wife status and then you will just be a single mother to 4 kids which I'm sure your BF will find very attractive. It will be so fun raising 4 kids all by yourself while your sexy BF is 500 miles away, screwing countless women, only remembering to call you when he needs some money

[MrBojangles]

For the first time in many years, I was alone and independent.

 

1. I didn't have anyone controlling me.

 

2. I hadn't realized how much husband controlled me.

 

3. He treated me like a child.

 

4. We hadn't had sex or any kind if intimacy in years!

 

5. We never did anything as a couple, it was always with all of our kids.

 

6. He told me I was a wife and mother and no longer myself.

 

 

The above is just an excuse after the fact to justify your affair.

 

If it was really bad enough that it caused you to cheat on your husband, then why not try marriage counseling or ask your husband for a divorce?

 

The above is the best you could come up with after the fact.

 

 

1. While I was away, I ran into my old boyfriend from high school who was now divorced.

 

2. We began an affair. We realized we still loved each other.

 

3. Problem is, boyfriend is into kinky lifestyle and wants many subs.

 

4. He also lives 500 miles away, is on probation and cannot leave the state, and can be emotionally abusive to me.

 

5. However, for the first time in a long time, I am having great sex, touching, and intimacy.

 

6. Boyfriend is open about other lovers, but I get jealous.

 

7. We fight and he refuses to talk to me for days.

 

8. Then he will contact me when he needs some thing done (I'm helping him with his bills, bankruptcy, legal issues, etc)

 

9. Part of me knows he is using me, but I am just so lonely in my marriage.

 

10. Hubby and kids are now living with Me since we got rid of our house back north, but I still have feelings for boyfriend

 

 

Do you really see a future with this man? Really?

 

Are you so desperate for sex and intimacy that you would compromise your marriage and family unit for this "winner" of a guy?

 

This man you've chosen to cheat with loves you so much, that he maintains a harem of women willing to play his twisted games, and you are just ONE of them to him!

 

This man see you as a payday, and as a play toy.

 

If you want to see him dump you in a heartbeat, leave your husband to be with him full time.

[Itwasntme]

just leave your husband and go be with the boyfriend I don't see the problem. Only reason you're staying with your husband is because you can't have the OM. And how you make your husband sound, he's a Terrible man who I guess deserves to be cheated since you all don't have sex , he treats you like a child and controls you(which I don't think you all even really talk about). So why not just leave him I'm sure if he loves the kids enough he will take full custody if you don't want it or at least half and help you out with them.

 

I don't believe in people staying in a marriage where the other spouse or you just don't want to be in, just let it go and see if you're happier with the OM. I'm sure your husband will get over eventually right?

[ShatteredLady]

Oh please READ your post! Even if everything negative you say about your husband is VERY true. EVEN if he's more controlling & abusive than you're letting on he's still 100x better than this other guy. What was he in prison for? Would you seriously ever want that man in the same vicinity as your children? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

 

I'm a mother. READ your post! You're choosing a life that makes you the kind of person I wouldn't want around my kids! Why are you interested in this CRIMINAL deviant? I'm completely against cheating in any way, under ANY circumstances but this is terrible!! Get that 'man' out of your life. Think long & hard about your marriage. Get some therapy. Have long talks. If you still want out of your marriage get a divorce. Focus on your children & setting up a new home for them with shared custody. You will then have every-other weekend to date. KEEP MEN AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN (particularly with your 'taste' in men!) that's good advice for all newly divorced parents.

 

You are a MOTHER!

 

Please wake-up!

[Babs22]

We realized we still loved each other.

Problem is, boyfriend is into kinky lifestyle and wants many subs. He also lives 500 miles away, is on probation and cannot leave the state, and can be emotionally abusive to me. However, for the first time in a long time, I am having great sex, touching, and intimacy.

Boyfriend is open about other lovers, but I get jealous. We fight and he refuses to talk to me for days. Then he will contact me when he needs some thing done (I'm helping him with his bills, bankruptcy, legal issues, etc)

Part of me knows he is using me, but I am just so lonely in my marriage.

 

jrzgrl, Your relationship with your husband may be a mess, but this new ex-boyfriend of yours is no prize. I think you were so desperate for intimacy that you took the first opportunity you had. This isn't love and he is definitely using you. You may think you are in love with this person, but he definitely is not in love with you. Look at the words I put in bold above, read what you write about how this boyfriend treats you. Why is this ok? I think you need to stop seeing this boyfriend and go back and decide what to do about your H. Perhaps if things are so bad that this guy looks good, you should get a divorce. Not having intimacy is a problem for most people, but why did you choose a guy on probation, with multiple sexual partners and with bankruptcy issues? Would you allow this person to be around your children? You have put yourself at risk for STD's. Please get tested and rethink your relationship.

[m.snow]

relationship with husband wont get better as he goes older. his libido will continue to drop.

 

thats one disadvantage of marrying a partner who is significantly older than you.

 

but the problem is see there is that your having an affair, with a criminal who also cheats with you.

 

seriously downgrading much.

[Sassy Girl]

Wait wait wait...

 

Your husband was controlling so you started an affair with an abusive Dom??? Umm what??

 

You're making absolutely no sense. And shockingly destructive choices - not just for your family, but your own well-being.Something is broken in you.

 

You need counselling pronto.

[ShatteredLady]

I've written about our old neighbor & friend a few times. His exW got into a submissive relationship with a Dom (Very shady past including prison), sex slave, rules drawn-up & posted in the house etc.

 

Temporary Ruling - The judge ruled that the 3 children could never be alone with him in the house.

 

Permanent ruling - She completely lost custody of her children. She can now have supervised visitation once every 2 weeks.

 

She is no longer in contact with the boyfriend. He moved on with younger subs. For the stability of the children the court ruling has remained the same. She now has severe mental issues & her health has been effected by STDs.

 

I just wanted to give you an example of what the future may hold for you!

 

PLEASE wake-up before your whole world starts to collapse around you.

 

You don't need to talk about this on a public forum but what has happened in your childhood/early life, that draws you to dominating, abusive relationships? Therapy could really help you understand all of this. For the sake of your children PLEASE think about what you're doing & STOP! The choices you now make will not only effect the rest of YOUR life, they will seriously effect your kids mental well being & future.

 

PLEASE STOP DOING THIS!!!

[Andy L]

Here's my story:

I have been married for 22 years. ... 4 kids.

We hadn't had sex or any kind if intimacy in years!

 

He also lives 500 miles away, is on probation...

However, for the first time in a long time, I am having great sex...

 

Hubby and kids are now living with me..

I am so confused!!

 

Don't you feel sad for your husband & family?

Does your hubby know it (the affair)?

 

Has he ever cheated on you?

[Popsicle]

Did you have a question besides "What am I doing?"

I think you already know that you're having an A and that it's wrong.

Is there something else you want to know?

[m.snow]

Did you have a question besides "What am I doing?"

I think you already know that you're having an A and that it's wrong.

Is there something else you want to know?

 

maybe shes wants to know if she is having an affair with the wrong person.

 

if thats the case sure you in love with the wrong person, fact your om is abusive and has a criminal record.

[Dwade]

So you make excuses to cheat rather than tell your husband about your problems. You could idk, COMMUNICATE to your husband about said problems and how you hate him treating you like a child. Well, you are acting childish so I can see why so either ignore the boyfriend, divorce your husband for this clown, or let your husband decide. Good luck tho lol. It is not hard to stay faithful and if a partner is disrespecting you leave their ass and take your life back.

Edited September 7, 2015 by Dwade

[fellini]

In a marriage, people do not control us. That is what they do in Guantanamo Prison to terrorists. That is what people who abduct and imprison do.

 

IN a marriage one person can take on the role of the controller, but ONLY IF the other person AGREES and takes on the role of being controlled.

 

Before you blame ALL your issues with "how much your H was controlling you" ask yourself "how much you allowed your H to control you" and how much of it is just you creating further controls anticipating and thus avoiding issues.

 

If your husband is physically abusing you, that would make sense, you have the legal and moral ground to claim victim, but if not, if you really think you had nothing to do with this "unspoken" marital dynamic, you are kidding yourself.

[HurtOfGlass]

Here's my story:

I have been married for 22 years. My husband is 16 years older than me, and we have 4 kids. Last year, I had to take a job 500 miles away. My hubby and kids stayed behind to sell the house and for his work, school, etc.

For the first time in many years, I was alone and independent. I didn't have anyone controlling me. I hadn't realized how much husband controlled me. He treated me like a child.

 

Seems like a contradiction. A controlling husband who treats his wife like a child lets her take a job 500 miles away that will uproot the whole family and end the husband's career?

 

I don't think so.

 

This is a marital history rewrite I think.

[Try]

Seems like a contradiction. A controlling husband who treats his wife like a child lets her take a job 500 miles away that will uproot the whole family and end the husband's career?

 

I don't think so.

 

This is a marital history rewrite I think.

Good catch.

[Mr. Lucky]

We hadn't had sex or any kind if intimacy in years! ...We began an affair. We realized we still loved each other.

Problem is, boyfriend is into kinky lifestyle and wants many subs. He also lives 500 miles away, is on probation and cannot leave the state, and can be emotionally abusive to me.

 

No sex for years and then jumps from marriage into a BDSM relationship with an abusive ex-con?

 

Have to question this one...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I think the OP should return here and share the story of how she just happened to run into her old boyfriend.

 

I'm thinking - grocery carts at the end of adjacent aisles.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Oh and if you think being a wife is such an unfair burden just tell your husband that you are cheating on him and giving away family funds to the guy you're messing with. I'm sure your husband will unburden you of your nasty wife status and then you will just be a single mother to 4 kids which I'm sure your BF will find very attractive. It will be so fun raising 4 kids all by yourself while your sexy BF is 500 miles away, screwing countless women, only remembering to call you when he needs some money

 

Okay, I get the angry, I sincerely do, but hang on anika99, she said she was helping him with things yes, but I don't see her saying anywhere that she is spending marital funds in quantity to do so, steady on. If I'm wrong of course I humbly apologise.

 

Sometimes we are far too quick to jump on people here without giving them the respect and dignity with which we would like to be treated ourselves, in spite of some of our idiotic behaviours.

 

Sometimes a step back and a breath gives us time to respond without automatic responses if that makes sense, don't you think? I hope this doesn't appear offensive, it's certainly not intended.

 

I agree that the OP has, as you rightly point out, created this mire and as many before, moulded the situation to suit herself by making the age old excuse, 'I'm in a ****ty marriage/don't receive what I need from my husband/been in the marriage so long I've 'lost my identity' sort of thing, yes?

 

OP, no matter what you think/feel, you have a responsibility to your family, who are unaware of your dillusional activities (for that's what they really are, aren't they? You are already aware that the man you regard as your 'saviour' from your distorted assessment of your married life is no hero and blatantly using you for his own selfish and twisted gain), and I'm sure if you actually faced the consequences of your behaviour and viewed it through your children's eyes, (ages irrelevant, believe me), you would be simply horrified.

 

Keep that 500 distance between you and your 'nephilim' and stop engaging him would be the shrewdest move, and tell your husband what's happened so that you give him back a little of his dignity to decide for himself what he'd like to do. Don't deny your family the right to choose. You made choices in which they had no say, now you need to own their cruelty and unfairness.

 

Good luck.

 

Cuckoo

[Try]

hang on anika99, she said she was helping him with things yes, but I don't see her saying anywhere that she is spending marital funds in quantity to do so, steady on. If I'm wrong of course I humbly apologise.

In post #1 of this thread the OP stated "I'm helping him with his bills".

[Try]

Sometimes we are far too quick to jump on people here without giving them the respect and dignity with which we would like to be treated ourselves

OP, no matter what you think/feel, you have a responsibility to your family, who are unaware of your dillusional activities (for that's what they really are, aren't they?

First you say that we should give the OP "the respect and dignity with which we would like to be treated ourselves", and then in the very same post you talk to the OP about the OP's "dillusional activities (for that's what they really are, aren't they?)". I never thought that calling someone delusional (correct spelling) was respectful LOL.