Author Scops Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 No, I'm talking about when we were actually together in our twenties not the time when we talked online. I think you're misunderstanding me. I don't like thinking about her past but I'm worried about her being "pure." I feel if had a past as well I wouldn't be so worried about hers. I meant to say I am not worried about her being "pure"
Author Scops Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 Scops, first of all, CONGRATS on losing 30 kilos! That's a real feat and one I hope you're rightly proud of. I'll also say that for me, your post illustrates a sincerity and a level of self-honesty that are not only rare, but also make me think you're going to be just fine. It seems as though you could use a little help building your self-image and self-esteem. If you are able to do so, I would urge you to consider seeing a therapist to help you out as you work through some of this stuff. A trusted professional would be so much better than a bunch of anonymous (and admittedly novice) strangers on the internet. I say this because: 1) everyone can use a therapeutic "tune up" from time to time, and it sounds like you're open to working on yourself so find the best professional out there, and; 2) often a lack of sex in a relationship can be a symptom of larger self-image issues. That, plus your reported weight problem in the past makes me think perhaps your self-image hasn't yet caught up to your new size. Still, OP, I applaud you on making these changes in your life. Keep working on it, and in time these insecurities will be a distant memory. Thanks for the advise, maybe I should go and speak to a therapist. I'm glad that you and others have responded because I've been wanting to get some of this off my chest for a while now and even just talking about it here has helped a little. 1
autumnnight Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 I feel if had a past as well I wouldn't be so worried about hers. This is what I think the core is. And you don't need some men's forum that will tell you what a 'ho she is to fix that. I think some loving talks through it and realizing that your pasts may be different but your future can be the same. And if it really is something you can't get past, then obviously she isn't for you, no matter how you profess to love her.
GunslingerRoland Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Seems like such a pointless regret. She lived a normal life as a young woman, having relationships and sex. Why would you hold that against her? You've been together 5 years already... What do you think is going to happen if you break up... you're getting to an age, where you're going to meet women who've not just dated/had sex with guys before. But may have lived with guys, been married to guys, had kids with guys. You need to figure out how to get over your petty jealousy NOW. What a stupid thing to consider ending a great relationship over.
Discjockey80 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Op, tell me if I'm wrong here...but being as I am a man who understand these emotions....I have one question. How long has the sex not been good for you? Because...underneath all these issues for most guys is that when they feel this anxiety about 'pasts' and 'experience' levels its their minds instinctual way of telling them there is more to be had out of sex but she isn't cutting it. It's also your mind prodding you to take action to see that it becomes better. How ever that needs to be done. Do you have that throw down, rough, sweaty, dirty talk 'porn type' sex now and then? Or is it mostly mechanical -or- otherwise soft and gentle sweet love making? Maybe its the former and you want more of that latter. I dunno which but I can tell you that YOU my friend are yearning for something more. Handle it like an adult...however that need be.
Discjockey80 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Seems like such a pointless regret. She lived a normal life as a young woman, having relationships and sex. Why would you hold that against her? You've been together 5 years already... What do you think is going to happen if you break up... you're getting to an age, where you're going to meet women who've not just dated/had sex with guys before. But may have lived with guys, been married to guys, had kids with guys. You need to figure out how to get over your petty jealousy NOW. What a stupid thing to consider ending a great relationship over. Well, actually its not. She is in danger of him cheating sooner or later for better sex. And I kid you not, he may tell himself he wont but the right situation and right person and it will happen. They need to f*&k more often and learn to do it better with each other. Vary the styles, the emotional intensity, atmosphere, etc. Also work on the bond and emotional connection...but most important IS the sex. It will help deepen that bond and emotional tie.
Author Scops Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 Op, tell me if I'm wrong here...but being as I am a man who understand these emotions....I have one question. How long has the sex not been good for you? Because...underneath all these issues for most guys is that when they feel this anxiety about 'pasts' and 'experience' levels its their minds instinctual way of telling them there is more to be had out of sex but she isn't cutting it. It's also your mind prodding you to take action to see that it becomes better. How ever that needs to be done. Do you have that throw down, rough, sweaty, dirty talk 'porn type' sex now and then? Or is it mostly mechanical -or- otherwise soft and gentle sweet love making? Maybe its the former and you want more of that latter. I dunno which but I can tell you that YOU my friend are yearning for something more. Handle it like an adult...however that need be. It's become very mechanical. It was great at the start, but probably the last 2 or so years have been the worst. It's gotten to a point where I feel like I'm just hassling her for sex and doesn't feel like she ever really wants to do it. I do romantic things, I try suduce her, but she always gets blunt and to the point saying, she doesn't want to do it tonight. It make me feel undesired and unwanted. I've tried talking to her about it but nothing seems to change. Then I start thinking about her past and the things she's told me she's done and, to me, it feels as though she's done with all that and is just happy doing the bare minimum with me now. This, I guess, is what really makes me envious of her past and fills me with regret about mine because I don't want my sex life to be this dull at my age or ever. I suppose I feel if I had a past maybe this situation would be something I could work through easier or maybe not, I'm not sure.
SSJROMANCE Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 It's become very mechanical. It was great at the start, but probably the last 2 or so years have been the worst. It's gotten to a point where I feel like I'm just hassling her for sex and doesn't feel like she ever really wants to do it. I do romantic things, I try suduce her, but she always gets blunt and to the point saying, she doesn't want to do it tonight. It make me feel undesired and unwanted. I've tried talking to her about it but nothing seems to change. Then I start thinking about her past and the things she's told me she's done and, to me, it feels as though she's done with all that and is just happy doing the bare minimum with me now. This, I guess, is what really makes me envious of her past and fills me with regret about mine because I don't want my sex life to be this dull at my age or ever. I suppose I feel if I had a past maybe this situation would be something I could work through easier or maybe not, I'm not sure. I get you 100%. I was in the same position as you except in my case my wife had lied to me about her past. Years later after we were married is when I busted her and found out all the little dirty secrets that she had been hiding for years. She had been with many partners and I only a couple. I was in long term relationships and she was not (except one). Sex to me should be sacred. It's an intimate bond between two people who deeply love each other. If you give that away for free what else do you have left to share with the one you love? So I think you feel the same way. It's a special intimate act between two people - she's been there before and you haven't. I get that. In a way you are jealous that she got to experience that with other guys and for you she is the first one (or so). Seeing her with another guy is painful. I think you are correct in that if you HAD experienced this like she had you wouldn't be so hung up on it. All these feelings you have doesn't make you wrong. I would suggest counseling and see if that helps. It didn't for me so I wish you luck. If it doesn't help you and her may have problems for years and it will start to destroy your relationship. You need to talk to her about your feelings. What you need is a deeper bond with her than any other guy has ever had. You need to try things she has never done before - in the bedroom and out. You need to be the first on a lot of things. If she is unwilling to do this then you need to let her go. Now is the time to do it before marriage and kids.
Discjockey80 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 (edited) It's become very mechanical. It was great at the start, but probably the last 2 or so years have been the worst. It's gotten to a point where I feel like I'm just hassling her for sex and doesn't feel like she ever really wants to do it. I do romantic things, I try suduce her, but she always gets blunt and to the point saying, she doesn't want to do it tonight. It make me feel undesired and unwanted. I've tried talking to her about it but nothing seems to change. Then I start thinking about her past and the things she's told me she's done and, to me, it feels as though she's done with all that and is just happy doing the bare minimum with me now. This, I guess, is what really makes me envious of her past and fills me with regret about mine because I don't want my sex life to be this dull at my age or ever. I suppose I feel if I had a past maybe this situation would be something I could work through easier or maybe not, I'm not sure. Yep...figured this was the case. You both need to work on this and she needs to know your marriage is in danger. The thing is...many women have little to know idea how to really reach a mans 'heart'. They think they do but it all comes via their own perspective that they project onto men. For many men...deep, wild uninhibited sexuality combined with feeling lusted after is what really opens up a mans heart. Edited September 12, 2015 by Discjockey80 More explanation.
Bufo Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Get this resolved in your own head or you will be playing reruns in your head for a long time. I never had "the talk" with my wife of about 30 years. She didn't ask me so I didn't ask her. But she did confess early on that she had been an OW to a MM. I didn't ask her enough questions like how long had it been over before she met me, who ended it and how, why she got into that relationship, what she got out if it, how did it start. It's too late to bring up those issues now. Her confession did delay me asking to marry her and reading some posts here are still a trigger of sorts to me. Like you, this happens when she didn't "owe" anything to me. So rationally I know it doesn't matter. But even now I wish I had dug deeper with her then when I had the chance. Time alone helps cure. But it doesn't erase what happened way back when. Get the issue resolved between the two of you.
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