why do men do this?

[Lois_Griffin]

Here's the thing. If you invited him to dinner, you were being 'too eager and too available.'

 

Yet, if you didn't, you'd be getting lectured on how you're supposed to be also initiating invitations/dates and it's no fair to make HIM do all the asking.

 

You won't win here.

 

I see nothing wrong with trying to reciprocate by offering to cook him dinner when he said he had no plans for the evening. I don't think it was desperate and I don't think it made you look too available. It made you look thoughtful and kind, is all.

 

Maybe he did think it was too much all at once. That just means he's emotionally stunted and probably wasn't a good bet anyway.

 

It's also possible something 'shinier' caught his attention. People nowadays have such a candy-store mentality when it comes to dating - afraid to make a purchase because they might lose out on the shinier thing just around the corner on the next shelf.

 

NEXT!

[RedRobin]

I second the opinion that you need to ditch with the texting. It's like when the waiter comes over to put cheese on your salad at Olive Garden... it leaves the impression of 'service', when it is anything but. People text to save time. You don't need to make it easy for a guy to juggle you and however many other options he might have.

 

 

OP, I tell men I meet that I don't do texting for getting to know people... that I use my phone for work and that texting is for emergencies.

 

 

That eliminates, oh, about 3/4 of the flakes and not sure... Plus I use Google voice. They don't get my real number for quite awhile, and if they want to burn up my phone with texts (or try to), it's going there... not directly to my cell. Really solved a lot of problems for me.

 

 

I also don't kiss on a first date. A first date from OLD is a first meeting, with a complete stranger. If you aren't treating them like they are a complete stranger, who has to earn your trust, then that might be the problem.

 

 

Man or woman... that would be my advice if you are looking for a relationship. I dunno about this 'man likes a challenge' thing. Noone likes to feel they are being 'tested' just because. I treat the men I meet no differently than when I'd meet any new person. If romantic feelings develop, is because I've gotten to know him. Not because of anything he did on a first meeting or even handful of meetings.

 

 

You don't have to do things the way I do, but it sure made OLD a lot less annoying for me. OTOH, you'll have to get used to not getting as much 'worthless' attention. Which is fine with me. I want attention that is genuine...

[Versacehottie]

oh I thought of something else in regards to what you've mentioned on your thread. Don't waste your time or effort speculating about what's going on with a guy. It will just lead you to making excuses for him and being over-eager to please and compromising what is "right" and ironically does not endear you to the guy you like. You need to have a firm set of standards of what makes you happy and what you find acceptable and then see if he measures up. When you don't do the work for them AND they are interested, they step up.

[rainrhonda]

I blocked him from texting. If he wanted to see me today, he would have wrote back by now, and if he still wants to then he can call. I can't handle feeling so happy then hurt 3 days later. So if he wanted me now, he has work to do, but thats not gonna happen because he has made up his mind, obviously. I am so depressed today that I cant even get off the couch. Because of things like this I am never going to find someone and I almost 40 years old, and still can't do anything right and still not good enough for anyone. This dating stuff isnt fun, its heart breaking.

[Versacehottie]

awww I'm sorry. Just hang in there. Be sad, mad for a day or two and then get back on it. It does you no good to think all men suck or that somethings wrong with you. When you're ready, I would recommend taking a really hard and honest look at your approach.

 

Like the dinner thing (ok it was after the fact but still let's talk about the offer itself). That says to me you are trying to "prove" to him what a good girlfriend you'd be and it also is a glimpse into what a settled down life would be with you. All too much up front. Guys and some girls are very nervous of committing to a relationship where it will be boring and routine. It's too much too soon. I know you said now that you didn't mean to do it but that would be something to strike from future dating scenarios in the beginning. Let them set the pace. Don't go faster than they are going. And see if they measure up to what you want. You should be so discriminating. Hang in there

[rainrhonda]

awww I'm sorry. Just hang in there. Be sad, mad for a day or two and then get back on it. It does you no good to think all men suck or that somethings wrong with you. When you're ready, I would recommend taking a really hard and honest look at your approach.

 

Like the dinner thing (ok it was after the fact but still let's talk about the offer itself). That says to me you are trying to "prove" to him what a good girlfriend you'd be and it also is a glimpse into what a settled down life would be with you. All too much up front. Guys and some girls are very nervous of committing to a relationship where it will be boring and routine. It's too much too soon. I know you said now that you didn't mean to do it but that would be something to strike from future dating scenarios in the beginning. Let them set the pace. Don't go faster than they are going. And see if they measure up to what you want. You should be so discriminating. Hang in there

 

I wouldnt disagree if that is too much too soon, but one bad mistake has to cost everything? How am I supposed to date without constant fear that I will screw up and lose it all, if this is all it takes to get hurt? There is always room for more mistakes even if you learn from others. So I'm just gonna get hurt for every slip up...I can't do that anymore.

[Zippy2000]

I ll have that honest conversation with you. I did this when I was younger but I no longer do this to my dates as I found it very fustrating and rude people to ghost or do the slow fade.

 

Im a man and you see the thing about men is we can be physically attracted to you. That`s how we can make out with you but that`s where it all ends. Physical attraction and nothing more.

 

Women need to learn that us men can be attracted to you visually but our hearts or love isnt there.

 

Remember men can have causual sex and not be emotionally attached such as there is attraction but not love.

 

We have to have both attraction and love at the same time before we make an effort with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldnt disagree if that is too much too soon, but one bad mistake has to cost everything? How am I supposed to date without constant fear that I will screw up and lose it all, if this is all it takes to get hurt? There is always room for more mistakes even if you learn from others. So I'm just gonna get hurt for every slip up...I can't do that anymore.

 

Honestly, it wasn't that bad. He could've simply declined if he felt it was a bit too much for one weekend. It certainly didn't need to be a deal-breaker.

 

This is how you will be ale to distinguish the men with sincere and serious intentions from the flakes. A stand-up guy would've at least had the courtesy to reply to you, even if he couldn't make it.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself, friend.

[katiegrl]

I wouldnt disagree if that is too much too soon,

 

 

***but one bad mistake has to cost everything?****

 

 

 

How am I supposed to date without constant fear that I will screw up and lose it all, if this is all it takes to get hurt? There is always room for more mistakes even if you learn from others. So I'm just gonna get hurt for every slip up...I can't do that anymore.

 

Sweetie, no one mistake should not cost *everything,* however in your case you did not have *everything* in fact you really had *nothing* ..... except two dates. Which in the grand scheme of life, really is nothing.

 

I think you need to introspect a bit and try to figure why it is you got (get?) so invested in a man and potential relationship after only two dates.

 

I don't know if your depression now is the result of this one incident or a combination of things going on on your life ....but if it IS based on this one incident, something is terribly wrong and you might want to consider seeking some professional help, because your reaction is not typical.

 

Feelings can change on a dime in these VERY early stages...hell I know people who have lost total interest because they didn't like their date's shoes! As silly as that sounds ....but that is reality.

 

That is why you simply cannot allow yourself to get too attached or invested this early on.

 

If you can learn to detach a bit, NOT to the point of being cold and distant, but just managing your emotions so as to not get too carried away....I think you will enjoy dating a lot better ...and even if a man loses interest, you won't keep getting your heart broken and fall into a depression.

 

Also, even though you try to disguise your emotions, men can SENSE when a woman is too invested too soon, and it turns them off.

 

Which may have been what happened here, cause let's face it, if you are so depressed now that you cannot get off the couch, then you were WAY too invested, for only having had two dates.

 

Hugs.

[Versacehottie]

I wouldnt disagree if that is too much too soon, but one bad mistake has to cost everything? How am I supposed to date without constant fear that I will screw up and lose it all, if this is all it takes to get hurt? There is always room for more mistakes even if you learn from others. So I'm just gonna get hurt for every slip up...I can't do that anymore.

 

Well, yes and no. Because you even said yourself that you offered up the dinner AFTER texting him earlier to settle plans for today, if i understood that right. So NO it was not the ONE mistake that cost everything. It could have been the final straw that if he was on fence made him see that what he suspected was true: that you were way more invested than he was.

 

And Yes in that I'm fairly sure (because it is a very common problem) that the text earlier and dinner invite were symptomatic of the way you had been approaching him since the very first contact. Too accessible, too nice, too desperate. It's the accumulation of things in your attitude and approach that makes anyone decide about continuing or not to continue dating someone. That's why if you have the framework in place of what you are and what you want, you won't bend to the other person showing desperation and won't be upset that much if it doesn't work out.

 

For example, taking the dinner invite again. I do know some couples where they moved this fast and it was fine for them. Let's even say that it is a typical pattern for one of the partners at least. People with this thought pattern are NOT devastated when it doesn't work out. They don't see the dinner invite as a mistake because it is normal to them AND they want a guy that moves that fast. So if he doesn't accept, they think he's not for them and move on, without much thought. They are 100% comfortable with who they are and move onto the next guy who will be a fast mover. Granted most people don't operate like this so it's definitely a risk to be like this but if it is who they are, they make no excuses for it, nor try to change their behavior in order to find a boyfriend. They figure someone who couldn't do that is "not for them".

 

Turn the "speed" thing around or someone that comes on too strong or generally not reading clues accurately. How does that make you feel? Usually turns you off, right? You gotta give someone time and space to fall in like with you and then in love with you. Just because you think you know in a date or two, doesn't mean they worked up to that yet. Doesn't mean they won't, but likelihood goes down if you are pushing for it.

 

You have to worry less about "mistakes" if you take care more with the pace. Give what you are getting. No more. Take it for what it's worth. Observe. If it doesn't meet your standard, move on or pull back and see if they step up. You cannot be thinking about end goal:boyfriend, when the rest is not in place. Take it a step at a time. Don't jump ahead or rush it. Protect yourself more. Let them pin you down. You don't really have to worry about "mistakes" if your standards are firm and you go with the pace. There are plenty of people in relationships who did something stupid or have an unappealing quality or two. The difference is that they have the right or better approach to get into a relationship. I hope I'm making sense. I'm not sure I am today.

[rainrhonda]

All your opinions make sense. But its too late for it to help me at the moment, because I can't undo what I did wrong. Depression doesn't prevail from this one thing. I am depressed because, when I give guys a chance...they either treat me crappy so I dump them...Or, I find a very nice, interesting one that sets me on fire, then he loses interest. I have searched years for the perfect medium there, and it just doesn't exist. This was just my last straw. I know a good catch when I meet one. But I can't control if they feel that way about me. I get so tired of the advice "give nice guys a chance"....because I do. But nice guys hurt you just as much as "bad boys". Not intentionally, maybe, but they do. I am almost 40, never married and no kids. I used to think so what, I can still find a partner who makes me happy, marriage and kids aren't required. But, I can't even make that much happen. It's so heart breaking that even though all your advice is good, I am permanently scarred, and disappointed, and sad, and I am just ready to give up hope.

[katiegrl]

All your opinions make sense. But its too late for it to help me at the moment, because I can't undo what I did wrong. Depression doesn't prevail from this one thing. I am depressed because, when I give guys a chance...they either treat me crappy so I dump them...Or, I find a very nice, interesting one that sets me on fire, then he loses interest. I have searched years for the perfect medium there, and it just doesn't exist. This was just my last straw. I know a good catch when I meet one. But I can't control if they feel that way about me. I get so tired of the advice "give nice guys a chance"....because I do. But nice guys hurt you just as much as "bad boys". Not intentionally, maybe, but they do. I am almost 40, never married and no kids. I used to think so what, I can still find a partner who makes me happy, marriage and kids aren't required. But, I can't even make that much happen. It's so heart breaking that even though all your advice is good, I am permanently scarred, and disappointed, and sad, and I am just ready to give up hope.

 

((hugs))

 

Life does suck sometimes.

 

But the way I look at it, every hurt, every disappointment is an *opportunity in disguise*.

 

An opportunity to learn and grow from your mistakes, so eventually you WILL meet that one right man for you. So far, even though you thought this guy was special, he wasn't because clearly he wasn't right for you. So you pick yourself up and move on.

 

He IS out there, but if you don't introspect and take responsibility for your role in the demise of these potential relationships, you won't learn anything, and will continue making the same mistakes over and over.

 

Listen to Versacehottie, and others. And my post too.

 

Learn to detach a bit, not be so invested in the outcome....follow a man's lead, and in the very early stages, first few dates, let him come to you.

 

I was given that advice a very long time ago, and it has served me well, leading me to my current boyfriend....going on 5+ years now..

Edited September 6, 2015 by katiegrl

[smackie9]

So by any chance you have mentioned that you never had a real relationship before, just dates?

[rainrhonda]

So by any chance you have mentioned that you never had a real relationship before, just dates?

 

I have, its been a couple years, and a few before that, but all fairly short, 3 times I got burned by guys that were right out of divorce and a few months later decide they weren't ready. The only longer relationship was 3 years when I was much younger. Another time I was on/off with a guy for 5 years, because he just came and went in my life as he pleased. So I have always had pretty much nothing but heartache.

[katiegrl]

I have, its been a couple years, and a few before that, but all fairly short, 3 times I got burned by guys that were right out of divorce and a few months later decide they weren't ready. The only longer relationship was 3 years when I was much younger. Another time I was on/off with a guy for 5 years, because he just came and went in my life as he pleased. So I have always had pretty much nothing but heartache.

 

I'm sorry you got heartbroken, but this is what I meant by learning from mistakes, and taking responsibility for your own role in the demise .....and thus your own heartbreak.

 

"3 times burned by guys right out of divorce" - After the first time, you should have learned NOT to get involved with men right out of divorce. If you had, those two subsequent heartbreaks would never have happened.

 

"Another time on and off with guy for 5 years, because he just came and went in my life as he pleased" -- Well I am sorry but that heartbreak was on you for "allowing" him to come and go in your life as he pleased!

 

Why did YOU allow him to treat you that way? Could you not see how detrimental that was?

 

I am not saying this to be mean, only to open your eyes so you can see and understand how you yourself are contributing to your inability to find the relationship you say you want.

 

I am not suggesting these guys are good guys and aren't to blame, but this is not about them, it's about you ...and why you cannot find a good relationship.

 

That's all.....

 

Wish you the best and hope you feel better soon.....

[Versacehottie]

I am permanently scarred, and disappointed, and sad, and I am just ready to give up hope.

 

Well you have to change this thought right away! Without going too far into it, your belief system influences all the things that happen to you and the ways you act. That's why I cautioned earlier about thinking that "men suck"--if you believe that men are the opposition you will have problems with dating. Also if you believe that there is something "wrong" with you or that you have a major inherent flaw, you will desperately try to cling and overcompensate or conceal it to the point that they aren't getting the real you and will read as something off to them/no spark.

 

I know I'm making it sound like you won't even be able to take a step forward without being worried about making a mistake, but it really is a lot simpler (in some ways--I'm not saying it's easy to change your belief system). You can change your belief system by gathering evidence that refutes the negative beliefs you have. A very simple way, off the top of my head, is to read posts on this forum. You will see that many other women have dating experiences that don't go the way they want them to--so right there you will know you are not some anomaly. The point is if you really pay attention, read between the lines you will see a pattern emerging similar to what you are doing today (maybe it's just a bad day) where you have negative belief systems that will make the task of getting a boyfriend unsurmountable. You will also see their situations much less emotionally because they are not yours and you will be able to come up with some of your own standards (i hope) of what would be ok for you and what would not.

 

There is corresponding evidence right here of many guys who DO want a relationship. Pay attention to what sorts of things they say. Many times a day there are posts with similar enough stories to yours. Not as often as women but sometimes men will post answers which should give you great insight to how what you are doing or the other poster did was perceived from a guy's point of view. Joseb did it on your thread. I'm sure he was accurate in assessing your situation similarly to the way your date probably did.

 

The thing is sometimes you can do everything right and they will still disappear. Dating IS somewhat of a numbers game. BUT and this is a big one, we can only control our end of it and you CAN up your odds. As with everything in life, if you truly take responsibility (not the kind where you put yourself down and feel like everything is hopeless), you can change your results. Dating is communication which means getting your message across, clearly and accurately and in a manner where the other party is receptive to it. If you can believe one thing, believe that the "fixed" parts, ie who you are or who guys are in general is NOT flawed, but that your approach can be improved, it's much gentle, much more true and most importantly much more effective!!!!

 

Look around. I just saw 10 couples today on looks alone where I was like WTF, seriously the women were so less attractive than the guys, so what is it then? Study the real world and you will see that almost anything is possible. If you can do that and at least get back to a neutral outlook where you don't know what will happen but you can see that:

 

*yes, guys want relationships.

*yes, i can be a woman in one too just like all these other women because nothing is inherent wrong with me--in fact, I have a lot to offer to the right person who proves he is worthy of me.

 

You then will be on the right track. I've said this before, when you are getting dates, as you have been, the good news is that you are attractive physically to the guys who have asked you out. But if repeatedly they are not panning out, it would be crazy not to reconsider your approach. Guaranteed some people will tell you: there's nothing wrong with you, guys are just jerks!! Well how does that help? Really, moment of emotionally support and build negativity toward guys as a whole and convince that nothing was wrong with your approach. When you really think about it, if you are doing somewhat of the right dating things, some of these guys, even if you don't like them are gonna be stuck to you like glue, right? And you are getting your foot in door, so why have none of them panned out? Presumably there is a wide variety of personality types in that many dates where a handful would have been your type. So change your approach. Doing the same thing over and over is insanity.

 

Where it gets confusing is people will advise you well that's your personality so it will be right for someone. But really it's meshing personality and approach. For example, if you are really nice and sweet, that's good, but you don't just hand that quality off to just anyone. You make them earn it over time and reveal some of the more generous and giving parts of it when it is warranted not before.

 

Bottom line when you say things as you did in the quote above, there is no reason to change or presume change will help because you are attributing it to FIXED qualities. If you attribute the failures to flawed PROCESS, you can change your process to get good results. I feel like from your posts you are logical enough person that this will make sense to you. Incorporating into life is another thing. How hard are you willing to work? How positive can your outlook on life be? How entrenched are the negative thoughts? You can actually change things pretty quickly if you work on it. At least get to neutral and then start in dating world again from neutral and just take the information that comes to you from each dating interaction as feedback on how you've done getting your message across. With standards in place, even if a date doesn't turn into two, you will most likely be able to laugh it off because it is not what you wanted and/or you will learn something from it.

 

*ps yes two dates should not have you this upset. Was it even two or just one with another planned for today that he bailed on? I'm not saying this to point out what others have already told you or that you know, just to say that probably the assessment that joseb, myself and a few others (sorry I can't remember who) was correct in that you were too available, too desperate. I say that so that you will have a starting point of what to work on.

 

Ok, well we can help you figure stuff out along the way. Feel better. xo

[Versacehottie]

haha yes katie we are twinning today! some of the same wording.

 

and to OP, no victim mentality!!! I realize it may be a temporary state because of feeling down today. Some thinking like this will be more helpful to you:

 

"So the divorced guys weren't ready, the non-victim approach is good because I can't get what I want and need from a not ready guy! I'm upset with myself for not noticing more signs and sooner. I will make sure I find a way to cover myself next time (revealing myself more slowly, multidating, whatever). Guy in and out of my life for 5 years. Sh*t that's as much my fault as it is his. I'm pissed at myself that I wasted so much time but I learned something. He had a lot of the good qualities that I want which is one reason why I gave him so many chances (qualities I'd like to find in someone new) and I should notice that I have a lot to give if I were in a good relationship, I'd make an excellent gf and someone is going to see that. Next time I won't invest into what "could be", I will evaluate on what I am getting in much smaller chunks of time, like date by date to see if someone is worthy of being with me. One of the parts of my personality is along with my tendency to be nice, forgiving and open, people will take advantage of that if I let them. I have to make sure they know I'm not a pushover and will walk away if I'm not being treated well or getting what I want because ultimately I want a healthy LTR or husband."

 

See? Some thinking like that. And some constructive things on the actual details that will help you navigate your way through them when in them. But you have to reframe the experience in order to make it work for you now. There is no use and it is no help to be paralyzed or victimized by it.

[katiegrl]

haha yes katie we are twinning today! some of the same wording.

 

and to OP, no victim mentality!!! I realize it may be a temporary state because of feeling down today. Some thinking like this will be more helpful to you:

 

"So the divorced guys weren't ready, the non-victim approach is good because I can't get what I want and need from a not ready guy! I'm upset with myself for not noticing more signs and sooner. I will make sure I find a way to cover myself next time (revealing myself more slowly, multidating, whatever). Guy in and out of my life for 5 years. Sh*t that's as much my fault as it is his. I'm pissed at myself that I wasted so much time but I learned something. He had a lot of the good qualities that I want which is one reason why I gave him so many chances (qualities I'd like to find in someone new) and I should notice that I have a lot to give if I were in a good relationship, I'd make an excellent gf and someone is going to see that. Next time I won't invest into what "could be", I will evaluate on what I am getting in much smaller chunks of time, like date by date to see if someone is worthy of being with me. One of the parts of my personality is along with my tendency to be nice, forgiving and open, people will take advantage of that if I let them. I have to make sure they know I'm not a pushover and will walk away if I'm not being treated well or getting what I want because ultimately I want a healthy LTR or husband."

 

See? Some thinking like that. And some constructive things on the actual details that will help you navigate your way through them when in them. But you have to reframe the experience in order to make it work for you now. There is no use and it is no help to be paralyzed or victimized by it.

 

^^^^So much this!!

[rainrhonda]

haha yes katie we are twinning today! some of the same wording.

 

and to OP, no victim mentality!!! I realize it may be a temporary state because of feeling down today. Some thinking like this will be more helpful to you:

 

"So the divorced guys weren't ready, the non-victim approach is good because I can't get what I want and need from a not ready guy! I'm upset with myself for not noticing more signs and sooner. I will make sure I find a way to cover myself next time (revealing myself more slowly, multidating, whatever). Guy in and out of my life for 5 years. Sh*t that's as much my fault as it is his. I'm pissed at myself that I wasted so much time but I learned something. He had a lot of the good qualities that I want which is one reason why I gave him so many chances (qualities I'd like to find in someone new) and I should notice that I have a lot to give if I were in a good relationship, I'd make an excellent gf and someone is going to see that. Next time I won't invest into what "could be", I will evaluate on what I am getting in much smaller chunks of time, like date by date to see if someone is worthy of being with me. One of the parts of my personality is along with my tendency to be nice, forgiving and open, people will take advantage of that if I let them. I have to make sure they know I'm not a pushover and will walk away if I'm not being treated well or getting what I want because ultimately I want a healthy LTR or husband."

 

See? Some thinking like that. And some constructive things on the actual details that will help you navigate your way through them when in them. But you have to reframe the experience in order to make it work for you now. There is no use and it is no help to be paralyzed or victimized by it.

 

 

I never said this was all their faults and none of mine, someone asked about my experience so I gave the shortest version possible. I never said all guys are jerks, I dont even think that, and never said failed relationships were all because of them and never because of me. I'm sure I made mistakes back then too but I certainly don't remember every little thing that happened, I just remember getting hurt alot. If anything, I blame myself for every time something goes wrong and figure I am not good enough. I simply stated their apparent reasons for dumping me, if anything the real reasons were I am not good enough, not because I am a victim of anything. I have no hard feelings toward any guy from my past, except for one that was verbally abusive. Now then I was a victim but thats it.

[RoseVille]

I blocked him from texting. If he wanted to see me today, he would have wrote back by now, and if he still wants to then he can call. I can't handle feeling so happy then hurt 3 days later. So if he wanted me now, he has work to do, but thats not gonna happen because he has made up his mind, obviously. I am so depressed today that I cant even get off the couch. Because of things like this I am never going to find someone and I almost 40 years old, and still can't do anything right and still not good enough for anyone. This dating stuff isnt fun, its heart breaking.

 

This response isn't healthy or normal given the circumstances. Respectfully, it comes across as sad and desperate. It's only been two dates, and this post was like 24 hours of not hearing from him. You blocked him from texting you after not hearing from him after 24 hours? How do you block someone *only* from texting you, not calling you? Don't you block their number entirely?

 

Maybe something came up that distracted him from texting you back. You already had plans for the ballgame. Maybe he'd get back to you later. What if he texted you all gung-ho about the date, and never heard back because you'd blocked him?

 

I think that maybe your desperation is seeping through into your communications with these men. That's probably the common factor that's causing your repeated problems.

[brokengirl85]

No, don't block him.

Wait. Do other things.

Text him again in the next day's saying you're surprised he never got back to you.

 

Just wait. Don't react this quick

[Versacehottie]

I never said this was all their faults and none of mine, someone asked about my experience so I gave the shortest version possible. I never said all guys are jerks, I dont even think that, and never said failed relationships were all because of them and never because of me. I'm sure I made mistakes back then too but I certainly don't remember every little thing that happened, I just remember getting hurt alot. If anything, I blame myself for every time something goes wrong and figure I am not good enough. I simply stated their apparent reasons for dumping me, if anything the real reasons were I am not good enough, not because I am a victim of anything. I have no hard feelings toward any guy from my past, except for one that was verbally abusive. Now then I was a victim but thats it.

 

Listen, today is probably not best day to keep talking about this. Come back to read this when you are ready and you will see where I came up with the feeling that you had some of these belief systems and they were seeping into your actions within your dating. Quote from previous post:

 

 

All your opinions make sense. But its too late for it to help me at the moment, because I can't undo what I did wrong. Depression doesn't prevail from this one thing. I am depressed because, when I give guys a chance...they either treat me crappy so I dump them...Or, I find a very nice, interesting one that sets me on fire, then he loses interest. I have searched years for the perfect medium there, and it just doesn't exist. This was just my last straw. I know a good catch when I meet one. But I can't control if they feel that way about me. I get so tired of the advice "give nice guys a chance"....because I do. But nice guys hurt you just as much as "bad boys". Not intentionally, maybe, but they do. I am almost 40, never married and no kids. I used to think so what, I can still find a partner who makes me happy, marriage and kids aren't required. But, I can't even make that much happen. It's so heart breaking that even though all your advice is good, I am permanently scarred, and disappointed, and sad, and I am just ready to give up hope.

 

I didn't mean to imply that anything was ALL or NOTHING. It isn't. The only part you can control is your end, which is why thinking statements such as I've bolded above, even if you only feel them part way or some of the time is damaging and hurtful to your dating. The victim mentality that I'm speaking of is less literal than you are taking is to mean with being verbally abused by a past boyfriend. It's assuming that you are powerless or were powerless in these situations and did not gain from them. I think today is not the best day for you to keep seeing posts from me but I hope that when you are ready to start dating or thinking about it, that you will reread and can apply some of the things I'm talking about. They are only meant to help you and build you up from what is possible and what can be corrected not tear you down further. Good luck

[rainrhonda]

So he did finally text yesterday. But I avoided the phone all day. He asked if he did something wrong...so I explained I thought it was me. He thought I was mad at him, and of course I wasnt...we had a good chuckle about it...because we were both way off on what we thought was happening. So all is good. But now I know not to assume the worst.

I was in a bad relationship as I mentioned, he yelled at me for everything from one text too many to looking at him wrong...literally. He was like walking on broken glass. But I hung on too long hoping it would change. He really did make me believe that all I did really was in fact, wrong. I didn't think he was a bad guy. But I should have...and I really think it makes me too insecure sometimes now. I know for sure not all guys are like this...but I think it makes me edgy, and I haven't even seen him for a couple years now. Since then, with every guy I feel like Im going to get scolded any minute...then relieved when I don't, but still think its coming eventually... what I want to work on is figuring out how to make that go away.

[Frank2thepoint]

I was in a bad relationship as I mentioned, he yelled at me for everything from one text too many to looking at him wrong...literally. He was like walking on broken glass. But I hung on too long hoping it would change. He really did make me believe that all I did really was in fact, wrong. I didn't think he was a bad guy. But I should have...and I really think it makes me too insecure sometimes now. I know for sure not all guys are like this...but I think it makes me edgy, and I haven't even seen him for a couple years now. Since then, with every guy I feel like Im going to get scolded any minute...then relieved when I don't, but still think its coming eventually... what I want to work on is figuring out how to make that go away.

 

Simple, just stop comparing the men you meet to your ex. This guy, and any other guy you meet, is not your ex. Sure they may have similarities, such as they have a penis and they fart, but that's really all it is. Nevertheless, you are still holding onto a past hurt to the point that it is affecting your ability to be in love and happy with someone new. You just have to start by not building up your walls. Think of it like starting to exercise for the first time. It seems daunting at first, but once you dedicate time to it, you get a rhythm going, and it becomes a habit.

[rainrhonda]

Simple, just stop comparing the men you meet to your ex. This guy, and any other guy you meet, is not your ex. Sure they may have similarities, such as they have a penis and they fart, but that's really all it is. Nevertheless, you are still holding onto a past hurt to the point that it is affecting your ability to be in love and happy with someone new. You just have to start by not building up your walls. Think of it like starting to exercise for the first time. It seems daunting at first, but once you dedicate time to it, you get a rhythm going, and it becomes a habit.

 

Well if ever compare its usually thinking "wow this guy is much nicer!"...haha...but being yelled at was a routine thing that I was used to and expected back then...so its like a matter of shaking off an old routine, I guess. Because I definitely don't this guy is anything like that one. Its trying to grip the fact that I am not that girl anymore...the one in a very hurtful relationship....I am not there anymore and have to keep telling myself that or it will be bad for me if I don't.