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Letting go

Popsicle

By Popsicle
in General Relationship Discussion

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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Is it fair to hold onto someone when they want out of a LTR? I see so many people holding on for dear life when it's clear that their spouse or partner wants out. Is it fair to hold someone hostage, and the lesser question, to put guilt on someone who just doesn't want to be together anymore? Is it fair to not let them move on when they want to?

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purplesorrow Established Member

purplesorrow

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Is it fair to hold onto someone when they want out of a LTR? I see so many people holding on for dear life when it's clear that their spouse or partner wants out. Is it fair to hold someone hostage, and the lesser question, to put guilt on someone who just doesn't want to be together anymore? Is it fair to not let them move on when they want to?

 

An adult can't be forced to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in. You can't force someone to love and care for you. If they want out, grow a pair and leave.

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Gold Pile Established Member

Gold Pile

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An emotionally experienced person who cares about others besides him/her self, would let them go. They'd likely come to that decision in a short time anyway.

Someone who is emotionally inexperienced or very self centered wouldn't be able to face letting someone they want... leaving them.

Average folks will reach the decision to let them go, at varying speeds.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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An adult can't be forced to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in. You can't force someone to love and care for you. If they want out, grow a pair and leave.

 

That isn't what I'm talking about (forcing). I'm talking about someone who wants to leave and says they want to leave, but then you have a SO doing everything in their power to prevent it or make it as difficult as possible. I understand people get angry, sad, and don't want change etc, but it just seems wrong to me to try to prevent it if their heart is not in it. I just can't even imagine wanting to stay with someone who didn't want to be with me. It makes my blood run cold.

 

Again, I'm not talking about SO's who are ambivalent, on the fence or sending mixed messages. I'm talking about the ones who say unequivocally that they want out, but have a partner that fights it.

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purplesorrow Established Member

purplesorrow

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That isn't what I'm talking about (forcing). I'm talking about someone who wants to leave and says they want to leave, but then you have a SO doing everything in their power to prevent it or make it as difficult as possible. I understand people get angry, sad, and don't want change etc, but it just seems wrong to me to try to prevent it if their heart is not in it. I just can't even imagine wanting to stay with someone who didn't want to be with me. It makes my blood run cold.

 

Again, I'm not talking about SO's who are ambivalent, on the fence or sending mixed messages. I'm talking about the ones who say unequivocally that they want out, but have a partner that fights it.

 

That person still has to make the choice to leave if that's what they want to do. Some people never let go, but it's still on the person who wants out to make it happen.

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xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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That isn't what I'm talking about (forcing). I'm talking about someone who wants to leave and says they want to leave, but then you have a SO doing everything in their power to prevent it or make it as difficult as possible. I understand people get angry, sad, and don't want change etc, but it just seems wrong to me to try to prevent it if their heart is not in it. I just can't even imagine wanting to stay with someone who didn't want to be with me. It makes my blood run cold.

 

Again, I'm not talking about SO's who are ambivalent, on the fence or sending mixed messages. I'm talking about the ones who say unequivocally that they want out, but have a partner that fights it.

 

The person who leaves often has a head start in getting used to the idea. It takes time for people to absorb a shock, and hope may motivate those behaviors.

 

Is it fair to expect to break cleanly free of a relationship you've woven yourself into? It takes time to detatch and tie up the loose ends so that they don't fray and fall apart.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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When it really astounds me is when one spouse tells the other that they don't love them anymore and want out, but then the other spouse clings. If someone told me that, I would be heartbroken, but let them go. I just don't understand how one wouldn't let them go.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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Stoic acceptance is a viable option:

 

 

"I don't want this. It is the opposite of what I want, but I will accept it and move on."

 

 

Trying to dodge the pain of a failed relationship just brings more pain.

 

It is the projection of hope, employed as a way of trying to avoid the pain of loss.

 

A lot of desperate dumpee behaviour, also falls into the category of Manic Defences.

 

 

"Relationship problems have been linked to the way there can be a division of emotional labour in a couple, by way of projective identification, with one partner carrying projected aspects of the other for them. Thus one partner may carry all the aggression or all the competence in the relationship, the other all the vulnerability.

 

Jungians describe the resultant dynamics as characterising a so-called “wounded couple” - projective identification ensuring that each carries the most ideal or the most primitive parts of their counterpart. The two partners may initially have been singled out for that very readiness to carry parts of each other's self; but the projected inner conflicts/division then come to be replicated in the partnership itself.

 

Conscious resistance to such projective identification may produce on the one side guilt for refusing to enact the projection, on the other bitter rage at the thwarting of the projection."

 

Source here.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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Thank you, Satu. :)

Frank2thepoint Established Member

Frank2thepoint

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Something like this happened with me concerning my last relationship, which happened to be an LTR. Although I did not hold her hostage (not sure how that is possible), I did earnestly try to convince her to remain in the relationship. Of course I did because I really wanted to continue to be with her. But I quickly realized her ending the relationship was a blessing in disguise, because we were not right for each other.

 

I can understand why someone wants to hold on to the relationship while their partner wants to end it. The person holding on is not the one severing the relationship. They are still emotionally vested. But it isn't right to coerce or manipulate the exiting person to stay. As much as it hurts, you have to let them go. You have to look at the positive, which is neither of you have to continue wasting time and energy on a failed relationship, allowing each of you the liberty to find someone else that may be right for you and them.

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autumnnight Established Member

autumnnight

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Trying to dodge the pain of a failed relationship just brings more pain.

 

It is the projection of hope, employed as a way of trying to avoid the pain of loss.

 

Wow...perfectly said. We think we are avoiding pain, but we are just drawing it out...and adding a dose of humiliation. I did a bit of this in my last relationship, and it just prolonged the agony.

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Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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I just don't understand how one wouldn't let them go.

 

Well, they don't wanna let go for several reasons:

 

-Their "identity" is wrapped up in that SO... I mean imagine if you have years married, commingled finances, kids, etc. You just can't tell your SO "Hey I'm out of here" w/o taking into consideration you just flipped their whole world upside down.

 

-Ego... No one likes to be dumped, rejected, etc. So, the person wants to hold onto the dumper cuz they are worried about how the dumping reflects on them - not that they care to fix the RL.

 

-You "owe" me... I mean, think about it. Wouldn't you feel like crap if you put all your time and energy into someone and then they dump you like a hot pocket? Reminds me of that movie "Waiting to Exhale" where Angela Bassett's character when and threw her husband's clothes in the car and lit it on fire. I mean, she supported him as he built himself up and when they were rich and "well off", he decided to "trade her in" for a younger model and "trophy wife".

 

-Blindsided... Some dumpers didn't give the other person a chance to fix the RL. So, when the dumpee is dumped, they just want a "chance" to fix it...Now, IMO, I'm on dumpee's side in these cases. I mean, you just can't blow off someone w/o giving them notice that they were falling short here/there and allowing them an opportunity to address/fix it.

 

-Lastly "selfishness"... The person could care less if they pushed you to leave the RL for whatever reasons (they let themselves go, were abusive, etc). And, their latching on to you and/or playing guilt-trips/manipulations is only an extension of the crap they did to you to push you out of the RL.

 

At the end of the day - I think all of us to some extent may get a bit "clingy" when the "I'm dumping you" bomb is dropped on us. I mean, depends on the dumper, how we felt about them, and/or if we already have someone else lined up and/or what's at stake (breaking up the family) that determines if we get a bit clingy or just move on like dusting them off our shoulders.

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kenmore Established Member

kenmore

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...-Blindsided... Some dumpers didn't give the other person a chance to fix the RL. So, when the dumpee is dumped, they just want a "chance" to fix it...Now, IMO, I'm on dumpee's side in these cases. I mean, you just can't blow off someone w/o giving them notice that they were falling short here/there and allowing them an opportunity to address/fix it...

 

Thank you Gloria! That's what I think too!

BlackOpsZombieGirl Established Member

BlackOpsZombieGirl

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An adult can't be forced to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in. You can't force someone to love and care for you. If they want out, grow a pair and leave.

 

Purple, while you're correct that an adult can't be physically 'forced' to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in - they CAN be manipulated, coerced, guilted or trapped into remaining in said relationship.:mad:

 

I once knew a nice guy with a good heart that wanted out of a relationship with a boorish and emotionally abusive woman. Every time he tried to break up with her, she would pull a manipulative tactic that tugged at his heartstrings or guilted him into staying with her. When he finally grew a pair and broke up with her and moved out, she told him that she was pregnant and that if he didn't get back together with her, she would never let him see or get to know their "child".

 

She actually faked being pregnant until he moved back in with her.:confused: He told me that a couple of months later, she had a "miscarriage" and "lost" the baby. It made me angry that he was so weak (and that naive) to get back together with her. I've lost touch with him over the years, so I have no idea if he's still with her or not...he probably is, UGH.

 

To answer Popsicle's question: Yes, it IS unfair for a person to 'hold onto' another person who wants out of the relationship! For the life of me, I do NOT understand why so many people do that - but, they do. And they do it because they're greedy, selfish, manipulative and/or obsessed with the other person.

 

 

 

.

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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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Is it fair to hold onto someone when they want out of a LTR? I see so many people holding on for dear life when it's clear that their spouse or partner wants out. Is it fair to hold someone hostage, and the lesser question, to put guilt on someone who just doesn't want to be together anymore? Is it fair to not let them move on when they want to?

 

 

I understand the desire to hold on, whether it's fair or not is probably not what that person holding on is thinking. They're probably just in a panic which is why they're clinging for dear life. However, it's rare that they can truly hold the other hostage. Many relationships end when only one party wanted it, and it comes down to the person wanting out being the one who has to put their foot down. If they expect the other person to "be fair" and just say 'Alright, well have a nice life now":laugh: it probably won't happen, because the person holding on feels like they are doing what's best for themselves, just like the person who wants to leave feels it's best.

 

I've never held anyone hostage but I do remember emotionally holding on in one relationship. I never did anything truly crazy like folks who threaten suicide or threaten other kinds of things, I simply kept wanting to work it out and asking to work it out. Was that unfair? I didn't think so. I truly felt (at the time) that he was making a mistake and me holding on was with the rationale that we could BOTH be happy if we gave it another go. I think that's most people's logic when they hold on. The person obviously loved them at one point so I think they believe that they can work it out and get back to that place again where they mutually want each other. I don't think most people hold on or try to hold the person hostage and would be happy if they stay even if they aren't happy, I think they usually believe that they can eventually be happy again if they work on it.

 

Anyway, all that to say, I get why people hold on and I think if you want to leave you have to be prepared to be the bigger person or the bad guy sometimes. It's great when both people want out, then it tends to be mutual and amicable. But so long as it's one-sided one person won't be happy and it's unlikely that they will simply agree and quietly move on, some can, but esp if years have been invested, they will try to make it work, so it's really up to the person who wants the change to spearhead it.

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BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

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When it really astounds me is when one spouse tells the other that they don't love them anymore and want out, but then the other spouse clings. If someone told me that, I would be heartbroken, but let them go. I just don't understand how one wouldn't let them go.

Are you involved with a married man ? Or were and wish the wife wouldn't put up a fight? I think a marriage is more complex than simply be or not be with me and romantic love. There are lives intertwined , family, money issues, history, children... Not as simple as breaking off some affair.

 

I wasn't in the situation but I've been married and I know that marriage is not all only about romance and crap like that. Don't get involved with a married man ever. When they leave their spouse it's the exception. If they have any money they can lose a lot of their life work in a divorce and they don't think its worth it . Men are much more practical than we'd like to admit and "love" is rarely what drives them. As for the wife, it really depends on the situation. If she has children, being a single mother is really tough and scary , children of divorce statistically could have more issues etc.. A divorce when you have children looks potentially life ruining. If she doesn't have children but has been married for a rather long time, losing the security financially, the status in society etc. is tough, so they'd cling to their family and life they built not necessarily to the man. It's not so black and white. The simplest would be if the wife is young and if they had a short marriage with no children. Then it would be easier for her to let go.

 

But instead of asking this question and blaming the spouses, just stay away from married people!!

Edited by BluEyeL
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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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Are you involved with a married man ? Or were and wish the wife wouldn't put up a fight? I think a marriage is more complex than simply be or not be with me and romantic love.

 

No, I'm not involved with a married man. (although I have before in the past) And, I have been in a long-term marriage with children before so I am in no way naive about marriage. People still need to let go when the other spouse wants out. I was inspired to make this thread from reading threads on this forum that had nothing to do with affairs.

cocorico Established Member

cocorico

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I think in some sectors of society, women are raised to derive their value from being a good wife, good mother, etc. Getting dumped throws that into question.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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I think in some sectors of society, women are raised to derive their value from being a good wife, good mother, etc. Getting dumped throws that into question.

 

Very true and I think the same is true for men. They also value being a good husband and father and fear ruining that image. They're in a bubble though, they don't realize that it's not the be all end all.

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Got it Established Member

Got it

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I don't think one can disregard childhood issues, especially abandonment issues, that will be pronounced in situations like this.

 

I think fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of perceived "failure" all cause people to cling to relationships that aren't worth clinging to.

 

I disagree with the ego piece as it is a poor ego/low self esteem to cling to someone as a healthy ego will not fight to keep someone who doesn't want them.

 

I think there are a multitude of reasons and degrees of it that it is a case by case scenario. Ending relationships can be hard, sometimes harder for some people, either way a therapist can help all parties and if it at the degree of ending a marriage, a therapist is definitely a needed resource to help each party hear the other and understand where they stand.

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BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

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No, I'm not involved with a married man. (although I have before in the past) And, I have been in a long-term marriage with children before so I am in no way naive about marriage. People still need to let go when the other spouse wants out. I was inspired to make this thread from reading threads on this forum that had nothing to do with affairs.

Ok then like I said and others said its still just not as simple as he/she doesn't want me. It's much more and letting go is not going to happen just because the spouse "wants out". Denial and bargaining are part of the grieving process.

kenmore Established Member

kenmore

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Very true and I think the same is true for men. They also value being a good husband and father and fear ruining that image. They're in a bubble though, they don't realize that it's not the be all end all.

 

I "hung on" for awhile because I love my wife and wanted to work with her to figure out how we could make it better. I still feel if she would have given us time and effort we could have made it work but she obviously didn't want to try anymore.

 

Did I feel like a failure? Definitely! Did I think it shone a bad light on me personally? You bet!

 

But all that aside, I wanted her and wanted to somehow make it work and I'm disappointed that she wouldn't. I also feel it would have been nice if she had let me know in no uncertain terms where we were headed and how we could make it better before she pulled the plug.

 

But, a lot of things in life would be nice. We use what we have and make the best of what we can. I agree with you that when it's obvious it's over, it's just time to move on. Beating a dead horse doesn't help anything, it just makes for hard feelings.

 

Ken

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