Gus Grimly Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 .... see that is just lying to me! It would have been best to say nothing at all. But if someone asks, I tell them the truth. White lies are harmless and trivial. They are untruths which we tell to minimize harm, embarrassment or distress in order to moderate what we and others people think and feel. It's called "having tact".
ScienceGal Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Do you think it's ever okay to just sleep people for experience? If both people involved are aware and on board, sure. In general though, no. Sexual intimacy comes from a true desire to be together and flourishes when there is communication, trust and respect. Trying to gain experience from meaningless sex seems empty and pointless. Just my 2 cents.. 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 6, 2015 Author Posted September 6, 2015 White lies are harmless and trivial. They are untruths which we tell to minimize harm, embarrassment or distress in order to moderate what we and others people think and feel. It's called "having tact". I cannot change the fact that I have been single for 12 years. That is the truth and I do not want to lie about that. But I can change about my sexual experience by having more, which increases confidence and desirability. I want to be honest about it all really. I don't want to have to make " a white lie" in order to come off as more ' experienced' I am either going to tell the truth or not.
joseb Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 If you want to have sex then fine, do it But if you dont really want to and are only having sex in order to avoid telling a white lie, well then you really need to think about if that makes any sense.... 3
Gus Grimly Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 I want to be honest about it all really. I don't want to have to make " a white lie" in order to come off as more ' experienced' I am either going to tell the truth or not. Okay, but if I were to date a woman who tells me she's been having meaningless sex with men to gain 'experience', I'd be so turned off. I hope you reconsider. You're worth more than that and any man worth a damn would respect you regardless of your sexual maturity. 2
guest569 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 If you want to have sex then fine, do it But if you dont really want to and are only having sex in order to avoid telling a white lie, well then you really need to think about if that makes any sense.... Yep this is all it comes down to! So you were single for a while, no big deal. Dont be ashamed of who you are, and if others judge you for it, they can bugger off. I have no trouble revealing my past (or lack of), if some immature idiot dumps me for it, so be it. Good riddance to him. 1
kilgore Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Yep this is all it comes down to! So you were single for a while, no big deal. Dont be ashamed of who you are, and if others judge you for it, they can bugger off. I have no trouble revealing my past (or lack of), if some immature idiot dumps me for it, so be it. Good riddance to him. I agree. I actually have a small number of partners overall. But I never thought of just trying to pad the stats, so to speak. 2
d0nnivain Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 see that is just lying to me! It would have been best to say nothing at all. But if someone asks, I tell them the truth. How is that lying? I told her the truth. The meal was just like mom used to make. While to most people that is a great compliment, in my case I was straight up telling her that her cooking sucked. Yet, she was very happy with my statement. Not a lie . . . just sugar coated truth. Also called blarney. You are not under oath in life. You don't have to tell the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth. First of all in my book anybody who asks for #s is a nosy cad & stirring up trouble. On principle, I would never answer that question. If backed into a corner I say something vague. In your case, I'd say "it's been a while." Not a lie but also not laying your whole life bare to somebody you just met.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 6, 2015 Author Posted September 6, 2015 How is that lying? I told her the truth. The meal was just like mom used to make. While to most people that is a great compliment, in my case I was straight up telling her that her cooking sucked. Yet, she was very happy with my statement. Not a lie . . . just sugar coated truth. Also called blarney. You are not under oath in life. You don't have to tell the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth. First of all in my book anybody who asks for #s is a nosy cad & stirring up trouble. On principle, I would never answer that question. If backed into a corner I say something vague. In your case, I'd say "it's been a while." Not a lie but also not laying your whole life bare to somebody you just met. I'd rather just tell the truth. People can do what they want with it. But I don't want to sugar coat it, make a white lie. It's my personal life. If I choose to be honest about it. I still think a little dating/sleeping with different men although would seem " meaningless" to others it would be very "meaningful" to me as it would help me understand how men work and what they like. It would help me understand I'm not this hideous beast that cannot get a relationship because I am attractive enough to get sex. I love it when men tell me I'm beautiful. My face lights up when I receive a compliment. I am so appreciative of when I receive it. When you have relationships and sex few and far between you appreciate it when you finally get it. The only thing of course is that men don't like clingy woman, so you can get attached very easily if you haven't had many boyfriends, but if you rationalize it, you can detach yourself very easily.
d0nnivain Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Sex is a personal choice. If you want to have sex with lots of people go ahead, enjoy. While there are men who don't care for the fact that your last relationship was 12 years ago, there are many who won't care for the fact that you sleep around. In the end, it doesn't matter. The only opinion that counts is yours. All I'm saying is that since you made certain choices already & you have concluded that isn't working for you & you want a change, the change I'm suggesting -- which is you be more obscure & a little less direct about your relationship status -- is far less radical then the change you are contemplating by "making up for lost time" & having lots of random sex. 1
No_Go Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Huh? If a guy tells me that, I'd run. Sexual experience is what you've tried, not with how many people. Although I had one experience provoked by the desire to be "approved by the society": my 1st relationship. In that time I was 27 and decided I no longer wanted to be a virgin... So it happened with the 1st interesting person that I met, not my greatest love. No regrets, although it turned into on-off disfunctional relationship.. Do you think it's ever okay to just sleep people for experience? I just kind of think in these days, men prefer woman who have slept with sort of a specific number? more than 10 is okay less than 15 is preferable but five or less is considered " not experienced" enough. Is our sexual culture changing? is this "pre-approved" notion imagined or real? I've spoken to men who say that they would never date a woman that was a virgin and some say would never take a woman seriously if they've slept with less than 5 people. What is "sexual experience" anyway? can someone define it? and what do most men on this thread prefer? say a woman in her early thirties slept with only 5 people and not all of them relationships... red flag?
Lois_Griffin Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Do you think it's ever okay to just sleep people for experience? I just kind of think in these days, men prefer woman who have slept with sort of a specific number? more than 10 is okay less than 15 is preferable but five or less is considered " not experienced" enough. Don't pander to men. Ever. 3
central Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 There is a balance, I think. You've probably seen many threads here about men who would never have a relationship with a woman they consider promiscuous, even if they've been. And men who don't really care about numbers may still care if those numbers were reached via indiscriminate sex. So, I would suggest that you look for a man who is very good and diverse in his sexual knowledge, and learn from him. He won't be a ONS, but would at least be a FWB. Of course, you may encounter a few ONS or duds looking for such a man, unless you already know someone with the skills who would be content with a FWB scenario.
RedRobin Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 (edited) I would never base my behavior on what you perceive a certain group of men want. Ever. Here's why... What you are really looking for, or should be looking for, is a guy who shares your values. I really dont see how having lots of empty sex is going to give you the experience you are looking for... If you had sex with a thousand people, you would still have to learn about what person 1001 likes... Because everyone is different. When I am single, I go out of my way to avoid men who believe in casual sex and FWB. Especially the hypocrites. Like the plague. To me, it is a bad habit a lot of people get into that makes it a lot harder to develop real intimacy. That said, I never ask about numbers... Too easy to lie. I tell them that I am a relationship kinda girl, and then see what they do. Now, if you just want to have casual sex because you are curious.... That would be different than just racking up numbers. Still, ultimately it us all the same piece parts. Doesn't change the fact that you more or less have to start from scratch with every new partner. Edited September 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Rejected Rosebud Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Lost time can't be made up for anyway, ever. 1
losangelena Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 You think that by not being honest it creates problems? I think at the end of the day I have two options--- Lie about how long it's been with people or sleep with people. Admitting that's it's been 12 years even though it's the truth is a turn off? It seems so unfair. That's why I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Although I am not a virgin, I think men would be immediately turned off by the lack of success, wonder why and won't stick around to find out. Doesn't matter how attractive you are, they'll always be thinking something is wrong with you if you admit when your'e last relationship was in the early 2000's. By sleeping with more, I kind of then think at least I've been "pre-approved" by some degree. I find this really hard, as I get older it gets harder... I think I don't want it to "FEEL" like a long time even though it has been, by sleeping with more people, the feeling of perceptual singleness diminishes and the feeling of sexy confidence increases. Daisy, this mindset is so SAD. Why do you think that? Did a man specifically tell you that?? I mean, I do understand where you're coming from. I'm 35; I didn't really start dating until I was 33. Sexually, I was very inexperience; I had fooled around a bit in college, but I was very religious in my 20s, so sex was a no-go for a long time. I had a couple of "boyfriends," but neither of those relationships lasted more than a couple of months. But I'm telling you it doesn't matter. I personally had a lot of issues to get past before I could date. But avoiding it was my CHOICE, and not because there was something "wrong with me." When I finally had sex, at 33, there was blood, and the guy was like, "are you on your period or something?" There was no way I was going to start explaining, in the heat of the moment, that he was my first guy, so (yes) I lied and said, "no it's just been a while." I didn't clarify what that meant, nor did I feel the need to. It was really none of his business. I did tell the next two guys I had sex with about my relative lack of experience, and they were both surprised (given my age), but that didn't stop either one of them from dating/sleeping with me. My now BF was practically as inexperience as I was, both sexually and relationally. But we've been together now for a year. It wasn't an impediment at all. I really think you need to date more and meet more people. If the kind of men you're dating are the ones who are going to dock you points because you're not "experienced" enough, you need to go find better men. Really, there are people who have had all kinds of relationship and sexual experiences (or lack thereof), and for many, many reasons. To just assume that all men are going to be turned off by your lack of a past is ridiculous and patently false.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 Daisy, this mindset is so SAD. Why do you think that? Did a man specifically tell you that?? I mean, I do understand where you're coming from. I'm 35; I didn't really start dating until I was 33. Sexually, I was very inexperience; I had fooled around a bit in college, but I was very religious in my 20s, so sex was a no-go for a long time. I had a couple of "boyfriends," but neither of those relationships lasted more than a couple of months. But I'm telling you it doesn't matter. I personally had a lot of issues to get past before I could date. But avoiding it was my CHOICE, and not because there was something "wrong with me." When I finally had sex, at 33, there was blood, and the guy was like, "are you on your period or something?" There was no way I was going to start explaining, in the heat of the moment, that he was my first guy, so (yes) I lied and said, "no it's just been a while." I didn't clarify what that meant, nor did I feel the need to. It was really none of his business. I did tell the next two guys I had sex with about my relative lack of experience, and they were both surprised (given my age), but that didn't stop either one of them from dating/sleeping with me. My now BF was practically as inexperience as I was, both sexually and relationally. But we've been together now for a year. It wasn't an impediment at all. I really think you need to date more and meet more people. If the kind of men you're dating are the ones who are going to dock you points because you're not "experienced" enough, you need to go find better men. Really, there are people who have had all kinds of relationship and sexual experiences (or lack thereof), and for many, many reasons. To just assume that all men are going to be turned off by your lack of a past is ridiculous and patently false. yes absolutely. " You're so bad at sex" ... " Don't tell me how to have sex with you.I know what I am doing and you don't. If anyone is going to tell anyone how to have sex, it'll be me telling you, since you barely know or understand what your'e doing." In my experience, most guys have treated me terribly. I have had one relationship-treated terribly. A few men I liked that didn't like me back-and treated terribly. Flings-treated terribly. If I had more control over my sex life, I would avoid these situations. If I allow myself to be a bit "stronger" in myself, I would avoid getting emotionally attacted to these greedy men who want someone "seemingly more pure" but tear their so called "purity and innocence apart" for their gain. Most promiscuous men want a pure woman to control and take advantage of, because it's more of a status thing but they don't give a **** about the person. I just have noticed that woman who have sex with loads of men, men actually have MORE respect for them. I sincerely believe if I have more of a colorful and less conservative sex life, I would be more respected. Most men get away with promiscuity, why can't woman do the same thing?
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 yes absolutely. " You're so bad at sex" ... " Don't tell me how to have sex with you.I know what I am doing and you don't. If anyone is going to tell anyone how to have sex, it'll be me telling you, since you barely know or understand what your'e doing." In my experience, most guys have treated me terribly. I have had one relationship-treated terribly. A few men I liked that didn't like me back-and treated terribly. Flings-treated terribly. If I had more control over my sex life, I would avoid these situations. If I allow myself to be a bit "stronger" in myself, I would avoid getting emotionally attacted to these greedy men who want someone "seemingly more pure" but tear their so called "purity and innocence apart" for their gain. Most promiscuous men want a pure woman to control and take advantage of, because it's more of a status thing but they don't give a **** about the person. I just have noticed that woman who have sex with loads of men, men actually have MORE respect for them. I sincerely believe if I have more of a colorful and less conservative sex life, I would be more respected. Most men get away with promiscuity, why can't woman do the same thing? It maybe a shame that no man has ever truly wanted me, but I understand what this world is about. I think there are certain rules that apply to woman that don't apply to men. Men- sew your wild oats because that's okay and it's allowed and expected. Woman- don't be a slut, because no one respects you. If anything, woman get more respect if she takes these matters into their own hands these days.
RedRobin Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 yes absolutely. " You're so bad at sex" ... " Don't tell me how to have sex with you.I know what I am doing and you don't. If anyone is going to tell anyone how to have sex, it'll be me telling you, since you barely know or understand what your'e doing." In my experience, most guys have treated me terribly. I have had one relationship-treated terribly. A few men I liked that didn't like me back-and treated terribly. Flings-treated terribly. If I had more control over my sex life, I would avoid these situations. If I allow myself to be a bit "stronger" in myself, I would avoid getting emotionally attacted to these greedy men who want someone "seemingly more pure" but tear their so called "purity and innocence apart" for their gain. Most promiscuous men want a pure woman to control and take advantage of, because it's more of a status thing but they don't give a **** about the person. I just have noticed that woman who have sex with loads of men, men actually have MORE respect for them. I sincerely believe if I have more of a colorful and less conservative sex life, I would be more respected. Most men get away with promiscuity, why can't woman do the same thing? What you are talking about above... has nothing to do with sex. That's just the way some people act (in your case, guys, because you are a girl and heterosexual). I agree that you need to develop your self esteem... I've had all kinds of men try to tear me down. Both at work and in my romantic life. Eventually you see the pattern. It becomes a little boring eventually. Seriously, it really does, or can... if you really understand and fully realize that the way they are treating you or trying to, has zero to do with you. Sex should be a fun and enjoyable experience. Always. I haven't had sex with loads of men, but most of them respect me. Having a 'more colorful life' would only be meaningful if you found joy in it... not to get back at someone or prove a point. To me, being more conservative means I get to have more joy with the man who earns my trust and who exercises discretion on his part too. I want someone who shares my values and is looking for genuine intimacy. It sounds like you do too. I dunno about this 'men get away with promiscuity'. They don't with me or among my circle of friends. Quite the opposite.
GooseChaser Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 (edited) Whatever kind of relationship you seek with a man, OP, serious or not, try to hold out for someone who will not treat you badly. As far as I go it's important to me to trust someone and to know that they will handle me with care if I'm going to get in that position with them, because it is vulnerable and I must protect myself, my safety, and my well-being. I am quite picky about who I choose too; in this, pickiness is my friend. That's how I see it. Love yourself first. Kick the bad ones to the curb... you can do better. Also... if you got pregnant with a man and wanted to keep the child, would you want him as your child's father? Would you want to interact with him long-term, to have him influence your kid? .. I feel a little preachy in this post but yeah. xD Edited September 7, 2015 by GooseChaser
Gary S Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 yes absolutely. " You're so bad at sex" ... " Don't tell me how to have sex with you.I know what I am doing and you don't. If anyone is going to tell anyone how to have sex, it'll be me telling you, since you barely know or understand what your'e doing." In my experience, most guys have treated me terribly. I have had one relationship-treated terribly. A few men I liked that didn't like me back-and treated terribly. Flings-treated terribly. If I had more control over my sex life, I would avoid these situations. If I allow myself to be a bit "stronger" in myself, I would avoid getting emotionally attacted to these greedy men who want someone "seemingly more pure" but tear their so called "purity and innocence apart" for their gain. Most promiscuous men want a pure woman to control and take advantage of, because it's more of a status thing but they don't give a **** about the person. I just have noticed that woman who have sex with loads of men, men actually have MORE respect for them. I sincerely believe if I have more of a colorful and less conservative sex life, I would be more respected. Most men get away with promiscuity, why can't woman do the same thing? - So pick better men.
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