Passerby94 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 (edited) My girlfriend broke up with me a week after she said she was sexually assaulted by this guy she met at a bar. Her story goes like this: She was at a club with some friends, one of which was a school ambassador who was essentially supposed to be looking out for her and protect her being that she was studying abroad. After drinking 11 shots of tequila and various other drinks, she goes home with that guy, his friend, and another girl to smoke at the ambassador's friend's house. The ambassador and the girl left, saying they would return shortly. Now she was alone with this guy. He gives her a glass of water that wasn't requested and they end up in bed. She woke up, unable to recall falling asleep, and started crying. She texted me shortly after and told me that she never thought she would be "this person" (referring to a cheater). After hearing her story i told her that she was sexually assaulted. She cried and cried and i tried to be there for her, reassuring her that it was not her fault. Fast forward to today; she's been telling me that she feels like she's changing and told me she doesnt think she can handle a serious and intimate relationship with me. That every time i tell her i miss her or mention something close to sexual, she would feel weird. I told her that im still here for her and that this doesnt change how i feel about her and that i will give her time and space. Basically, i need advice on what the hell is going on. Thanks in advance Edited September 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
MrBojangles Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 She texted me shortly after and told me that she never thought she would be "this person" (referring to a cheater). After hearing her story i told her that she was sexually assaulted. She cried and cried and i tried to be there for her, reassuring her that it was not her fault. Sorry this happened to you. The reason your GF broke up with you is that she's feeling guilty, because she knows that she cheated. It was you that suggested sexual assault, but her behavior says otherwise. Your suggesting to her that she'd been sexual assaulted, is a bit unusual, in that you appeared to be ignoring the obvious and was ready to sweep her cheating under the rug for her preemptively. As for what is going on? It sounds like she needed a way to get out of this relationship with you, so she cheated. Unfortunately for you, instead of dumping her as she expected, you came up with the sexual assault excuse and was prepared to stick with her. So she was forced to just end it with you outright herself. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Oh, dear. I'm very sorry to hear what happened to her. Has she considered reporting this to the police? Please encourage her to do so immediately. Remind her that there is no shame in doing so and she could be helping other potential victims by coming forward. Even if you aren't her boyfriend right now, please continue to support her in reporting this. Sexual assault is a serious crime. Does the school ambassador know what happened? You're in a very difficult position. All you can do is respect her wishes to end a romantic relationship for now. She is probably terribly upset and confused, and it is not personal. I would suggest contacting a university counseling services and asking for advice in such a delicate matter. They can better advise you as to what your role can/should be in supporting her, if you feel you are able to do so.
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Her story sounds a bit fishy to me. Add in the "I'm changing..." rubbish and it really reeks!!! Are you in a LDR?? If so, another strike in my book...
Gus Grimly Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 You poor guy, I'm sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine what she's dealing with, it must be a nightmare. It's terrible. I believe you reacted to the news in a very mature and caring manner. There's nothing much you can do but respect her wishes and give her space. Perhaps you could write to her, send her a card, flowers. Let her know on paper that you still love and care for her. Give her encouragement that everything will be okay and that you'll be there for her when she's ready, no pressure. She needs you as a friend right now. She needs as much support she can get, but unfortunately, you'll have to do that from afar. Again, I'm sorry to hear this tragic news and my thoughts go out to her. 1
Author Passerby94 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 Thank you everyone for your responses. She's currently studying abroad, so yes this is a LDR. She told me that she still wants to talk to me and do everything the same, just nothing intimate. I was also planning on visiting her soon but i dont think that's happening anymore. She still wants me to and has encouraged me to do so multiple times already even after the breakup. Which is very confusing.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Thank you everyone for your responses. She's currently studying abroad, so yes this is a LDR. She told me that she still wants to talk to me and do everything the same, just nothing intimate. I was also planning on visiting her soon but i dont think that's happening anymore. She still wants me to and has encouraged me to do so multiple times already even after the breakup. Which is very confusing. She is probably very confused herself. Please encourage her to report this to authorities, and seek out support from the local counselling services. Did she get any type of medical attention? If she has no memory of what happened, she could have well been exposed to any number of infections from this man.
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Classic behavior... Shes moving you to the back burner.
Author Passerby94 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 She's gotten tested and the results were negative. She seems to be fine physically. What i dont understand is why she still wants me to come visit her. If she was trying to say goodbye, why encourage me to come visit her?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 She's gotten tested and the results were negative. She seems to be fine physically. What i dont understand is why she still wants me to come visit her. If she was trying to say goodbye, why encourage me to come visit her? Have you asked her? She is going to be experiencing a roller coaster of emotions for a long time. She will probably also need a pregnancy test soon, depending on when the assault occurred. Do you know if she has reported this to the police? If not, what is holding her back?
Author Passerby94 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 She says she doesnt want to ruin anyone's lives so she's not going to report it. She made it clear to the guy that what he did was wrong and confronted him already. He hasnt been around since.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 She says she doesnt want to ruin anyone's lives so she's not going to report it. She made it clear to the guy that what he did was wrong and confronted him already. He hasnt been around since. She cares more about preserving his reputation than the fact she believes she was raped?
Author Passerby94 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 I honestly have no idea what she is thinking...
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Obviously I have no idea, but this whole thing doesn't sit right... Do you think there is a possibility she is fabricating all of this??
Author Passerby94 Posted September 6, 2015 Author Posted September 6, 2015 I mean it's a possibility; but why would she still want me to come visit her? why does she still want to maintain the same relationship we have minus the intimacy and title?
Assil Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 11 shots of tequila, and by smoke, I assume you mean marijuana? That's called getting completely wasted and it makes sense she was offered water without requesting it. Basically, she got **** faced, had sex with someone and regretted it when she sobered up. That's why she feels guilty and like a cheater. Because she is a guilty cheater. She still wants to be friendly with you and maintain contact minus the title and sex part because that's all she values from you anymore - the safety and comfort of your contact without actually having to be tied down as your romantic partner. Read more of the threads here - it's a very common scenario for a woman to do this after a break up. I'm a first time poster, long time reader of this site, but had to chime in because it hurts the real victims of sexual assault when someone tries to play a victim like this. 3
kismetkismet Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 one note to the above ^^ She isn't the one that called it sexual assault, the OP was. OP - have you asked her if SHE considers it to be that and if she feels she is actually suffering from the effects of being assaulted. That makes a massive difference. It sounds a bit like that was a bit of a way for her to remove herself from a long term relationship while she is travelling as she wants to be free to have new experiences.. Not based on what happened to her, but the other things that she said, about not wanting intimacy but wanting friendship still? Like she still cares about you, but doesn't want to be committed and tied down....
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 I mean it's a possibility; but why would she still want me to come visit her? why does she still want to maintain the same relationship we have minus the intimacy and title? See post #8...
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Basically, she got **** faced, had sex with someone and regretted it when she sobered up. That's why she feels guilty and like a cheater. Because she is a guilty cheater. She still wants to be friendly with you and maintain contact minus the title and sex part because that's all she values from you anymore - the safety and comfort of your contact without actually having to be tied down as your romantic partner. I'm thinking this could be hitting the nail on the head... 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 11 shots of tequila, and by smoke, I assume you mean marijuana? That's called getting completely wasted and it makes sense she was offered water without requesting it. Basically, she got **** faced, had sex with someone and regretted it when she sobered up. That's why she feels guilty and like a cheater. Because she is a guilty cheater. She still wants to be friendly with you and maintain contact minus the title and sex part because that's all she values from you anymore - the safety and comfort of your contact without actually having to be tied down as your romantic partner. Read more of the threads here - it's a very common scenario for a woman to do this after a break up. I'm a first time poster, long time reader of this site, but had to chime in because it hurts the real victims of sexual assault when someone tries to play a victim like this. Starting to wonder if that's the case, too. OP, I think you need to let her know that it isn't a wise idea to visit her now. If she questions this, remind her that she broke up with you. You are no longer her boyfriend and thus need to start working on closing that chapter. Visiting her isn't conducive to that. 2
Author Passerby94 Posted September 6, 2015 Author Posted September 6, 2015 After i told her that she was most likely sexually assaulted, she agreed and began reading into it and believes she's suffering from the effects. She also told me that she just needs time and she doesn't want this to be goodbye. She also mentioned that whenever she hears the guy's name she cringes.
Gus Grimly Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Basically, she got **** faced, had sex with someone and regretted it when she sobered up. That's why she feels guilty and like a cheater. Because she is a guilty cheater Ah, hmmm. May I change my mind and follow suit with this logic? After reading the other's points of view, I'm finding it hard to ignore the obvious. You really can't ignore her behavior after the fact. It truly is not that of a person who's been through trauma. It's more inline of someone who's ashamed and guilty. A person who's been sexually assaulted most likely would want justice. I know I would. I agree with ExpatInItaly, you need to move on, this post-breakup relationship sounds unhealthy. 1
Author Passerby94 Posted September 6, 2015 Author Posted September 6, 2015 Thank you everyone for your input and support. I know what i need to do now i really, really appreciate your help. I wouldve gone crazy overthinking about this!
sandylee1 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Perhaps she feels partly responsible because she drank too much. The whole incident could have made her have intimacy issues as well. I think if she knowingly cheated and wanted to end it, she didn't have to tell you about the incident , she could have just ended it. It's not uncommon for victims to feel this way and sometimes they don't even realise they are sexual assault victims. If she can't recall or was too drunk to consent then it shouldn't have happened. I can also understand not wanting to report it, because your sexual history gets delved into and the whole experience is very unpleasant and harrowing. Ask her why she wants you to come over now you're not together. She may just want your comfort right now.
Waynester Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 It's very difficult not to be cynical about this situation. It may be that she was assaulted against her will I.e. Drugged or due to the alcohol. Or. She simply cheated on you, she knows full well what she did...but you put forward the assault idea. She has now had to do the hard part by finishing with you, instead of you finishing with her because of her infidelity. She also may just be keeping near by..at arms length, ready to have you back IF the situation (that you may have no knowledge about) fails. You could be the backup plan? Lots of if & buts here as it's difficult to offer advice when the true situation is not very clear. If she was indeed sexually assaulted, then she should have contacted the Police..but this was her choice to not do so. Her reaction to ending your relationship may well be due to the post traumatic stress of the assault. But...the cynical voice in my head...keeps saying there's something not quite right here.
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