Very hurt and need moving on

[chikrs]

My gf didn't know what she wanted throughout the whole relationship

We were together for 2 years and two months

Let me tell you my part of the story

I keep hearing how I'm such an ******* but listen my side

We started off as co workers in oreilly auto parts

In the beginning she started flirting with me and I became interested so I started flirting back

We started hanging out and becoming closer together

Couple weeks go by and she asks me to go to Her friends house NYE 2012-2013

Middle of the night at 12 am she lunges towards me and kisses me

This makes me think she wants to be closer

Another week goes by and we go to a work party together

End of the night while driving her home,she asks me if I want to know something funny.

I'm like sure what is it?

She asks me do I know how much she wants to **** me

Me having feelings for her made me think this is next step towards a relationship

We arrive at her house and we end up having sex for a little

Two weeks later,during her closing shift,I decide to bring her flowers and ask her maybe if she would be interested in being more than friends

She denied me and told me that she doesn't know what she wants

At this moment I felt led on

Making out with me,having sex with me,hanging out and texting like a couple,all while flirting with me and she doesn't know what she wants?

What the hell is up with that?

 

I started to ask her what the heck is your problem

She told me she doesn't want to hurt me

Obviosuly she didn't notice that she already did hurt me

Next couple months were brutal

Working as coworkers and going through all of that

She continued to visit me at the end of her shift and continued talking to me and flirting with me as if nothing even happened

 

I started to meet new people that told me she is a big flirt and just likes to mess around with guys

I figured out she was talking to multiple guys while leading me on

I should have taken this as advice and just left the girl alone

She claims she was single so she can do whatever she wants

 

Some time goes by and she invited me over to her house

This time she is the one that asks me out

I decided to forgive her and accepted it

We started going out 5/12/13

Next couple months were amazing

We were in love

We acted as a amazing couple and had regular couple activities

 

From may-dec 2013 everything was going good.

She was attending school

I was attending school and we still found time for ourselves

My last day of classes was Dec 12 2013

This was the day we last had sex

This means we had no sex for year and a half from today

This was the turning point for us

We continued being together because

I loved her and wanted to work the intimacy issues out but she never wanted to do anything about it and this is what got me fed up

I tried talking to her to see,If her feelings changed or if she is no longer attracted to me

She said she loved me and it's because of problems like her weight why we don't have sex

I wanted to help her and I understood

However it seemed as if I was the one ever doing anything about it

 

For Valentine's Day 2014

I made a plan to take her keys from purse to open up her car and place flowers and a ring to surprise her

At the end of her shift,she opened her car and was surprised

However while going inside,one of my friends told her happy vday and she said she isn't really feeling it

My heart dropped when i heard this

Eventually I let it go and forgot about it

 

Next couple months go by and she gets a new job

She started the job in nov 2014 and currently works there up in till we broke up

We started seeing each other less because her schedule consisted of closing shifts which were 1-9

My schedule is a set schedule that is 5:30-4pm and I'm off weekends

She worked weekends however so it was difficult to see her

During this span,I would text her and she started becoming distant

Claiming that she doesn't have time to text me and can't text me

Later on I figured out she was texting during her work shift so she lied to me

I have caught her in multiple lies and have been told she is a liar by people that know her from the past

For some reason I was never hesitant and always trusted her

 

I loved her for who she is and what she looks like and I never had a problem with her weight or anything else

Even though she knew this,many things came out of here mouth that I could not understand why she said these things to me

 

She would tell me she wants to go under a rock and die because she is hideous

That she is worthless

She always asked me if I love her

Faked breaking up with me countless of times

She walked out of my car and slammed the car door and said she is done and than within minutes apologizing and saying she is a bad person

Treated me like **** countless times

Had Crazy mood swings

Yelled at me at her home and in public and many more things that made me very confused

 

She has two different personalities

when she is at home and when she is out with her friends/coworkers

 

Around her friends

She has this personality of being down to earth

Me knowing this got me to the point where I was jealous whenever I hung out with her around other people

I saw how she was around them and than hated how she was around me behind closed doors

I could not understand

 

Around people that she loves

Like me her mom and her dad

She treats us way different than she does her friends

Towards us she screams and shouts and says rude things

Her dad is the one that she treats like complete ****

I can't understand why she talks down to him the way she does

 

She always told me how come I don't do this and that but

She wanted to meet my parents more and I tried to make this happen

I had many things going on such as class's for my cdl and errand I had to run

She has met my parents twice

I admit that but I wanted for her to meet them more but I was afraid if she treats me the way she does

How will she treat me in front of them ?

 

My parents are also very busy people

They own 4 homes and they are barely ever home so it was a conflict to have her meet them with her schedule and mine

There was days I could have invited her but if our relationship was going towards ****

Why would I want to have her around my parents

She was already pretending to break up with me plenty of times and telling me she is done and she gives up

How am I supposed to treat her like a gf and go out places with her if she treats me this way?

Add in the fact that we have no emotional attachment due to the lack of intimacy

No kissing No sex No foreplay

What do you think was going on in my mind ?

I didn't expect the relationship to go on but I kept trying to fix and work on things

 

She started comparing me to other people and our relationship to other couples relationships

How they take pictures and we don't

I have tried taking pictures but she always said she looked like **** so eventually I stopped trying and I admit that

I had my times where I was self conscious and didn't want to take any pictures

 

She complained that I won't let her spend time with her friends

I had no problem about this

In the beginning of the relationship

I was hanging out with a old friend of mine that was a girl and she told me that's not right

So from then on I didn't hang out with friends that are girls

She complained that she can't hang out with guy friends but I never stopped her from doing so

I just said how is it fair that I can't do that but you can

She told me back than she thought differently

 

Recently her mom has been divorced for the second time after spending 18years with the man

I think this is what changed her the most

 

 

She compares me to him

That I'll leave her just like he did to her mom

That we both are similar

And both have same personalities

Even though we are two completely different people

 

I have always done things for her and her mom

 

I mowed the lawn,

shoveled the snow,

raked the leaves,

washed the dishes

took care of their house for a month while they went to Poland

helped around the house with gardening,

building a wooden fence ,

helping them take everything out of their basement after it flooded

Took care of errands

Brought over many groceries without even asking

Called places to take care of things for her

Did car maintenance

Went on regular walks with the dogs

Fixed electronics for them

And many more things I can't think of at this moment

 

I understand that there are problems that I caused

But I always was trying to work and fix things

Just alone the fact that I spent a year and a half without sex should mean I love her

I never cheated and I can say this from the bottom of my heart

Do the many things I did for them not show that I love her ?

 

 

She asked for a break not to long ago and she gave me the reason that she wants to work on herself and be better for me

I didn't want a break so I talked to her about it

Than she wanted space

I tried giving her space but it was so hard not to text her

I didn't text her as much as normal but I did ask what exactly do you mean by space

Like no contact at all

She said that's what she wanted but in like how can you want no contact with me because you want to work on your weight which is something I have no problem with at all

I told her I don't mind you going to the gym

 

Little by little

I started pulling out more information from her

That a part of her doesn't she us together anymore

She also told me in the beginning I was driving her to classes to get over her ex before me

Around when she asked for the break, she told me she still has dreams about her ex I don't know if she was trying to annoy me or hurt me

I told her I really don't want to be with someone that doesn't know what they want and doesn't see a future with me

I understand we argued but that is because I was tired of working on things by myself and her never wanting to try to fix things

 

My decision was wither we break up and go our seperate ways

Or we both give it out all

I told her this

She asked to be friends

I told her I can't due to what she has put me through

 

She decided that she wanted to both give it our all

 

It did not seem like she wanted to give it her all so I talked to her about meeting up and finally deciding what is best

 

We decided to talk after work

We talked about everything

I wanted to work things out

She wanted to just give up and end the relationship

She thought it was the best choice

 

So we decided to end it even though it's what I didn't want but couldn't force her

 

We went our seperate ways and I met her at her house just to make sure she is ok after the drive home and that she didn't hurt herself or anything

Before she was about to go inside her hide

She said she doesn't know if this is the right choice so she wanted to talk the next day after work

She cried so much and told me she doesn't want to lose me

I never saw her cry so much as I did in this one night

 

Next day came

I called her a couple times

She answered in a aggravated tone and I asked her do you still want to talk since I valued her opinion

She said no she doesn't want to and she hung up because she had to go to work

 

I went to her mothers workplace and talked to her and her mother guaranteed that she does not want to break up

Her mom told me to give her time

So I texted her that I'll give you time

And write When you need me let me know

 

A day or two went by and

I was uncertain if we were already broken up for sure since she wanted to talk the next day after we technically broke up

I decide to call her and she didn't answer

I went to her house Saturday and tried talking to her

She was mad that I wrote I'll give her time but here I am next day trying to talk to her

I tried talking to her about what her choice was because it was bothering me so much but knowing what is going on

 

She had plans to go out with her friend Saturday night so she told me to come by sunday since she is having a bbq and later going to a friends house for a bonfire

I texted her later that night asking if it's ok if I come at this and this time since I had a funeral wake to attend to and I didn't know what time she is going to the bonfire

 

She never replied so I never came by

I thought that it was a sign she doesn't want to talk

 

She got my hopes up at the end by telling me her cousin and her bf took 4 breaks and they were dating other people

 

One of my close friends happens to know her cousin and out of curiosity asked her if this is true

Her cousin became mad and said that none of that is true

She texted my ex asking her why she's making bull**** up

My ex claimed that she never said that and denied ever saying it and said that I making stuff up because I'm hurt

 

When I figured out she lied

I texted her after a four weeks of no contact

And called her out for lying

 

She told me that she didn't deny saying that

I took pictures of our messages and I showed them to her cousin and her cousin said that she is a big liar

Why would you tell me lies to get my hopes up and lead me on

 

I have heard she is talking **** about me from multiple people

 

That supposedly we weren't seeing eye to eye and that we grew apart

 

She also lied to me that she can't text at work but when I saw her phone one day she had like 10 contacts texting her throughout her workday so she lied to me about that

 

What the heck did I go through

 

I'm so confused

Did she ever love me or was she just stringing me along and she wanted to be friends incSe she couldn't find anything better

 

I love this girl for everything she was and excepted her for all her flaws

She is already currently talking to other guys so I feel like she never even loved me

 

How is it possible for her to move on like that on the sheet emotionally detached yourself way before she tried breaking up with me

 

Her mom's second husband left her after being together for 18 years

 

He told me I would have a ****ed up life with them and to really think about if I really want to be with them

 

Her mom supposedly said Sex makes her feel like she is weak and hasn't put out for him in years

 

Her mom also asked me three months ago to move-in help them pay their mortgage since her husband is leaving

 

Is it possible that her mom talked her out of this and want to find someone that they could string along and have them pay off their house

 

Any comments or suggestions would be appreciated

 

I love her I miss her but I know I cannot go back she has done too much pain and I can't forgive her

[ExpatInItaly]

First suggestion: Summarize the main points into a shorter post. A lot of people won't bother reading to the end, because this is so long and includes a lot of details that aren't totally necessary. I don't say that to be rude, only to give you a pointer which will help you get more feedback.

 

Second suggestion: cut this girl completely out of your life. You have essentially been in a toxic friendship (not relationship) since Dec. 2013. She clearly has issues and doesn't love you the way you loved her. That's why she's able to move on quickly. You should never feel you have to accept flaws as big as the ones she demonstrated - those should be dealbreakers. You're not doing yourself any favours by putting up with bad behaviour. It doesn't mean you love her; it means that you're acting like a doormat while she does whatever the hell she wants. Not good.

 

Third suggestion: cut this girl's mother out of your life too. Her mom shouldn't be so involved to begin with. It's unhealthy and indicates a lack of boundaries from all parties in this situation.

 

Fourth suggestion: work on improving your own self-esteem so you will never again tolerate such a toxic cycle for so long. You are worth a heck of a lot more, don't you think?

[chikrs]

Thank you for the suggestion

I will try to make it shorter when I'm around a pc

 

That's what I felt like

I feel like she led me on and didn't know how to tell me she doesn't want anything to do with me

She told me she felt trapped

 

Her mom has been divorced twice now so obviously it has a effect On her daughter

Not to mention

Whenever me and her got into a argument

Her mom knew everything

Her own mother told me she knows to much details about me

I felt like I was dating both of them

 

I just don't understand how she wanted to string me along and keep me around

Why tear my heart apart and give me hope

 

My friends told me she even has all the Facebook updates and status with me as well

I wonder why she hasn't taken them down

I hope she regrets what she had and realizes she messed up

[chikrs]

Oh one thing that bothered me was

That her mom said she has to figure out where she stands

K took that as a big smack in the face because where the hell do I stand

Two weeks before she asked for space

I was building a fence for them around the house

I didn't get nada for it

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you for the suggestion

I will try to make it shorter when I'm around a pc

 

That's what I felt like

I feel like she led me on and didn't know how to tell me she doesn't want anything to do with me

She told me she felt trapped

 

Her mom has been divorced twice now so obviously it has a effect On her daughter

Not to mention

Whenever me and her got into a argument

Her mom knew everything

Her own mother told me she knows to much details about me

I felt like I was dating both of them

 

I just don't understand how she wanted to string me along and keep me around

Why tear my heart apart and give me hope

My friends told me she even has all the Facebook updates and status with me as well

I wonder why she hasn't taken them down

I hope she regrets what she had and realizes she messed up

 

The better question is: Why did you stick around when you clearly saw a pattern of toxic behaviour? Why did you tolerate that?

 

I mean that sincerely. Don't dwell too much on why she does what she does. You can't change that. The only thing you can change is you.

 

And hoping that she realizes she messed up if a waste of emotional energy. She isn't girlfriend material for you. Your hope should be directed towards yourself, in that you can hope to build up your own self-respect and dignity enough to walk away next time at the first sign of a toxic relationship. Don't let people treat you that way in the future.

[Satu]

tl;dr

 

 

10 characters

[chikrs]

The better question is: Why did you stick around when you clearly saw a pattern of toxic behaviour? Why did you tolerate that?

 

I mean that sincerely. Don't dwell too much on why she does what she does. You can't change that. The only thing you can change is you.

 

And hoping that she realizes she messed up if a waste of emotional energy. She isn't girlfriend material for you. Your hope should be directed towards yourself, in that you can hope to build up your own self-respect and dignity enough to walk away next time at the first sign of a toxic relationship. Don't let people treat you that way in the future.

 

 

Honestly I don't know why I stood around

I thought maybe she was just having problems and stress and that she would eventually come around

 

She showed me she loved me by her affection and always saying good things about me to her friends and family

 

She was on birth control and I thought maybe that had something to do with it and she actually took it out like 2 weeks before she asked for the break

[chikrs]

So just a update

I'm feeling much better

I did some research and I believe this girl had borderline personality disorder

She meets many of the criteria for it

Any suggestions or thoughts

Thanks

[preco]

Yes just 1 NC. Forget her and heal. There are a lot of Girls which like you and will be happy with you

Stay strong and NC

[mightycpa]

I got as far as Oreilly auto parts, and it reminded me that I'm looking for a 50 Amp fuse holder.

 

To answer your question, anything is possible. You'll never know the real truth, so you might as well get used to living without that.

 

Turn your back and walk away if you've been treated badly. Don't try to change reality.

[ExpatInItaly]

So just a update

I'm feeling much better

I did some research and I believe this girl had borderline personality disorder

She meets many of the criteria for it

Any suggestions or thoughts

Thanks

 

Glad you're feeling better, OP.

 

My ex-boyfriend is diagnosed BPD. However, he refused to seek any type of treatment for it. So I finally walked away. It was one of the best things I could have done for myself. It is a very serious disorder and can be extremely difficult to manage.

 

If she in fact suffers from BPD, you need to understand that you can't fix it. I don't even think she'd want your help, as she clearly doesn't view you as a boyfriend.

 

Keep her out of your life. This friendship was more or less one-sided. Stop putting yourself into toxic situations and work towards building yourself up without her.

[Downtown]

I believe this girl had borderline personality disorder.

Perhaps so, Chikrs. You are describing several of the warning signs for having strong BPD traits, e.g., the emotional instability, self loathing, neediness, lack of impulse control, inability to tolerate sustained intimacy, and repeated cycle of push-away/pull-you-back behavior. In any event, I agree with Expat and other respondents that you should stay away from her.

 

If you are interested, you may want to take a quick look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid another toxic situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left. Take care, Chikrs.

[chikrs]

So ya I believe she did suffer from bpd

I did research and a lot of it fits what I went through

Anyone else have any ideas

Lately she has been hanging out with all her friends from back in the day and posting slot on social media

I guess this hit her hard and it's her way of coping