me understand our feelings?

[dancinginthedark]

Hi everyone!

I'm writing regarding a sticky situation I'm in. Basically, about two years ago I moved countries to be with my boyfriend. We were doing the long distance thing for about a year. During our year and a half at a distance, he wasnt the best guy to me and so we had our ups and downs. I moved countries to be with him to give us a chance. I also found a much better job where he was so it all worked out. We had our problems living together but things were much better than before.

 

Months later...

at a work meeting, I met a very handsome male colleague who I was to attend a trip with that may (it was January). We worked in different departments so I had seen him but we had never spoken. I introduced myself to him after the meeting and he was extremely shy. I was surprised at how down to earth he was and, as he walked me out of the building, I could sense he was interested.

 

Months passed I completely forgot about him and things were much better with bf who proposed that March.

When May came I had absolutely no interest in the handsome colleague as we went on our trip.

 

Though we were there with two other colleagues, he would not leave me alone, asking questions, trying to spend as much time as possible with me. The second day he had gotten my number from a work document and texted me asking to get a drink. Knowing he knew my being engaged and me knowing he had a girlfriend, I was already suspicious of his texts. I said sure as long as a colleague came too.

 

That night, despite others being there, We REALLY clicked. We had so much in common from our past relationships to our current ones ( he also experienced long distance in the same countries!) it was super creepy how much we had in common. He was the male version of myself.

 

We spent each night together talking for hours. Nothing sexual at all. I found myself very interested by the end of the week-long trip and not at all excited to go home.

 

I went home anyway and I couldn't be bothered with my fiancé. He had always been a bit controlling anc VERY different from me. I now found a man who "got it" but I was sad that it was all over.

 

Nevertheless, at work we were meeting every day for coffee breakfast lunch or dinner there was always a moment we met. We talked and talked and then, one day, he confessed how he felt about me. He told me he had feelings and felt he needed to be around me. I felt this intense magbetism toward him and I still do. He kissed me and told me he still loved his girlfriend and to assure him that I still loved my fiancé. I was SO confused by him. The kissing happened two more times before our summer vacations.

 

During the summer holidays I took fiancé back home to celebrate our engagement with my family. We had a wonderful time together and the trip helped me put things into perspective. Hot colleague sent me many confusing texts including a picture of himand his gf on my BIRTHDAY so right before returning to work I told him to lay off the texting and to leave me alone.

 

As the year went on he still texted here and there asking to meet and I always had an excuse. When January came again I met him for a brief drink and all of the feelings came flooding back. We sat at the restaurant laughing the entire hour and I really just missed that. My fiancé was not so laid back so it was nice having the company. Still, my fiancé is much more mature and rational and I do love him deeply. There was just something else about colleague.

 

Anyway months after our January meet, I noticed he really didnt care to meet anymore and didn't try at all. I was hurt but I asked for it. Plus I was busy planning the wedding and trying to avoid him for my own good.

 

the work trip rolled around again and we went together again with same other colleagues.

The first night there I apologized for my rudeness all year and told him that he was so confusing and I really liked having him around. He agreed and understood. He said it just wasnt destiny for us. I agreed. he continued saying "but you're getting married.." and I knew he was hurt by it. Still we had laughs of laughs all week and amazing memories.

But on the first night,

 

He kissed me that night and we made passionate love. I felt horribly guilty even during the love making but it happened and it was very romantic.

He finished telling me he needed me and we spenf a while holding each other and kissing.

We made love three nights on the trip and the next two times, though initiated by him, he cried non-stop after he finished and kept telling me of his love for girlfriend. He then just left me there both times after he finished.

 

he kept apologizing the next morning saying he wished he could spend the night with me but he just couldn't.

I didn't eveb react. i knew i had a wonderful person to go home to and I couldn't wait to do that.

 

I got back from the trip I felt AWFUL. but now the texts were overflowing from colleague asking to see me etc. I saw him but not nearly as much as before. I left on my summer holiday and to get married of course, but he invited me over the last day I was in town and we eventually were intimate. I told him this was the last time because obviously after Im married it just won't happen. The love making was SO passionate on his part. he even sighed as he looked in my eyes and caressed my face. I told him Id miss him but that this was it for me. I asked if he'd miss me and he said "I don't want to answer that" very rudely. I was very hurt but it made me happier knowing he was a jerk.

 

The wedding summer honeymoon were all incredibile and I couldn't have wished for more. I totally forgot about colleague.

 

I came back and again he wants to meet etc etc. So I see him thinking Hes only a friend plus I had some contract drama which he knew about so I wanted to vent.

 

AGAIN all the feelings return we had an AMAZING time together and he tells me (with tears in his eyes) that he wanted to say that he would miss me and he's sorry he didn't. He just couldn't say it.

I said what's done is done.

Then he tells me he proposed a few days before his gfs bday (july 20) my wedding was July 18. He never wanted to propose, so I was a bit confused but I wished him well.

He told me I was the first to know as they are waiting until Christmas to tell everyone.

 

The thing is, I love my husband and I want to be with him. Things are great now and we have our lives ahead of us.

I refuse to cheat on him once more.

 

But I cannot get colleague out of my mind. Please help me understand what Im feeling and what colleague is feeling. Is it all sex for him?

Thank you.

Edited September 5, 2015 by dancinginthedark

[TaraMaiden2]

I am exercising a great degree of self-control here, because frankly, to put it mildly, you made the biggest mistake of your life getting married.

 

FRankly, you're not marriage material, and my advice to you would be to confess everything to your husband so that he can see that for himself.

 

Your behaviour is frankly atrocious, and you have no right misleading, cheating and lying to a man you profess to love, yet at the same time finding it impossible to keep your clothes on and your promises to your husband, intact.

You've lied, cheated and betrayed the man you vowed to remain faithful to.

You have no right to treat him this way.

 

To be honest, it really is of no consequence what your colleague is thinking, or why.

You're both liars, and cheats. One look at your own conscience will tell you everything about him you need to know.

You're as bad as each other, do not deserve the loving, honest and good partners you have.

Leave your husband.

He may leave his partner.

 

You deserve one another, because you are two-like-minded individuals.

Dishonest, uncontrolled and undisciplined.

[carhill]

The thing is, I love my husband and I want to be with him. Things are great now and we have our lives ahead of us.

I refuse to cheat on him once more.

 

OK, what do you propose as choices you can make to solidify the health of that goal?

 

But I cannot get colleague out of my mind. Please help me understand what Im feeling and what colleague is feeling. Is it all sex for him?

Thank you.

 

You're in complete control of your own mind. I'll bet it's full of memories. How do you process them?

 

You'll never be able to read your colleagues mind, ever. It's impossible. Neither can we. Letting go of that can be a step to moving on. Again, you're in complete control of your mind and your choices.

 

The first step, IMO, is clarity. Then, with thoughts and feelings clear, accept them as valid. Then make choices to align with your goal, which you stated in the first passage, that you want to be with your husband in your and his life ahead.

 

We can't tell you what to do. Only you can do that. It's your life. You're in charge.

 

Welcome to LS

[sandylee1]

Get another job and block him from text and email. If your H finds out, he'll be distraught by this. Just tell the OM no more. It's over and it's done.

 

It doesn't seem like you take marriage seriously at all.

 

Affairs don't end well and if you doubt that read around here and see the devastation of the BSs.

 

Would you believe your H loved you if he did this ?

 

I agree with the poster who said you shouldn't have got married. If you cheated when you should have had eyes for him only......what happens a couple of years in?

 

You weren't ready to get married .

[TX-SC]

I recommend you tell your husband, get an annulment due to infidelity, and go back to being single. You simply do not deserve your husband at this time in your life. Do not consider kids at all. Annulment and move on.

 

When I was engaged to my wife, no person could turn me away. You didn't have that.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. Can I ask how old you are?

 

I've been with my H for 25 years, married 19. You say that this colleague is special, handsome, you feel a real connection. I can promise you that in your life you will meet possibly hundreds of men you can describe in the same way! That's life! I'm a romantic but even I don't throw around the phrase "Soul Mates". The truth is you are compatible with a significant percentage of the male population.

You chose to go through with your marriage. You are now a wife. You made vows. If you know you're not done playing the field & you can never be faithful get your marriage annulled now. It's the kindest thing to do for everyone involved, including you. If you continue on this path it will eat you alive.

If you want to stay married.... Stop caring what this guy at work thinks or feels. Start looking for a new job. Some will tell you to confess to your husband. I really don't know at this point. To be honest I can't even start to comprehend getting married with your feelings & actions. Your wedding day should of been 'perfect' (in that wonderfully imperfect way!) were you haunted by your actions? Did you have guilt & doubt while you read your vows? This is so sad for all of you.

 

What life do you really want?

You can be the person you want to be, there's still time.

 

I asked how old you are because I worry you're very young & not ready for the commitments you're making. Life is full of choices. Please don't spend your life hurting others & yourself. Life doesn't have to be like this!

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "Please help me understand what Im feeling and what colleague is feeling."

 

Passion, heat. The thrill & confusion of doing something wrong. Chemicals are flooding your brain & giving you a 'high' followed by a crash.

When we go with temptation we naturally justify our own behavior to ourselves. You're trying to find emotional significance where there is little too none. If this is a meaningless, insignificant sexual trist it makes you a 'bad person' (in your mind) for dong this to your husband. What other explanation is there?

[dancinginthedark]

hey guys thank you for your replies. I don't think you can judge my commitment to marriage based on my post. I have been extremely commited to my husband since day 1. He started the relationship based on lies and infidelity early on. He stopped and has changed but I don't think I've really let go of that pain. When I speak to colleague about certain things husband disagrees with (not telling him husbands opinion) he always expresses the same opinion as mine -without knowing what mine is. for example. colleague asked me how my trip to Brazil was and I told him great, but very macho-everyone would speak through my husband to talk to me. It was like my voice didn't matter. Husband, when I told him: "thats the way they are, get over it"

 

colleague: you know, many men are that way in the world. it is really unbelievable

 

So you can see how I've ended up in this predicament. I really appreciate the advice. I would like to make it clear I have not been unfaithful since getting married. I only met colleague for a coffee.

 

Im 30 years old by the way. And trust me I take marriage very seriously. I have always. Just sometimes husband, with his comments and views, practically throws me into the arms of colleague and I want to avoid that now that I'm married but I'm really struggling.

[SoulStorm]

hey guys thank you for your replies. I don't think you can judge my commitment to marriage based on my post. I have been extremely commited to my husband since day 1. He started the relationship based on lies and infidelity early on. He stopped and has changed but I don't think I've really let go of that pain. When I speak to colleague about certain things husband disagrees with (not telling him husbands opinion) he always expresses the same opinion as mine -without knowing what mine is. for example. colleague asked me how my trip to Brazil was and I told him great, but very macho-everyone would speak through my husband to talk to me. It was like my voice didn't matter. Husband, when I told him: "thats the way they are, get over it"

 

colleague: you know, many men are that way in the world. it is really unbelievable

 

So you can see how I've ended up in this predicament. I really appreciate the advice. I would like to make it clear I have not been unfaithful since getting married. I only met colleague for a coffee.

 

Im 30 years old by the way. And trust me I take marriage very seriously. I have always. Just sometimes husband, with his comments and views, practically throws me into the arms of colleague and I want to avoid that now that I'm married but I'm really struggling.

 

Do you think your husband always agrees with your comments and views? If he doesn't, would it be fair for him to go talk to a woman he was having sex with before he married you?

 

You didn't take your marriage seriously. You cheated multiple times before the wedding day. Engaged means intent to marry..so that means you prepare for that by being faithful throughout the engagement. I agree..you are not marriage material. For you it's "If my husband's views and comments stink, I have the right to go talk to my handsome colleague I had an affair on him with." Good luck with that

[ShatteredLady]

I'm sorry for this (quote) "He started the relationship based on lies and infidelity early on. He stopped and has changed but I don't think I've really let go of that pain." do you feel like there was an element of 'Revenge Affair' when you were with this guy before your wedding? Did a small part of you justify your actions because you were still hurting from your H infidelity at the start?

 

Please be careful. You're starting to rewrite history. I don't know if you see this or not in your posts. If you continue to focus on the negative things about your H you will just get more & more miserable. Do you write a journal? If you do look back at the way you were thinking about your H before all this started. I look back at emails & texts I've sent friends & family about my life. Make a list or spend some quiet time thinking about all the best things about your H. For every negative think about all the wonderful, loving things he's said & done.

It's completely normal & natural in your position. You're justifying your feelings & actions by focusing on the great things about the other man & concentrating on the bad things about your H. If you want your marriage to work you need to stop this thinking you REALLY DO.

 

Please, above everything else DO NOT get pregnant until you've completely analysed all of this. Babies make EVERYTHING a 100x harder! PLEASE!

[nightmare01]

IMO if you cheat on someone you "love" - have an affair and lie to them - then what you are feeling is not love... at least not any sort of love that most people would be interested in.

 

Maybe that would work in an open relationship where you are both totally above board about both of you sleeping with other people while being married. But if you are pretending to be in a monogamous relationship and say you love that person, that's just manipulation.. and that sort of manipulation doesn't show respect, or protectiveness, or loyalty to your partner, and that IMO is not love.

[DKT3]

So, you don't think by complaining about the Trip to Brazil that your BOYFRIEND didn't pick up on the fact that your husband did respond the way you wanted.

 

The problem with what your doing is you are looking for any small thing your husband does as a way to justify what your doing.

 

I'm sorry, but you are talking to a room full of people who have travelled this road on one side or another so for you to tell us that you take marriage serious is almost a slap in the face. You got married to one man while sleeping with two. You complain to this man your sleeping with about your husband, at which point he re enforces your bad feeling. What about this is being serious about your marriage?

 

There a really deep sense of entitlement here. What you just said in your last post amounts to this "I'm f*cking this other guy because he agrees with me when I have a disagreement with my husband".. just WOW.

[turnera]

The wedding summer honeymoon were all incredibile and I couldn't have wished for more. I totally forgot about colleague.

 

I came back and again he wants to meet etc etc. So I see him thinking Hes only a friend plus I had some contract drama which he knew about so I wanted to vent.

 

AGAIN all the feelings return we had an AMAZING time together and he tells me (with tears in his eyes) that he wanted to say that he would miss me and he's sorry he didn't. He just couldn't say it.

 

The thing is, I love my husband and I want to be with him.

Bullshyte. You aren't in love.

 

You love BEING loved.

 

You are selfish and you seek out men who will make you feel important, beautiful, sexy.

 

You haven't the faintest idea what it means to be in love.

 

Hint: love means you put yourself LAST because you love the other person so much that THEIR happiness is more important to you than YOUR happiness.

 

You have no idea what that even means.

[turnera]

And trust me I take marriage very seriously. I have always. Just sometimes husband, with his comments and views, practically throws me into the arms of colleague and I want to avoid that now that I'm married but I'm really struggling.

 

Oh, so it's all your HUSBAND'S fault that you want to cheat!

 

Why didn't you say so?!

[Satu]

Love or dysfunctional attachment?

 

There are many things that people call 'love,' which aren't love at all.

 

Here's a little test:

 

 

"Love is total commitment to a person's wellbeing."

 

 

If you can meet that standard, its love.

 

If you can't, it isn't.

[Marc878]

Doesn't take a genius to know how this will end.

[m.snow]

you will always have fights with your husband. some small & some big.

sometimes even for days.

 

your having trouble with just comments from your husband. can you handle married life?

you have to ask yourself now while its early.

 

single life and married life are different.

married life is about sacrifice.

single life is about being happy & being in love.

that's why many young people these days chose to not get married.

 

in married life you are faced with the realities of your husband since you live with him. you see your husband for all his flaws.

 

but in truth, that what gives life to marriage. helping one another fix each ones flaws.

[troubadour]

hey guys thank you for your replies. I don't think you can judge my commitment to marriage based on my post. I have been extremely commited to my husband since day 1. He started the relationship based on lies and infidelity early on. He stopped and has changed but I don't think I've really let go of that pain. When I speak to colleague about certain things husband disagrees with (not telling him husbands opinion) he always expresses the same opinion as mine -without knowing what mine is. for example. colleague asked me how my trip to Brazil was and I told him great, but very macho-everyone would speak through my husband to talk to me. It was like my voice didn't matter. Husband, when I told him: "thats the way they are, get over it"

 

colleague: you know, many men are that way in the world. it is really unbelievable

 

So you can see how I've ended up in this predicament. I really appreciate the advice. I would like to make it clear I have not been unfaithful since getting married. I only met colleague for a coffee.

 

Im 30 years old by the way. And trust me I take marriage very seriously. I have always. Just sometimes husband, with his comments and views, practically throws me into the arms of colleague and I want to avoid that now that I'm married but I'm really struggling.

 

 

OP, I like your sense of humor.... you should try stand up comedy.

[nightmare01]

hey guys thank you for your replies. I don't think you can judge my commitment to marriage based on my post. I have been extremely commited to my husband since day 1. He started the relationship based on lies and infidelity early on. He stopped and has changed but I don't think I've really let go of that pain. When I speak to colleague about certain things husband disagrees with (not telling him husbands opinion) he always expresses the same opinion as mine -without knowing what mine is. for example. colleague asked me how my trip to Brazil was and I told him great, but very macho-everyone would speak through my husband to talk to me. It was like my voice didn't matter. Husband, when I told him: "thats the way they are, get over it"

 

colleague: you know, many men are that way in the world. it is really unbelievable

 

So you can see how I've ended up in this predicament. I really appreciate the advice. I would like to make it clear I have not been unfaithful since getting married. I only met colleague for a coffee.

 

Im 30 years old by the way. And trust me I take marriage very seriously. I have always. Just sometimes husband, with his comments and views, practically throws me into the arms of colleague and I want to avoid that now that I'm married but I'm really struggling.

 

Hooking up with your ex(?) lover for coffee without your husband knowing IS being unfaithful IMO.

 

Your husband is NOT throwing you into the arms of your lover. Stop lying to yourself. You are looking for any excuse to run to your lover to complain about your husband because he's "oh so understanding" (aka blowing smoke up your dress)

[Satu]

OP:

 

Everything you do is done because you want to do it.

 

Unless you're drugged or hypnotised, it begins and ends with you.

 

Don't try to blame-shift.

[starpower]

 

The thing is, I love my husband and I want to be with him. Things are great now and we have our lives ahead of us.

I refuse to cheat on him once more.

 

But I cannot get colleague out of my mind. Please help me understand what Im feeling and what colleague is feeling. Is it all sex for him?

Thank you.

 

Okay so you love and want to be with your husband but you want to know what the guy you cheated with is feeling. Why?

[latinmex]

 

trust me I take marriage very seriously. I have always. Just sometimes husband, with his comments and views, practically throws me into the arms of colleague and I want to avoid that now that I'm married but I'm really struggling.

 

Wooww, now you blame to your husband.

The only person who throws you to the arms of your lover IS YOU and ONLY YOU.

You choice to have sex with your lover. was not choice of your husband, You

decided be with him, SO WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED???????

So now every time that You dont like your husband comments you are going to run to Your lover´s bed.

What a beautiful marriage is this WOW....

[TX-SC]

Reality check #1: You started an EA/PA while engaged and you have continued the EA part of it into your marriage. So, you have been cheating the whole time. I call BS on the "I love my husband and respect my marriage" comments.

 

Reality check #2: Your husband has not driven you into the arms of the OM. You dove HEAD FIRST (actually crotch first) into this affair.

 

Reality check #3: Annulment NOW will be much easier than a divorce later. You can still claim to have just "made a mistake in getting married" now. Later, you are just a lying, cheating person with low morals. Plus, there will be joint ownership of more "things" and finances.

 

Reality check #4: You are not ready for marriage. Stop fooling yourself.

 

Reality check #5: # He is cheating on his gf, soon to be fiance, with you. He really wants you but is settling for her. So, expect an eventual divorce there too.

 

Last reality check: If he cheated WITH you, he will cheat ON you. And, you too are a cheater. If the two of you get together, one or both of you will eventually cheat. Guaranteed. Better make it an open relationship with NO rules.

[anika99]

You sound pretty immature for 30yrs old. Your husband is not the man for you. Just get your marriage annulled, tell your loverboy that you would like him to ditch his gf and then you two can be together and have a nice long life of lying and cheating on each other since you both have the same low principles and selfish attitudes

[bubbaganoosh]

Ya know that sooner or later your husband will find out about this. Either from you getting caught with this man by him or someone else. A text message or when you get caught in a lie, then your going to have this situation settled for you and you just might not like the out come.

 

You had to see all the red flags when this first started but you chose not to heed the warnings. Not to mention that all the sweet talk this guy threw your way was just that. Talk. Say anything, do anything, agree with anything just so he can get you in bed.

 

The guy is no Prince Charming and he did a great job hiding all his wart, scars, bad habits and you fell for it and it just may cost you down the road.

 

I'm not going to tell you to come clean to your husband because I don't think you'll do that anyhow but what I will tell you is to be prepared for the day when all this comes to light and you have to answer for it. It wont be a good day.