zootsoot Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Hi everyone, i'm wondering if anyone has had the same experience/any advice regarding my recent breakup as i've struggled to find any advice for this particular situation. We started going out about 7 years ago (I was 18, she was 17), which lasted for a great few months before she called it off, citing commitment fears. I fought tooth and nail for the next 6 months to try to get over her, as I fall in love hard... but found that I couldn't, due to the fact we were at school together. Eventually we discussed it and sorted her fears and got back together. What followed was the best 6 years of my life, we had trouble due to the fact that 2 years in, she moved to a different part of the UK to go to University - we did long distance (seeing each other every 3 weeks) for 2 years before I then moved to Cardiff to live with her. We didn't argue very much, preferring openness and total honesty and expression of feelings/wants/needs and had a truly loving relationship. The breakup 4 months ago was hard, especially since this coincided with her finishing University and both of us needing to move back with our parents (who live near each other). I lost my business that I had built up, all our friends and housemates moved back to their parents' houses as well (different parts of the UK) and I was landed back where I grew up. The reason for the breakup was that she was having feelings for girls (especially one who lives abroad, whom she met in a chatroom). She went abroad to travel for a couple of months, including meeting this girl and deciding that yes, she probably is lesbian. Although the pain was so hard to bear, I feel that I have been super supportive - she hates herself for doing this to us, especially me and is still struggling to come to terms with it all. I do not blame her one bit for the situation. We are working very very hard to forge a new relationship as friends because we ended on such good terms and not seeing each other is completely impossible in such a small town, so I would rather it be cool rather than awkward. I genuinely like her as a person and there are no feelings of anger or hatred there at all, she doesn't have so many people she can talk to about all this. I am one of 3 people who knows the full story and I feel that my pain is nothing compared to what she is going through, so I continue to support her and reiterate that it is not her fault, you cannot choose who you fall in love with. Meanwhile, I do feel like my world has completely collapsed and am on the verge of tears all the time. But I feel like i've got to hold it together for her sake and the sake of our friendship. I'm trying to be what we laughingly call "adult" about it because I do believe that we can eventually come through this with a new relationship, because there is a huge about of mutual respect there. I don't really have a huge amount of friends to talk about this with either, so i'm reaching out to a wider community. Any thoughts/musings/sympathy welcome. I'm feeling very alone right now. Peace and love.
carhill Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Welcome to LS. Yep, stuff like this happens. It can at any time, but seems to occur a lot during the twenties as people solidify their personalities due to physical maturation of the brain and life experience. It sounds like you went through a lot of changes and challenges and this kind of stuff can feel overwhelming. On the positive side, it sounds like you're back on home turf with the support of family and access to home-turf friends so those are valuable assets moving forward as you dust yourself off and continue with life. Personally, I'd leave her to her proclivities and life and move on. Women aren't delicate flowers needing care and protection and nurturing, though we men like to think we're the epitome of such acts and that the women can't make it without us. Trust me, they can, and do. I'd focus on friends and family, get work or the business going again, and enjoy what life brings. Wish the young lady well in her lesbian life and move on.
Author zootsoot Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 Thank you Carhill. I did not see it from that perspective at all. I will try everything you suggested. Is it normal to feel like you're abandoning someone though? I don't want her to think that I don't still care for her. This is basically my first major breakup and I have precious little experience in this department to rely on...! I want to be as compassionate as possible, to her and to myself.
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