skier10 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I apologize in advance if this comes off as a rant, it is born partially of frustration but also an honest curiosity. I have read a lot around the internet that seems to suggest that if the object of their affections doesn't raise them to their top priority, they aren't interested or worth your time. I have a very hard time swallowing this at this point in my life. Myself, most of my friend group and the object of my affections have all graduated college but we all have ambitions that require us to make a lot of sacrifices and make our schedules completely unpredictable and crazy. I don't want to believe that a person 'isn't worth my time' because she has ambition and is doing what she needs to pursue her goals, indeed I wouldn't be nearly attracted to a girl who didn't have drive. Conversely I don't want to believe that I am undatable or not worth the time of women simply because I have lofty goals that will sometimes subvert my date/partner as my priority. Are people in their twenties who have goals outside of finding a partner allowed in the dating world? Or are they undatable because they are unwilling to set aside everything?
newmoon Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 making your partner a top priority doesn't mean subverting any career goals or ambition. it means that when your boss asks you to work overtime (again) this saturday, and it's your partner's birthday that same saturday, you make the choice to be with your partner instead, because you've already done overtime five saturdays in the past three months. you make a choice to put your partner first when the situation calls for it, but you don't stop being ambitious. having a partner who comes first and being ambitious can co-exist, and in many instances the right partner can fuel your ambition. behind every successful man is a woman, right? you can often achieve more with (the right) someone by your side. 4
kilgore Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 making your partner a top priority doesn't mean subverting any career goals or ambition. it means that when your boss asks you to work overtime (again) this saturday, and it's your partner's birthday that same saturday, you make the choice to be with your partner instead, because you've already done overtime five saturdays in the past three months. you make a choice to put your partner first when the situation calls for it, but you don't stop being ambitious. having a partner who comes first and being ambitious can co-exist, and in many instances the right partner can fuel your ambition. behind every successful man is a woman, right? you can often achieve more with (the right) someone by your side. Agree. Though it can be hard to tell the boss to stick it and that you have other plans
Clarence_Boddicker Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salaryman
Author skier10 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 Thanks for the encouragement. It's a really tall order to try to make it work when both parties have totally loaded (and variable) schedules
guest569 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Thanks for the encouragement. It's a really tall order to try to make it work when both parties have totally loaded (and variable) schedules My ex listed one of our issues as that fact he had a very busy schedule and i didnt. My wanting to see him at least once a week was too much for him. I was always aware that I was the 2nd priority and not sure if that is okay In a relationship or not?
No_Go Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Well you need to think about your priorities at a given time. When I was doing my PhD, I voluntarily opted not to date, because I knew I'd spend nights/weekends in the lab, and will switch countries soon. I do not regret this decision, and do believe I would not be fair to eventual partner and able to achieve a good quality of work in the same time. Now I have a partner, so I am also making conscious choice not to take a job that requires extensive travel, even if it comes with sacrifice of some pay. In this point of my life I'm contemplating kids in near future, so the choice fits my life goals, not only my partner comfort. If you want to casually date I guess it is ok even with the craziest schedule, I personally have had no interest in that and that led to my strategies. And I still think you're right, career /education may need to come 1st in the 20s, you may re-evaluate your choices when you transition to more mature age. I apologize in advance if this comes off as a rant, it is born partially of frustration but also an honest curiosity. I have read a lot around the internet that seems to suggest that if the object of their affections doesn't raise them to their top priority, they aren't interested or worth your time. I have a very hard time swallowing this at this point in my life. Myself, most of my friend group and the object of my affections have all graduated college but we all have ambitions that require us to make a lot of sacrifices and make our schedules completely unpredictable and crazy. I don't want to believe that a person 'isn't worth my time' because she has ambition and is doing what she needs to pursue her goals, indeed I wouldn't be nearly attracted to a girl who didn't have drive. Conversely I don't want to believe that I am undatable or not worth the time of women simply because I have lofty goals that will sometimes subvert my date/partner as my priority. Are people in their twenties who have goals outside of finding a partner allowed in the dating world? Or are they undatable because they are unwilling to set aside everything?
central Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I've read that a serious couple needs at least 15 hours a week together that is spent on the relationship - not chores, not kids, etc. - but doing fun things together or at least being together companionably. I don't know the source of this, but it makes sense in that relationships require quality time together, else it's not much of a relationship. I think the 15 hour idea applies once you live together, though - dating and leading up to that point may have to mean less time together weekly, but over time you will learn enough about each other to take the next step. 1
Els Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 It's a tough balancing act to be sure. I think some people can pull off both and some can't - it all depends on the person and their partner. My SO works pretty long hours at a demanding job, but we do okay, partly because he is willing to sacrifice other non career things for the relationship, and partly because my hobbies keep me busy a lot of the time when I'm not working. If he had been the kind of guy to need to spend several days a week with his buddies in addition to work, or if I had been the kind of person that needs a lot of time together, it might not have worked out.
Els Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 My ex listed one of our issues as that fact he had a very busy schedule and i didnt. My wanting to see him at least once a week was too much for him. I was always aware that I was the 2nd priority and not sure if that is okay In a relationship or not? You were right to break things off. Unless there is a scheduling problem where your schedules are polar opposites, or other commitments like children, it is completely reasonable to want to see your partner at least once a week IMO.
Maggie4 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 The point is to make your partner FEEL like top priority. Afterall, how do you even begin to rank people in your life? Mother, best friend, son, etc. all important. Many people achieve great success at both career and relationship at the same time. These people have high EQ, good habits, energy, and communicates effectively. Many attributes that make you a good business partner, will also help you succeed at relationships. Then there are people who fail at both job and relationship. 1
UntitledNotepad Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I'm sorry, but the truth is that your answer depends on your gender. Men - you NEED a career to have a romantic life. without it you are just a loser living with his parents making no money = absolutely undateable. Women - career is irrelevant, wastes time, and only intimidates guys (not talking about some job as a secretary, but as a doctor, lawyer, etc.). Guys want a flighty, light, carefree, available, not-stressed-out person to be around. I'm not being sexist, it is just 100% what I have seen in person by talking with friends. What kind of guy wants to date a girl who is always stressed out and busy? What kind of girl wants to take a guy living with his parents? HOWEVER, what kind of guy wants to date a girl who has passionate hobbies (photography, cooking, short story writing, yoga, etc.)? What kind of girl wants to date a successful surgeon?
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