Jake0516 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Hey guys I'm kindda new to this forum but I need some advice. I'll try to make it as short as possible. Me and a girl have been talking since February started dating in April. I told her when we first got serious that when late summer comes around she will barely see me. Which is what happened. I was working all the time and barely made time for her. I pushed her away because of that and I hurt her pretty bad without even knowing it. It finally came down to her breaking down and calling it off. We met in person afterwards and talked about it and she said that she doesn't know what she wants because she loves me and stuff but is afraid the same thing will happen again. She said she will give me a chance to redeem myself. That was two weeks ago. Yeah I made the mistake by texting her long messages. But finally relaized that wasn't the right way. Every time I texted her she texted back. But only for a half an hour or so. We talked on the phone Tuesday night and was having a normal conversation and when the conversation died I just apologized for the way I've been acting and it turned into a fight. So I didn't text her until tonight and I asked her "I'm not fighting with you or arguing just a question but I just need to know if I should keep trying to fight for you because I don't want to give up. I want to keep fighting for you because I believe in fighting for what you want but if you are over us I really don't have a choice" she said she doesn't want a relationship right now and I just put a and she said I caused it. I know she still loves me but I think she afraid of me hurting her again. I'm asking for any help or advice rather it's negative or positive because I do want the girl in the worst way and I know I'll make time for again because I never want to lose her and if we do get back together I'll make sure I'll make time for her. So any advice will be greatly appreciated.
thunder777 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 break ups or seperations are like a cocaine addiction withdrawels, u crave crave crave if she is hurt from whatever, dont be grovelling trying to heal wounds, be manly, not wussy as being an extra softy will turn her further away just rest on it, ignore the temptation for a while, dont make contact until she contacts u im on the same path right now and just wanna get to her, but its best to set her free and hope she comes back, when missing u becomes too much again a lot of damage take equal time to heal or recover, i like a man figure nah lets just bang and all be fine but u need to rebuild the pieces, but wait wait wait, dont dig your hole deeper
Satu Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 What is it about your job that could make it more important to you than your girlfriend? 2
elaine567 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 ON paper she dumped him, but in reality he treated her so badly, she had no option but to dump him, so he is the DUMPER. The Dumper has to do all the running to get the dumpee back, if he ignores her, she will see that as further proof that he didn't want her. Forget all the texting, and go and see her in person. 3
Author Jake0516 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 What is it about your job that could make it more important to you than your girlfriend? I'm trying to get into the foreman position which I'm 21 and to get that position it would be a major accomplishment but I did try to see her on the weekends except for Saturday cause she worked all night.
Author Jake0516 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 ON paper she dumped him, but in reality he treated her so badly, she had no option but to dump him, so he is the DUMPER. The Dumper has to do all the running to get the dumpee back, if he ignores her, she will see that as further proof that he didn't want her. Forget all the texting, and go and see her in person. It's not that I treated her bad because she even said I treated her like gold. But how do I go see her and that when I don't want to come off as clingy. But I also don't want to ignore her or not try because I want her to think I care and to be honest I care a lot...
Author Jake0516 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 break ups or seperations are like a cocaine addiction withdrawels, u crave crave crave if she is hurt from whatever, dont be grovelling trying to heal wounds, be manly, not wussy as being an extra softy will turn her further away just rest on it, ignore the temptation for a while, dont make contact until she contacts u im on the same path right now and just wanna get to her, but its best to set her free and hope she comes back, when missing u becomes too much again a lot of damage take equal time to heal or recover, i like a man figure nah lets just bang and all be fine but u need to rebuild the pieces, but wait wait wait, dont dig your hole deeper So should I just not contract her? I'm trying to show I care because that was the biggest issue before is that I worked too much and she thought I didn't care about her. So I'm trying not to show I don't care but I also don't want to come across clingy because I'm trying to show her she is my main priority
Itspointless Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 So should I just not contract her? I'm trying to show I care because that was the biggest issue before is that I worked too much and she thought I didn't care about her. So I'm trying not to show I don't care but I also don't want to come across clingy because I'm trying to show her she is my main priority You do not want to come across clingy while she is afraid because you have showed major avoidant tendencies. Do not text, do not act out some kind of role, show your love. It isn't that hard. 1
thunder777 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 So should I just not contract her? I'm trying to show I care because that was the biggest issue before is that I worked too much and she thought I didn't care about her. So I'm trying not to show I don't care but I also don't want to come across clingy because I'm trying to show her she is my main priority its all become tangled & yucky for you before when u were unreachable at work & busy, u mentioned how she was clingy, needy but now that your the one who is being overly available, u are getting nothing from her see the difference? some women like heart felt loving nice guys, but the majority are attracted to "Neanderthals, bruts, hard arses" who if something aint working out he just move on indifferently a sooky softy write essays and poetry guys is not gonna attract the desire in your woman. just focus on your work, let the dust settle, dont fall into the softy zone, be a soldier and get on with whats needed to be done your probably in the fear of youll never meet anyone ever again if this falls through, be happy with or with out her, and focus on your own empire work car house friends & family, zero contact, and even ignore her messages for a delayed periods if u want her back.
elaine567 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I was working all the time and barely made time for her. I pushed her away because of that and I hurt her pretty bad without even knowing it. It finally came down to her breaking down and calling it off. It's not that I treated her bad because she even said I treated her like gold. But how do I go see her and that when I don't want to come off as clingy. But I also don't want to ignore her or not try because I want her to think I care and to be honest I care a lot... YOU treated her "badly" in that you worked all the time, didn't make time for her and pushed her away As you never made time for her and that was why you split up, then just going to see her, is NOT going to appear clingy. YOU have to show her you WILL make time for her and YOU do actually care and that you ARE worth taking a chance on. IF you stay away here, she will think you really do not care and she was right to dump you. 1
Satu Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I'm trying to get into the foreman position which I'm 21 and to get that position it would be a major accomplishment but I did try to see her on the weekends except for Saturday cause she worked all night. You have the right to set your own priorities, but I think you just didn't offer enough. Nobody wants to come second to a job.
thunder777 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 (edited) You have the right to set your own priorities, but I think you just didn't offer enough. Nobody wants to come second to a job. he makes a good point, this whole time your job has been in the way of her having u, she therefore has severe resentment towards that job of yours, every night wishing you had a normal job or whatever where you were more accessible if u played the "i will quit my job and get something different for you" card, fireworks would pop off in her like new years eve, and resentment gone Edited September 5, 2015 by thunder777
Satu Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 People should always come first. A job isn't a person. Placing a person lower than a thing isn't ever going to work. Do some serious reflection on this. Take care. 1
Author Jake0516 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 Okay so pretty much just let things die down and then In a couple weeks try to contact her again? Like I said the main reason she doesn't want to get back together is because she is afraid I'll put work before her again because she thought I didn't care about her. But I do care but like I said idk what I should do in this situation because trying to show her I care too much is bad but not showing I care would just make her think she made the right decision. Idk never had this situation before and I don't want to make the mistake by not fighting for her when she thinks I don't care when I do. Just don't know how to show it because I even said I talked to my boss and he said he wants me to save the relationship because work shouldn't come first and I told her that but she doesn't believe me. So idk kindda dumbfounded by this situation
Author Jake0516 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 And Thankyou to everyone. I really appreciate the feedback 2
Satu Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 (edited) Okay so pretty much just let things die down and then In a couple weeks try to contact her again? Like I said the main reason she doesn't want to get back together is because she is afraid I'll put work before her again because she thought I didn't care about her. But I do care but like I said idk what I should do in this situation because trying to show her I care too much is bad but not showing I care would just make her think she made the right decision. Idk never had this situation before and I don't want to make the mistake by not fighting for her when she thinks I don't care when I do. *Just don't know how to show it because I even said I talked to my boss and he said he wants me to save the relationship because work shouldn't come first and I told her that but she doesn't believe me. So idk kindda dumbfounded by this situation If you've said this, you should just leave her in peace to decide if she wants to be with you. If she does, she'll let you know. Edited September 5, 2015 by Satu
Itspointless Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 To be honest I think you haven't understand a thing the majority have said in this thread. Forget all the social rules, show her a human.
thunder777 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 if its love then u need to compromise consider alternative job, is it possible? maybe in a week or 2 mention briefly that your considering changing jobs just to keep her, and that will show u care immensly drop that seed, stay completely silently once more and wait to see if the seed flowers if it does and she returns u might be having to find a new job cos she willing to stay if the seed doesnt flower, keep your empire & your current job, move on, sounds like your loaded so a new girl will come eventually
Author Jake0516 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 To be honest I think you haven't understand a thing the majority have said in this thread. Forget all the social rules, show her a human. How do I do this?
Author Jake0516 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 if its love then u need to compromise consider alternative job, is it possible? maybe in a week or 2 mention briefly that your considering changing jobs just to keep her, and that will show u care immensly drop that seed, stay completely silently once more and wait to see if the seed flowers if it does and she returns u might be having to find a new job cos she willing to stay if the seed doesnt flower, keep your empire & your current job, move on, sounds like your loaded so a new girl will come eventually I mean yeah I'm loaded in a way but I don't want that to be the o my reason why a girl comes to me. Just want to fix things with her tbh
theredpill Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 What is it about your job that could make it more important to you than your girlfriend? That's the same question I was asked, by my ex after the fact and it still hurts to be honest. I'm in Global Finance for one of the big 3 manufacturers, we turn over 50 billion a year and things have just got to work, when systems go-live and don't work, we've got to make sure they do or we can't close at month end, this costs millions, potentially billions because these figures go public and affect share prices. She stuck by me for 6 months and told me I need to change role or it'll kill me, but before that it'll end us - which it did pretty much another 6 months later, 18 months down the drain I'd requested help to lower my 14-17 hours days or longer at times for many months, my director is based in India and simply does not give a **** or has any clue of what going on, we essentially do her job for us (I'm in the UK) under European working law (11 hours max) so two weeks after the breakup whilst at my very worst I told my direct manager in the UK I'm going to do my 7.5 hours I'm contracted to do and absolutely no more and I'm going to take another role that's advertised if I don't get help. So few weeks after that, managed to get my life back, normal 9-5 for the first time since July 2014, do I feel stupid for not taking this action before, absolutely, in fact I feel like a total idiot but it was too little too late, damage done. Last year we went everywhere together, this year a few little trips but not much and I'd got so stressed towards the end I wasn't even me anymore. I felt trapped, with no options after seeking help for a long time. Should I have tried harder to sort it or change role, maybe but knowing what I know now, had she been more supportive maybe things wouldn't have ended like they did. She still misses me lots, wants me in her life as friend (roflmao) and the answer I gave her last week was no, your choice, your decision, your loss.
Itspointless Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 How do I do this? Have you ever watched a Disney movie? Be that prince, whenever you have the opportunity. I am serious. Make her feel special, do things that really are romantic, surprise her. Also dare to be yourself and show your heart. That way she can step on it and you can be hurt. But more importantly she will know that what you show her is real. In other words forget forget all the bravura and dare to be vulnerable. There are already enough men that play games, if she has lived a bit she will be tired of that.
Author Jake0516 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 Have you ever watched a Disney movie? Be that prince, whenever you have the opportunity. I am serious. Make her feel special, do things that really are romantic, surprise her. Also dare to be yourself and show your heart. That way she can step on it and you can be hurt. But more importantly she will know that what you show her is real. In other words forget forget all the bravura and dare to be vulnerable. There are already enough men that play games, if she has lived a bit she will be tired of that. It's kindda hard to do that when she said she doesn't want s relationship because I was the one who pushed her away and yeah we text but only when I text her first and it's only for like 30 mins and I ask her to hangout but she says she already has plans don't want to go over her house without giving her notice or anything because I don't want to push her away even more...
Itspointless Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 It's kindda hard to do that when she said she doesn't want s relationship because I was the one who pushed her away and yeah we text but only when I text her first and it's only for like 30 mins and I ask her to hangout but she says she already has plans don't want to go over her house without giving her notice or anything because I don't want to push her away even more... She is defensive because she is scared. Do sweet little things, sent her flowers, a card, anything you know she will appreciate. Ask her to do things with you and do not give up easily (without becoming a stalker). Make her realize that you have gained insights, by showing her. And I know, I make it sound easy.
Author Jake0516 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Posted September 5, 2015 She is defensive because she is scared. Do sweet little things, sent her flowers, a card, anything you know she will appreciate. Ask her to do things with you and do not give up easily (without becoming a stalker). Make her realize that you have gained insights, by showing her. And I know, I make it sound easy. Thankyou for your help I appreciate it a lot. But if you don't mind me asking what do you mean by do not give up easily without becoming a stalker? And if I said flowers what should the note say? Without coming off desperate or putting the guilt trip on her
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