Three years

[Satu]

I'm going to be honest, I really never understand the philosophical quotes you frequently post in my threads.

 

You need to think about them if you don't understand them.

 

They don't come pre-digested.

[Satu]

Here's another:

 

 

"The vitality that can stand the abyss of meaninglessness is aware of a hidden meaning within the destruction of meaning.”

 

 

― Paul Tillich, The Courage to Be

[Inflikted]

You need to think about them if you don't understand them.

 

They don't come pre-digested.

 

Well, yeah, but you're talking to someone that's not very "smart" that way.

[loveflower]

You are not alone.

 

I find myself can't stop checking on social media about this person constantly and I think about him constantly as well. Just in my case, I thought he may like me, maybe I think too much and over interpreted things.

 

Anyhow, If I know for sure someone doesn't like me, I will stop thinking about that person.

 

what's to think about if you know for sure she doesn't like you?

 

I didn't think about that person at all for 2 years after I met him for the first time. he had a gf. just 1.5 yrs ago, I found him visited my profile on social media and he didn't have a gf anymore, I started to fancy him. then he left the city. damn I hate it. he 'made' me like him then his is gone without knowing if he likes me or not. and now I left constantly stalking social media... that sucks!

 

The social media peeping and thinking are the same as you. but I think I will definitely stop all those behaviours if I know for sure there are no hopes for me.

Edited September 9, 2015 by loveflower

[loveflower]

There are too many good things in this world. but almost all of those things don't belong to us. This girl is one of those things. so why can't you forget about her? maybe you are harbouring the 0.000001% chance?

[loveflower]

You need to think about them if you don't understand them.

 

They don't come pre-digested.

 

 

It's that mean that obsessive thinking is the result of not wanting to accept the fact? so we avoid living the present, the way it's.

 

It has its root in weakness...I admit that. maybe I have neurosis as well because I desire someone too much and I can't face the fact of without.

[oldshirt]

 

Now, I understand how I come off in my threads. I really do. But from my perspective, you have to understand that people constantly just saying "Seek professional help, that's all I can say", in my mind, is akin to saying "I don't want to deal with you, go pay someone to listen to you complain about your life". And hey, if that's how you really feel then fine.

 

No that's not it. It's that your issues are so deep and so severe that you will need a trained professional to sort it all out and give you the help and guidance you need. Noprofessionals on an internet forum are not going to be able to give you the level of help that you need.

 

It's like having cancer and asking an internet forum of nonphysicians how you should treat it.

 

When you have cancer you need a board certified oncologist in a major metropolitan cancer center to thoroughly assess your situation and determine the most appropriate course of action. Regular People offering advice on an internet forum won't cut it.

 

The same is true for you. Regular people on an internet forum won't be able to give you the level of care you need. You'll need a trained, licenced professional that has the training and experience required to address your issues.

 

And just like the cancer treatment, it won't be quick, easy or inexpensive and nor will it be a one-stop-shop where you have a couple appointments and you are fine. It will take a lot of time, effort and expense.

[craw]

My story:

 

Left home shortly before my 17th birthday.

 

Never took a penny from my parents from that day on

 

Never slept in their house ever again.

 

Put myself through college and university by working hard, hard, hard.

 

Put myself through professional training and established myself in a respected profession.

 

Don't owe anyone a penny. No debts of any kind.

 

 

If I can do that, why can't you?

 

Do you think it was easy for me?

 

Wow, I'm so impressed by you.

 

I need to be like that and move to Spain.

[craw]

.

 

You do have to remember one thing in life, there are always ups and downs.

 

This too shall pass.

 

I have felt similar pain recently. Ok, I tweaked a few things - but things will improve and get better. There will also be downfall again in something I can't predict.

 

Someone recommended Psych-K to me, a few people are actually intimidated with the fact you can re wire your subconsciousness.

 

However, it is YOUR decision to recognise that and WANT to change.

 

None of this information is relevant.

 

Once you DO make that DECISION, you have to keep working at it to improve. It's SO EASY to slip out of feeling good.

[Satu]

We have to invest ourselves into whatever will bring the best results.

 

Investing time, energy, and attention, into somebody who isn't interested in us, is pointless.

 

But some do it anyway.

 

It's a choice they are free to make, but not a wise one.

 

It's a bit like keeping an old lottery ticket that didn't win you anything.

[Inflikted]

There are too many good things in this world. but almost all of those things don't belong to us. This girl is one of those things. so why can't you forget about her? maybe you are harbouring the 0.000001% chance?

 

No, I mean, I know our lives will never cross each other again, and even if they do, she's pretty much already on a path to marriage and having a happy life.

 

I just really miss the connection that we had before I asked her out. I've never felt more "normal" or "at home" than I did when I was around her then. More than that, I miss the way I actually felt about her. "Feeling" something for another person (before it all went to hell, of course) felt so great, and she's the only person I've ever "felt" something for. I miss that, but no one makes me feel that way, so I can't seem to find it again.

 

No that's not it. It's that your issues are so deep and so severe that you will need a trained professional to sort it all out and give you the help and guidance you need. Noprofessionals on an internet forum are not going to be able to give you the level of help that you need.

 

It's like having cancer and asking an internet forum of nonphysicians how you should treat it.

 

When you have cancer you need a board certified oncologist in a major metropolitan cancer center to thoroughly assess your situation and determine the most appropriate course of action. Regular People offering advice on an internet forum won't cut it.

 

The same is true for you. Regular people on an internet forum won't be able to give you the level of care you need. You'll need a trained, licenced professional that has the training and experience required to address your issues.

 

And just like the cancer treatment, it won't be quick, easy or inexpensive and nor will it be a one-stop-shop where you have a couple appointments and you are fine. It will take a lot of time, effort and expense.

 

Yes, but again, "professional help" is a luxury that I can't afford. It's simply not an option for me.

 

And like I said as well, it's also not something that can "help" or "cure" everyone. At least with, in your example, cancer treatment, you can invest all your money, resources, and energy into it, and one of two things will happen; it will work, and all that you gave for the cause will have been worth it, or it won't work, you die, and everything you put towards it will not matter to you, because you'll be dead.

 

Whereas, with "professional help", it might work, but at the same time, I could very well put myself into major debt pursuing it, only to not be "fixed", and then also be in a massive amount of debt, which will depress me even further.

 

I just really don't buy into "professional help" being able to really do anything for me. I'm too stubborn, too "difficult", too set in my ways, and I'm not at all open to the actual process of it. It's not going to truly help someone like me.

 

But again, it really doesn't matter, because I can't afford it anyway. Call it an "excuse" if you must, but people make it sound like it's such a simple solution, when in reality, it's anything but.

[loveflower]

No, I mean, I know our lives will never cross each other again, and even if they do, she's pretty much already on a path to marriage and having a happy life.

 

I just really miss the connection that we had before I asked her out. I've never felt more "normal" or "at home" than I did when I was around her then. More than that, I miss the way I actually felt about her. "Feeling" something for another person (before it all went to hell, of course) felt so great, and she's the only person I've ever "felt" something for. I miss that, but no one makes me feel that way, so I can't seem to find it again.

 

I understand that. I sort of had that feeling. It took me more 3 years to unfix my fixation. now I only blame myself for being so stupid. He was not worth it. and it turns out there are better ones out there. I have more 'connection' to someone else.

 

has it occurred to you maybe your 'connection' is just your imagination? her turned you down says there is no 'connection' at all. to me connection means both ways. in your case it is only one way. maybe it's better to call it attachment or fixation.

 

At the right time, you may feel the same or even stronger about another girl. That was how I felt too, at the beginning I felt so devastated, I thought I could never have those strong feelings toward another person. It turns out false.

 

in my case, I never asked that person out or directly indicated I like him. but he did something I considered very insensitive to me. so I cut him off.

 

 

Yes, but again, "professional help" is a luxury that I can't afford. It's simply not an option for me.

 

And like I said as well, it's also not something that can "help" or "cure" everyone. At least with, in your example, cancer treatment, you can invest all your money, resources, and energy into it, and one of two things will happen; it will work, and all that you gave for the cause will have been worth it, or it won't work, you die, and everything you put towards it will not matter to you, because you'll be dead.

 

Whereas, with "professional help", it might work, but at the same time, I could very well put myself into major debt pursuing it, only to not be "fixed", and then also be in a massive amount of debt, which will depress me even further.

 

I just really don't buy into "professional help" being able to really do anything for me. I'm too stubborn, too "difficult", too set in my ways, and I'm not at all open to the actual process of it. It's not going to truly help someone like me.

 

But again, it really doesn't matter, because I can't afford it anyway. Call it an "excuse" if you must, but people make it sound like it's such a simple solution, when in reality, it's anything but.

 

nobody can help you if you don't want to be help. you are just complaining and whining...like a kid not getting what he wants. you don't actually look deep inside and wanted to be strong.

[Satu]

Snip

 

But again, it really doesn't matter, because*I can't afford it anyway. Call it an "excuse" if you must, but people make it sound like it's such a simple solution, when in reality, it's anything but.

 

Why is it that you can't afford it, when you have a job and nobody dependent on you?

 

Where does your money go?

[Inflikted]

Why is it that you can't afford it, when you have a job and nobody dependent on you?

 

Where does your money go?

 

I pretty much make minimum wage and I don't often get full time hours. The majority of my money generally goes towards cost of living. Bills, food, etc.

 

When I tried therapy before, the cost of a session was literally more money than I made in a single week. And that was when I was trying to find the most cost effective option... The fact that my medical benefits don't cover or help with the expense of that type of thing certainly doesn't help me, either.

 

In a way, it's one of those "catch-22" type situations. I can't afford therapy unless I can find a better job, but apparently, I can't find a better job unless I get therapy? Truth be told, I think if I could find a better, more satisfying job, I probably wouldn't even really need therapy to begin with, because that would give me something to derive personal pride and satisfaction from, which is what I lack right now.

[Inflikted]

No real answer to that, eh?

 

I dunno. For whatever reason, things seem to work out better for other people than they do for me. Other people will go through hard times, or overcome some obstacle in their life, and then there's some kind of light at the end of the tunnel for them, something that makes their struggles worthwhile in the end, whether that thing be a career opportunity, or a social/ romantic opportunity, or what.

 

Me, I just can't seem to ever find that "light at the end of the tunnel". I go through hard times, I go through obstacles in my life, yet, there's never anything on the other side of it for me.

 

If I could find those same things in my life, like most other people do, I wouldn't really be so unhappy.

[loveflower]

Perhaps this is life: Survival the fittest...

 

so that you can stop whining and dreaming...

[Inflikted]

Perhaps this is life: Survival the fittest...

 

so that you can stop whining and dreaming...

 

Well, yes, as I've said, life is "survival of the fittest" in all aspects. If I'm not "fit" for this world, though, then what? Aside from committing suicide, what is someone who's not "fit" for this world supposed to do with themselves? The thought of living such a worthless life for the next 30-40 years before I die of natural causes seems like torture to me.

 

Especially knowing everything I wish I had is out there, but out of my reach. That the career aspirations and dreams are out there but I can't find/ take advantage of them, that the girl of my dreams is out there but is happy and in love with someone else, etc. That's just... torture to know. I don't know how I can make it through the next few decades.

[loverboy69]

OP: You suffer from very low self esteem. You tend to associate a very low self worth because this woman chose a different path that didn't lead to you.

 

You seek the approval of others to an extreme because of the low opinion you have of yourself.

 

Here me out: You will get over her but you will continually repeat this pattern. Eventually you'll notice someone else and develop a massive obsession with them and the original girl will become a distant memory. And when this new girl doesn't return your interest you'll be right back at square one. The cycle will repeat itself over and over again.

 

You are the key to this equation. Only you can stop this cycle. I know that sounds cliche but it's the truth. You need to make this about YOU and not about the girls that you are hung up on.

 

I want you to try this: Write down the top 5 things about YOU that you would like to change or modify? Examples:

 

a) If you have a crummy job because you lack any technical skill then you need to obtain a higher skill set so that you can get that awesome job that will not only pay you more but allow you to live the lifestyle you want. If it has nothing to do with money then find a new job period.

 

b) Not happy with your appearance? Fix it. Lose the gut or if you are scrawny lift some weights. Acne? See a dermatologist. Thinning hair? Shave your head or save for a hair transplant. Tiny dick? Save for an enhancement.

 

c) Middle aged guy living with mom and dad? See letter: A above.

 

Once you improve yourself you'll notice that your confidence will elevate. When you become more confident people (even strangers) will notice and become more attracted to you increasing your odds of getting laid or a date.

 

I know a lot of people say "just be yourself," but if being yourself is miserable, unattractive, of low income and dateless then you're going to need to IMPROVE yourself to be that man you really want to be.

 

Time to man up!

[loveflower]

OP: You suffer from very low self esteem. You tend to associate a very low self worth because this woman chose a different path that didn't lead to you.

 

You seek the approval of others to an extreme because of the low opinion you have of yourself.

 

Here me out: You will get over her but you will continually repeat this pattern. Eventually you'll notice someone else and develop a massive obsession with them and the original girl will become a distant memory. And when this new girl doesn't return your interest you'll be right back at square one. The cycle will repeat itself over and over again.

 

You are the key to this equation. Only you can stop this cycle. I know that sounds cliche but it's the truth. You need to make this about YOU and not about the girls that you are hung up on. !

 

Thank you!

 

This is illuminating. I learnt something too.

[sportygirl89]

My first serious boyfriend walked out on me at 6 months when I was sick. The whole rule "getting over someone takes as long as the months you dated," is purely crap!. I'm 26, and haven't really dated anyone in starting my third year of being single. Grant it I dated people but it was not serious at least on my part. My ex is engaged to a girl now so its more of a reality that I need to start dating again. Not actively searching for someone at the time, just putting myself out there more during this time. Eventually I'll meet someone.

[Inflikted]

Here me out: You will get over her but you will continually repeat this pattern. Eventually you'll notice someone else and develop a massive obsession with them and the original girl will become a distant memory. And when this new girl doesn't return your interest you'll be right back at square one. The cycle will repeat itself over and over again.

 

I don't doubt that it will repeat itself, though not necessarily for the reasons you're stating. Truth be told, it has before. I had a crush on someone else about eight years ago, and I similarly had problems dealing with her rejection and being weird and mucking up the whole thing. Of course, with this girl, I liked her for superficial reasons, and later on, I did look back and wonder what I'd seen in her. The girl I made this thread about, though, I liked her because I actually felt like she'd make a good "partner" for me. She felt like someone I could talk to about absolutely anything and work really well with, and it felt so much more "real" to me. I've never had that type of connection with someone before, and I really loved the way it felt.

 

Anyway, I feel like, for me, my emotions and feelings tend to override my logical thinking. In my head, I tell myself "If she rejects you, just be understanding and polite. Keep being friendly, don't get weird, don't do things that will cause unpleasantness between you", and it sounds like a good plan. But when I'm actually in the moment, that all goes out the window, because my emotions get the better of me. For me, "having feelings" for someone is very very bad, because it means I'm going to turn into a crazy person and make them hate me.

 

I want you to try this: Write down the top 5 things about YOU that you would like to change or modify? Examples:

 

a) If you have a crummy job because you lack any technical skill then you need to obtain a higher skill set so that you can get that awesome job that will not only pay you more but allow you to live the lifestyle you want. If it has nothing to do with money then find a new job period.

 

b) Not happy with your appearance? Fix it. Lose the gut or if you are scrawny lift some weights. Acne? See a dermatologist. Thinning hair? Shave your head or save for a hair transplant. Tiny dick? Save for an enhancement.

 

c) Middle aged guy living with mom and dad? See letter: A above.

 

Once you improve yourself you'll notice that your confidence will elevate. When you become more confident people (even strangers) will notice and become more attracted to you increasing your odds of getting laid or a date.

 

I know a lot of people say "just be yourself," but if being yourself is miserable, unattractive, of low income and dateless then you're going to need to IMPROVE yourself to be that man you really want to be.

 

Eh. I don't know. The superficial things I hate about myself are things I can't change. For instance, my height. I'm freakishly short. That's not something I can truly change. It is what it is, and I just have to live with it. That's really just how my few physical abnormalities are.

 

Yes, I would like to have a better, more fulfilling career, but unfortunately, it's not as simple as getting an education and then finding an entry level position. It seems you need to "network" (which I don't even know what that means, other than people constantly saying it), and make "connections" and whatever. For an anti-social introvert, it's hard enough to connect with people on a social level, let alone a business level.

 

I did go to school, and I did get a degree (well, technically a trade school diploma), but it seems my dream career is nigh impossible to get into. Sure, I could go back to school and get a degree in something else, but I don't have any idea what I could do. I spent several years aimlessly taking college classes because I had nothing in mind. I don't want to do that again.

 

I went to my trade school because it was the only "passion" I've ever had for a career direction, but as it turns out, it's just a pipedream. I need to find a more "realistic" profession for myself, but I have no idea what I could eventually do really well, and I don't want to waste time and money aimlessly taking more college classes for another several years.

[Mrlonelyone]

OP Here are some things to ponder.

 

It may be a good thing that if you really truly liked someone that you are still hung up on them a little. Many people, even married people, never meet someone they like that way including their spouse. Now it would have been great if she liked you back that way and had you forever... in truth... it is a lucky thing to have liked someone that much at all.

 

You can't choose when you meet and a ready to love a new person.

 

You could have met half a dozen women that would have been as good as her...but you were not ready to love. That is not a bad thing. Look at it this way in a sense you were the rejector. All those women you have met, who were single, I guarantee that at least some of them found you at least mildly attractive. Had you shown interest they would have been on board. You were not ready.

 

It is ok that you were not ready.

 

One more thing.

 

It is better to be ready for love when you try to start a relationship than to be with someone just for the sake of not being alone.

[Inflikted]

Look at it this way in a sense you were the rejector. All those women you have met, who were single, I guarantee that at least some of them found you at least mildly attractive. Had you shown interest they would have been on board. You were not ready.

 

No, I don't think so. From the human behavior I've observed for the last several years, it's not overly difficult to see when someone is "attracted" to another person. I can't recall any instances where a girl seemed the least bit interested in me. I did think I was feeling like the girl I made this thread about was interested in me, but obviously, I was wrong. The only other women I've met that have given me the time of day are ones that were already in a relationship that were being more platonically friendly.

 

I don't really see it as "not being ready". I just... don't really feel like I'm ever attracted to the people around me as easily as it seems for everyone else. Most people can identify someone they'd date on a fairly frequent basis. Me, I just never feel that for anyone. At this point in my life, I've probably met over a hundred girls, yet, I've only ever wanted to date two of them (and one of them was for purely superficial reasons, so I don't even really count her).

 

It may be a good thing that if you really truly liked someone that you are still hung up on them a little. Many people, even married people, never meet someone they like that way including their spouse. Now it would have been great if she liked you back that way and had you forever... in truth... it is a lucky thing to have liked someone that much at all.

 

You can't choose when you meet and a ready to love a new person.

 

You could have met half a dozen women that would have been as good as her...but you were not ready to love.

 

I don't know. To me, it just felt too brief, and I can't stop blaming myself for screwing it up. Had I been smarter, more socially aware, more charming, or something, things would've turned out differently. Maybe we could've at least been friends. I feel like the "carrot" was dangling in front of my eyes, and I reached for it, but it all went horribly wrong, and I blew my one chance at having someone good in my life.

 

I don't want to "settle", I don't want to end up with someone I'm not really that into, I don't want to end up with someone because they're "better than nothing". But at this point, that's pretty much my best case scenario. I met a once in a lifetime "dream girl" for me, and I wasn't good enough for her. Now I'm going to have to settle for someone that's a "B+" in comparison, and that's horribly sad. And hell, that's if I can find someone at all. If I'm almost 27 and haven't been on a date yet, my prospects aren't looking very good. I'm "damaged goods".