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Posted

So exactly what are you committed to?

Posted
I haven't told a soul of how I've been feeling the past couple of months and I feel like I'm going to go insane. I haven't cheated physically, but there is a gray line if I have emotionally which is even more terrifying to me.

 

Some background: I married my high school sweetheart a couple of years ago and I am thoroughly committed to our relationship. I promised to never leave him and always to take care of him. I'm happy with him, but somehow dissatisfied too. His attitude about his life is always negative and it's hard for him to see how good he actually has it. He has told me he is resentful of my success with how "easy" it was for me in college and with getting a great job so soon after graduation while it took him several extra years to graduate and now he still works retail. I try so hard to be supportive and encouraging, but he gets in such bad funks he doesn't want to hear anything positive. It got so bad that I started getting depressed and having a "quarter life crisis" about how my life was going to be. We had a good talk, I got a new hobby, and while things haven't been as good as I'd hoped, it's not as bad as it was.

 

Fast forward and my new hobby of dancing is the best thing about my life. I've grown confidence, made new friends, and I now have something to constantly look forward to. Unfortunately, I've become intensely attracted to one of my new friends and he has proven to be one of those rare true friends who will always help someone in need. He is also single, a great dancer, funny, and makes me feel special. I respect that he is a hard worker and cares about his friends. Nothing more than a little dirty joking has ever transpired between us, but I am so careful of what I say or do so it doesn't come off as inappropriate.

 

My struggle is that I feel completely obsessed and just want to get this guy out of my head. Every time my husband holds my hand or kisses me, I want it to be my friend. I feel as though I'm just going through the motions and my friend's face is the one I'm always thinking about. When my phone pings that I've got a message, I'm always hoping that it's my friend and am disappointed if it's not. I'm jealous when my friend hangs out with other women in a way I've never been jealous about my husband. This isn't fair to my husband and I feel so guilty for thinking this way. For the record, my friend has specifically gone out of his way not to "hit" on me because he respects my relationship.

 

These thoughts are constantly infiltrating my head that I want to have an affair with my friend, but it could also be that because I'm unsatisfied in my relationship with my husband so I'm projecting? I don't want to leave my husband. I promised him. But I'm so unfulfilled I'm desperate.

 

How do I reconnect with my husband who has no idea of how I'm feeling and how do I get my friend out of my head? My husband and I have occasionally tossed around the idea of swinging, but because it would be so much easier for me to obtain a partner, he doesn't want to do it. Not only that, but I feel emotionally unstable about it with the way things are between my husband and myself.

 

I just don't know what to do, but I'm so tired of not being able to tell anyone. I dont want to open pandoras box without being able to close it again. Any thoughts or ideas? At this point, I'd even welcome a bit of "stop being such a wimp" advice.

 

Forgive me if this is repeating the suggestion of others as I haven't read the entire thread.

 

You need to get the book, Not Just Friends. You are following a very predictable pattern as slowly crossing boundaries. The book is enlightening. My wife said that if she had reas it prior, her affair never would have happened.

 

You're on a good course by coming here and being introspective. You're going to need to take actions as well.

 

As far as advice from me goes, you need to do one of two things: either fix your marriage or leave it. Stop giving yourself a third option. Seriously.

  • Like 2
Posted

I echo with everything in the post by SoulStorm.

 

If your if anyway serious about fixing your marriage, you surely have to ditch this so called 'friend' who your have developed romantic feelings for, and as you say yourself have been obsessing over. You obviously don't seem him as just a friend. If you are in any way serious about your marriage you need to stop any contact you have with him.

 

That doesn't mean you have to stop going dancing, as suggested already, dance some place else, and take yourself out of a potentially very dangerous situation.

 

I agree with you plan of action in being open and honest with your husband, let him know how you truly feel, and what's been going on. It maybe painful, but difficult but you may both come out stronger in the end.

Posted
Actually that is very often a very dangerous myth of infidelity.

 

Often times the WS is attracted to the AP because the AP is simply attractive to them and what ends up happening is in order to reconcile and justify their attraction, they end up finding fault and demonizing the spouse.

 

In other words the marriage was fine and their compatibility with the spouse was fine before the AP entered the picture and things can be fine again if they get the AP out of the picture.

 

Many tines the WS will conjure up faults in the spouse and faults in the marriage and they will begin to think that things have always been not right and that the spouse was never a good match. That is what "rewriting history" is all about and that is a very common part of the affair dynamics.

 

Blaming the BS and rewriting the history of the marriage is part of the internal justification that WS' s use to justify their affairs.

 

Now I am not saying the OP' s spouse and marriage are not without faults or imperfections. And I am not saying there isn't anything in their marriage that needs to be addresses.

 

But what I am saying is that she is full of the horny hormones for the OM, the faults and cracks she sees in her H and in her M may be greatly exaggerated and not accurate.

 

Countless WS have had their marriages crumble due to their affair and then months or even years down the road when the affair fog clears and the hormones return to baseline, they realize that the ex spouse and the marriage were actually fine but it was them that were screwed up.

 

To piggyback on this...

 

Even if the marriage wasn't fine, that marital unhappiness is not the cause of infidelity. If it were, then I'd suggest that we'd see infidelity in 100% of marriages on the part of both spouses. Is there a perfect marriage out there? If you stick around here long enough, you'll see one scenario after another where the wayward spouse says they have a wonderful spouse and marriage but "found themselves" cheating anyway. And we know there are horrible marriages out there and spouses that never cheat. There is no cause and effect here.

 

The real cause of cheating is the wayward's decision to cheat. And that's a very personal issue that has to do with the strengths and weaknesses of the individual. Infidelity is not a marital problem; it's a personal one.

  • Like 1
Posted
I haven't cheated physically, but there is a gray line if I have emotionally which is even more terrifying to me.

 

Some background: I married my high school sweetheart a couple of years ago and I am thoroughly committed to our relationship. I promised to never leave him and always to take care of him. I'm happy with him, but somehow dissatisfied too.

 

 

You are still good lucky...

 

Read all those sad stories about cheating & remorseful wives..

 

By the way, you don't sleep with another, you have good lucky for not across the physical line..

Posted

Hi Folks,

 

I have read through the posts of folks on this forum on Raleigh's thread and have noted some factors which I think are pertinent to a holistic view of her dilemma.

 

The first factor that comes to mind is that Raleigh and her husband have been married for approximately two years or so. To my mind this does not seem to be adequate time for them to have generated a lot of history together. She did say that she and her husband were High School sweethearts so I take it that they were in a relationship for a while before they got married. However, sweethearts in High School are not married and living together. They only reveal a better side of their personalities to their SOs' during this period. The difficult stuff comes when they are married, committed and living together. That is when the underbelly of each of them gets exposed to the other. Raleigh has indicated that she was doing most of the 'Heavy lifting' in their marriage almost from the start due to her husband's negativity, lack of self confidence and depression. Such a situation so early on in a marriage, when it should ideally be a Honeymoon period, bodes ill for the health of a union. A marriage is an equal partnership where both partners are expected to do their fair share of work to make it tick. One person cannot carry the whole load for a prolonged period of time. My point here is that this imbalance has resulted in Raleigh losing whatever enthusiasm she had invested in the union going in. The vows of 'For better or for worse' and 'Till death do us part' are really unrealistic beyond a point. Of course people must try and make a go of it. But a one sided union especially where one partner is negative and depressed can sap at the energy and patience of the other. The fact that Raleigh had to look out for a 'Hobby' to take her mind off the depressing atmosphere at home is indication enough that she had to escape the trap she was in to retain her sanity.

 

Raleigh has not said anything about what she found wonderful in her husband or what attracted her to him in the first place. She has not mentioned their ages but taking circumstantial information into account I would place them in the bracket of 25 years to 30 years. This is not an age where the two of them have to suffer in silence for the rest of their lives. They can decide to part amicably and lead happier lives with others who are compatible with them. Raleigh it seems is the better placed financially and in terms of work position as compared to her husband. This probably rankles him and will always be a source of friction between the two of them. The unhappiness that Raleigh is experiencing is what is showing up in her getting attracted to another man. Yes I agree that if she does finally go the whole hog of cheating emotionally and physically on her husband it will devolve fully on her and her character weaknesses. However the fact that she has come to this forum with her problem shows that she is not a skanky cheater in the generally accepted meaning of the term. She knows she is on a dangerous slope and that she needs to take corrective action. I think for people to encourage her to cloy to her husband against her own gut feeling may not be the best course of action for her. I know she has titled her thread as 'Committed' but after reading what she has had to say my own impression is that blind commitment may not be the solution she needs. I think that there is a limit to the extent that one person can continue to shoulder an unequal load in a marriage. She needs fresh air in the marriage as does her husband and that may best be obtained by their separating amicably and going their own way. I acknowledge that I may be completely off track but I have based myself on what little Raleigh has offered in terms of her marriage on various aspects except certain pertinent points. I do wish her the very best in whatever she chooses to do to resolve her dilemma.

Posted

Her post wasn't goo goo gaga about her husband because she's in the process of falling in love with another man. She has that crazy, manic tunnel vision that only new love (and a few drugs out there) can give you. I don't expect to hear someone counting the ways they love someone when they are simultaneously plotting their betrayal.

 

She also didn't really name of any horrible or deal-breaking things about her husband. I mean, she obviously loved him enough to marry him. If they've only been together two years, he still has lots of time left to get things together in his life. I know I was a lot grumpier and aggressive, less responsible, etc. when I was younger. Does he not get any room to grow? By all accounts, he hasn't hurt or abused OP in anyway.

 

Nope, this is simple a deal where OP didn't understand what marriage really means. It means you can no longer have the fleeting, new love. You trade that crazy world in for long lasting attachment love and the stability that comes along with it. She's playing a very, very dangerous game and sadly assumes that she has a choice between these two men. Newsflash, most husband's ego won't allow them to give a second chance a cheater and most single guys aren't going to start a "real" relationship with someone that's married. It could easily work out that OP gets pumped and dumped, loses the love of her life and left ashamed, embarrassed and alone. I hope she likes cats!

 

OP, I encourage you to read every thread you can on this forum. Over and over you see people just like you who are ended up making the biggest mistake of their life and l lost everything. Everything over some silly puppy love that went nowhere. Most of these men out there are absolutely horrible and if you found one good enough to marry and respect you, hold onto that man with everything you've got. Trust me, the dating world is super, super cold especially when you already carry the stigma of being a divorced cheater. Keep your life in tact and quit rationalizing. You're on the verge of messing up EVERYTHING. Even your own momma will never look at you the same.

  • Author
Posted

Just thought I'd give an update on what's been going on. Again, I appreciate the different views that ya'll have chosen to share with me. I do think without knowing the whole story that some have condemned me a bit harshly for something that has only ever occurred in my head and that the friend and I have never crossed that boundary (ie. Never told each other we wanted to be together, no physical intimacy, etc). I don't want to leave my husband for this friend either. I will however, take the advice and not cheat.

 

I have taken a step back from this friend and I force myself not to jump at my phone every time it pings. The past week has given me better perspective on why I feel the way I do.

 

My husband and I have lived together for almost seven years now so I'm pretty used to how he is. I got with him because he is a loyal, honest, intelligent man with a great sense of humor. He made me feel comfortable and he committed to me whole heartedly.

 

He has always been kind of grumpy, but I thought that it was rather endearing until he started having real "adult" problems like college, work, paying bills, etc. Then it came off as he was unwilling to work hard enough to make things right in his life. Some have suggested that I've been enabling him, but he's my partner and I thought it was my job to be a source of unending support and understanding. This has been going for so long now that I feel like I've lost a part of myself and I feel stagnant.

 

We had a talk the other day about how I was feeling and I have my first therapy appointment soon. He didn't understand how I felt because I have so many great things going for me and how could I feel like something was wrong when he didn't see anything wrong with us at all. He was supportive of my decision to go to therapy. I'm hoping I come away from my session with a better understanding on what I can do to improve my relationship with my husband and feel like I'm actually moving forward in a healthy and compatible direction with him.

Posted
....this is kind of a side bar but this is why when someone comes on here and says that their spouse has kind of suddenly started treating them coldly or is more irritable or disrespectful towards them, many of us advise to start looking for evidence of an affair or 3rd party.

 

And in the vast majority of those cases once they start making a legitimate investigation, an AP is discovered.

 

It's not that they became short and irritable and disrespectful of the spouse so they went out and got an AP.

 

It's as they become more attracted to and involved with the AP, they become more critical of and disconnected to the BS.

 

It's kind of a chicken and the egg type thing only in many cases the attraction to and involvement with the AP comes before the problems with the BS.

 

That isn't always the case but it very often is.

 

this broke my heart...it was so very spot on....John really was just John..it was me that changed

  • Like 1
Posted
Just thought I'd give an update on what's been going on. Again, I appreciate the different views that ya'll have chosen to share with me. I do think without knowing the whole story that some have condemned me a bit harshly for something that has only ever occurred in my head and that the friend and I have never crossed that boundary (ie. Never told each other we wanted to be together, no physical intimacy, etc). I don't want to leave my husband for this friend either. I will however, take the advice and not cheat.

 

Were someone to stalk and secretly photograph you, they might maintain they "never crossed that boundary". And yet I'd guess you'd feel they were engaged in dangerous and inappropriate activity. Sometimes intent is as important as results...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Posted
Just thought I'd give an update on what's been going on. Again, I appreciate the different views that ya'll have chosen to share with me. I do think without knowing the whole story that some have condemned me a bit harshly for something that has only ever occurred in my head and that the friend and I have never crossed that boundary (ie. Never told each other we wanted to be together, no physical intimacy, etc). I don't want to leave my husband for this friend either. I will however, take the advice and not cheat.

 

I have taken a step back from this friend and I force myself not to jump at my phone every time it pings. The past week has given me better perspective on why I feel the way I do.

 

My husband and I have lived together for almost seven years now so I'm pretty used to how he is. I got with him because he is a loyal, honest, intelligent man with a great sense of humor. He made me feel comfortable and he committed to me whole heartedly.

 

He has always been kind of grumpy, but I thought that it was rather endearing until he started having real "adult" problems like college, work, paying bills, etc. Then it came off as he was unwilling to work hard enough to make things right in his life. Some have suggested that I've been enabling him, but he's my partner and I thought it was my job to be a source of unending support and understanding. This has been going for so long now that I feel like I've lost a part of myself and I feel stagnant.

 

We had a talk the other day about how I was feeling and I have my first therapy appointment soon. He didn't understand how I felt because I have so many great things going for me and how could I feel like something was wrong when he didn't see anything wrong with us at all. He was supportive of my decision to go to therapy. I'm hoping I come away from my session with a better understanding on what I can do to improve my relationship with my husband and feel like I'm actually moving forward in a healthy and compatible direction with him.

 

Good start. if you don't have boundaries its not a question of if an affair will result but when. You need to cut this guy out before its too late. You came here for a reason. The grass always looks greener on the other side until you get there.

 

Read a few of the results from the forums. DO NOT GO THERE!

 

Its much easier to work on what you have than to recover from an affair.

 

Keep the communication going. Men can be dumb about daily life and think things are great when they aren't. Tell Him!!!!

Posted

 

My husband and I have lived together for almost seven years now so I'm pretty used to how he is. I got with him because he is a loyal, honest, intelligent man with a great sense of humor. He made me feel comfortable and he committed to me whole heartedly.

 

He has always been kind of grumpy, but I thought that it was rather endearing until he started having real "adult" problems like college, work, paying bills, etc. Then it came off as he was unwilling to work hard enough to make things right in his life.

 

 

.

 

 

 

There is likely a host of things going on here, but part of it is you have lost respect for him due to his lack of initiative and bad attitude and that has killed what little sexual attraction you had for him.

 

 

When you look at the traits that attracted you to him in the first place, it is things like security and loyalty and commitment etc. Those are pure 'beta' traits. You said nothing about his rippling biceps and washboard abz and seeming ability to conquer the world ('alpha')

 

 

With his lack of 'alpha', you've basically grown bored and restless. When OM came along, he triggered your dormant sexuality and gave you that "rush" that you haven't felt in long time.

 

 

That rush is often mistaken for love and while you are full of exhileration hormones for OM, you start finding faults in your husband. It turns into a viscous cycle where OM starts seeming to be perfect and everything you've wanted and H seems to do no right and you start rewriting history and convince yourself it never should've been and that you married the wrong person from the get-go.

 

 

Now your H does bare some responsibility in moving forward if you two are to have a successful, long term marriage. If he doesn't step up to the plate, this is just going to happen again with some other guy and that other guy may be hotter and bolder and more assertive than this guy and your panties will hit the floor and that will be all she wrote.

 

 

Your husband is going to have to step up to the plate and address his issues and get with the program. No woman can desire a man that she has to take care of and be the responsible party. That is what mothering is and mothers in general do not desire their sons.

 

 

It's admirable and a positive thing that you are going to therapy to address your issues. However IMHO your frustration and disappointment in your H is legitimate and if he doesn't address his issues and get with the program it will just be a matter of time before you are riding some different guy like a big white horse.

 

 

My advice is be honest and upfront with your therapist on what you need from your husband to keep your shoes parked under his bed. Your therapist can help you address these things with him and assist you in obtaining marital counseling where both of you can work on these things together as a couple.

 

 

You have dodged this particular bullet so far. But without changing the fundamental dynamics in your relationship with your H, there is another bullet (or two or three or four) with your name on it.

Posted

 

Some background: I married my high school sweetheart a couple of years ago and I am thoroughly committed to our relationship. I promised to never leave him and always to take care of him.

 

 

 

 

.

unstable about it with the way things are between my husband and myself.

 

I just don't know what to do, but I'm so tired of not being able to tell anyone.

 

 

. Any thoughts or ideas? At this point, I'd even welcome a bit of "stop being such a wimp" advice.

 

 

OK here is where I tell you not to be wimp.

 

 

Since the title of this thread is "committed" and in your opening statement you have said that you are "totally committed" to your marriage, let's talk about what commitment really means.

 

 

Commitment doesn't mean that you just grit your teeth and endure agony. It doesn't mean that you just sit in the wheelhouse and watch the ship go down with all hands to a watery grave.

 

 

That's not commitment.

 

 

Commitment is doing everything in your power to make it right and make it livable and reasonable so that you can live it indefinitely.

 

 

That means you have to stand up and address what is wrong and state upfront what needs to take place in order for you to be good to go for the long term. Commitment means you stick your neck out at the risk of being judged and state up front what your needs are and what your deal breakers are, even if other people don't like them or agree with them.

 

 

If you are actually committed to being in a long term marriage where you will stay out of other men's beds, you need to be upfront and honest about what you need to good in your husbands bed.

 

 

That will be hard and uncomfortable. you may not want to say it and he may not want to hear it, but it is the reality and it is what needs to occur for you to be committed to your marriage and not simply a martyr dedicated to a life of pain and suffering.

 

 

Martyrs aren't fun and interesting and sexy and lovable and no one wants to be around them. If you martyr yourself and live a life of pain and suffering, your husband stands just as good a chance of finding someone else that's fun and sexy and leaves you behind to wallow in your despair.

 

 

You both need to become fun and interesting and sexy for each other. That will take work and effort at the moment because things have been allowed to go stale.

 

 

Commitment isn't simply enduring your husband's issues and his failures to satisfy you. Commitment is doing the work to address those issues and being bold and honest enough to state your needs and to state what you can't live a healthy and happy with and without.

 

 

Commitment is action, not inaction.

  • Like 3
Posted

Hi Old shirt, You nailed it good and hard. I think that bit of advice out does anything a therapist or counsellor may offer and it is free to boot. Raleigh would do herself a great disservice if she were to ignore it. Keep it coming!

Posted

Hi Old shirt, You nailed it good and hard. I think that bit of advice out does anything a therapist or counsellor may offer and it is free to boot. Raleigh would do herself a great disservice if she were to ignore it. Keep it coming!

Posted

Do you think your husband is holding you back in life? how old are you guys ?

 

 

How much do your incomes differ ? Does he have future prospective career wise ?

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