DevilsAngel Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 Im having a huge battle in my head about how to feel about all this and I need some outsider advice...(please note all names have been changed) My boyfriend, Jake, (24) and I (25) have been going out a month so far and its going great except for one thing and that is that his ex, Alison. It's not a huge deal but Im worried that it will turn into one before too long and I really dont want it to get that way. I want to make it perfectly clear that whilst she may or may not want him back, Im not worried about Jake cheating. I trust him completely on that part. Due to Alison being best friends with Jake's best mate's girlfriend, Anna, they still all hang out together all the time. And I am not invited. This is the part I have the problem with. Anna and Matt (the bf's best mate) have said they would like to meet me to which I told my boyfriend that sounds great but Jake has yet to arrange anything. So I have not met them properly yet. This weekend, they are all going camping. Jake, Matt, Anna and Alison along with Matts family. I thought I might be invited if I show interest, but I havent been. When I asked who he was going with he said everyone and then mumbled Alisons name really quickly so I might miss it but I caught it. Like I said, I dont have a problem with her being there, but I wish he was more open and honest with me about it. When he goes out with them, he avoids telling me shes there and if he sends me pictures, he'll send them of everyone except her and it feels like hes hiding it from me. I think he's trying to spare my feelings but instead its doing the opposite cos I already know shes there. Jake and Alison didnt break up that long ago and when they hang out with Matt and Anna, apart from the obvious, its like theyre on a double-date and Im the other woman. I feel like I should be the one invited over her or even as well as!! I have no problem with Alison being there, just that because she's there, I never get to go out with my boyfriend with them. I dont know if Jakes trying to spare Alisons feelings by not rubbing his new relationship in her face, but actually, its hurting me instead. Should I not be invited over his ex? I'll just sound like a psychotic crazy girlfriend if I bring it up with him. I said that I was fine with him hanging around Alison. And I meant it but I didnt mean it at the expense of me being left out. I want him to understand but Im so scared of turning this into an argument. We havent had our first argument yet and its only been a month but to me this is an issue. Im just so confused on what to do. I want to sort it out but Im worried he'll think Im stopping him from seeing her or something like that. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to bring it up and I dont even know if Im just assuming, Please just some insight on this situation would be great. Maybe try and explain a guys POV? Thank you
kendahke Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 (edited) 1. They can invite (or not invite) whoever they wish to their outting. 2. The onus was on Jake to insist that an invitation be extended to you if they wanted him to attend their outting. He didn't do that. THAT is your problem here. You may need to bring that up with him, but is it something that you're willing to end this relationship over? It may lead to that, so be prepared for the consequences of any action you decide to take. I said that I was fine with him hanging around Alison. And I meant it but I didnt mean it at the expense of me being left out. Perhaps that was something you needed to have added to that. At least he would have known this caveat to your agreeing to his hanging out with his ex. I want him to understand but Im so scared of turning this into an argument. We havent had our first argument yet and its only been a month but to me this is an issue. Why does it have to devolve into an argument? Why can't this be a discussion between two adults? Edited September 4, 2015 by kendahke 4
PaperCrane Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 It's common courtesy to invite a mates gf with them on a trip if they're available. Not extending that invite makes me feel off. His actions of mumbling shows he doesn't feel proud about it. He may not be fully over her. Not many people do, even years later. Maybe it hurts him to see her and he feels bad about it. You won't sound psycho, you'll sound like someone with healthy boundaries. As a man, with an ex whom I talk to, I let any girl I'm seeing know we communicate. I let them know when, what, how, and why each and every time. That they have no way back in with me and it is purely platonic. I hide nothing. His hiding shows shame, imho. Just converse with him about it, you have a right to know what's going on in your budding relationship and if there's anything you can do to help. It's on him ultimately, but I'd like to know more about why, so the focus can be on the resolution over intangible possibilities. Although, if my GF went on a trip with a recent ex and I wasn't sent an invite I would be upset. 2
Author DevilsAngel Posted September 4, 2015 Author Posted September 4, 2015 Thanks, Kendahke I am aware that it's up to Jake to ask me and not the group but when it's a couple and an ex-couple, I find that extremely weird...very tv show-esque!! And if one gf is invited, I'd have thought Jake would at some point ask me too, but to no avail! Believe me, at this point there is no question of the relationship ending in my eyes as he has done nothing wrong and certainly not intentionally. I wouldnt want to be invited every time but when "its difficult to get them all together", it seems strange that he wouldnt take the opportunity as a chance to introduce us all. And I'll happily have an open discussion about it but I'm not sure what he's like in this tyoe of situation. I'm pretty sure he's more of the discussing type than the arguing type but my ex whom I went out with for 8 years was a huge arguer (and pretty scarily so) and I really dont want that.
Author DevilsAngel Posted September 4, 2015 Author Posted September 4, 2015 Thanks, PaperCrane Yes, I thought that too. I invited him out with my friends a week after we started going out and assumed this was normal. It never occurred to me that I wouldnt be invited for this long :/ With regards to not being over her, I get that but neither of them are helping the situation by hanging out with each other constantly. I figured that I trust him until he gives me reason not to and he's so far, I've had no issues with that. Im not sure about her end though! Which bit is he ashamed of? Me or talking to his ex still? I dont think they really talk unless they are with their best mates. And thats also my point - I dont feel like I have the right to tell him not to go. I never have nor will ever be that type of person but I feel like if this hanging out with Alison is a regular thing and hes not saying she's there, Im going to get hurt by it eventually if its excluding me. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 Are you sure you aren't the other woman? Something is off about this scenario.
nescafe1982 Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 I think it's on your new boyfriend to make it clear that if he's going to be there, so are you. I think that if this bother you (and it's totally reasonable... this is a boundary issue as PaperCrane said), you should bring it up to the boyfriend. I don't think the other couple are excluding you for any sinister reason, other than out of respect for their friend (your BF's ex) and a general desire to avoid awkwardness. BUT that said, you are a feature in his life, and they should respect that once your BF makes that clear to them.
ThisisIt606 Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 I think it's extremely weird you weren't invited. Almost like they are living in the past and going out on a group date " like the good ol days". Even though the family is coming I'm sure there are going to be times when Matt and his gf go off together to do things. So that leaves jake and his ex? She's the old gf, the one who didn't work out. He should be going on dates with his CURRENT gf and bringing his CURRENT gf to meet his friends. Something seems fishy, it's on jake to ask you to go and stand up to his ex and tell her sorry, I have a new girl... We are broken up and news flash you don't go on dates with your ex. Jake seems like he has a choice to make... Can't have the best of both worlds. If he can't chose you, and start acting like a bf, you might want to consider leaving him.
PaperCrane Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 Thanks, PaperCrane Yes, I thought that too. I invited him out with my friends a week after we started going out and assumed this was normal. It never occurred to me that I wouldnt be invited for this long :/ With regards to not being over her, I get that but neither of them are helping the situation by hanging out with each other constantly. I figured that I trust him until he gives me reason not to and he's so far, I've had no issues with that. Im not sure about her end though! Which bit is he ashamed of? Me or talking to his ex still? I dont think they really talk unless they are with their best mates. And thats also my point - I dont feel like I have the right to tell him not to go. I never have nor will ever be that type of person but I feel like if this hanging out with Alison is a regular thing and hes not saying she's there, Im going to get hurt by it eventually if its excluding me. He's probably ashamed of both. Ashamed he can't be open and 100% transparent about the situation.
sandylee1 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Ok. It's just been a month, so I'm bearing that in mind with my thoughts here. I'd be ticked off too, but give it a few more months..... Like 2 to 3 months and see if anything changes. I'm that time, don't fall so deep in love with him, because you could get hurt badly. Reassess the situation in a couple of months and if you haven't met the friends and Jake isn't bringing you .......then move on. Don't invest your energy in it. Why did they split up? How long were they together? How did you meet?
Maggie4 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Don't be afraid to bring up an issue. You are just being honest. As long as you don't do it in a confrontational way. Ok, it's only been a month, but his ex is part of his group of friends, and will remain so in the future. He is between a rock and a hard place, and he knows it. What's he gonna do the next time there is a group activity? He's got a gf and an ex, that's two women... something's got to give!
h0000 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 What I find weird is you two would call it a relationship after just one month. But, if its a normal relationship, he should invite you period.
Gaeta Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Your problem is : You don't have a problem with it. Stop Not having a problem. I read through your post and read a lot of Jake and Alison something BUT I don't have a problem. By wanting to play cool with having his ex around you end up sitting in the back seat of your own relationship. It's time you have a problem with all this. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Your problem is : You don't have a problem with it. Stop Not having a problem. I read through your post and read a lot of Jake and Alison something BUT I don't have a problem. By wanting to play cool with having his ex around you end up sitting in the back seat of your own relationship. It's time you have a problem with all this. This exactly. OP, why are you so hesitant to have a direct discussion about how this makes you feel? I don't know any women who would be totally okay with their boyfriends hanging out with their exes, and even going on trips with them...while they don't get an invitation at all. It's crazy that you are excluded in this way. Speak up for yourself. 1
katiegrl Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 (edited) This exactly. OP, why are you so hesitant to have a direct discussion about how this makes you feel? I don't know any women who would be totally okay with their boyfriends hanging out with their exes, and even going on trips with them...while they don't get an invitation at all. It's crazy that you are excluded in this way. Speak up for yourself. Absolutely 100% agree with you and Gaeta! The entire situation as the OP described it ....and the fact the OP appears to be okay with it, or even struggling with her feelings about it, is one of the most fu*ked up things I have read on this board. In what world is it okay for one's boyfriend to hang out, take weekend trips, etc with his EX .... to the exclusion of his CURRENT girlfriend? This would be a dealbreaker for me..... after only a month of dating, I'd just walk. Too much drama for only one month dating. Life is too short. Find another guy who isn't still hung up on his ex. And don't think he's not, cause he is.... he knows it, and his friends know it. Edited September 5, 2015 by katiegrl
elaine567 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Jake and Alison - Who dumped who and why?
katiegrl Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 (edited) Jake and Alison - Who dumped who and why? Does it matter? Jake's friends told him they would like to meet his current girlfriend, the OP! He hasn't wanted to do that (translation - does not want them to meet her) ...but yet is still keen to hang out and now take a weekend camping trip with them and his EX (Allison) .... while his current girlfriend, the OP gets left behind. Not okay. After only one month, which is nothing, dealbreaker. Choose wisely, and your heart won't get ripped to shreds by men not yet over their ex's. Edited September 5, 2015 by katiegrl
elaine567 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Does it matter? I see what you are saying, it IS a moot point, who dumped who, when Jake and Alison are going on a double date/family camping trip anyway. He should have asked the OP to go too, or if it was one of those old friend/family trips and a stranger would have made it awkward, then he should have said "I'll pass this time." and not go either. 1
katiegrl Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I see what you are saying, it IS a moot point, who dumped who, when Jake and Alison are going on a double date/family camping trip anyway. He should have asked the OP to go too, or if it was one of those old friend/family trips and a stranger would have made it awkward, then he should have said "I'll pass this time." and not go either. There is no family involved in this sceanaio elaine, they are all just friends. So I agree there is NO reason for him not to want her there (which let's face it, he doesn't).... other than he would rather spend that time with his EX.
elaine567 Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 There is no family involved in this sceanaio elaine, they are all just friends. So I agree there is NO reason for him not to want her there (which let's face it, he doesn't).... other than he would rather spend that time with his EX. There IS family involved. This weekend, they are all going camping. Jake, Matt, Anna and Alison along with Matts family.
katiegrl Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 There IS family involved. Oops sorry....missed that! Even when I went back to re-read it!! My bad. Gotta read more closely next time.... 1
MovingOnIsHard Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 This doesnt sound like an ideal situation for you.. It never is when an ex is involved. If you are his current gf right now, he should put more priority over you. It's even more disconcerting that he is not over his ex yet, as you mentioned. And now he is going on a trip with her, without you. Does that make you feel like you're the other woman? Also, do you get the feeling that your bf's friends are wishing he was back with his ex, and things can be just like "the good old days"? Its sometimes hard to separate a partner from his friends, to the point where if you want to get along with the bf you have to get along with his close friends too. Reminds me of that Spice Girls song.. To me, this whole situation with the ex is wrong, and crossing boundaries. I would definitely drop this guy. Nothing but drama and heartbreak can come out from this. 1
kendahke Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Also, do you get the feeling that your bf's friends are wishing he was back with his ex, and things can be just like "the good old days"? This ^^^ I mean, they have to know that they're broken up by now, no?
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