Samuel_22 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 What is wrong here? seriously, I don't get it anymore, I don't know whether I am losing it all, or there is something definitely wrong with the world or there is something seriously wrong with me...I am on day 22 of no contact, my ex officially broke up with me 30 days ago to go back to her ex, ever since, I have tried to look everywhere to find someone who is attractive, to move on, some people here advised me against it, but I thought I should do something, and I should find someone even more attractive to forget about her completely, initially I had the feeling she would come back (I still do) and I don't want to be alone by then because I don't want to take her back...Now the problem is not only don't I see anyone more attractive, I don't see anyone as attractive as she was...What am I doing wrong? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zagan Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 It probably has something to do with the fact you have been hurt and aren't ready to start anything new. It's only been 30 days. You shouldn't be focusing on something new until you have healed yourself. You wanting to be with somebody new for when she 'comes back' is a pretty strange reason to want to move on and start something fresh. Not to mention it would be slightly unfair to any new girl you enter any kind of relationship with unless it's just sexual for you both. We don't have to be in the throes of a new relationship in order to prove to our exes that we can be successful without them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
quattrob Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 What you're doing wrong is you're trying to use/find something or someone else to move on. Moving on takes time and you need to not rely on finding "someone else" to do so, you need to work on yourself and rely on yourself to move on, only then you can truly move on. And it's a bad idea to jump into another relationship when you haven't recovered from the previous, you'll just hurt yourself and others. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samuel_22 Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 It probably has something to do with the fact you have been hurt and aren't ready to start anything new. It's only been 30 days. You shouldn't be focusing on something new until you have healed yourself. You wanting to be with somebody new for when she 'comes back' is a pretty strange reason to want to move on and start something fresh. Not to mention it would be slightly unfair to any new girl you enter any kind of relationship with unless it's just sexual for you both. We don't have to be in the throes of a new relationship in order to prove to our exes that we can be successful without them. Zegan it is not that I want to prove anything to anyone, It is that I am tired of being who I am, I am tired of seeing these strange nightmares, night after night after night...I am just tired of sitting at my computer, opening up tarot sites, oracles BS like a maniac, in desperation to see whether she is going to come back or not...I am tired of places that remind me of her, mainly the school I teach...yeah she has left that freaking school but, every nook and cranny of that doomed place reminds me of her, she was my colleague, I am tired of it all, I just need to get rid of it all, and I don't want to start a rebound, I want to get into a serious relationship to forget her for good Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samuel_22 Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 What you're doing wrong is you're trying to use/find something or someone else to move on. Moving on takes time and you need to not rely on finding "someone else" to do so, you need to work on yourself and rely on yourself to move on, only then you can truly move on. And it's a bad idea to jump into another relationship when you haven't recovered from the previous, you'll just hurt yourself and others. Well I am starting to think, It is not going to heal on its own, I was so in love with her, and she decided she was happier with her ex (or so she thought)... now this love thing is not going to heal on its own, I am just tired of the situation I am stranded in...it feels like freaking cell Link to post Share on other sites
Zagan Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Entering a 'serious relationship to forget her for good' isn't a genuine reason to start a relationship with somebody. You are clearly still very hurt and angry and in despair about a lot of things regarding this woman and your relationship, and until you have healed and are thinking/feeling differently you can't be serious about anybody else. The fact you can't even become attracted to somebody new right now should show you that. You're still in the stage where any woman you meet you will be comparing them to her and everything about her. That isn't fair on you or any new prospect. You are obsessing over whether she will come back or not and it's driving you mad, all of these are clear indicators you are not ready. Stop reading tarot sites and oracles. As interesting as the occult is it will tell you nothing. Especially not websites! The answers are so vague and uninformative that they can be associated with anything you want them to be that is occuring in your life. The answers you get are what you want to hear, and truth doesn't even enter into it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samuel_22 Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Entering a 'serious relationship to forget her for good' isn't a genuine reason to start a relationship with somebody. You are clearly still very hurt and angry and in despair about a lot of things regarding this woman and your relationship, and until you have healed and are thinking/feeling differently you can't be serious about anybody else. The fact you can't even become attracted to somebody new right now should show you that. You're still in the stage where any woman you meet you will be comparing them to her and everything about her. That isn't fair on you or any new prospect. You are obsessing over whether she will come back or not and it's driving you mad, all of these are clear indicators you are not ready. Stop reading tarot sites and oracles. As interesting as the occult is it will tell you nothing. Especially not websites! The answers are so vague and uninformative that they can be associated with anything you want them to be that is occuring in your life. The answers you get are what you want to hear, and truth doesn't even enter into it. Yes, the main problem is that I don't even believe in these things...I don't know why I keep doing it, specially I am determined not to take her back...fair enough, I suppose you are right I am not ready, It can't be true that no one is attractive, I am going to wait...I think this at least doesn't cause the frustration... Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 You aren't attracted to anyone else bc you still have feelings (whether + or -) for your ex. Part of finding someone attractive has to do with more than just looks. I know what you mean by you don't want to be that person anymore but it will happen. But forcing yourself to find someone new will just make you feel worse and defeated. do you want to meet someone new so you are even with your ex? If she can move on then so can you type thing? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I'm kind with you OP. I'm not sure this is entirely b/c you still have feelings for the ex. I've recently gotten back on OKCupid, and the even semi-attractive women on there are like f*cking celebrities IRL. Reddit has a great sub about that site. An OKC 10 is like a RL 6. Anyway, I don't think I'm some Adonis, but the frequency of questionable attractiveness on there is disappointing for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 do you want to meet someone new so you are even with your ex? If she can move on then so can you type thing? I'm two months in and not found anyone. My Ex already has a new gentleman caller. I don't care, good for her. She's been working hard to hookup and get the sexual release she obviously needed to move on with. Me? Not at all. I don't feel attracted to anyone at the moment. I've been on a few dates. They were nice and helped a lot, but there's nothing there between us beyond dinner and a decent chat. I felt no attraction, even though they've been charming women. The difference between my Ex and I is that I can't just go out and sleep with the first woman who spreads her legs. It hurts me that my Ex has moved on so easily, just walked away like the whole relationship meant nothing, that I meant nothing. Easily replaced, no questions asked. F*** YOU! Good, I hope he makes you happy, that he's incredible in bed and that you both have a happy relationship based on getting laid twice a day. I don't see myself truly "ready" to be with someone until the bad taste my Ex left is gone completely. Will I love again? Will I feel attraction again? Will someone make me feel special again? Yes, yes, and yes. It will happen, but I can't force it. So, I'm focusing on other aspects of my life for now and one day, without even thinking about it I'll be ready to try again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I don't see myself truly "ready" to be with someone until the bad taste my Ex left is gone completely. Will I love again? Will I feel attraction again? Will someone make me feel special again? Yes, yes, and yes. It will happen, but I can't force it. So, I'm focusing on other aspects of my life for now and one day, without even thinking about it I'll be ready to try again.Good points. I still think there's nothing wrong with dating BEFORE that bad taste is washed from you. I think you can still develop a connection with someone before that "happens". And anyway, you're not gonna wake up one day going, "I'm over her!" You'll just gradually lose the anger, sadness etc. until you realize you don't care that much anymore. It's gonna take longer than 2 months. More like 2 years. My advice? Be VERY picky. If we were pickier in the first place, we most likely wouldn't have found ourselves mistreated like this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mitchapalooza Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I'm two months in and not found anyone. My Ex already has a new gentleman caller. I don't care, good for her. She's been working hard to hookup and get the sexual release she obviously needed to move on with. Me? Not at all. I don't feel attracted to anyone at the moment. I've been on a few dates. They were nice and helped a lot, but there's nothing there between us beyond dinner and a decent chat. I felt no attraction, even though they've been charming women. The difference between my Ex and I is that I can't just go out and sleep with the first woman who spreads her legs. It hurts me that my Ex has moved on so easily, just walked away like the whole relationship meant nothing, that I meant nothing. Easily replaced, no questions asked. F*** YOU! Good, I hope he makes you happy, that he's incredible in bed and that you both have a happy relationship based on getting laid twice a day. I don't see myself truly "ready" to be with someone until the bad taste my Ex left is gone completely. Will I love again? Will I feel attraction again? Will someone make me feel special again? Yes, yes, and yes. It will happen, but I can't force it. So, I'm focusing on other aspects of my life for now and one day, without even thinking about it I'll be ready to try again. She will regret "moving on" so fast Gus. I'm in my anger phase so I'm sorry to say that I hope she gets burned by the dude! Or whatever, I hope you get to your goal of indifference and down the road find a woman who actually deserves your love. Grrr people suck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Reddit has a great sub about that site. An OKC 10 is like a RL 6. My Ex had her hair, nails and makeup done professionally, sexy new clothes on and had professional photos taken of her. She put all these pics on her OKCupid profile. I'll admit, she looked amazing in them, she really did. But in reality she's nowhere near that. She's not the kinda woman who maintains that standard on a daily basis. In those lovely pics she's an 9, in reality she's maybe a 3. Also, the fact that her "The most private thing I'm willing to admit" answer is: 'I walk around my house half naked most of the time' isn't begging for it, I don't know what is. Gross. Most the women on those sites are bottom feeders, not all of them, but quite a few. Tinder is even worse, but nice if you're into hookups. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 What is wrong here? I am sorry to say it, but this is a no-brainer. Focus on other things than women. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Most the women on those sites are bottom feeders, not all of them, but quite a few.I met my recent ex on OKC. And now I'm jumping back into that same wasteland. What is wrong with me?! I have this Groucho Marx-eqsue belief that I shouldn't be dating ANYONE who's on there in the first place, because of the fact that they're on there. I feel like the only way I'm gonna meet someone right is to meet them naturally, IRL, without trying or wanting to, and getting to know them through work, school or some other venue where you're not even TRYING to make a connection. Online dating is the internet equivalent of trying to force a square peg in a round hole. Fact is, it's very, very hard to find a good partner. That said, I've got a few dates lined up from there, so whatever. Conversations can be fun at least. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 We don't have to be in the throes of a new relationship in order to prove to our exes that we can be successful without them.So true. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
mitchapalooza Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 What is wrong here? seriously, I don't get it anymore, I don't know whether I am losing it all, or there is something definitely wrong with the world or there is something seriously wrong with me...I am on day 22 of no contact, my ex officially broke up with me 30 days ago to go back to her ex, ever since, I have tried to look everywhere to find someone who is attractive, to move on, some people here advised me against it, but I thought I should do something, and I should find someone even more attractive to forget about her completely, initially I had the feeling she would come back (I still do) and I don't want to be alone by then because I don't want to take her back...Now the problem is not only don't I see anyone more attractive, I don't see anyone as attractive as she was...What am I doing wrong? Samuel I think you are two weeks ahead of me in this process. I know everyone heals differently but from your posts. I feel like we are in the same struggle. And now its Friday. And the last place I want to be is in a bar fending off trolls. Or worse! Acting like a troll myself. Or WORSE, going home with some guy (or girl for you) and randomly hooking up and waking up with a troll. HAHA I agree that I am not finding anyone attractive either. I think its because we not only found our ex a-holes physically attractive physically but the bond with that person also made them attractive.There is no way you can find that spark again and be excited about someone until the memory fades of your last relationship. But hey pack up some condoms just in case 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I feel like the only way I'm gonna meet someone right is to meet them naturally, IRL, without trying or wanting to, and getting to know them through work, school or some other venue where you're not even TRYING to make a connection. Online dating is the internet equivalent of trying to force a square peg in a round hole. Fact is, it's very, very hard to find a good partner. That said, I've got a few dates lined up from there, so whatever. Conversations can be fun at least. I like that analogy, it's so true. Dude, you're very insightful and have a very keen understanding about life and relationships. There ARE awesome quality women on those sites, but you have to wade through a sea of mediocrity to find them. It's just one avenue of many to meet people. You're right, it can be daunting to find someone these days. At least you're keeping an open mind and not putting so much thought into it. Just go out, have some fun and who knows? Maybe you'll end up having coffee with a really cool and interesting woman. Just don't get discouraged, keep it simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 My ex wasn't even attractive... it's not just about looks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Dude, you're very insightful and have a very keen understanding about life and relationships. There ARE awesome quality women on those sites, but you have to wade through a sea of mediocrity to find them. It's just one avenue of many to meet people. You're right, it can be daunting to find someone these days. At least you're keeping an open mind and not putting so much thought into it. Just go out, have some fun and who knows? Maybe you'll end up having coffee with a really cool and interesting woman. Just don't get discouraged, keep it simple. Thanks Gus. I feel the same about you. Burgeoning bromance? Lol. Yeah, exactly. Just the fact that we are getting dates is an encouraging sign. And we're learning not to settle and to heed so-called "red flags" (though they are in everyone, so it's important to know which are your deal-breaker RFs). No more 21-year-old for me. Nor bisexuals. I'm learning, one heartbreak at a time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drseuss Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 You must stop comparing and be willing to give new people a chance for long enough to see what's beyond physical atracrion 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Sam, it took you more than 30 days to develop the relationship that you and to get to the point when your relationship was at its best. So you are not going to just get over it without any fallout in 30 days. And replacing a serious relationship with another serious relationship in 30 days is not only completely unrealistic, it is unhealthy. Losing a significant other is like a death in many ways. One needs to grieve. One needs to go through the stages of grief and learn to adapt and accept the loss in a healthy manner and learn to move on with their new life without that person. You are still giving her too much space in your head. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samuel_22 Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 I just needed to go out and visit an old friend of mine whose wife left him last week with 2 kids, and he was totally devastated, is there anything in the air, causing so many break ups I wonder? lol I am really surprised and can't thank you enough for all your replies, it is really good to know I am not the only one who thinks people are not attractive after a break up...so it is quite normal, it is such a relief...yes you are right... I am forcing myself to see someone new, and start a relationship, which is completely unhealthy at best, I am going to take it easy, I dunno, I feel bad to say this, but visiting the old friend I talked about, made me realize there are worse scenarios in the world, which are a lot worse than my scenario... it was so painful that I didn't even dare talk about my hilarious break up, at least my ex and I were not married, no kids, nothing... Thank you all ladies and gentlemen! I feel much better now...I can't thank you enough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Thanks Gus. I feel the same about you. Burgeoning bromance? Lol. *wink* *wink* :love: Yeah, exactly. Just the fact that we are getting dates is an encouraging sign. And we're learning not to settle and to heed so-called "red flags" (though they are in everyone, so it's important to know which are your deal-breaker RFs).: True, we mustn't jump ship at the first sign of turbulent waters. I think the more experience we gain through practical experience the better equipped we'll be at recognizing "red flags". Even though I've grown, I still have much to learn. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I am forcing myself to see someone new, and start a relationship, which is completely unhealthy at best, I am going to take it easy, I dunno, I feel bad to say this, but visiting the old friend I talked about, made me realize there are worse scenarios in the world, which are a lot worse than my scenario... it was so painful that I didn't even dare talk about my hilarious break up, at least my ex and I were not married, no kids, nothing... Thank you all ladies and gentlemen! I feel much better now...I can't thank you enough Sam, you need to heal man. Don't sweat it. I'm right there with you. The most revealing thing I learned from my Breakup was that I gave "me" up to accommodate my Ex and ultimately lost any semblance of who I thought I was. So now it's about reconnecting with myself, working on myself because in that relationship the "me" disappeared. I need to learn to be independent again because I've been co-dependent for so long. I'm rediscovering lost passions and new found joys beyond the relationship. I feel doing this, working on myself, returning to form, reclaiming who I am will only benefit me when that day arrives and I meet 'her'. You can't gauge success on how others view you, it's how you see yourself that matters. Your insecurity is derived from lack of confidence and low self-image as a result of your breakup. All that other stuff is just dust in your eye man, blink it away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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