A Progress report and a Thank you

April 14, 2015

Good Afternoon all,

I need help and opinions getting through this tough time.

I recently got out of a 11 month relationship with my first love 3 months ago now. She was my everything, petite, wonderful, smart, funny and beautiful.

I met her in February 2014, at the time I used to use recreational drugs such as Cocaine, I wasn't addicted I would just use if I ever went out to the big city on a night out, like most of us young ones these days!

I was 20 and she was 18 at the time.

A couple of months into our relationship I went out with some friends and used the drug, I went out for a cigarette and was quite intoxicated with alcohol. A girl proceeded to come upto me and ask for a lighter, we started talking, just general chit chat. After 10 minutes passed she said ' I'm going inside' I said 'okay' she hugged me, pulled back and kissed me.

It took me 3-5 seconds to push her off an say 'no, I'm sorry I have a girlfriend'. In the end I have accepted that I cheated. Part of me didn't stop, even though in my heart I pulled away, something didn't stop me, I would never live that down.

Months past and I didn't mention it, until then guilt hit me like a brick wall, I seeked a councellor, developed anxiety and was guilt ridden that I commited such a terrible act, because it being my first love, first proper girlfriend, I felt awful.

I proceeded to tell her, she cried, she branded me as a cheater, humiliated me in front of all my friends and family and I thought I deserved every bit of it, I proceeded to prove to her that I could right my wrong.

Things were on the up, obviously stuff changed but I was working my hardest everyday to make it right.

One night she called me after she finished work as she worked in a bar and said a regular who was a married man 'kissed her' she classed it as not cheating, strange coincidence it had to happen weeks after I disclosed my information?

She was in complete denial, on the night of her telling me she was drunk on the phone, saying what happened wasn't bad and that what I did was terrible.

If she would of said 'I've kissed someone' I would of just replied 'fine, can we move forward and work through together' but she didn't.

Then, my life turned upside down when I lost my granddad in October who was like a Father figure in my life, I looked after him when he was ill, she was still being distant, playing mind games before this happened, I lost my best friend and my life was spiralling out of control, I was a state.

On the day he died I called her crying my eyes out, I asked her I wanted to see her just so I could hug her, she said 'Be with your family' I asked if I could call her later and possibly meet up she said 'okay'

I called her, she went to the pub where she worked for a drink, said she could only speak for 10 minutes and I could hear the man who kissed her in the background.

My Grandad's funeral was on a Tuesday, on the Thursday she called me 'saying I found out you lied to me about that night in the club' and she proceeded to carry on hurting me, and there was no lie. She proceeded to break up with me 2 days after his funeral, blaming me for the whole demise of the relationship, I was so hurt and confused I had no words.

3 weeks past we contacted each other about giving stuff back, we met up and went for a drink.

She asked if I'd been with anyone in those 3 weeks I said no, she slept with her ex days after the break up. I felt sick my stomach dropped and hurt was hurt. Even though we were broken up, all I could see was him, it consumed me.

I said to her 'I'm going to give it a couple of months, if I can't see past it, I can't be here'

She agreed.

In these 2 months true colours started to show, she was very self-centred, only wanted to what she wanted, was never interested in my day and still thrown the past in my face, even when she said 'I don't care what happened before, its not what I care about'.

When we broke up for those 3 weeks, she told her family all of my personal secrets, also called me a drug addict, a cheater and even told her mother that I slept with someone just to try and paint me out as this terrible person when I didn't sleep with anyone, just so she didn't look bad and deflect blame.

She would just sit on her phone and not bother making conversation only when she suited, i then decided this wasn't for me anymore, she never even listened when I wanted to talk about my granddad.

I then left her, she went mad, 'saying its no excuse, your a cheat, I cant believe you' the sleeping with the ex played a part, but she had a destructive personality.

Even though we had broken up, sleeping with her ex days after, I never used it against her, but whenever we would cuddle, all I could see was him.

She would use this technique on saying something or stating a fact, then months later in passing conversation she would say 'I didn't say that' so it made me think I was going crazy.

I would like your thoughts, was I irrational? Could anyone else be able to see through this?

Your thoughts are welcome,

Thanks,

Pyramid Song.

April 14, 2015

You dodged a bullet.

Be thankful. You are young. Move on.

Try to keep cocaine and that **** out of your life, man. You are better than that.

April 14, 2015

Love is crazy guys, Im not reffering to this topic but generally. Eventhough, deep inside we know exactly all the flaws of our ex's, we still love them, is't that strange?

Pyramidsong, first of all you have to understand that all these "First love" relationships, they never last. NEVER. Be happy that your First love was actually such a B**CH.

April 14, 2015

You dodged a bullet.

Be thankful. You are young. Move on.

Try to keep cocaine and that **** out of your life, man. You are better than that.

Thanks, don't get me wrong, their were good times and quite a few, but I do sometimes feel like a burden was lifted and she will never change.

Yeah the cocaine is well and truly out, this break-up helped me realise you can have a good time without a bag of powder, I don't drink that often so I feel good in myself,

Thanks.

April 14, 2015

Thanks, don't get me wrong, their were good times and quite a few, but I do sometimes feel like a burden was lifted and she will never change.

Yeah the cocaine is well and truly out, this break-up helped me realise you can have a good time without a bag of powder, I don't drink that often so I feel good in myself,

Thanks.

Break-ups can definitely help. I've matured in a lot of ways since then. She mentioned things, while they were just GIGS excuses, that just made me say, I can't ever have this as an excuse for someone not wanting to be with me ever again..

and if she ever comes back, then that reason is gone anyways and I'm in a better place.

But for you, it was clearly toxic.. but you've cleaned yourself up, the next girl will be lucky. Keep on keeping on.

April 14, 2015

So, your "cheating" consisted of a woman kissing you, and it taking you seconds to react and push her off? I would never consider that cheating. Seriously, if I was with someone and he told me that happened, I'd chalk it up to a misunderstanding on the other woman's part and let it go. To me, cheating is choosing to be unfaithful to someone, and you didn't choose this. So there's no need whatsoever to feel guilty. And for your ex to even mention it to humiliate you to your family is so wrong. Not to mention using it as an excuse herself to kiss someone else? That right there should have been enough excuse to end things. She's got some serious issues.

Moving along to her behavior after your grandfather's death is yet another reason to be glad you're no longer together. That shows a selfishness and lack of empathy that I wouldn't wishon my worst enemy. My condolences at his loss, by the way. I'm sorry that you have to mourn for him on top of all of this other mess.

But the final straw for me, and yet another reason to show that you did the right thing, is the fact that she went right away and slept with someone else and then dismissed it when you would mention how it hurt you. Add to that her overall coldness and rudeness, and I'd have to say that you absolutely did the right thing. She is a selfish, self-centered, rude, and manipulative woman, and you're well rid of her.

I know it hurts no matter how she treated you, but you did what was best for you. Someone who isn't going to help you in your time of need and treat you like that has no place in your life.

April 14, 2015

So, your "cheating" consisted of a woman kissing you, and it taking you seconds to react and push her off? I would never consider that cheating. Seriously, if I was with someone and he told me that happened, I'd chalk it up to a misunderstanding on the other woman's part and let it go. To me, cheating is choosing to be unfaithful to someone, and you didn't choose this. So there's no need whatsoever to feel guilty. And for your ex to even mention it to humiliate you to your family is so wrong. Not to mention using it as an excuse herself to kiss someone else? That right there should have been enough excuse to end things. She's got some serious issues.

Moving along to her behavior after your grandfather's death is yet another reason to be glad you're no longer together. That shows a selfishness and lack of empathy that I wouldn't wishon my worst enemy. My condolences at his loss, by the way. I'm sorry that you have to mourn for him on top of all of this other mess.

But the final straw for me, and yet another reason to show that you did the right thing, is the fact that she went right away and slept with someone else and then dismissed it when you would mention how it hurt you. Add to that her overall coldness and rudeness, and I'd have to say that you absolutely did the right thing. She is a selfish, self-centered, rude, and manipulative woman, and you're well rid of her.

I know it hurts no matter how she treated you, but you did what was best for you. Someone who isn't going to help you in your time of need and treat you like that has no place in your life.

When you put it like that, it makes me feel a hell of a lot better. The thing what scared me the most was that when this girl kissed me, I kissed back but then backed off, a sort heat of the moment, in my heart I pulled away but what bothered was part of me didn't pull away sooner and accepted my responsibility.

Thank you for your condolences, I lost a grandad 4 years ago, that was hard it sounds really stupid but that was the feeling of losing a grandad, but losing this Grandad was truly dreadful, if this is what it feels like to lose a father I know that feeling now as my dad left at a very early age.

See, with her sleeping with this ex, she said she was very very drunk, blacked out sort of thing. I came across a psychological term on the internet called 'Gaslighting' I remember her telling me it happened days after, but then when we broke up she said it was a week after, so it made me think I was going crazy, she used that tactic with other little things in the relationship.

Thank you for your post again, I greatly appreciate it.

April 14, 2015

You're very welcome, I'm glad I could help. Sometimes it takes an outsider stripping emotions away from events and presenting them as they really happened to get a true perspective. I know it has certainly helped me in the past.

When you said "I felt like I was going crazy" in response to some of her words and actions, my thoughts went to gaslighting too. I know that's a characteristic of it, when the other person twists things around so much that you feel like you're losing it. If that's what she did, then that's a huge reason to be glad to be done.

April 14, 2015

Oh whatever, she should get over herself. she's playing mind games with you for 1. You didn't cheat, you were high, and some girl kissed YOU you didn't kiss her back, and you were high, so you were not in your normal state.

2. When your in such a crisis, the loss of your father figure, (grandpa) and the loss of your friend, I think you mentioned, all she said was okay, come by, and then you hear a man in the background, that sounded like the guy she kissed.

3. oh and ya, let's not forget about the man she kissed, and was okay about that.

4. She humiliated you infont of other people...

omg, you my dear sound like the victim, not her.

April 14, 2015

Oh whatever, she should get over herself. she's playing mind games with you for 1. You didn't cheat, you were high, and some girl kissed YOU you didn't kiss her back, and you were high, so you were not in your normal state.

2. When your in such a crisis, the loss of your father figure, (grandpa) and the loss of your friend, I think you mentioned, all she said was okay, come by, and then you hear a man in the background, that sounded like the guy she kissed.

3. oh and ya, let's not forget about the man she kissed, and was okay about that.

4. She humiliated you infont of other people...

omg, you my dear sound like the victim, not her.

Thank you for your post,

Sorry that could be misinterpreted, I felt like I lost my best as in my Grandad, yeah the humiliation was actually on a night we went out for my birthday in the big city, she told all my close friends, said it in a loud voice so everyone acknowledged it, she twisted the truth with one of my close friends, I had to explain the situation afterwards to him, she had a knack for playing the victim.

Thanks for your post.

April 14, 2015

You're very welcome, I'm glad I could help. Sometimes it takes an outsider stripping emotions away from events and presenting them as they really happened to get a true perspective. I know it has certainly helped me in the past.

When you said "I felt like I was going crazy" in response to some of her words and actions, my thoughts went to gaslighting too. I know that's a characteristic of it, when the other person twists things around so much that you feel like you're losing it. If that's what she did, then that's a huge reason to be glad to be done.

Yes I agree, thank you again.

After this break up I went to the gym, read a lot, meditated and have started money to go travelling.

I see it says you from the USA, I'm planning on backpacking the US in a couple of years, starting in California, life is surely looking worth living.

Take care.

April 14, 2015

Yes I agree, thank you again.

After this break up I went to the gym, read a lot, meditated and have started money to go travelling.

I see it says you from the USA, I'm planning on backpacking the US in a couple of years, starting in California, life is surely looking worth living.

Take care.

I'm so proud and happy for you!!! The BEST REVENGE is living life well. Sounds like you're dong that, make sure to take lots of photos, to show how well your living life, then again it doesn't really matter, b/c you will be happier no matter what. it's all experience really, consider this girl, an experience, off with the ex and on to the next.

April 17, 2015

Love is crazy guys, Im not reffering to this topic but generally. Eventhough, deep inside we know exactly all the flaws of our ex's, we still love them, is't that strange?

Pyramidsong, first of all you have to understand that all these "First love" relationships, they never last. NEVER. Be happy that your First love was actually such a B**CH.

I know, you just have to look at them as learning curves I suppose, some days are difficult as I genuinely miss her, it being first love also makes it much harder. I could help myself on social media looking at her profile 2 months after the break up, life is getting easier though.

Simply put, love makes you do the most ridiculous things.

April 19, 2015

Good afternoon all,

I posted my break up story last week and I am thankful for the responses, because of it being my first love, I was very blind and could not see red flags, I need opinions on a something that happend in the relationship.

I have stop analysing so much now, but something is bothering me and I need some opinions.

I came across the term 'triangulisation' and it's something which someone with Narcisstic Personality Disorder uses, it's bringing in a third party into the relationship, whether it be a friend, co-worker, relative or complete stranger.

Here is my story:

I'd say 5 months into the relationship my girlfriend at the time called me and said that she wants to meet up with a guy, as a friend. She had never met him before only online, she said she wanted to meet new friends etc, I didn't wanna be one of those controlling boyfriends so I was said 'okay'. She said he was aware of that she had a boyfriend.

She called me when I was at work just after they met up, she said he tried to make a pass at her and she swerved, I said 'there you go, he's got no respect just don't talk to him again'

However, she would carry on talking to him, a prime example was when she went away with her family on holiday to another country, I spoke to her on the phone, she said 'I logged into Facebook, though I had a message from you but it was from Greg instead'.

I think she was playing this little game on keeping me on my toes, she did this with 2 other people in the relationship.

I'd like to note aswell she wouldn't let me go and meet a girl who I have been friends with for 3 years, so then I thought, I know, if I can get them to meet, they'll probably hit it off, she wouldn't even meet her.

I know the relationship is over, but like I said I'd just like some extern opinions on this matter as it's just niggling at me.

Thanks for reading,

PyramidSong.

April 19, 2015

When a relationship breaks up, I think people go through different stages. My experience was the shock stage, which was physically painful and scary with racing heart and all sorts of stress symptoms, then the analysis stage where you are mentally trying to make sense of it all. It takes a while to get to what I hesitate to call the 'acceptance' stage where you realise it's less painful giving up on them that it is trying to seek some understanding of it all. For myself, I had to understand, absolutely had to, and went over and over things analysing. But eventually I realised that some things don't make sense and will never make sense. Someone outside the situation would simply see it as one person being unhappy in a relationship and dumping the other, but of course if you are in that situation it never seems that simple. Accepting that you will never understand does bring peace of mind which is sorely needed.

For a time though, you are likely to find things pop into your head in an insistent way because they were red flags at the time that you ignored or tried to. I also found this was the case, that words said casually at the time were later significant. Of course a lot of what happens or is said is unconscious to the person who leaves too so it is only later that it starts to be meaningful. Yes, I'm an analytic person so I've been there!

I think you are right in picking up on this uncomfortable situation where she brought others into the relationship. It is a kind of leakage in the relationship which you felt is not right, but couldn't logically argue with it at the time with seeming possessive. No doubt you will be alert to this happening in future. All you can do is to learn from this. The analysing will gradually die down as the crisis fades and one day you will feel like you don't care about them or what they did any more. They become non-entities and you start to look outwards again. I wish you well on your journey towards a more peaceful mental state. xx

Edited April 19, 2015 by spiderowl

April 20, 2015

When a relationship breaks up, I think people go through different stages. My experience was the shock stage, which was physically painful and scary with racing heart and all sorts of stress symptoms, then the analysis stage where you are mentally trying to make sense of it all. It takes a while to get to what I hesitate to call the 'acceptance' stage where you realise it's less painful giving up on them that it is trying to seek some understanding of it all. For myself, I had to understand, absolutely had to, and went over and over things analysing. But eventually I realised that some things don't make sense and will never make sense. Someone outside the situation would simply see it as one person being unhappy in a relationship and dumping the other, but of course if you are in that situation it never seems that simple. Accepting that you will never understand does bring peace of mind which is sorely needed.

For a time though, you are likely to find things pop into your head in an insistent way because they were red flags at the time that you ignored or tried to. I also found this was the case, that words said casually at the time were later significant. Of course a lot of what happens or is said is unconscious to the person who leaves too so it is only later that it starts to be meaningful. Yes, I'm an analytic person so I've been there!

I think you are right in picking up on this uncomfortable situation where she brought others into the relationship. It is a kind of leakage in the relationship which you felt is not right, but couldn't logically argue with it at the time with seeming possessive. No doubt you will be alert to this happening in future. All you can do is to learn from this. The analysing will gradually die down as the crisis fades and one day you will feel like you don't care about them or what they did any more. They become non-entities and you start to look outwards again. I wish you well on your journey towards a more peaceful mental state. xx

Yes I agree, my phases were very strange because I was the one who walked away.

I first felt like a burden had been lifted, then I started hearing rumours people telling me things, looking on Facebook and other social media then I began to be upset and grieve. Then came the analysing.

It was a horrible situation as you said, because I didn't want to come across as controlling or possessive, the way of bringing in another male in the relationship made me increase paranoia, jealousy and almost drive me to be controlling.

I am now more clued into this behaviour, thanks for sharing.

April 20, 2015

She was not committed to you and was keeping her options open.

That's all.

April 20, 2015

It wouldn't have been such a big deal that if she met him, he made a pass at her and she realized what this guy was about and ended the friendship. What's bothersome is that she continued to communicate with him after the fact. I mean, she already told you that he made a pass at her while she's in a committed relationship! She already knows that he has an interest that's more than friendship, yet she continues to contact him. That's totally disrespectful.

Time to move on dude.

April 23, 2015

Good afternoon everyone,

I posted by break up story here i think 2 weeks ago now. I wish i had found this site right after the break up instead of 3 months after!

I would like to say thank you for everyone reading and commenting, helping me realize certain behaviors and getting my story out there so people could strip it back and give me another point of view.

Even though i broke up with my first love i took it horrifically badly, never experiencing anything like it before, because of her actions and she knew my fear of Social Ridicule i even went to the extent of making a fake twitter profile in the second month just in case she named and shamed me, but then i came to my senses, closed the account down and actually admitted it to her when settled our differences.

She is moving on with her life and as am i now.

Ever since writing on here i have started reading, meditating and going to the gym also planning holidays..I've also got my first date next week since the break up!

I displayed some strange behaviors after the break up of anger, paranoia and also she was spreading rumors, but now I've came to realize there is nothing i can do and are finding inner peace to heal mentally.

I had a mental health check and because of also dealing with the death of my Grandad around the time of her disgusting behavior towards me i have got Depression. I'm on the road to recovery, it was partly down to her emotional abuse and also mistakes i made i ran over in my head keeping me pinned down emotionally.

Life is getting better but for now it is goodbye, i all hope you heal well soon, you never know i may be back for advice in the future!

Take care all,

PyramidSong

April 24, 2015

Man, I don't think you even cheated to begin with. I think she's just making excuses to breakup with you. Seriously. Good thing you're now moving on. Good luck with life brother and I hope you find the right one for you.

May 6, 2015

Hello everyone,

I said that I wouldn't come back onto here as I was finally moving on with my life.

Click on my link to read my story, it's been difficult but I'm getting there.

When me and my ex split up in January I left her, the break up was bad and I covered some of it in my early posts.

2 and half months of no contact I contacted her asking for her postcode so I could post a couple of rings and such to her house.

She replied sharply and said 'don't message me again'

Then, 1 hour later she sent another message apologising for the rudeness, I said I was only contacting you about this stuff or else I wouldn't of. Then we had a phone call, got a lot off our chest and settled our differences, said we can't be friends or add each other on social media, we both don't wanna know what we are doing so that was fair. After the phonecall then I deleted her number and started moving on, I heard that she was in a relationship which she is still now, none of my business though and I've been carrying on.

But today, she sent a message, she knew that I've been struggling with the break up and have fully stuck to NC as everyone recommends on this site.

She text me asking the ridiculous question on the price of a product as she did not have any cellular date to check the price, I didn't know who it was at first, so I said 'who is this, haven't got the number saved?' She then put 'sorry must have the wrong number',

It then clicked who it was I then sent a message saying 'it's clicked who it is as I recognise the number, I deleted your number after our phone conversation a month or so ago.

Now she has a boyfriend, are these just mind games she's playing? I don't want to contact her again, but everything has came flooding back.

Please, help and advice would be appreciated.

PyramidSong

May 7, 2015

No mind games, this is her just abusing of you and you letting her do that...

May 7, 2015

Hello everyone,

I said that I wouldn't come back onto here as I was finally moving on with my life.

Click on my link to read my story, it's been difficult but I'm getting there.

When me and my ex split up in January I left her, the break up was bad and I covered some of it in my early posts.

2 and half months of no contact I contacted her asking for her postcode so I could post a couple of rings and such to her house.

She replied sharply and said 'don't message me again'

Then, 1 hour later she sent another message apologising for the rudeness, I said I was only contacting you about this stuff or else I wouldn't of. Then we had a phone call, got a lot off our chest and settled our differences, said we can't be friends or add each other on social media, we both don't wanna know what we are doing so that was fair. After the phonecall then I deleted her number and started moving on, I heard that she was in a relationship which she is still now, none of my business though and I've been carrying on.

But today, she sent a message, she knew that I've been struggling with the break up and have fully stuck to NC as everyone recommends on this site.

She text me asking the ridiculous question on the price of a product as she did not have any cellular date to check the price, I didn't know who it was at first, so I said 'who is this, haven't got the number saved?' She then put 'sorry must have the wrong number',
It then clicked who it was I then sent a message saying 'it's clicked who it is as I recognise the number, I deleted your number after our phone conversation a month or so ago.

Now she has a boyfriend, are these just mind games she's playing? I don't want to contact her again, but everything has came flooding back.

Please, help and advice would be appreciated.

PyramidSong

Return her things. No more contact. Delete/block number. Do not respond to anything else she sends.

If you think about anything, maybe just think about how sorry you are for her current boyfriend, as he'll get the same hateful treatment. Otherwise, move on and never look back.

September 4, 2015

Good Morning all,

I am now writing this not as someone with a broken heart, not as someone who is obsessing, angry, guilty...someone who has healed and learnt so much.

Everyone who reached out and helped me with my break up story over 6 months ago i would like to say thank you, the only person who could do it was me and the guidance given was truly wonderful.

I am now fully healed and am living my life to the full helping other people who had similar situations to me, i am fully repaired after months of meditation, therapy and a career change.

I don't see many people actually reach out and thank some of the users on this site, but this site and its community helped me so much.

I suddenly realized that whoever i am with, my next love/future partner they are going to hurt me and i am going to hurt them in ways, but i've learnt valuable lessons and improved myself.

Just remember:

'If their amazing they won't be easy, if their easy they won't be amazing, the truth is everyone is gonna hurt you, you just need to find the one worth hurting for'

Have a wonderful Friday,

PyramidSong

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