This man (ex synagoge president) bad-mouthed me! Shocked, what should I do?

[guest 600]

Okay about five months ago I was going thru a really difficult period as I was in love with a man who wasn't reciprocating. We'd had a brief relationship several months earlier, but it hadn't worked and I was trying to do everything to get him back. I met a supposedly really nice older professional couple at a Hannuka party. I told them about my problems with this guy I was in love with and they seemed really sympathetic and warm towards me. I practically talked to them almost the whole time, but they didn't seem to mind at all and they gave me advice.

Well, a few days after I had met Stan and Myra (the couple) the guy I liked and I got into a horrible phone fight with him saying abuses and terrible things. I was so hurt by this that I stayed away from the whole community for months. Only this passed month I have been coming back to events as I am over this guy.

Last night I ran into Stan and his partener at a concert. When I said hi to Stan I felt he was cold and distant and not wanting to make eye contact. I talked to Myra a bit, told her I was doing better and even apologized for having yacked so much about myself the last time I'd seen them several months ago.

Well today a close girlfriend of mine who happened to be looking at real estate with her boyfriend told (Stan was their real estate agent) me that Stan made some not-so-nice comments about me saying that I was crazy and that I had yelled at Myra last night. My girlfriend defended me and told him that that was unlike me and that he was being too quick to judge me. Anyhow, that shut him up, but I was really shocked and hurt to find this out.

 

I was so upset that I sent Stan an email expressing myself. Here it is:

 

 

Dear Stan,

 

I am very upset with you as I heard from an aquaintance of mine today that you were speaking about me in a derrogatory way (saying I was "crazy" and that I "yelled" at your partener to a gentleman who is a family friend) and I don't appreciate this. First of all I did not "yell" at your partener and you know this because you were present. I made small talk and just apologized to Myra and you for having yacked too much about a certain subject at the Hannukah party and told her that things were better. And regarding the "crazy" label you gave me, I find this extremely nasty and hurtful because you don't even know me.

 

When I met you at the Hannukah party last December I was going through a very difficult period and you and your friend reached out to me and I thought I could trust you as you seemed very compassionate and understanding. I realize I must have talked too much and was too intense, but I'm only a human with flaws like everybody else. I felt I could trust you, but I realize now that I excercised poor judgement. At least now I will know for the next time not to be so vulnerable and open to people I don't know.

 

It is strange because I had an intuitive feeling that you were thinking negatively about me because you didn't make direct eye contact with me when I said hello to you. I even wonder if you said something to the "person" I used to be in love with and told him I was "crazy" and tried to convince him to avoid me because the more I think about it, certain events that followed our meeting on Dec. 11 seem to point to the fact that someone spoke to the "person" after our meeting and I have a hunch it might have been you. If it was you I'm sure you only thought you were doing a "mitzvah" and I forgive you, but you should know that you underestimated me as a person by being too quick to judge and label me. Wasn't it you at the party that told me to have a "shem rah" (bad name) is the worst? I never bad-mouthed you or did you any harm in this way. Why did you do this with my name?

 

Anyhow, I will not banter on and on. I just want you to know that I am not as stupid as you may think and things that you say do get around rather quickly. I hope the next time we run into each other we will be able to reconcile because I do not want to have any feelings of animosity or misunderstanding towards you or your partener.

 

I wish you all the best,

 

 

Guest 600

 

 

Do you think this is a good letter? Do you think he will respond? If I see him should I bring up the matter? I find this so low and nasty to do to a person he doesn't even know well. This man used to be a president of a synagogue! Isn't he supposed to have more morals than this??!! He certainly isn't practicing what he was preaching.

All comments would be appreciated. Thans

[Merin]

Well.. while I can understand that you were/are upset about Stans comments to your mutual friend If this had been me (and yes I understand it wasn't) I would have blown it off.. reason being.. as you said he doesn't know you at all.

 

He only met you on one other occassion right? You were going through a difficult time and probably did divulge more 411 than he was comfortable hearing about.. so perhaps in his mind he wondered why a stranger was telling him such personal information.. not that it gave him the right to talk trash about you later..

 

However again you don't know this Man.. and so with that said, I wouldn't have written him an email regarding this... if I happend to run into him again, I would've been nice but not talkative with him you know? In some ways writing that long of an email to someone you really don't know regarding his remarks looking for some kind of an apology just seems to be really reaching and if anything IMO it will not get the message across you were looking for but only confirm to him that his first impression was right.

 

Again, I'm not in any way saying he was right.. but because you don't know him as he doesn't know you, I cannot understand why you're allowing this to upset you so much.. his opinion isn't of any consequence.