After a year and a half it's time to end it. I'm not sure how.

[bing bing]

Thanks for all of the great advice, insight and support.

I've only had one other long term realtionship and I was the one who got dumped.

 

Just to let some of you know a bit more of the back story..............

 

I have never said " I love you" to another woman before in my life. For my age that's quite a long time. I just never said it for the sake of saying it. It was important to me that I only said it if I was sure I meant it.

I did and still do in a way.

We started dating and we were both kind of catious in the begining. After about 3 months we both started to really open up. After about six months I really thought she was it. She travels a lot for work. The first time she left me for a few weeks I felt physically ill. I took that as an indication that it was true love. I felt like I couldn't live with out her. I dropped the L- bomb at nine months and we've been saying it ever since.

 

I don't really know when things changed. Now when she leaves I hardly miss her at all. I can say " I love you" to her and mean it. I just don't see myself spending the next 50 years with her.

 

I have not been decieving her for a long time. As soon as I realized that things were changing I told her I thought we should end it. She begged for a second chance to make me happy and I caved. That was a month ago .

I look forward to seeing her. I enjoy our time together but I know that by now if I still don't feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with her I probably never will. My sister met her husband and new the night they met. So did he. They married in less than a year and are very happy.

 

You can see the conflicted emotions. I know what is the right thing to do and I am going to do it. I just had no one else to talk to. All of my friends are single and have not had long term relationships. They couldn't relate. So I had to turn to strangers on the web.

 

Thanks for some great advice and support.

[moon]

OP, I have a pretty good feeling that this is what my ex went through with me. He stayed with me for a long, long time because he couldn't rationalize the break up to himself. Here was somebody with everything he wanted in a girl, yet we just weren't right for each other. I think my ex will never really find somebody right for him because he doesn't live in reality and has so many of his own problems....but anyway we are talking about you not him.

 

So....you are basically asking for the best way to break up with this girl. If you really care about her you'll want her to hurt as little as possible.

 

So let me try to imagine the way I'd like to be broken up with. I can't really think of a good break up situation, but I guess I would sit her down and tell her everything you did in your post. Sorry buddy, but if she's so great somebody else is definately going to want her so step aside. But be nice about it. I think what is probably unattractive to you is her abandonment issues. Face it. You probably feel like she wants you to be her everything. She might be a bit too dependent on you. Have you tried asking her to deal with her abandonment issues through counseling? "Abandonment issues" can be huge in a person's life. She should deal with them.

 

Anyway, about the break up. Just don't do anything foolish like find another woman in the mean time or lie to her or tell her you don't love her anymore.

 

Just tell her that you don't feel like you are right for each other. Spare her all the adjectives or mean comments. Really they are unnecessary. Having a relationship end is painful enough....no dumpee needs all the cutting last words to prove your point that you'll probably be retracting later.

 

Anyway, so basically be nice. Why all the dramatics? Think about how your kindergarten teacher got you to do something. Say it gently, but firm. And realize the break up is going to hurt for the both of you.

 

Good luck.

[lindya]

My sister met her husband and new the night they met. So did he. They married in less than a year and are very happy.

 

Careful, bing. We all know couples like that - but I think that's less about the quality of the love, and more about the individuals involved. Some people just have very strong instincts about other people in general, whilst others take longer to make up their minds. It doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship where "they both knew instantly" is better than other relationships with less certain beginnings.

 

All the same, it does sound as if you're pretty certain about wanting to end the relationship you're currently in. Best of luck, and I hope both you and she find the right partners at the right time.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I went through this exact same thing going on in this thread with my first long-term serious boyfriend.

 

We met, dated all through college, and when we graduated, we'd get married and he was going to work on a base and I would get a teaching job and we'd have 2.5 kids, a white picket fence, a house near the beach and we were going to grow old together. One problem: despite the fact that our relationship was going well, and despite the fact that my family loved him, and despite the security, and despite the promise of a long future together - I just did not love him in the way that you need to love someone in order to want to spend the rest of your life with them. Period. Why? I JUST DIDN'T. No reason except for to say that I just didn't feel it. I got the same thing you did. No one could understand how or why I would walk away from the 'perfect guy'. I was questioned about my mental stability, I was questioned about 'commitment issues', I had therapy suggested... people thought I was nuts and that if I just "tried hard enough" I'd return that love that "everyone KNEW I felt 'deep down'". It went on like that for years. Every time I dated, it was "I still don't know why you broke up with P., he was such a good man" - basically I got reproach because I refused to fit myself into what others thought was best for me emotionally.

 

I stood my ground though. Firmly. Eventually it died down as the years passed - and wouldn't you know it, eventually I met Mr. B and every day I am so thankful I didn't listen to those well-meaning people back then. I wouldn't be a fraction of the happy I am now. I could have married P. and 'faked it' adequately with enough therapy but I am damned sure glad I held out for the real thing. Once I felt this way with Mr. B, it answered a lot of questions about that elusive 'what is missing' factor in my other relationships. Hopefully one day you'll meet someone too, that will allow you to look back and reaffirm that you did the right thing by leaving a relationship that despite there being nothing really wrong with it, it just wasn't right for you.

[lindya]

. I could have married P. and 'faked it' adequately with enough therapy but I am damned sure glad I held out for the real thing.

 

What a prospect. Having to go to therapy in order to fake love for someone.

 

What would you say made you realise you had the real thing? I say the real thing is about being able to laugh together until you cry, stay up most of the night every so often - so fired up in conversation that neither of you feel the slightest bit tired. Do it for eachother sexually and be capable of sitting down and being creative together. Yet my ex said we had all that and more... but it still wasn't quite enough. He said he didn't know what he wanted, and maybe there was something missing inside of him. It's hard to think that someone you've loved is walking away from the relationship feeling like that. I'd have hoped to have left him with something a bit more positive...but I know that I'd sometimes get this instinctive feeling of sadness and disappointment because I'd look into his eyes and not see anything that looked like genuine emotion. I'd see him faking it. Unfortunately I'm pretty adept at dismissing my instincts or passing them off as insecurity or unrealistic romantic expectations on my part. Hopefully I won't make that mistake again.

[midori]

Originally posted by bing bing

 

I have never said " I love you" to another woman before in my life. For my age that's quite a long time. I just never said it for the sake of saying it. It was important to me that I only said it if I was sure I meant it.

I did and still do in a way.

We started dating and we were both kind of catious in the begining. After about 3 months we both started to really open up. After about six months I really thought she was it. She travels a lot for work. The first time she left me for a few weeks I felt physically ill. I took that as an indication that it was true love. I felt like I couldn't live with out her. I dropped the L- bomb at nine months and we've been saying it ever since.

 

Oh good, so you don't say "I love you" lightly or just stick around in relationships without thinking about it. I apologize for the earlier question, and I'm glad that's not the case!

 

I don't really know when things changed. Now when she leaves I hardly miss her at all. I can say " I love you" to her and mean it. I just don't see myself spending the next 50 years with her.

 

And aren't you curious about what has changed? Since you're someone for whom emotional engagement with another person is significant and not something you find everyday, don't you want to know why, in the course of the last year, your feelings have undergone such change?

 

I have not been decieving her for a long time. As soon as I realized that things were changing I told her I thought we should end it. She begged for a second chance to make me happy and I caved. That was a month ago .

I look forward to seeing her. I enjoy our time together but I know that by now if I still don't feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with her I probably never will. My sister met her husband and new the night they met. So did he. They married in less than a year and are very happy.

 

That's very wise. You've cleared up some misunderstandings I had about your situation, but for me the core issue is still there: why does this need to happen? I'm not saying it doesn't need to happen, I'm just suggesting that you should know why -- if you know that you will make things much much easier for your girlfriend when you break up with her.

 

First thing I notice in what you've said is that she begged for a second chance... but what has happened since then? I've been in her unhappy situation a couple of times, except I didn't ask for a second chance, the two exes I have in mind asked to try again. They were quite sure about it, as sure as they'd been earlier that they needed to end things. And I was overjoyed, but also puzzled and slightly wary. I took them back (different guys under very different sets of circumstances) but those deep, meaningful converations never happened, because I didn't push hard enough for them. Perhaps that's why I'm so adamant that you need to probe this and get to the bottom of it, if you're really wanting to make this as easy as possible on your soon-to-be-ex. I suspect that if I had insisted on having those hard discussions before I took either ex back, there wouldn't have been second rounds in those relationships. For example, Ex #2 would have realized that he needed to evacuate his current life in terms of location, job, and responsibilities -- and we would have both seen that there was no room for me in his retreat (nor would I have wanted to accompany him, even if it were possible).

 

Another poster mentioned how she'd avoided the 2.5 kids/white fence "American Life" that lay in store for her if she'd stayed with a Nearly Perfect Ex. Sounds like it wasn't just the ex but also the gameplan that wasn't right for her. Perhaps if they'd discussed the gameplan they'd have discovered that he wasn't so enamored of it either -- or maybe not. But at least there would have been a meaningful reason, in her mind and in his mind, for the breakup. They didn't want the same things. That's huge. Maybe five years later she did want them, maybe she has them now with a different partner. But right out of college? I wouldn't want that either!

 

What I'm encouraging you do to, bing, is to figure out what's wrong before you end things. You owe it to yourself -- because to derail a relationship with someone you really care about, without actually knowing why it needs to end, is not only doing her a disservice, you'll be doing yourself a disservice. Maybe it's not that there's something about yourself that you're overlooking -- maybe, as another poster suggested, it's something about her that you're unwilling or unable to bring up. Maybe her fear of abandonment does seem to translate into a need for you to be everything to her -- and maybe that's a stifling prospect. It would be for me I think.

 

You can see the conflicted emotions. I know what is the right thing to do and I am going to do it. I just had no one else to talk to. All of my friends are single and have not had long term relationships. They couldn't relate. So I had to turn to strangers on the web.

 

I know that feeling, and I think it's what brings many people here -- that's what LoveShack.org is for. Although I'm a stranger, a stranger who has been dispensing some advice that hasn't always been completely sympathetic to your situation, like many who have posted here I do admire your wish to make this as easy as possible for your girlfriend. For all that I've been emphasizing your repsonsibility in this, she definitely has responsibility too -- as is always the case in relationships. Why hasn't she insisted on having some difficult conversations with you? Why desperate begging for a second chance (to "make you happy"???) without considering the possibility that maybe there really are some big stumbling blocks? When it's been clear to me that a relationship wasn't right, I walk away with few qualms. And of course sometimes one person is quite clear that it isn't right, and knows why, but the other person doesn't see it that way. But if you don't know what's wrong it's going to be hard to get your girlfriend to see that it's not right ... especially if she's got her own reasons for clinging to it (and you).

[TheBarnacle]

Originally posted by whitewhale

What I'd like to know very much, of possible, was it the idea that she's not the one lingering in yr head from the start? Was it at first like you found yr soulmate and then just gradually you changed yr mind? Or maybe you just thought, here's a fantastic person, maybe it'll turn out to be the one?

 

i can say for me (and my situation seems similar to bing's), it was more of the latter. that is, though i didn't think "she's the one!", i did think "she's neat!". so i stayed and explored. and actually got to know more about her that i really liked. but...i sort of knew from the start she wasn't "the one". but, as i said, i thought there was enough GOOD stuff there that i should give it a try. maybe I'D grow and come to see her as more than just a great person to hang out with. maybe she COULD end up being the person i could spend my life with. so...i guess for me, lesson learned, if there's anything immediately telling you "i'm not sure" about someone, recognize it, make a decision, and get over it or move on.

[queenie01]

except I didn't ask for a second chance, the two exes I have in mind asked to try again. They were quite sure about it, as sure as they'd been earlier that they needed to end things. And I was overjoyed, but also puzzled and slightly wary. I took them back (different guys under very different sets of circumstances)

 

Midori I am interested in your post regarding this...you say that 2 of your exs asked to try again, were they the ones that dumped you? if so what were their reasons? How did they come back? did you inforce no contact?

My bf broke up with me a little over 2 weeks stating something was missing and i was devasted because i didnt see it coming, we had a great relationship and never fought, he told me the day before that he loved me. I am just trying to make sense of it all... I would love to be back with him but I am not going to ask him to change his mind or beg him...thats ridiculious, he is the one who would have to realize what he was missing?

[Candy Cane]

I just think you are making a terrible mistake, Bing Bing. You don't appreciate what you have in this woman and are looking for something magical that doesn't exit. Apprehension is your reason for breaking up with her? She has issues? Who doesn't?

 

You are choosing not to appreciate her and being honest about that fact and your "feelings" will not excuse you from your behavior. This woman has given to you and given to you but you just aren't feeling it? A long time ago men would have been beaten silly if they took advantage of a woman and then didn't honor them later.

 

You should praise God for this woman and ask her to marry you. You should look for reasons every day in which to appreciate her and thank God that she choise you and not someone else. Otherwise you will regret this decision later.

 

I don't mean to be harsh to you but there's just no other way in which to put this. I can't condone the behavior of hurting another individual who has done nothing but love you just because you "aren't feeling it." It's incredibly cruel.

[midori]

Originally posted by queenie01

Midori I am interested in your post regarding this...you say that 2 of your exs asked to try again, were they the ones that dumped you? if so what were their reasons? How did they come back? did you inforce no contact?

My bf broke up with me a little over 2 weeks stating something was missing and i was devasted because i didnt see it coming, we had a great relationship and never fought, he told me the day before that he loved me. I am just trying to make sense of it all... I would love to be back with him but I am not going to ask him to change his mind or beg him...thats ridiculious, he is the one who would have to realize what he was missing?

 

The reason I brought that up was to illustrate to Bing Bing the other side of the situation, from the perspective of the person getting dumped for no concrete reason besides "it's just not right." It's hard coming to terms with someone who breaks up with you from out of the blue for no apparent reason -- as you well know.

 

While this situation surely has many points of intersection and overlap with others' situations, it's important to keep this discussion focused on Bing's situation, and the questions he has asked. People who have questions about their situations should definitely start new threads so that this discussion doesn't get off track.

[bing bing]

Candy Cane:

That is just unrealistic and naive. You can love and appreciate someone but just not want to spend the next 50 years with them. To be with someone for the rest of your life you need to miss them when you are appart. You need to be willing to swim across the ocean just to talk to them for 15 minutes. That is what this woman deserves and I just don't feel that way anymore towards her.

 

What is more cruel. Being honest and letting her go to find someone who will cherish her the way she deserves to be cherished or pretending and giving her less than she deserves?

 

I am going out on a limb here and saying that you haven't had many relationships.

 

OK. I'm out. That is my last post on this subject.

 

Thanks again for all of your feed back.

[TheBarnacle]

Originally posted by Candy Cane

I just think you are making a terrible mistake, Bing Bing. You don't appreciate what you have in this woman and are looking for something magical that doesn't exit. Apprehension is your reason for breaking up with her? She has issues? Who doesn't?

 

You are choosing not to appreciate her and being honest about that fact and your "feelings" will not excuse you from your behavior. This woman has given to you and given to you but you just aren't feeling it? A long time ago men would have been beaten silly if they took advantage of a woman and then didn't honor them later.

 

You should praise God for this woman and ask her to marry you. You should look for reasons every day in which to appreciate her and thank God that she choise you and not someone else. Otherwise, you will regret this decision later.

 

I don't mean to be harsh to you but there's just no other way in which to put this. I can't condone the behavior of hurting another individual who has done nothing but love you just because you "aren't feeling it." It's incredibly cruel.

 

wow. while i've heard people disagree, this seems pretty out of touch. i know i've been criticized for having unrealistic expectations, but candy, you seem to be advocating NO expectations. at least not for oneself. you seem to be suggesting people should stay together just because they ARE together. how 1950's. in some respects, i think modern generations have a more difficult time coming and staying together. how easy must it have been for my parents to meet in high school and never even CONSIDER that they might not have to marry each other? that there might be other options? other choices??? choice for bing bing (and me) is not easy. perhaps we've been set up to think the "magical" person/relationship exists. BUT...i think there is one aspect to all humanity that trumps honor, feeling, or "magic", and that's being true to yourself.

 

if bing stays, he's not going for what he wants and may live a lifetime wondering "what if?" or worse, resenting this poor woman. be true to yourself, candy. if that means sticking with someone you may/may not feel is perfect for you, then cool. but not all will share that sentiment.

 

bing, i empathize. i'm in the same boat. it's fear that's prevented me from jumping sooner, and for that, i owe my ex an apology. but, i truly care(d) for her. and enjoyed our time together. she is deeply missed. but i had to get out and try for my own sake to find what i want. you're right on the money too in recognizing SHE deserves to find someone who can adn will give her what she deserves. it doesn't make it any easier though, eh? keep in touch.

[Candy Cane]

I guess if you're not feeling it, then you're not feeling it. But...I think one day you will feel it. You will think you found "the one" only to realize that it was only an illusion. You will then be wishing you were with the woman who actually cared about you but who you tossed away like garbage.

 

I am very experienced, by the way, when it comes to relationships. But I don't think it takes an experienced person to know that are dishonoring a perfectly good woman and expecting a pat on the back for doing so.

[Candy Cane]

Originally posted by TheBarnacle

wow. while i've heard people disagree, this seems pretty out of touch. i know i've been criticized for having unrealistic expectations, but candy, you seem to be advocating NO expectations. at least not for oneself. you seem to be suggesting people should stay together just because they ARE together. how 1950's. in some respects, i think modern generations have a more difficult time coming and staying together. how easy must it have been for my parents to meet in high school and never even CONSIDER that they might not have to marry each other? that there might be other options? other choices??? choice for bing bing (and me) is not easy. perhaps we've been set up to think the "magical" person/relationship exists. BUT...i think there is one aspect to all humanity that trumps honor, feeling, or "magic", and that's being true to yourself.

 

if bing stays, he's not going for what he wants and may live a lifetime wondering "what if?" or worse, resenting this poor woman. be true to yourself, candy. if that means sticking with someone you may/may not feel is perfect for you, then cool. but not all will share that sentiment.

 

bing, i empathize. i'm in the same boat. it's fear that's prevented me from jumping sooner, and for that, i owe my ex an apology. but, i truly care(d) for her. and enjoyed our time together. she is deeply missed. but i had to get out and try for my own sake to find what i want. you're right on the money too in recognizing SHE deserves to find someone who can adn will give her what she deserves. it doesn't make it any easier though, eh? keep in touch.

 

Then you aren't reading right, Barnacle if that is what you think I am saying. The woman Bing is referring to meets all of his expectations. She has spent time with him, invested in him and has cared about him. Of course she will be devistated when he leaves her for no good reason.

 

People don't stay together often times because they don't choose to appreciate the person they have or to work on issues that come up. Relationships are work. They aren't supposed to feel like uphoria all of the time.

 

You guys should get used to being alone. That's all I can say.

[bing bing]

OK. I lied about not posting again.

 

Candy Cane.

You can sleep easily tonight. I just asked her to marry me. She said yes and we are planning on having children ASAP.

She's kind, not too bad lookin' and is a good cook. Oh that meatloaf! It's time anyway. I am of that age and my parents have been pestoring me for grandkids.

Finally I have someone who can sew that botton back on my shirt.

I'm also looking at real estate in the burbs.

I'm glad I now know that love is one sided. It only takes one person to love and the other just to accept that love. Life is so much more simple now.

[TheBarnacle]

Originally posted by bing bing

 

I'm glad I now know that love is one sided. It only takes one person to love and the other just to accept that love.

 

i know this was sarcasm...but that seems to be what candy is implying, eh? duh! relationships are work of course...but...staying with someone b/c THEY love YOU isn't really a good thing. not fair to anyone.

 

 

she sounds like a character out of "the wedding singer"....you know, bing bing, you should marry her, she's EARNED IT!

[Candy Cane]

Do you guys dump your dog off at the pound when you get tired of playing with him? Or...maybe you have more loyalty towards your dog than your girlfriend.

[midori]

Originally posted by Candy Cane

Do you guys dump your dog off at the pound when you get tired of playing with him? Or...maybe you have more loyalty towards your dog than your girlfriend.

 

Hi Candy Cane,

 

You might want to check out this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45340/

 

It's great to give honest feedback to people's requests for opinions and advice. But if they think you're off-target in what you're saying to them, there's rarely any benefit to insisting on your perspective for their particular situation.

[bing bing]

Missing the point again.

Would you want someone to stay with you out of obligation or b/c they really want to be with you?

Don't tell me about hard work in a relationship either. We have worked through many many things in our time together. If I wasn't willing to work at it I would've been out of there at month 3.

This is about honesty. Honesty to her and to myself.

According to you whoever you date as long as they don't treat you poorly, it's until death do you part. That's just not how it is. There would be even more divorces than there are in this day and age if it were.

You make it sound like I 'm bored and that is it. Like this isn't tearing me apart.

Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing even if it hurts.

She has gotten the best I can give ( which is pretty good ) for a year and a half and continues to.

 

Don't try to make me out like an inconsiderate s***.

 

If you do you need to go back and read this thread a little more closely.

[midori]

Originally posted by bing bing

Missing the point again.

Would you want someone to stay with you out of obligation or b/c they really want to be with you?

Don't tell me about hard work in a relationship either. We have worked through many many things in our time together. If I wasn't willing to work at it I would've been out of there at month 3.

This is about honesty. Honesty to her and to myself.

According to you whoever you date as long as they don't treat you poorly, it's until death do you part. That's just not how it is. There would be even more divorces than there are in this day and age if it were.

You make it sound like I 'm bored and that is it. Like this isn't tearing me apart.

Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing even if it hurts.

She has gotten the best I can give ( which is pretty good ) for a year and a half and continues to.

 

Don't try to make me out like an inconsiderate s***.

 

If you do you need to go back and read this thread a little more closely.

 

I think this thread has taken a turn for the worse. Let's get back on track with helpful advice for bing bing. "Helpful advice" might not always suggest that bing bing (or any person who posts about their problems) is doing the right thing/a great person/etc., but helpful advice should take into account what bing bing has to say. If he doesn't find a particular perspective to be useful or applicable to his situation, then it's not going to be helpful to persist in it, since it's not going to have meaning for him.