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My long distance boyfriend has just found out he has a son. What should i do?

Rainbow23

By Rainbow23
in Long-Distance Relationships

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Rainbow23 New Member

Rainbow23

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Ok please help! (Its a long story about how we met but it wasn't online, anyways)... I have been talkin to this guy every day on the fone since January and the connection was so deep n real. we got very close very quickly but we only became officially together a few weeks ago. the trouble is I am in England and he is in New York...

 

He has been goin thru sum stuff in his life that has prevented us ever meeting but we were both getting close to him coming to me, however about 3 weeks ago he found out he has a 1 year son with some girl he had a summer fling with.

 

I was totally devasted and gutted, he has gone to live with her to be with his son. he says he doesn't want to miss a minute from him now, and wants to make up for lost time. i totally understand this coz i have a 1 year old daughter. its jus that this has changed everything between us.

 

His babymom wants them to be a family and although he has told her about me she has dismissed it saying we are not serious and that i am jus a distraction, she has also employed all her seductive and suggestive tactics to get him.

 

I kno he loves me and is only there for his son but I am so scared i am goin to lose him to her. i dont want him to give up his son, i jus feel insecure and anxious, especially coz i am so far away.

 

we have arranged for me to go out to him soon but i dont want any drama. what should i do? am i being unreasonable?

Merin Established Member

Merin

Posted
Posted

No offense to you at all...

 

Your BF's story sounds like a load of sh*t.

 

You've never met him, all you know about him is what he's told you.. which may or may not be true.. and I find it interesting that once plans were set in motion for the 2 of you to finally meet face to face he's now got a long lost Son that's one year old and the babys Mom suddenly just wants him in her life...

 

Sounds like a bunch of bullsh*t to me... I think this guy's been lying to you for a long time and he didn't know how to get out of his lie so he made up this newest, latest and greatest...

 

Thats just my feeling.. I could be wrong.

Artifact Established Member

Artifact

Posted
Posted

It sounds like you probably need to cancel your trip.

 

Your guy has said he wants to be with his son, and if I understand correctly is living with the baby's mother. He has chosen the family life for now- and I think you're going to have to ride it out. There is a chance he will decide to stay there.

 

If your guy and the mother can make a home for the new baby, it's probably best for the kid. I would give them a chance to get settled into the parenting lifestyle. You can choose to stay in touch with him or not. I would gather that you won't be too happy though if you call him everyday and the other woman answers the phone.

 

If he decides he want to stay with you, I suggest you at least meet in person first, and talk about it. Be realistic though.

HoldOn Established Member

HoldOn

Posted
Posted

It's over. Assuming he is telling the truth, he has already chosen another woman over you. His reason (the child) makes no difference to the ultimate decision (to not be with you).

 

This is why people shouldn't become attached to fake, online relationships, because you don't really even know the person. So... try to move on, I mean you haven't really invested anything in it anyway.

RecordProducer Established Member

RecordProducer

Posted
Posted

There's a guy who lives with a woman and his son across the ocean. You never met him in your life.

You want him to give up his family for someone he never met? Of course, you're not going to fly there and meet him! You don't even know what he is like. I met a few people online and I know how different they can be in reality.

You'll get over. It's not the end of the world for you. Listen to yourself! You want him to give up his family for you. He doesn't love you. He doesn't know you AT ALL. Nor do you know him. Forget him. Not that there's any other option for you.

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Rainbow23 New Member

Rainbow23

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  • Author
Posted

Thanx for ur replies,

 

I understand why u would think it was all bull**** but i kno he hasn't been stringing me along, as hard as that may seem, as i say i speak to him every day all day, he genuinely didn't kno he had a son. i was on the fone wen he had the paternity test...

 

And i kno that i shud leave him to try n be a family... i even tried this by tellin him to be a family with her, it was hard but i thought it was the best thing, but it was him who said he dont want to be with her and he can only see himself wit me, so we're trying to ride it out, i'm tryin to be patient but this is the hardest thing i've been thru

 

And to holdon, i have neva asked him to give up his family....i did not meet him online i met him thru a friend. he actually wants to be with me. My dilema was jus how to deal with his son's mother...but i guess its hard for people to truly understand the situation

 

anyways thanx 4 listening

RecordProducer Established Member

RecordProducer

Posted
Posted

The point is not whether he lied to you. I believe that you can tell when someone is lying. But the fact that he lives with this woman and his son makes him NOT AVAILABLE.

He wants to be with you? Well you don't want to be with someone who is living with a woman and a child. Plus you don't know him in person. The chemistry might not be there at all. Been there, done that. I spoke with a guy for 4 months for long hours every day, we did voice and webcam, and when we met in person the chemistry was not there. He seemed sooooooooooooo perfect online.

Let me guess, you're super hot and sexy and he wants to meet you some day?

60sdreamgirl Member

60sdreamgirl

Posted
Posted

hey there rainbow, understand what u must be goin through. here's this guy who u've poured ur heart out too and he has too, he's prob not a bad guy probly just thought u were an amazing woman he'd like to have a relationship while (now this is all my guessin right here) in the back of his mind he knew he possibly had a baby to attend to..... very irresponsible on his part........ and made him mess w/ ur heart....... he probly feels guilty about it and is tryin to lay the blame on his first woman, who probly is not your true enemy here....... he's just trynna shift the blame.........trust me on this one........ i used to be in a relationship wit a man who had a gf and made up this story about how she was preggers and thats why he had to stay w/ her........ it's a crock full o sh** just to lay the blame off himself......... u need a real man........ a mature guy who know what he wants in life........... just please dont get any more involved with this man, for ur own sake......... i know its hard seeing it when ur right smack dab in the middle o it.......... but trust us on this one

HoldOn Established Member

HoldOn

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by Rainbow23

Thanx for ur replies,

 

I understand why u would think it was all bull**** but i kno he hasn't been stringing me along, as hard as that may seem, as i say i speak to him every day all day, he genuinely didn't kno he had a son. i was on the fone wen he had the paternity test...

 

And i kno that i shud leave him to try n be a family... i even tried this by tellin him to be a family with her, it was hard but i thought it was the best thing, but it was him who said he dont want to be with her and he can only see himself wit me, so we're trying to ride it out, i'm tryin to be patient but this is the hardest thing i've been thru

 

And to holdon, i have neva asked him to give up his family....i did not meet him online i met him thru a friend. he actually wants to be with me. My dilema was jus how to deal with his son's mother...but i guess its hard for people to truly understand the situation

 

anyways thanx 4 listening

 

Nothing you've said changes the fact that he chose this other woman over you. I was assuming he is NOT a liar. Actions speak louder than words, he can SAY anything... It is what he DOES that matters.

 

He lives with another woman, he chose to be with her and nothing that he says changes that. Sorry. His reasons for choosing her and not you don't matter, he has made his decision.

 

It doesn't matter whether he is a good person or not. It doesn't matter whether he INTENDS on being with you "some day" and riding this out. He is still not with you, he is living with another woman.

friend182 Member

friend182

Posted
Posted

Rainbow 23,

 

I would not give up yet.

 

I have been involved in a long distance romance so I know that it is totally possible to fall in love with someone over the phone and it can even be successful.

 

This is the thing, how much of yourself are you willing to gamble? I would bet that this living together thing between him and his baby's mother is not going to work. If he was that impressed with her, he would have stayed with her in the first place and not just had a fling.

 

Secondly, I bet that before long this woman gets tired of him. Imagine living with a man (I bet you know how challenging that can be) dealing with a baby and not even having a commitment. She may not be that crazy about him. She is probably just trying for the child's sake.

 

Now, Are you willing to wait around? I have no idea. I would fly out and see him. I would look into his eyes and see if he was what I thought he was. I would talk about this whole ordeal face to face. At least then you know. You don't have to spend the rest of your life wondering, "what if."

 

Who knows? You might meet the guy and decide that he is not that great. Then you could call the whole thing off and be in charge of it, instead of feeling like you are trying to win over this other woman and child.

RecordProducer Established Member

RecordProducer

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by friend182

I would not give up yet.

I have been involved in a long distance romance so I know that it is totally possible to fall in love with someone over the phone and it can even be successful.

 

This is completely irrelevant in this case. I met my fiance on the net, he is also from the US, but he was SINGLE!!!! I didn't have to win him over another woman.

 

And what if she falls in love with him and he pulls her nose for months and never leaves his child's mother? Isn't it better for her to find a single man or at least meet this one when he leaves his GF?

It's not humane to have a goal like "I want to steal him from his GF and kid." He is sleeping with her right now. Do you think they sleep in separate beds? I truly doubt it!

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