yellowrose Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 My boyfriend of 3 1/2 months just broke up with me last night. Out of the clear blue sky. We've had no problems, no arguments, get along great, make each other laugh, are very affectionate, lots of attraction...all the good stuff and none of the bad. -Or so I thought. So here's the deal. He tells me that he's worried because he doesn't feel like he's in love with me and wants to break up with me because of it. Then the conversation turns into "Maybe we shouldn't just break up, maybe we should take a step back and slow down a bit." and he's coming over after work to talk about it. What do I do? Do I trust this? Isn't he just going to flip flop again in a week? I adore this man. I truly do. I'll even admit that I do love him. I want things to have a chance to work out for us if they can. What do I do? I'll be seeing him in just a couple of hours. Do I just sit there composed and unemotional, do I try to soothe him and be sweet, do I absolutely not cry, do I cry??? What can I say to him to calm him down? When we were talking about this earlier he was crying, telling me how much he cares about me and how sad he is that we're breaking up. That doesn't make any sense!
Merin Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Honestly it sounds to me he is afraid of what he IS FEELING not of what he isn't.. I think maybe he has deeper feelings for you than he knows what to do with and it's freaking him out... He's the one who wants to talk so.. I say let him talk.. know what I mean? LISTEN more than you talk.. Don't try to talk him out of things... Let him figure this one out... Good Luck honey
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Well we know he's definitely confused. A little scared and seems like a small part wants to hang onto that single life but still be with you. When you talk to him, tell him that you are either in a relationship or your dating. Committed or not. End of story. Then if he agrees to dating you still have him and have a chance to see other people. Good luck
RecordProducer Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 It sounds like he wants to date someone else, but doesn't want to tell you about it. He feels bad because you had a great relationship and he is not really in love with you (obviously). He wants to move a step back to non-exclusive terms, when we can date other people as well. Capish? Why else would he want to break up or move a step back? The reason why he is also hesitant about breaking up completely is because he is aware of the possibility that it might not work out with the other girl(s) so he'd like to keep you as a reserve. In any case, be honest, but stay a LADY! Don't humiliate yourself, don't cry, don't beg, don't ask for too many explanations. You have a right to ask questions and make conclusions, but don't expect that he will tell you the truth. He is definitely not in love with you. If he is then he will come back to you eventually. Let him go. Did he start a relationship with you right after ending being with someone for a long time?
Author yellowrose Posted May 12, 2005 Author Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by Merin Honestly it sounds to me he is afraid of what he IS FEELING not of what he isn't.. I think maybe he has deeper feelings for you than he knows what to do with and it's freaking him out... I hear stuff like this a lot. What does it mean? I've never felt like this. To me, it's pretty simple. When I have deep feelings for someone, I don't run away from them, I want to be with them more. I just don't understand this whole "afraid of what he's feeling" thing because I've never experienced it. But it sure does seem to come up an awful lot with guys. So how do you overcome that? Only a couple of hours before he comes over...
Skullcrusher Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 He doesn't love you, seriously. I speak from similar experience that's going to occur sooner or later. Just because a couple doesn't get in an argument, or is affectionate doesn't mean deep inside he knows that he doesn't really have that "feeling" for you. A girl can fake an orgasm but a guy can fake an entire relationship. And let me tell you what girls say except with a bit more manly truth: "It's not you, it's my thoughts that want someone else."
Author yellowrose Posted May 12, 2005 Author Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer It sounds like he wants to date someone else, but doesn't want to tell you about it. Did he start a relationship with you right after ending being with someone for a long time? I asked him straight out about the first a couple of times. He says no no no. It'll be hard to carry that on if he's lying because we have a few mutual friends and he lives about 3 blocks away from me. So I imagine it's in his best interest to be honest. He hasn't been in any sort of serious relationship for 3 years. And one of his friends told another mutual friend that she has never known him to date...ever.
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 I'm with Merin on this one. Completely. Give him some time to figure it out... Be honest with him - Yet don't pressure him. Just let him do the talking and really pay attention to his body language. It's so easy to misinterpret what is being said into what you want TO BE said. I know I've done that and had misunderstandings...Don't be afraid to tell him you don't understand what he means either, if you don't feel you get wtf he is saying. Hope all goes well and it's just a case of the jitteries...Hang in there.
Author yellowrose Posted May 12, 2005 Author Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Just let him do the talking and really pay attention to his body language. Thank you so much. What should I be looking for body language-wise? I really appreciate all the feedback. This is really sad and scary. I don't understand why it's happening. He just told me a couple of days ago how much he adores me, how crazy he is about me, how special I am to him and how much he cares about me. Then this 180. It's like having the rug pulled out from under me.
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 If he's touchy/feely...Looks in your eyes, gets abit emotional -OR - If his arms are crossed and he doesn't touch you, look you right in the eye, seems too nervous and even is abit moody...That's not a good thing. I really think the 180 turnabout here is ALL ABOUT HIM and you have not done anything wrong. He's freaking out! Men tend to close up and back away when they can't deal with deep feelings/emotions. Which is why if you play it understanding, BE confident and reassure him that if he does need some time to think YOU will be there for him always. Try not to stress out too much (Yeah, easier said than done...) because you're gonna make yourself sick over this. Guys don't act like he is unless he's feeling ALOT. In my experience anyway. If he wasn't into you anymore I think you'd get that "back off" vibe big time from him, and he doesn't seem to be putting out negative energy.
magda Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Eh, I bet if you say, "Well, if you don't really love me, let's not waste my time", he'll be crawling on his knees in a few days. But who wants a weiny who doesn't know which ways up? My vote is for telling him not to contact you again until he can articulate whatever the hell he's trying to be talking about. Then You can decide whether you care to see him anymore. One thing he did make clear: he doesn't think he loves you anymore. Maybe he never really did - maybe it was all an act or infatuation. Don't get caught up in the rest of his emo theatrics. You know what you want - why mess around with his hot-and-cold shtick?
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 But who wants a weiny who doesn't know which ways up? sorry, that just got my attention...
Author yellowrose Posted May 12, 2005 Author Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by magda One thing he did make clear: he doesn't think he loves you anymore. Maybe he never really did - maybe it was all an act or infatuation. He's never said he loves me. He's a very slow mover. Only just a couple of days ago poured out all this "I'm crazy about you, you're so special to me, I'm so happy, I really care about you" stuff. Like I said, it's a very sudden hot and cold thing. Even this morning he said all of those things. The *only* reason he is giving me for breaking up is that I "love him and [he is] sad because he doesn't feel the same way and doesn't know if he will".
magda Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Well, pretend I said this: One thing he did make clear: he doesn't think he loves you. Maybe it was all an act or infatuation. I still think you should cut him off and don't let him carry things out with "well maybe i'll slow down and put you on trial and see if i love you" bs. A committed relationship is a yes or no thing. Maybe doesn't apply.
HoldOn Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 When a guys asks for space, give him enough space to walk to the moon. There's nothing you can do to make him love you at this point, except absense. So, I recommend you say "I agree, let's take a step back." and "I've been thinking exactly the same thing." don't cry, don't get over-emotional, that will just scare him. At 3.5 months however he should know whether he loves you or not. Also, did HE ask you out first? Have you been smoothering him by calling him or asking him out? Have you been letting him pursue you?
magda Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup sorry, that just got my attention... I also liked the "don't mess around with his hot and cold shtick" bit.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by yellowrose Even this morning he said all of those things. The *only* reason he is giving me for breaking up is that I "love him and [he is] sad because he doesn't feel the same way and doesn't know if he will". The point where you are in a relationship - when the infatuation cools: you are left with a choice - pursue love with the person you know that you want to love, or make your break with the person you know you can not love back. I don't know why you would be trying to read anything in to this. When a guy says "I don't love you and don't think I ever will" - he means it. It sounds to me like it is a sad and simple case of him being honest with you. So often you see such BS given, when really - if it has to be done, the way that he is doing it is best. He is telling you the truth, and not giving you false hope. He may have backpedaled with the "lets see if we can take it slow" thing - but I have a feeling he said that only for your benefit to make the blow of the breakup softer. No matter the case: the best thing is to not go into this with no expectations in either direction. Be willing to hear him out completely, without interjecting, crying/begging/etc. If he wants to leave, the very best thing you can do is let him go. Do not try to keep him in a relationship if the only person it will ultimately benefit is you. When one person wants to go, and the other person won't let them go - the person who stays, stays out of obligation: which inevitably will turn to frustration, and resentment.
Merin Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 YR, I don't know if he's over there now or not... I'm telling you from my own experience that often people especially it seems Guys will start to flake as soon as feelings come into play... IMO If he had zero feelings for you he would've already let this whole thing go with "I don't want this" there wouldn't have been a follow up call to clarify or a time arranged for the 2 of you to talk. You've said that you're not afraid of what you're feeling.. BUT the thing to keep in mind is, he is. Don't push things, don't try to sway him one way or the other... he will come to his own decision if this is worth the fear of loosing... I hope it goes the way you would want it too...
babybear Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 I'm gonna have to go with Merin on this one.. In my experience, when a guy wasn't into me anymore - he never really wanted to "talk" about it or anything. He would just be more and more distant...and that's about it. Maybe a call to get my stuff, a hug, and a "call me if you ever need me" before sending me on my way! My current bf acted very much like your guy in the beginning. Very hot and cold. He had had his heart majorly broken by his previous gf, and was on a mission not to have a new gf....so he was taking the "I have feelings for you" thing really hard. One day he loved me, and one day he wanted to split up. It's extremely frustrating though. We just agreed to go sloooow....as to not freak him out. I was firm that we were bf/gf and not just dating, but we gave each other space. Anyway, long story short - it's been 3 years! Just work together, understand his fears. etc. Good luck!
Author yellowrose Posted May 13, 2005 Author Posted May 13, 2005 Originally posted by HoldOn Also, did HE ask you out first? Have you been smoothering him by calling him or asking him out? Have you been letting him pursue you? Actually, no! I made it clear to him right off the bat that I wouldn't be the one calling him. He's the one who initiates everything. He called me first, he asked me out---he's always the one who asks me out. He e-mails me every day... I mean, really it's as close to The Rules as I could hope to do. So here's the deal---- He came over, I cooked dinner, we ended up hugging and kissing quite a bit. He said he didn't want to talk about breaking up. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it for a week. The body language was good. He kept smiling at me and was very affectionate. So, maybe just a case of cold feet? I guess we'll see. What do you guys think?
magda Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Well, do what you're gonna do. I can't imagine how you're comfortable acting like nothing happened. It's best for your relationship to air that kind of thing as soon as possible. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen anyway. If you're going to stay together, being able to talk about that kind of thing is what's going to keep you together.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Originally posted by yellowrose What do you guys think? I think that no matter what happens, you need to keep this in the back of your thoughts: So here's the deal. He tells me that he's worried because he doesn't feel like he's in love with me and wants to break up with me because of it. Then the conversation turns into "Maybe we shouldn't just break up, maybe we should take a step back and slow down a bit." and he's coming over after work to talk about it. No matter what his motivations are, his emotional levels do not match yours right now. You are ahead of him in that aspect, and I imagine that since you have done no wrong in this situation - walking out of the relationship was a lot harder to do for him than he thought it would be. He likely couldn't justify doing so, so he changed his mind about breaking up. That doesn't mean that his feelings about breaking up with you just magically disappeared. I'm sure he is troubled by the fact that they are still there, and he has no idea how to deal with them. Ignoring the fact that he said that to you, and pretending it never happened would be a huge mistake. I'm not saying be suspicious, or paranoid - but be aware that he has already sent you warning signals about this 'perfectly good' relationship. What seems to be perfect to you, apparently isn't to him. When you talk to him about it, don't ask "why did you say that", ask... "what can we do or change in the relationship that will help strengthen your feelings for me?" Right now, I expect that despite the fact that he doesn't feel the same way about you that you do for him, he is staying around and at least seems interested enough to stick around. How long will he stick around? It depends on how long he goes in trying to match the level of love you have for him, and not being able to make them match up.
Author yellowrose Posted May 13, 2005 Author Posted May 13, 2005 Originally posted by magda I can't imagine how you're comfortable acting like nothing happened. Whoa no! I didn't say that! I told him that I would see him once a week and cool it on the sex for a while until we take some time getting to know each other better. We started sleeping together after a month and, for me at least, it seems like getting to really know all the little things about the other person tends to slow down a lot after the sex is initiated. It's still too soon for him to be seeing me 3-4 times a week. Once that kicks in, the chase is over and their attention starts to wander. He's a good guy. Very sweet, very affectionate, honest, hard-working, active, smart... I really think that you gals who pegged it as being a critical time in the relationship where he wasn't sure what to do with his feelings are right on the money. I'm not naive, but I am in love. -Which is almost as bad sometimes, eh? I'm still smart enough to listen to outside input and judge for myself and since I actually know the guy, I'll tell you that I do indeed feel that this makes the most sense. Thank you all SO much for all the input at such a fragile time. I used the advice and it seems to have helped smoothe the road a bit. I'll keep my eyes wide open and be patient. No pressure. xo!
ConfusedSensitiveGuy Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 some girls call their guys too much Lets make sure everyone knows this simple and very crucial piece of information. "NOONE Likes anyone who is too Available" Live it and learn it boys and gals
Author yellowrose Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 There's something wrong. After that whole breakup thing last week, I feel numb. I don't feel mushy towards him now. What's wrong with me? He's been a prince since then. Yesterday my car had to go into the shop and I was going to have to get my daughter out of bed to do it, so he came by and took it for me. When he came back, I kissed him a bunch on the cheek to thank him for doing such a sweet thing. I barely felt anything though. I know I adore him, but I'm not feeling those swoony feelings I felt before our day-long split. Is it possible that I just have a wall up? Is that what people mean when they say that? It's making me so sad. What do you guys think?
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