Agnebert Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 (edited) I was with a guy for nearly 3 years. He treated me like gold yet I had trust issues and pushed him away with jealousy and he gave me numerous chances to change and get help...eventually he left and we didn't talk for a month. He eventually came back and said he was willing to see if the month had helped me at all to change, and this was after I begged and pleaded with him the first time around. Things were great. We were together for two months and things did start to get a bit rocky because I wasn't totally over him leaving and I couldn't get past it. So he said let's do a break and I'll be here when you get over it. I did not take that opportunity...but for the most part we were still talking about how happy we were this time and he said on many occasions he was very much in love again and it wasn't even an option to break up. We got into a bit of a tiff over me not getting sleep and being cranky two weeks ago, and since he was keeping his distance so I was starting to get scared and desperate. He ended it yesterday and said he doesn't feel the same and no more chances. He's now Mia at a friends trying to avoid me. I just wish I had taken the break and got help. Because I don't want to live like this or treat him undeservingly.. I want to convince him to just make it a break but I don't even know when ill speak to him next. What do I do... I don't want to do this again, I just want him to calm down and reconsider. I messed up and I know I could fix it if he let me. Does he really not love me or just fed up? Edited September 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~6 1
drseuss Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Sounds like he made an effort to work it out and you were to busy getting lost in emotions and pushing him away , this might be a hard learned lesson for you Give him some time , that's all you can do , any more perusing may do more damage 2
Satu Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 (edited) When it comes to dealing with deep-seated issues, a month is nothing. Change is hard work and it takes time. Find yourself a therapist and face up to your demons. Take them on and beat them. If you don't, you'll always fall back to where you are now, no matter who you're with. I realise my comments aren't very comforting, but I'm giving you the answer to this question: "What should I do?" Take care. Edited September 2, 2015 by Satu 2
Author Agnebert Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 Thank you for your caring words, and you hit the nail on the head drseuss. I just wish he would believe me that I'm sorry and that it would be different this time. Nothing encourages me more than a situation like this. I guess you're right about giving time and I'm sure he's avoiding because he doesn't think I will back off. I wrote him apologizing about it all and that I should have taken the break and I hope he'll consider that at least. That was a day ago and he hasn't been home. All I want is to talk to him calmly and it's very hard to wait without feeling extremely depressed and anxious. 1
drseuss Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 It's good you can see where you went wrong and you should be proud of that , show him with actions not words you are a better version of yourself , im sure he cares and won't just forget you , I think you will be ok if you do the right things and give him space and time 2
Author Agnebert Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 And by the right things you mean waiting for him to respond to that message, if at all, then waiting waiting waiting? How do I try and approach him in a none threatening way to actually talk it out once he does come out of hiding... This is torture. 1
drseuss Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 No way ! Right things are move on with your life and try and forget about him ,It's over . He need space and doesn't want to talk to you , if he chooses to he will and that's it , By working on your self while you are in no contact , if he did come back you will be a better person and if he doesn't you will still be a better person There is no way to approach him ,leave him alone , I think if you contact him at all again you will truly be distroying ant posative feelings he might have and just annoying him 2
quattrob Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 You would be naive to think that just because you realized your mistakes that that is enough, no and realizing it doesnt change you. What steps have you taken to improve? He asked you to get help but im guessing you were too busy feeling happy with him that you think that's enough... I think you blew your chances, this is a perfect example of short reconciliation because no changes were made or even effort. It's good that you are sorry and know what you couldve done, but your ex doesnt care about that, of course he knows that you're sorry but thats not what hes looking for. He was hoping that you actually listen to him and put effort into changing but you didnt so he's now done. Its too much headache for him and quite frankly its not up to him to change you, only you can change you. Best to give him time and not contact him for now. Let him decide if he wants to contact you. 2
Satu Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 The thing that matters most is a positive change in a person's behaviour. It's the only true measure of progress. 1
Author Agnebert Posted September 3, 2015 Author Posted September 3, 2015 Update (though not much of one) is that he has read my message about the break, in which I said he doesn't have to answer right away but that it would be nice if he could think it over for a bit and that I will start working on myself in the meantime, regardless. I know, words, not actions. I mentioned that I was going to get a therapist (urgent) at the hospital and not drink (that has sometimes made us fight). He has not written back so I am taking that as he is taking the time to consider? Since that Is what I asked. I'm sure he expects me to msg again once I get impatient, but, once he sees that I'm not and actually giving him his space, he might see that I'm serious. As for what steps I've taken. I have spoken with my doctor but it has not seemed to help- I need something more extensive, hense going to the hospital this week. I have tried stopping myself in my tracks and trying to find my triggers. I've tried being open to new things and saying "yes" to experiences more often. I know I have made some improvement, but I also know I cannot do this %100 without a bit of help. I was going to go to his house and help his mom garden and such today, talk things through with her (we are fairly close) but now that I know he is home, I'm obviously not going to invade his space. That might have seemed like a desperate attempt to him anyway. So I am hoping for the best, hoping he will see the changes, even me not hounding him to talk is a big difference I think. Most important thiugh, if he does agree to a break, letting him down again isn't even an option. Him or someone else. I need to work through this and I hope to the universe it isn't too late. I'm sorry for my lack of paragraphs, I'm on a cellphone! Thanks so much for your very helpful, honest input. Keep it coming. 1
quattrob Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 Now it's good that you're doing things to improve and get better but you should not be doing this just because you want him to give you another chance.. you need to do this for yourself because you genuinely believe it's for your own good and not because you want another chance with him. If he does give you another chance that should only be a bonus to you. You are still focusing way too much on what he's thinking and coming up with a strategy to win him back, you will fail if you keep doing that. You need to be honest with yourself when you want to change and/or improve, it's only for your own good and that you honestly believe you are doing this for yourself. 2
Satu Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 You have to take your attention off him and focus on yourself. 2
Author Agnebert Posted September 3, 2015 Author Posted September 3, 2015 I completely agree, and I know I am thinking too much about what he's thinking or doing, I just want to make sure I go about it the right way based on how he may be feeling if that makes sense? Plus, it's only been maybe 3 days. His mom and I talked on the phone today and I came clean about feeling guilty about my behavior etc. She said that when she asked him if we had broken up, he said "Kind of.. I just want things to be good.. I'm waiting" and advised to just give him space. Which is what I'm going to be doing regardless. I know now that I can't just think of things I will be doing, I have to actually do them, and that I'm never going to be happy with myself in any relationship unless I change. I KNOW all of this. And I do feel as if I'm doing the right thing for myself, not letting myself wallow in it all and just trying to do things to keep me busy. I've taken care of all of my responsibilities instead of putting them on the backburner; I've been researching therapists in the city and have e-mailed a few; and despite the urge and opportunity to just go and drink it away, I've been eating well (as much as I can) drinking tea and water, and hanging around family. I think things should be OK for me regardless, I just have to be strong and stick to my word. Thank you again, guys...this has been my first post after being on the website for about a year, and it has made me feel as better as I possibly could.
Author Agnebert Posted September 4, 2015 Author Posted September 4, 2015 Feeling anxiety again today because we were supposed to go camping today. I know I need to be strong. I know what I heard yesterday should give me hope and that it should be a clear sign that the only way I can fix this is do just that, but all I want right now is to talk to him. Or some other glimmer of hope. Help
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