erebos Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 (edited) This is my first post but I've been reading on LS for quite some time. Just wanted to say thank you to anyone who reads this (it is long) and anyone who offers advice. I'm struggling so hard right now and trying to sort myself out. I'm a 28[M] who dated a 26[F] for 4 years. I had my heart broken twice by the same person. I believe this relationship was toxic and has frankly left me shell shocked, abandoned, alone and devastated. I don't understand why I stayed and fought for it for so long... I don't understand my own actions or why I became the person I have. I'll give a synopsis of the relationship and some of my perceptions of red flags as I see them... sorry if this long or all over the place: I met this girl 4 years ago. (April 2011) I travel for my job (musician) so it was at a show 2 hours from my hometown. I had seen her at my shows before, at this particular one I saw her arguing with a guy outside. Later that night I got her number at the bar. I found out that the guy she was arguing with was her ex boyfriend who she recently dumped who had come to the show because he thought she was on a date and was flipping out. (this is all what she told me) Anyway at the time she was just another girl I was talking to, increasingly liking each other but I had no plans to date as I was 2 hours away and found the ex boyfriend situation a bit strange. Fast forward a month or two. We obviously like each other and I had since gone to her town to hang out with her once. One day she tells me she is moving to my area to go to school. She moves over that summer and we hang out more as obviously its more convenient. A few months of this one night she asks me when I'm going to make her my girlfriend. I thought about it for a while and a few weeks later I make it official. Okay so honeymoon phase is well underway... the night we made it official was the first night we hooked up and all is well. Maybe a month or two goes by and as I am away from town one night she calls me to say she isn't sure if she wants to be together. She said she is conflicted by being physical with me because of her beliefs. (I knew she was religious (or wanted to be) but had also told me how she likes having sex...) I was confused as she was the one that actually initiated the physical part of our relationship. After a few days we still talk and decide to stay together. We continue as normal... she still initiates physical things. Also during this time period the same ex she argued with continually tries to get in touch with her. She says he is crazy and she doesn't respond. I tell her it bothers me and she needs to end it somehow. Now we are early into 2012. Things have gotten more rough... as I am away for work (weeks at a time sometimes) we would argue a lot. She would continually claim that I don't like her enough. I don't post anything about her on social media, or tell her she is beautiful enough etc... So there are frequent arguments followed by good times. There were 2 or 3 instances where she would break up with me, I would fight for her and talk to her and she would get back together (she later told me that these were the times it felt like I actually cared about her and fought for her). We make it to summer where I have my first feelings of what is happening... I tell her I am confused and not sure how I feel about everything but we talk it out. For the rest of the year things were actually better. Still arguments and her feeling as if I don't do enough, but I try. So finally we are into early 2013 and she moves back home to transfer schools (2 hours away). We decide to stay together but after about 2 months of her being home she tells me she wants a break. A few days into it she tells me doesn't want to be with me anymore... after some prodding I find she has been hanging out with a guy from her work and she leaves me for him. I am heartbroken. I went no contact and started to grieve... but about two months after I get a call from her. She apparently says she realized she made a huge mistake. She loves me and has a problem with intimacy. Her father left when she was 2 and her mom is Narcissist who never truly showed her love and jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend her whole life. So apparently my ex cheated on her new boyfriend with guess who, her old ex from before. Also she hooked up with another guy during this time before coming back to me and dumping her new boyfriend. I tell her I am confused and hurt and she needs some serious therapy. I tell her I don't know if I could ever trust her again. Eventually (and stupidly) I agree I want to try again...(middle 2013) but I want to take it slow. I originally wanted us to spend a period of NC where she worked on herself and then we could try again but she talked me into rushing. I would try to talk to her about how I felt and the betrayal but she would often get upset and wanted me to just get over it. This is where I start to decline. I slip into a bad depression and low self esteem. I'll wrap this up because it's getting long... basically over the next 2 years she cheated on me about 3 or 4 times. She stopped going to therapy and I continually took her back. I believed it was because I was away so much for work and that I didn't show her enough intimacy. Towards the end she told me she wanted to do whatever it took to work it out and breaking up wasn't an option. Then this summer she moved to a bigger city (still 2 hours away) for a new job. She stayed over night with her new boss in a hotel and told me about it. She said nothing happened and I told her that was not okay. A week later she dumps me and says she isn't happy anymore and this is it for good. She said it's not because of another guy this time. It's been 2 months now and I've been no contact the entire time. What I am trying to sort out is WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I let this person walk all over me. Through cheating and what feels like emotional abuse. Was I not good enough, should I have quit my job as a musician to be around more to prevent the cheating?? I feel guilty for slipping into my depression. I had just made the decision to start therapy and medication when she left me. I still miss her... I feel so empty and abandoned. I helped her through her hard time, tried to encourage her to get help. Am I seriously messed up?? What do I do to get over this because I can't seem to let it go. I loved this girl so much. Sorry for the huge confusing post guys Edited September 2, 2015 by erebos
drseuss Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 My last relationship was similar , much more short term , but had a lot of uncertainty and is abosultly exhausting ! I think when you spend a long time in a relationship like this you have felt so much strong emotion like heartbreak , happiness, sadness ect that when it ends it's hard to accept But from what you've posted I think this is something that isn't going to get much better because perhaps your not compatable, you might be in love but you two as a couple just won't work for the long term , it sucks but it's probaly for the best it's over and you can look to the future , it's good you feel upset it means your a human and your normal , just make sure you trying to move on a little bit each day , you'll be fine
Christos Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Well my friend, first things first: No, it is not your fault she cheated. No way. Don't feel responsible for it, you couldn't have prevented it anyway. This woman is damaged, needs serious therapy, and will go on like this until life hits her in the face, until she comes to face all she has done and gets a lot of pain... You are not supposed to stand guard over your woman 24/7 in order for her to not fck other guys. Seriously. Relationships take work, true, but not like this... Truth is, you just fell in love and overlooked all signs and red flags. Which, frankly, were quite early in your relationship. It is ok, she may be good looking, you may had been lonely at that time... It can happen to the best of us... The first, major red flag, was the night you met, the ex she was fighting with... From experience, i found out this is a major sign to walk away/take your time. This means the break up was recent (she hasn't healed yet) and that she initiated it (which may mean the ex was a jerk, but more often than not it's the other way around...). Also, saying she was religious after having sex was a big red flag. She was/is a hypocrite. True religious people follow what they preach, or remain silent... They don't pay lip service to the faith, and then fck like whores... The only thing i can say to you, is get the hell away from her. It hurts. I know. Just do it, no matter what she says. She may come back. She may say she regretted what she did blah blah blah. Lies lies and more lies. Don't be deceived anymore. You have already wasted 4 years of your life. There are better women out there for you.
Recommended Posts