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So I am not going to be friends, but I want to talk it out with her, end on good note

ConfusedKyle

By ConfusedKyle
in The Other Man / Woman

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ConfusedKyle Member

ConfusedKyle

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Got involved with an older woman, got some intense/passionate, I found out she was married, living with guy (claims they dont have sex, I believe her) but I still broke it off with her, the drama was too much.

 

Anyway, I have felt AWFUL breaking up with her despite the fact she never told me she was married (of which I never would have gotten involved) and we were really close with each other, but I dropped her hard and completely.

 

I travel a lot, and live in different part of country, but I am back in the area for a few days, and I seriously am considering meeting her in a public place to tell her 'I cared about you, I loved you, but I am not going to be involved in an affair, it's bothered me the way it ended, but I can't stay with you. I hope you work it out with your husband.'

 

I DO care about her, and I felt guilty dropping her out of the blue, its been no contact for about a month.

 

Any tips? Thanks

Survivor12 Established Member

Survivor12

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If you really do care about her, don't contact her.

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ConfusedKyle Member

ConfusedKyle

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Why? I got messages from her about how confused she is, how she just wants to hear from me etc. My own mind has been caught up on her for a month since NC and I'm still guilty over what happened.

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CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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Nope. Contacting her will only open the door and offer her breadcrumbs.

 

Don't go there... She knows why you are silent and it should remain that way.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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Anyway, I have felt AWFUL breaking up with her despite the fact she never told me she was married (of which I never would have gotten involved) and we were really close with each other, but I dropped her hard and completely.

 

 

Kudos to you. This is exactly what you should have done and there is no need to do anything else.

txgrl Established Member

txgrl

Posted
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take it from a Mw who had an A with a single guy , she is definitely Confused too AND looking for her ego boost . She might not be aware of it but that's what it is . If crushes her ego that u get to walk away from this mess and instead of getting her **** together , she's focussed on trying to reel u back in .

 

It's over, move on ,block her everywhere. V hard but doable . Really your only option to go back to a health normal sane life .

Best

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted
Why? I got messages from her about how confused she is, how she just wants to hear from me etc. My own mind has been caught up on her for a month since NC and I'm still guilty over what happened.

 

 

I experienced this too when I dropped xMM without word too, but trust me, no good will come of you talking to her again. She knows why you disappeared, and even IF she doesn't, who cares? She has a husband.

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ConfusedKyle Member

ConfusedKyle

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I felt like we were friends, that we connected in a way most dont. There was some serious 'rescuer' things going on where she complained about her husband not leaving, taking all her money, etc etc.

 

I 'liked' her, I 'loved' her, and I know I need to not be invovled at all with her, but the guilt of ABANDONING someone is killing me - I was/am a 'nice guy' and dont abandon people.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted (edited)
I felt like we were friends, that we connected in a way most dont. There was some serious 'rescuer' things going on where she complained about her husband not leaving, taking all her money, etc etc.

 

I 'liked' her, I 'loved' her, and I know I need to not be invovled at all with her, but the guilt of ABANDONING someone is killing me - I was/am a 'nice guy' and dont abandon people.

 

You need to get over whatever "friendship" or "connection" you thought you had. It was toxic.

 

And anytime you feel like you have abandoned her, just remember that she has a husband to "save" her and be there for her. I say this because I used to feel that way too, that I was abandoning xMM and then I remembered that this is what he has a wife for. To help him through life and tough times, etc. That is why they are married/what a spouse is for, it's their job, whereas I had no one. I stopped feeling sorry for him quickly. Trust me, any consolation she needs, she will get from her husband.

Edited by Popsicle
Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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And a SINGLE woman deserves all your love and kindess, not a married woman. Find a single woman to not abandon.

lftbehind Established Member

lftbehind

Posted
Posted
Got involved with an older woman, got some intense/passionate, I found out she was married, living with guy (claims they dont have sex, I believe her) but I still broke it off with her, the drama was too much.

 

Anyway, I have felt AWFUL breaking up with her despite the fact she never told me she was married (of which I never would have gotten involved) and we were really close with each other, but I dropped her hard and completely.

 

I travel a lot, and live in different part of country, but I am back in the area for a few days, and I seriously am considering meeting her in a public place to tell her 'I cared about you, I loved you, but I am not going to be involved in an affair, it's bothered me the way it ended, but I can't stay with you. I hope you work it out with your husband.'

 

I DO care about her, and I felt guilty dropping her out of the blue, its been no contact for about a month.

 

Any tips? Thanks

 

You said that she emotionally abused you in another post. You shouldn't feel guilty about dropping her and you don't owe her any explanations. It sounds like you want to get physical with her again. It won't lead anywhere good

lemondrop21 Established Member

lemondrop21

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Is there a reason you have to meet her in person? I would recommend avoiding that as it may end up re-starting things. Anything you feel that you HAVE to say to her, could be said in an email, and after sending you would re-block her (telling her that you plan to do this).

 

Maybe you could tell yourself that there is no REAL time pressure with this; I know you feel you need to see her while she is in town, but you don't actually NEED to see her. She isn't dying. She is still living in her own mess, which she needs to clean up, on her own.

 

At the end of the day, do what you think will be best for you and your own mental health. I agree with other posters that staying 100% NC is the best option, but if your will or conscience won't allow it, at least consider writing as opposed to seeing her in person. A one-sided conversation is much preferable to a two-sided conversation.

privategal Established Member

privategal

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Your guilt over abandonment will then be replaced with feelings of...I missed seeing her, she looked good, Im responsible now for the tears in her eyes....

Your gonna get pulled back.

Send a polite but firm email and tell her to focus on her husband and that you will not respond to further contact.

This friendship was built on a lie and cannot continue. Theres no good ending so dont try and create one.

Create new bonds and friendships now that you know what is possible. Let it go.

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ConfusedKyle Member

ConfusedKyle

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Ugh, thanks guys, I know I shouldnt. Hearing stories like Popsicle who says had the same feelings I have make it easier to tolerate.

 

I am in this weird stage where I DONT SEE HER NEGATIVES, and this is really bad, because objectively there WERE negatives, like her never calling, playing coy, distant, lie by omission, but I am just focusing on the positive and wanting to end things good.

 

I suppose its because I have an identity that I am 'brave'/strong etc and I broke it off on the phone, and feel like I 'ran away' from some woman.

Eighty_nine Established Member

Eighty_nine

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I disagree a little. I don't think any back-and-forth communication is a good idea. But I think, let's say, a text or e-mail or something clarifying, BUT KEEPING THE DOOR COMPLETELY CLOSED for any more contact, will give her some peace. Make a concise and clear statement, tell her you cannot have any further contact, and block her. she'll get some explanation, you'll get some peace and you can both resume NC.

Darren Steez Established Member

Darren Steez

Posted
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there WERE negatives, like her never calling, playing coy, distant, lie by omission,

 

I suppose its because I have an identity that I am 'brave'/strong etc and I broke it off on the phone, and feel like I 'ran away' from some woman.

 

So bro, if you knew she was married would you have slept with her? When you were with you she never called, she lied...these are all things she did which clearly were not normal and bothered you.

 

She's not confused at all. She didn't call you but when you don't call she's confused? When you drop her for being married she's confused?

 

You're a grown man. All this wanting to do the right thing..do the right thing by that man married to her, leave it alone because if he's as much a douche as she describes by opening contact again you're bringing trouble to your front door when it could have been avoided.

 

You owe her nothing. Move on

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ConfusedKyle Member

ConfusedKyle

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Well, I was considering seeing her this week, and I opened my email (had it closed for about a month) seeing if she wrote me...and she did not write a SINGLE thing.

 

It stung me, made me sad that she moved on so easily, so quickly, without a second thought. It makes me really sad, but also makes me think 'screw meeting her, I apparently meant nothing to her other than an escapist fantasy'.:(

 

it hurts guys, it hurts a lot but now I guess I know...:(

privategal Established Member

privategal

Posted
Posted
Well, I was considering seeing her this week, and I opened my email (had it closed for about a month) seeing if she wrote me...and she did not write a SINGLE thing.

 

It stung me, made me sad that she moved on so easily, so quickly, without a second thought. It makes me really sad, but also makes me think 'screw meeting her, I apparently meant nothing to her other than an escapist fantasy'.:(

 

it hurts guys, it hurts a lot but now I guess I know...:(

 

I can safely say it wasnt easy for her to move on but she also knew she had to. It hurts her too. But the hurt is part of healing and a friendship will hold you back unfortunately though its natural to miss it.

Whats happening here is YOU are healing and right now your in the bargaining stage. You wanna see her, talk to her one more time...hard to accept its over...she was special to you.

Its ok. Just keep going. Your better off...

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ConfusedKyle Member

ConfusedKyle

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'I can safely say it wasnt easy for her to move on but she also knew she had to. It hurts her too. But the hurt is part of healing and a friendship will hold you back unfortunately though its natural to miss it.'

 

Hearing this make harder to move on, that she is out there hurting too, and that we can comfort each other.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted
'I can safely say it wasnt easy for her to move on but she also knew she had to. It hurts her too. But the hurt is part of healing and a friendship will hold you back unfortunately though its natural to miss it.'

 

Hearing this make harder to move on, that she is out there hurting too, and that we can comfort each other.

 

You want a trustworthy woman , not one that lies and cheats.

 

I'm sure you would have no problem finding a single women, who is honest and you don't have to think about her husband.

Poppy47 Established Member

Poppy47

Posted
Posted
Got involved with an older woman, got some intense/passionate, I found out she was married, living with guy (claims they dont have sex, I believe her) but I still broke it off with her, the drama was too much.

 

Anyway, I have felt AWFUL breaking up with her despite the fact she never told me she was married (of which I never would have gotten involved) and we were really close with each other, but I dropped her hard and completely.

 

I travel a lot, and live in different part of country, but I am back in the area for a few days, and I seriously am considering meeting her in a public place to tell her 'I cared about you, I loved you, but I am not going to be involved in an affair, it's bothered me the way it ended, but I can't stay with you. I hope you work it out with your husband.'

 

I DO care about her, and I felt guilty dropping her out of the blue, its been no contact for about a month.

 

Any tips? Thanks

 

Has she contacted you? Maybe she doesn't care. I wouldn't waste time and emotional energy on her.

 

Poppy.

privategal Established Member

privategal

Posted
Posted
'I can safely say it wasnt easy for her to move on but she also knew she had to. It hurts her too. But the hurt is part of healing and a friendship will hold you back unfortunately though its natural to miss it.'

 

Hearing this make harder to move on, that she is out there hurting too, and that we can comfort each other.

 

Sadly my friend your first post started out sounding like you were done, you were moving on. The more you comment, the more it seems you miss her.

You have to consider that while reconciling and talking with her will bring temporary relief and comfort...it comes with a high pricetag of guilt, of wishing she wasn't someoone else's wife, of wanting more time, to be closer, more communication.

While you could give her your full heart...she can only give you a fraction of hers.

The further you get away from it, the more you will see it was necessary.

I think you have thought shes been crying and reaching out and missing you then opening your email really triggered you...she isnt.

Im sure she felt sad...but not in the way you might hope.

I had an emotional affair for years with a friend and he decided to let us go and focus only on his marriage...

I had selfish thoughts...he made me feel pretty...he brightened my day....it was feelings of me me me.

I suggest you keep going and think back fondly someday that you got to experience a special bond...but I think yours was only meant for a SEASON. She has regrouped and let you go because she realized it was best. Missing someone doesn't mean your supposed to be with them.

You are still healing and in denial. Stay strong. You made a dignified choice. Stick with it. Start dating.

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