I would move on if he told me he didn't love me anymore, or if thought we could work?

May 12, 2005

Ok was at the second chance forum, but now I am back at coping. I can not shake my feelings for my ex. We have been broken up for about 3 months. We were really serious, and I can't help to feel that we have hope for us. I am the one who botched things up. We have seen each other twice, but still timing isn't right. I can tell he still feels hurt, and is doing the cool thing. I try not to text, or call, but I can never make it more than a week. I feel like I lost my will power with my darn phone! He thought I was the one for him, how do you go from that; to pretending like I don't exist? I am the one usually telling my friends, "move on with your life" and now I can't take my own advice. In my previous relationships, if they did not work out, I had no problem moving on. I just want to know if he still has any love for me. It is a rare thing to be given a second chance, I just wish he would either tell me there is a possibility, or tell me no! If he told me he didn't love me, It would hurt, but I would move on. So I am left here wondering, if he is just trying to have his cake and eat it to. Knowing I want to work things out. I think if he didn't love me, he would tell me, so I would move on, but he hasn't. So is there a chance?

May 12, 2005

Of course there is a chance, but you can't force it to present itself. Trust me on this one. I asked for a second chance and that pushed her farther away. Now she's with someone else. There's always a chance, but if he doesn't want it now you have to respect that. Leave him be and get on with your life. If he wants to give it another go around, trust me, he'll find you.

May 12, 2005

Hi there.

I know our situations are somewhat different, but at 3 months post-breakup I still cared for my ex-boyfriend and thought perhaps we might be able to have a second chance.

Well, I broke NC to test the waters and ultimately learned that the door is firmly closed on us. It hurts like hell, because we had a great r'ship that looked like it had a bright future. He pursued me hard, but once he had me, he ran.

Anyway, as much as this hurts, I can at least put to rest those hopeful thoughts of reconciliation. I have to believe that this will ultimately help me heal much more quickly...because he will no longer be in the back of my mind as a "well, maybe..."

Perhaps you should ask him directly if there's a chance for you two to try again?

May 12, 2005

Outdated...I know the standard advice is go NC and let them come back to you...but that's when you're the dumpee. Sounds like she's the dumper in this case (is that right?).

In any case, I'm starting to become a fan of getting closure. Had I not contacted my ex, I would have spent many more months in NC wondering, hoping, not truly moving on or healing. I'm in a crap place now, but at least I know not to hope for something that will never happen.

And if something is meant to be, I don't believe one conversation or "NC break" is going to make or break it. People screw stuff up all the time, and those that are "meant to be" find their way back to each other despite "mistakes" made in the process. Not to say I'm advocating chasing, begging, pleading, etc....

May 12, 2005

Thanks, but isn't the worst when you know what you have to do, but you keep messing it up. Bottom line, I am trying the no contact for a month. LOL(which I have tried on repeated attempts, and failed miserably) Knowing if I left it alone, maybe he might take me more seriously. Well here is where I am so stuck, I know if I didn't love someone anymore, and wanted them to move on, I would tell them. So is the no response just really bad? Or maybe he just doesn't want to put a cap on it yet?

May 12, 2005

Originally posted by sunshinegirl
Outdated...I know the standard advice is go NC and let them come back to you...but that's when you're the dumpee. Sounds like she's the dumper in this case (is that right?).

In any case, I'm starting to become a fan of getting closure. Had I not contacted my ex, I would have spent many more months in NC wondering, hoping, not truly moving on or healing. I'm in a crap place now, but at least I know not to hope for something that will never happen.

And if something is meant to be, I don't believe one conversation or "NC break" is going to make or break it. People screw stuff up all the time, and those that are "meant to be" find their way back to each other despite "mistakes" made in the process. Not to say I'm advocating chasing, begging, pleading, etc....

I agree with you ssg. She is the dumper and maybe the door is shut because he was so hurt. As much as I love my ex, I don't know that I could handle a second chance just yet. WWL has to wait. There is no other choice. Bugging him will only make things worse.

I believed that a little NC break wouldn't make it or break it until it broke it. You think you can handle it, but when I was NC I was healing. Then when I talked to her, I found out she had someone new and all the wounds opened up again. Very temporarily, but opened none the less. So if she feels obligated to do it, she must be prepared for the consequences. I only took a step back, then launched ten forward when I broke it. Individual results may vary.

May 12, 2005

If the breakup occurred recently and you haven't been able to do NC successfully, then yes maybe full-on NC for a month will give him the space to figure out how he feels about you. He'll either miss you or not. Perhaps then you can ask for a second chance.

OR you can simply ask him now how he feels now...if he still loves you...if he thinks you can try again. It's called "ripping the bandaid off". He may say no...and then, voila. You'll have your answer.

Silence on the other person's end can mean a lot of things, so I don't think anyone here can tell you what your ex is thinking/feeling.

May 12, 2005

[silence on the other person's end can mean a lot of things, so I don't think anyone here can tell you what your ex is thinking/feeling.

No doubt, it doesn't necessarily mean good or bad. But prepare for the worst when you finally do break NC. I told myself that the worse was going to happen when I did. And it did, and then it wasn't so bad. If you must make contact DO NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP! I can't stress this enough. As of right now, the relationship is OVER.

May 12, 2005

Well I am going to stay on the NC rule. That is of course if I have not broke it for good. Which I am not sure how you tell? This BS drives me crazy, I wish you didn't have to play these mind games. Oh well, I cannot make someone feel a certain way. For all I know he could have someone? I hope space will do me justice, so I can move on in either direction. Thank gosh for LS advice! I need to block it out, because when I think about him, I don't know whats up, and I end up filling in the blanks, which is never good. I hate being such a romatic.

May 12, 2005

Originally posted by whirlwindlove
Well I am going to stay on the NC rule. That is of course if I have not broke it for good. Which I am not sure how you tell? This BS drives me crazy, I wish you didn't have to play these mind games. Oh well, I cannot make someone feel a certain way. For all I know he could have someone? I hope space will do me justice, so I can move on in either direction. Thank gosh for LS advice! I need to block it out, because when I think about him, I don't know whats up, and I end up filling in the blanks, which is never good. I hate being such a romatic.

NC IS NOT A MIND GAME!!!!!!!!!!! It's a chance to sort things out and pick up the pieces. I had contact with the ex regularly for a month and a half after the break. It made me miserable. Then NC and I was able to recover quickly. Of course during the NC she found someone new.... take what you want from that.

May 12, 2005

Are you giving this person time to think about it for himself. Have you pressured him with the thoughts that you are certain this will work out. Texting and emailing him can in of itself feel like pressure, even if its sent with the best intentions.

You say you botched things up, how bad? Enought to make him want to contimplate the future with you. Enough to bring doubt? Enough to second guess his thoughts, feelings, intentions towards you.

I have to believe that he is finding this as challanging as you are. Sometimes its hard for someone to say they don't love you anymore. Its hard to hurt the person they once cared for. He's shutting you out because he doesn't wanted to remember the pain and secondly because he wants to see if your abscence means anything to him.

We all have thought that the person we are with is "the one" at one time or another. As time passes, that sentiment doesn't always hold true. Its a cycle, something happens today, and to you personally that can change your view or relationship. The way you once saw something may not be that way anymore. This is in all things not just relationships.

So if you're counting him to just flat and tell you he doesn't love you, that may never happen. So what are your prepared to do? Wait patiently until he comes to his decision, which isn't beneficial for you, or pressure him by constantly reminding him how much you love him and want to be with him. Which will just have him push you further away.

You could ask him, but he were me I'd say I don't know.

So the moral of the story is, you need to set a boundary on the "what ifs". If you make your intentions known and see no movement on his part, take you're on advice and move.

It does no good to dwells on dreams.

Have a good one.

May 12, 2005

Thanks point well taken. To answer your question, he lost trust for me. Even though I was faithful, I got confused. The worst part, trust is so huge for him, because how he had been cheated in the past. I wasn't showing my feelings so well, so much going on. He definitly took my signals, and broke up with me, to save his feelings. He couldnt take it, take that his heart felt toyed with anymore. He needed time. At the time, I thought it was what I wanted. We both were dealing with a lot of other things, and did not have enough left to give to each other. I have had time to better myself, and take a good look at things. I really messed up, and now more than ever I Know what kind of love I let go. Time has been good for me, but I tell what I just got scared. I just feel so sincere that he is the one. I have to live in reality, that he may never give me another chance. How do you make someone believe in you again? Or trust you? Its is hard.

May 12, 2005

Originally posted by whirlwindlove
Thanks point well taken. To answer your question, he lost trust for me. Even though I was faithful, I got confused. The worst part, trust is so huge for him, because how he had been cheated in the past. I wasn't showing my feelings so well, so much going on.

Well I would think that trust is huge for anyone. When you break that trust, and the reprocussion of losing that trust can be so severe, sometimes there is just no going back. And trust can be for more than just faithfulness. He was cheated on or had bad relationship before, and what that can do, is set the bar higher for the next relationship, with a lower tolerance level for problems.

He definitly took my signals, and broke up with me, to save his feelings. He couldnt take it, take that his heart felt toyed with anymore. He needed time. At the time, I thought it was what I wanted. We both were dealing with a lot of other things, and did not have enough left to give to each other.

When you reach the end of the rope, its sometimes best to just step away from it. The only issue with that is while yours was a strategy to take a perspective on things and potentially return his could have been one of finality. It is always easier to run away then it is to deal. With him being gun shy from the previous relationship that is all the more apparent. He needs to run his course. As much as you love him, you may have to let him go, even if it means his own self destruction. You can only help people who want to be helped.

I have had time to better myself, and take a good look at things. I really messed up, and now more than ever I Know what kind of love I let go. Time has been good for me, but I tell what I just got scared. I just feel so sincere that he is the one. I have to live in reality, that he may never give me another chance.

What you can take away from this is that you feel that your are a better person because of this experience. Slowly the benefits of that will come to you and the pain will wane. He may have been the one, today. I seriously think there is more than just one person for us all. It's we who make it so final that there is only one.

How do you make someone believe in you again? Or trust you? Its is hard.

By your actions, that's how. However that only works if they give you and opportunity to show them, othwerwise it a mute point.

May 12, 2005

I swear you think at times you have heard all, and dished all the advice. However, is priceless when someone can put something in a way that clicks. You might be right that it was the final point for him. We were very different people. I grew up in a family where everyone expressed their emotions and feelings. He holds things in, and if it is too much, he does not deal with his feelings. I cope because I slowly am working out my issues, and not ignoring them. I say what I have to say. So who knows? Months down the road, I could be just doing great, because I did not bottle my feelings, and didn't leave anything on the table. He could be in a different spot, when he finally deals with his feelings, I may have a very different outlook. Time will tell. How long does it take to move on? I might look like the sad one, but I think partly because you want to know it is affecting him in the same way. When you don't know it drives you crazy! Maybe because he knows where I am at with my feelings, NC will finally help him realize, I will move on. wishful thinking that maybe than he will start dealing?

May 12, 2005

Originally posted by whirlwindlove
I swear you think at times you have heard all, and dished all the advice. However, is priceless when someone can put something in a way that clicks. You might be right that it was the final point for him.

I have been three. Its always nice to chat with someone who has been through something similar. Glad it helped.

We were very different people. I grew up in a family where everyone expressed their emotions and feelings. He holds things in, and if it is too much, he does not deal with his feelings. I cope because I slowly am working out my issues, and not ignoring them. I say what I have to say. So who knows? Months down the road, I could be just doing great, because I did not bottle my feelings, and didn't leave anything on the table.

Good. You need to start taking in the positives. Cause if you pin your entire happines on him, you'll never let go and it will eventually eat you up inside. He has his own demons to fight, and you have you're own life to live.

He could be in a different spot, when he finally deals with his feelings, I may have a very different outlook. Time will tell. How long does it take to move on? I might look like the sad one, but I think partly because you want to know it is affecting him in the same way. When you don't know it drives you crazy! Maybe because he knows where I am at with my feelings, NC will finally help him realize, I will move on. wishful thinking that maybe than he will start dealing?

Don't use NC as a test to see if it will force him to deal. Use it to say, I'm moving on. Because by using it as a test you're really not ready to move on, are you? You have to be prepared that he will not change in your life time, and you don't want to use up a lifetime waiting.

All the best.

May 13, 2005

Anyone tell me, how do keep the will power for NC. I am really struggling with this. Somehow, ok maybe because I went out last night, ok maybe had a couple beers. I somehow justify that text message at 2 in the morning I get a thought where I convince myself I just have to convey this one more message to him. Rationalizing, maybe this will be the message that will connect with him. I just end up feeling pathetic , because once again I broke the NC, that I have been trying to keep. Probably making things worse for myself. I use to have so much will power. What Happen? Really it is so amusing, I just figure it couldn' t get any worse, Yeah right! Since we broke up, when I go out, I try and not drink very much, because I know for sure, any shred of will power-WILL BE GONE In the last 2 months, I put myself in his shoes, and probably think WOW!!! He probably can't even take me serious anymore, because I can't seem to find that golden ticket back to my self-respect. No guy has tripped me up like this before. Worst of all, I love him so very much.

May 13, 2005

DO NOT CONTACT HIM. There is nothing you can do now. You stand to gain nothing. Take it from me. Please. Each day you don't contact them will be one more day that they wonder why. But remember, once you contact you are back where you started from. AND NC IS NOT A MIND GAME OR A STRATEGY TO WIN THEM BACK. If you contact them repeatedly, whatever chance they had to give you another chance WILL fade. Maybe not permanently, but for the short term YES. And you are just prolonging your agony. Once again TAKE IT FROM ME. The time i've had in NC since the last time I talked to them was the first time in the two months that I started to feel like myself again. Once you are yourself again, and independent of them is the first time they will even CONSIDER taking you back, and even then it is unlikely.

DO NOT CONTACT THEM. THrow out your phone if you have to. Sit on your hands. Bake cookies, call a friend, hug your dog. DO NOT CALL- EVER!!!

TRUST ME ON THIS. I'VE BLOWN IT, SO I KNOW.

May 13, 2005

Outdated once again, thank you for your sound advice. I know I can do it, and be true to myself. I just let my feelings get the best of me sometimes.

May 13, 2005

I just want to say good luck I know how hard it is..

May 15, 2005

I'm going to agree with out dated.

Just don't do it. I know that this may be easier said than done, but honestly, it the only way.

Take steps that when you do things to put yourself in a depressive mood, like drink alchohol, that you don't have the means to contacts him.

Delete his e-mail address, phone number, msn names. Make it hard for you to just contact him on a whim. That way if you have to work at getting a hold of him, you can give you self time to talk yourself out of it.

It will get easier of time.

Best of luck.

May 17, 2005

So here is the update. I have had NC for about 5 days! Which doesn't seem like much, but for me, it is a huge triumph. Best of all, I actually went out, and instead of placing my thoughts on someone who is not there; I enjoyed myself. Even met a cutie, who actually held my interest. You can tell yourself a million times, that NC is not a game or test, but to believe? Well I think the LS advice is starting to shed light on my situation. I am one who has broken NC many times, trying to express any emotion that I felt. Justifying, that I didn't want to leave anything unsaid. Thinking, that I would save any regrets later on. In this case, I am proud of dealing with my feelings, and speaking my heart. On the other hand, I lost a lot of self-respect doing so. Which I am slowly giving back to myself. In the end I think I will smile when I think of my ex, because someone made me love him so much, that I humble myself to know ends to keep him. For this, I am grateful. In the past, I never gave love a chance, and maybe broke many hearts myself. Without this past experience, I have felt the extremes on both sides of love. So I pray for serenity at night, to embrace the experience for what I learned, and to grow. Not to dwell in ache that I cannot control. I could live in "what-if's", but I only dwell on what I cannot change. In honesty, I do fight the reason for NC. (meaning, NC should be turning over a new-leaf, not hoping for something that does not exist.)

May 17, 2005

Originally posted by whirlwindlove
So I pray for serenity at night, to embrace the experience for what I learned, and to grow. Not to dwell in ache that I cannot control. I could live in "what-if's", but I only dwell on what I cannot change. In honesty, I do fight the reason for NC. (meaning, NC should be turning over a new-leaf, not hoping for something that does not exist.)

Well said.

May 17, 2005

Thanks outdated. I don't know, I guess I have many random thoughts. LS has been a good place to vent, and learn. This is all a first for me. It is funny how when your lost you stumble onto guidance.

May 23, 2005

Need some advice- Here is the latest with my situation, Thanks to support from LS and outside, I was able to keep NC from ex. It has been really hard, but something clicked where I felt like I was going to be fine. So I've been having a blast recently. The last text I had sent my ex, was telling him that I still loved him, well pretty much all the crap u don't want to tell ur ex. Anyway, that was like two weeks ago. So this past weekend I was out, and kinda chillen with this old friend of mine(nothing serious, just having fun) Well we were leaving the bar, and my ex drove by with a car full of people. It was one of these moments where you couldn't of planned it better if you try. Now you must understand, I am not a revengeful person, and my ex has treated me horrible since we split. Well long story short, he saw this guy hugging on me. I have not seen my ex in a month, and he never responds. So wouldn't you no, the moment I start moving on, I get the test. He called my cell twice after bar closed, (which I didn't answer)Then proceeds to send me a text that says, "Glad to see you finally moving on." Then calling me from his friends phone, like I wouldn't know it was him. Well I finally answered, it was four in the morning- I cracked, not that strong yet. See I am such a fool thinking, maybe he does have feeling for me. Reality, he probably was jealous, and shocked. He probably thought that I would being sitting at home, pining over him. (big echo) I don't know? I am just mad, finally Im moving on, he just wanted the upper hand again. Sadly enough it worked. Than the next day, he went back to being a jerk. So does what does his text mean? Is he trying to have his cake and eat too? It is so sad, how people can toy with you.. I try to stay strong.

May 23, 2005

I only read the 1st few posts, but wanted to tell you that my guy did the same thing. No closure at all. No break up. Just disappeared a while. Iasked for him to tell me to move and on I was ignored. I have to tell you that from exp, he will come back. At least in my case. If he wanted you gone, i would think he would say it. My best advice is NC. It took one month, but he called me

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I would move on if he told me he didn't love me anymore, or if thought we could work?

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