Having a hard day

[tuxedo cat]

I moved into a new apartment a few weeks ago not only to live in a nicer part of town but also in the hopes of making some friends. I picked a sublet that had four other women ranging in age from mid twenties to early thirties (I'm 32). Three out of four of my roommates are nice but I feel semi uncomfortable around all of them because of my social anxiety. I've never successfully made friends with women I've lived with. I think they just don't know what to make of my awkwardness. It's a bit easier for me with guys because they've been more accepting of me in the past and I kind of get how to relate to them.

 

When I first moved in I invited the other roommates out to drinks but only one of them showed up (she was nice, but I rarely see her). There's one roommate who is very rude to me and causing me some distress. Not just my imagination - a guy friend of mine met her and commented on how unfriendly she was to me. She has a snobby attitude and barely says hi when she sees me, she talks nonstop to the other girls and treats me as if I'm invisible when I'm in the same room. I know I shouldn't care and I've tried everything I can not to. I've even started meditating in the morning in an effort to dispel toxic thoughts about myself from taking hold. But every time she excludes/ignores me like this it sends me right back to being bullied in adolescence and childhood and it breaks through whatever shell of strength I try to build around myself during the day. How can I overcome these rushes of hurt and anxiety?

 

This seems to be a recurring theme for me when it comes to women. At an internship I had a year ago another girl treated me exactly the same way (talking to everyone but me), and I would go home in tears. For many years I was so bruised by how other women treated me that I decided to completely stop trying to befriend them. I didn't make friends with them and they left me alone. But people kept telling me I'd be happier if I had some female friends so now I'm making an effort to come to terms with my fears and expose myself to vulnerability again. It hasn't gone well so far.

 

I have no idea what it is about me that turns most women off. My guess is my anxiety and awkwardness. I know sometimes I also come off as overly serious, but I can't help it. I beat myself up about these things so often. I do make a real effort to be nice and initiate but that doesn't seem to help.

 

What should I do?

[edgygirl]

There's one thing I learned in life. You can't please everyone or get along with everyone. And that's okay.

 

It sounds like you're an introvert maybe, and have difficulty in some types of social interactions, but you also seem quite sensitive and, I feel, empathetic. Maybe you are on the geeky side and mainstream people don't really get you, see you as socially awkward and don't know how to act around you.

 

My opinion is you just have to find your "tribe". Ie: Ultra extroverted people as I am love being around introverts. I also love geeks in general! (not saying this is your case, but just giving you an example). I am not sure it's related to gender as you're pointing out, but more specific to finding people who get you and can relate to you.

 

If you think about it, the majority of people are a little superficial and just go by looks / superficial things and have no clue how to deal with someone who might be a little different than they are. This is not the kind of people you want to be friends or hang out with anyway.

 

Studying a bit of Myers Briggs personality types and doing the test myself (takes 15 minutes online, although really understanding your type and the 15 other types can take months/years), made me realize the kind of people I mesh with and the kind of people I don't really love being around and are simply not a good match for me (in love AND in friendships). It's a great tool to understanding people and relationships. You might even understand why some types are weirded out by your personality type. And that's okay, because it's impossible for all types to match.

 

There are also many other kinds of cultural tribes - goths, jocks, geeks, mainstream... which tribe do you feel you pertain to? And are you seeking your tribe out? I feel like people in my "tribe" get me more and I prefer being around them.

 

Not sure I helped but hope you feel better. Don't be too hard on yourself. Seek people who "get you", the others don't really matter in the end.

Edited September 2, 2015 by edgygirl

[warrenorabbits]

But people kept telling me I'd be happier if I had some female friends so now I'm making an effort to come to terms with my fears and expose myself to vulnerability again. It hasn't gone well so far.

 

...

 

What should I do?

You should do two things:

(1) know what makes you (as opposed to "people") happy; and

(2) have the courage and self-confidence to pursue whatever that is.

 

As a rule, American/European society ("people") will tell you that you somehow "need" to be social to be happy. That is, you "need" to be seen with someone at all times and "need" to be saying something at all times, no matter how vapid or dull that something is -- or else you're some kind of weird bridge troll.

 

Why let other people judge you with these stupid rules? Why judge yourself by them? Why do you want to make "friends" so-called, when chit-chat makes you anxious and you're not really interested in the other person? It defeats the whole point of having friends and being social. You'll be happier when realize that your needs are different and let yourself live accordingly -- certainly much happier than you'll ever be pretending to be someone you're not to please some unseen committee.

 

I might also recommend some professional therapy; I was in a similar situation to yours and it helped immensely.

[tuxedo cat]

There's one thing I learned in life. You can't please everyone or get along with everyone. And that's okay.

 

It sounds like you're an introvert maybe, and have difficulty in some types of social interactions, but you also seem quite sensitive and, I feel, empathetic. Maybe you are on the geeky side and mainstream people don't really get you, see you as socially awkward and don't know how to act around you.

 

My opinion is you just have to find your "tribe". Ie: Ultra extroverted people as I am love being around introverts. I also love geeks in general! (not saying this is your case, but just giving you an example). I am not sure it's related to gender as you're pointing out, but more specific to finding people who get you and can relate to you.

 

If you think about it, the majority of people are a little superficial and just go by looks / superficial things and have no clue how to deal with someone who might be a little different than they are. This is not the kind of people you want to be friends or hang out with anyway.

 

Studying a bit of Myers Briggs personality types and doing the test myself (takes 15 minutes online, although really understanding your type and the 15 other types can take months/years), made me realize the kind of people I mesh with and the kind of people I don't really love being around and are simply not a good match for me (in love AND in friendships). It's a great tool to understanding people and relationships. You might even understand why some types are weirded out by your personality type. And that's okay, because it's impossible for all types to match.

 

There are also many other kinds of cultural tribes - goths, jocks, geeks, mainstream... which tribe do you feel you pertain to? And are you seeking your tribe out? I feel like people in my "tribe" get me more and I prefer being around them.

 

Not sure I helped but hope you feel better. Don't be too hard on yourself. Seek people who "get you", the others don't really matter in the end.

 

Thanks for this response! Yeah, I guess I'm a bit geeky in my solitary interests, but I don't think visually I fit the stereotype of a nerd which possibly throws people. I wear makeup, have light hair and wear contacts. Sometimes I wonder if I'd have an easier time finding acceptance if I tried to jam myself into an obvious mold, but it just doesn't feel like me.

 

It's really true that very extroverted people are often the most accepting of others. You and I would probably get along. Surprisingly I don't do as well with people who are inbetween - moderately extroverted or a bit shy. Probably the worst are people who are ex-introverts, because they can be very judgmental of people who remind them of their former selves, kind of like ex-addicts. I find most acceptance at either end of the spectrum.

 

What's frustrating is often the people who share my interests are the least tolerant of my quirks. I have a number of artistic hobbies (drawing, painting, making silly short films), and it would be wonderful to find friend-collaborators, but for whatever reason people with similar inclinations rarely take to me. Maybe it's something about being artistic and more focused on image. I just overheard one of my roommates talking about some of the things she likes to do and I was thinking "man, she sounds like somebody I'd hit it off with if we had time to actually talk"...but I can tell the interest isn't mutual.

 

The guy friends I have often tell me I'm one of their favorite people to talk to and more people would appreciate me if they only took the time, but I don't know how to bridge that gap between my appearance and true self.

Edited September 2, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[tuxedo cat]

You should do two things:

(1) know what makes you (as opposed to "people") happy; and

(2) have the courage and self-confidence to pursue whatever that is.

 

As a rule, American/European society ("people") will tell you that you somehow "need" to be social to be happy. That is, you "need" to be seen with someone at all times and "need" to be saying something at all times, no matter how vapid or dull that something is -- or else you're some kind of weird bridge troll.

 

Why let other people judge you with these stupid rules? Why judge yourself by them? Why do you want to make "friends" so-called, when chit-chat makes you anxious and you're not really interested in the other person? It defeats the whole point of having friends and being social. You'll be happier when realize that your needs are different and let yourself live accordingly -- certainly much happier than you'll ever be pretending to be someone you're not to please some unseen committee.

 

I might also recommend some professional therapy; I was in a similar situation to yours and it helped immensely.

 

The problem is I DO want and need friends. I wish I was a natural loner. The happiest time in my adult-life was a brief, year long period where I had friends and was part of a little community. Unfortunately, I moved away from that place.

[SoulCat]

I just overheard one of my roommates talking about some of the things she likes to do and I was thinking "man, she sounds like somebody I'd hit it off with if we had time to actually talk"...but I can tell the interest isn't mutual.

 

 

You've got to step up your game, girl. Go and talk to her, find the time, take the opportunity.

Tell her you overheard her discussing X and Y and that you share these interests.

 

 

She may be just as awkward in starting a conversation with you. After all, you are the new duck in the pond and she may not know how to approach you.

 

Knowing some of her interests is a great opener for a chat.

 

What have you got to lose?

[SoulCat]

Tuxedo Cat, do you share the kitchen?

 

If so, next time you see this particular roommate, offer to make her a cup of tea/coffee, pour her a glass of wine if you're having one or offer her a beer.

 

Then just casually start a conversation bringing up your mutual interests. Then go from there.

 

Don't assume she's not interested, she may find starting a conversation with someone new just as tricky as you seem to.

 

 

Honey, you never know, she may become a fab friend!

Be brave, take the first step.

[tuxedo cat]

Thanks for all the advice, everyone!

 

So things are looking up. I've had the chance to chat with that one roommate a few times since and we clicked pretty well (I think). I ended up giving her some help on a project -- connecting her with someone I know. Not saying she'll become a friend but I could at least see us developing some comfortable rapport. We also hung out a bit at a party on our rooftop last night.

 

That other roommate whom I've decided I can't stand is only getting more obnoxious. Last night I caught her cheating on her boyfriend. I'm doing my best to just mentally ignore her without being too unfriendly.

 

I also went to a meetup event this week. While I didn't make any friends, it felt good to push myself out of my social comfort zone and be around people.

[mavlast]

My brother's wife always seems to be annoyed with me, and specifically with my sense of humour. I do a lot of not-to-be-taken-seriously insults/teasing/deadpan jokes -- it's weird, because I thought my brother and I had almost identical ideas of humour, but apparently not. I don't want things to be tense between us, and so I definitely plan to dial things back when I interact with her from here on out. I even talked to her over Facebook (she lives on the other end of the country) and said that I didn't want things to be tense between us and was sorry that I had gotten under her skin in the past.

 

But I still get these weird vibes from her, like she still doesn't like having me around. Since we only see each other a couple of times a year, is it just a matter of being sensitive and hoping things change slowly over time?

 

Mods: accidentally posted this to an existing thread, can you move to a new thread, please?

Edited September 14, 2015 by mavlast