Sometimes, NC isn't the best way to heal.

[Soprano15]

It's been 3 weeks since my ex blind-sided me and we broke up. It's been arguably the toughest 3 weeks I've gone through. I took the advice of many a day or two after the breakup, and implemented NC and deleted her phone number and all forms of social media connection we had. Every single damn day I have thought about her and held strong hope she would eventually contact me in hopes for reconciliation a few months down the line. I grieved for 2 weeks non-stop. Part of the reason for this false pretense of hope was because I broke all forms of contact with her, so in my mind, I was imagining herself going through a very difficult time with this breakup, too. After all, we did love each other deeply for over a year, and the breakup event was emotional for her too.

 

 

That is until last night. A friend of mine who is a mutual friend of hers told me about her FB and Instagram activities. I was hurt so badly by this. This ungreatefull b**** has been going out partying, having fun, like no tomorrow. She's posted a bunch of pictures, I mean a bunch, which is so sooooo unlike her. She is taking selfies, getting comments for others, responding back to them and now she let the whole world know that she's traveling to Vegas for Labor Day weekend.

 

 

So my point is, the NC thing sometimes isn't the best because you can have a false sense of hope, as in my case that your ex is going through a difficult time, when in reality it couldn't be more further form the truth!!!! Sometimes, it's better to inquire or be informed on your ex's whereabouts because it lets reality sink in. This really opened my eyes. I'm a lot more hurt than I was two days ago because it's now starting to hit me that this is over. Had I not seen this, I probably would've still carried the hope of her trying to reconcile.

Edited September 1, 2015 by Soprano15

[frigginlost]

It's been 3 weeks since my ex blind-sided me and we broke up. It's been arguably the toughest 3 weeks I've gone through. I took the advice of many a day or two after the breakup, and implemented NC and deleted her phone number and all forms of social media connection we had. Every single damn day I have thought about her and held strong hope she would eventually contact me in hopes for reconciliation a few months down the line. I grieved for 2 weeks non-stop. Part of the reason for this false pretense of hope was because I broke all forms of contact with her, so in my mind, I was imagining herself going through a very difficult time with this breakup, too. After all, we did love each other deeply for over a year, and the breakup event was emotional for her too.

 

 

That is until last night. A friend of mine who is a mutual friend of hers told me about her FB and Instagram activities. I was hurt so badly by this. This ungreatefull b**** has been going out partying, having fun, like no tomorrow. She's posted a bunch of pictures, I mean a bunch, which is so sooooo unlike her. She is taking selfies, getting comments for others, responding back to them and now she let the whole world know that she's traveling to Vegas for Labor Day weekend.

 

 

So my point is, the NC thing sometimes isn't the best because you can have a false sense of hope, as in my case, that your ex is going through a difficult time, when in reality it couldn't be more further form the truth!!!! This really opened my eyes. I'm a lot more hurt than I was two days ago because it's now starting to hit me that this is over. Had I not seen this, I probably would've still carried the hope of her trying to reconcile.

 

While there is some truth to what you say, you have to realize that NC means total and complete "killing off" of the person you were with. Sadly, there are some personality types that this can backfire on in a very bad way (I'm one of those types).

 

When you "kill off" the person in which you are trying to forget, you run the risk of seeing "the walking dead". The amount of emotions that come flooding back are absolutely brutal and can instantly set you back to square one.

 

For me personally, NC was not something I was comfortable with as I knew if I was to see my ex I was in for a world of hurt. I'm one of those people who "reverse weened" myself off my ex. I forced myself to come to grips with it being done by allowing myself to understand why breadcrumbs were being thrown and looking at everything from a third person point of view. Was it tough? Heck yes. Did it hurt like hell? Heck yes. But it put to bed any type of "pining" for her.

[Maggie4]

Very typical story. Look around on the internet and you will find men doing NC and suffering, only to find the woman has moved on and got a new boyfriend. Even if she "comes back" initiating contact, she is just curious or emotionally reacting to being ignored. There is no true reconciliation, so she didn't really come back. That's when you hear the guy complain of hot/cold behavior, stringing along, etc. Then he suffers all over again, and restarts NC.

[MINDSHIFT]

I somewhat agree. I started reading up on NC rules after the first 2 weeks of the break up. I got more strength not to contact her and to move on, when I stalked her social media profile and saw that she added her ex to instagram and they were looooling in the comments. I had a **** that bitch attitude. But then again looking back I got so depressed and angry afterwards and it made me over think things even more, like when is she gonna feel down, when is she gonna contact me, does she miss me.

 

I believe out of sight out of mind is the best strategy. I bet once you start the strict NC, it might be a couple month but she will probably contact you and inbetween that time you would of grown as a person. The greatest revenge is massive success. focus on you man, she will wish she didnt leave you when you become a somebody. and you wouldnt even remember her last name.

 

NC rules I believe are desirable if you want to move on. I believe your hoping she will come back to you. But if she was would you have self improved remember she left you for a reason has those problems been corrected. i think you should use this time to self improve. Im starting tomorrow and I refuse to even think about her at the end of the day why should i, she having the time of her life according to her pictures, ****ing her new boyfriend and I am at home suffering finding it hard to concentrate, hard to go to sleep and eat. Because like you I do slightly hope she does come crawling back, but if you wish this every new picture you see it will set you back. Come on remember social media is bull**** your not her only follower, who is gonna post a picture showing how to depressed they are. she could be partying because she trying to forget you. its complicated to anaslyse the other person and exhausting, so dont just focus and control yourself.

Edited September 1, 2015 by MINDSHIFT

[Gus Grimly]

My Ex of 4+ years got a whole new sexy wardrobe, nails and hair done professionally, professional photos of herself taken and posted everywhere on the interwebs, new tattoo, dating 2 guys, a romantic weekend getaway with one of said gentlemen which all happened within 3 weeks of her breaking off our engagement.

 

which is so sooooo unlike her

My Ex said she hated tattoos and swore she'd never get one. NC is the best way to heal, it's just extremely rough when you are going through a breakup and still attached to your EX. I'm 2 months post BU and could care less what my Ex is doing or who she's sleeping with. That first month, though, I was desperately clinging on to hope. Now, I see my behavior as desperatley clinging on to gross.

[MINDSHIFT]

Now, I see my behavior as desperatley clinging on to gross.

 

Exactly!!! the things I did post breakup I regret so bad I look needy pathetic and weak.

[frigginlost]

I somewhat agree. I started reading up on NC rules after the first 2 weeks of the break up. I got more strength not to contact her and to move on, when I stalked her social media profile and saw that she added her ex to instagram and they were looooling in the comments. I had a **** that bitch attitude. But then again looking back I got so depressed and angry afterwards and it made me over think things even more, like when is she gonna feel down, when is she gonna contact me, does she miss me.

 

I believe out of sight out of mind is the best strategy. I bet once you start the strict NC, it might be a couple month but she will probably contact you and inbetween that time you would of grown as a person. The greatest revenge is massive success. focus on you man, she will wish she didnt leave you when you become a somebody. and you wouldnt even remember her last name.

 

NC rules I believe are desirable if you want to move on. I believe your hoping she will come back to you. But if she was would you have self improved remember she left you for a reason has those problems been corrected. i think you should use this time to self improve. Im starting tomorrow and I refuse to even think about her at the end of the day why should i, she having the time of her life according to her pictures, ****ing her new boyfriend and I am at home suffering finding it hard to concentrate, hard to go to sleep and eat. Because like you I do slightly hope she does come crawling back, but if you wish this every new picture you see it will set you back. Come on remember social media is bull**** your not her only follower, who is gonna post a picture showing how to depressed they are. she could be partying because she trying to forget you. its complicated to anaslyse the other person and exhausting, so dont just focus and control yourself.

 

^^^ That.

 

Never take social media as a true indication of how someone is "doing" after a break up...

[mightycpa]

Yeah, I don't know.

 

You ginned up that false hope in your head, because her not contacting you was not a big enough clue that she wasn't thinking of you. You projected your own feelings of the dumpee onto the dumper, and assumed that surely she must be missing you, she must be at least somewhat affected by the separation. One day soon, that phone would ring, or the text would be sent, or you'd hear a knock on your door.

 

Then your pal woke you up. I see your point, but

 

What you don't realize is three things, I think:

 

1) Not everybody does that. A lot of times people understand that the ex is done. They don't like it, but they don't delude themselves with the thought that the ex broke up but didn't mean it.

 

2) Your false hope would have died a natural death as more and more days progressed without her contacting you. You don't need to know what she's doing in order to eventually figure out that whatever it is, she's doing it without you. At some point, you could not have denied the obvious.

 

3) This glimpse of her life has probably not killed that false hope of yours. The underlying self-deception is the same.. that whatever she's doing, she MUST BE AFFECTED by your separation. How could she not be, right? I'm not saying that this surprise peek didn't get you to think about things differently... all I'm saying is that this false hope is going to creep back in your head at some point, and you're going to want to disregard the evidence that was in front of your eyes. You'll wonder if maybe the whole Facebook stuff and going over the top to have fun is a facade, and deep down inside, she misses you. Even when you have evidence, you fall into that trap.

 

But on the other hand, sometimes a slap in the face can help you wake up, and it sounds like that's what you got. I hope it works for you. Don't let watching her new life unfold become an addiction. On balance, it's bad for you.

Edited September 1, 2015 by mightycpa

[drseuss]

That behaviour I think is normal for someone that's a bit immature after a break up ,if she cared about you she hasn't just moved on and forgoten about you and she will burn herself out soon enough with trying to act like she's toady fine , she's putting off dealing with the pain

 

There us a possibility tho that she was over it long before it ended and is happy she's single

 

Just hold back and let her do what she's got to do , things always work out for the best even if it doesn't feel like it right now

[Morning Wood]

Sometimes, it's better to inquire or be informed on your ex's whereabouts because it lets reality sink in.

 

Common sense, ego and pride will stop a person with self-respect from doing this.

 

A friend of mine who is a mutual friend of hers told me about her FB and Instagram activities. I was hurt so badly by this. This ungreatefull b**** has been going out partying, having fun, like no tomorrow.

 

Why does her going out, partying, having fun, making plans, etc. make her ungrateful or a b****?

 

1. You do not own her.

 

2. She dumped you. Why didn't you believe it? Why did you believe she was testing you to prove your love for her?

 

3. Isn't them telling you it was over once hurtful enough? Stalking or contacting your Ex to have them reconfirm over and over again that they no longer want to be you is pathetic.

 

So my point is, the NC thing sometimes isn't the best because you can have a false sense of hope. Had I not seen this, I probably would've still carried the hope of her trying to reconcile.

 

Next time, when someone dumps you, believe it.

[Chi townD]

It's been 3 weeks since my ex blind-sided me and we broke up. It's been arguably the toughest 3 weeks I've gone through. I took the advice of many a day or two after the breakup, and implemented NC and deleted her phone number and all forms of social media connection we had. Every single damn day I have thought about her and held strong hope she would eventually contact me in hopes for reconciliation a few months down the line. I grieved for 2 weeks non-stop. Part of the reason for this false pretense of hope was because I broke all forms of contact with her, so in my mind, I was imagining herself going through a very difficult time with this breakup, too. After all, we did love each other deeply for over a year, and the breakup event was emotional for her too.

 

 

That is until last night. A friend of mine who is a mutual friend of hers told me about her FB and Instagram activities. I was hurt so badly by this. This ungreatefull b**** has been going out partying, having fun, like no tomorrow. She's posted a bunch of pictures, I mean a bunch, which is so sooooo unlike her. She is taking selfies, getting comments for others, responding back to them and now she let the whole world know that she's traveling to Vegas for Labor Day weekend.

 

 

So my point is, the NC thing sometimes isn't the best because you can have a false sense of hope, as in my case that your ex is going through a difficult time, when in reality it couldn't be more further form the truth!!!! Sometimes, it's better to inquire or be informed on your ex's whereabouts because it lets reality sink in. This really opened my eyes. I'm a lot more hurt than I was two days ago because it's now starting to hit me that this is over. Had I not seen this, I probably would've still carried the hope of her trying to reconcile.

 

 

See, this is where you messed up. You had the wrong mindset on how NC works. NC is a tool for you to heal and move on. It is NOT a tool to hope that with NC our Ex's will miss us and come running back. You had that mindset and it gave you some false hope. PLUS! You're only three weeks into NC, so your really have no idea if NC was working for you or not! I mean, three weeks is only a drop in the bucket.

 

 

But, I speculate that NC was, in fact, helping you. Sure, you were feeling bad because this just happened. It's still really raw. But, you were getting by. But, the moment your dumbass friends let you know what was going on in her life, that knocked you back to square one and now you're a pile of goo. Had your friends not told you anything, you would have been clueless. Thus, protecting yourself from any further damage.

[d0nnivain]

You got your closure. Good for you.

 

For many people looking at those pictures makes things worse.

 

You are right that NC is not a one size fits all remedy but it is a one size helps most choice.

[aloneinaz]

I think the OP was reading to many "how to get your ex back" type of things on the internet. They all say to vanish for a while to make the ex miss you and come running back..

 

 

The truth is, while absence makes the heart grow fonder works a VERY small percentage of the time, most dumpers don't look back. They dumped the person and want to move on.

 

 

OP, read the NC thread again. It's for dumpee's to heal from the break up pain and move on w/their lives. That's what it's for.

[quattrob]

NC is definitely the toughest the first month or so, you did a good job hanging in there OP. But unfortunately your mutual "friend" had to run his/her big mouth about what your ex was doing and obviously you were in no state to hear or see those things. NC was broken not by your choice technically but you (I assume) went on her social media because you just couldn't help it. You saw things that you didn't want to see (you broke NC here). Imagine if you didn't see these things, you wouldn't be all freaked out and emotional right now.

 

 

 

 

But let me tell you something about social media, who the heck uses this to say their sad and miserable? Most of the people that post stuff on there is all happy happy joy joy and look at me I'm so pretty and hot etc etc etc.. Your ex is doing what she's doing because she's trying to keep her mind off of the break up and you... What she's doing is masking what's hurting inside her, it's her way of coping and that's how some people are.

 

 

If you tried reaching out, I'm 100% sure you'll get hurt even worse than going NC. You tried NC and you think it doesn't work for you so don't do it and see what happens but I can almost guarantee you that by not doing NC you'll just get hurt again and again until you actually do NC. Good luck.

[lolablue17]

Of course NC isn't always the best way!

 

Sometimes it's good to talk to your ex especially after she left you. when i was dumped, the few weeks of contact after the break up helped me a lot.

 

1. because it helped me to understand many things, letting me time to process and to accept through conversation with the dumper.

 

2. The fact that the dumper was willing to invest time and effort to explain things to me, to be with me, showed me that she still cares about me, although she didn't want me romantically. In these cases the world didn't seem so bad after the break up, even i was naturally sad.

 

3. The contact made me feel respected, and i respected her.

 

eventually the healing process was 10 times quicker than cases which the dumper didn't want to talk to me at all.

[Soprano15]

I think the OP was reading to many "how to get your ex back" type of things on the internet. They all say to vanish for a while to make the ex miss you and come running back..

 

 

The truth is, while absence makes the heart grow fonder may work a VERY small percentage of the time, most dumpers don't look back. They dumped the person and want to move on.

 

 

OP, read the NC thread again. It's for dumpee's to heal from the break up pain and move on w/their lives. That's what it's for.

 

 

You're completely right, I was reading too many of those threads. I hate to admit it, but I was in a state of denial and when I did in fact finally accept it, it was more with the mentality that ok, it's over, she dumped me, but she will later regret it and come back to me. Totally wrong way of looking at things, but I couldn't help myself. I just always remember the person who I knew for the past 11 months, and not the last month and it's really hard coming to grips with that.

 

My Ex of 4+ years got a whole new sexy wardrobe, nails and hair done professionally, professional photos of herself taken and posted everywhere on the interwebs, new tattoo, dating 2 guys, a romantic weekend getaway with one of said gentlemen which all happened within 3 weeks of her breaking off our engagement.

 

 

My Ex said she hated tattoos and swore she'd never get one. NC is the best way to heal, it's just extremely rough when you are going through a breakup and still attached to your EX. I'm 2 months post BU and could care less what my Ex is doing or who she's sleeping with. That first month, though, I was desperately clinging on to hope. Now, I see my behavior as desperatley clinging on to gross.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that. =(

 

 

So after the 1st month, it does get better? Because right now, I do feel that although seeing this has shed the light and been a cold dose of reality check for me, it has also brought about a lot of freaking pain, almost like miserable I felt the first 2 weeks. I'm still depressed as F@@@ over it. I blame and hate myself for being an emotional male, probably more so than the average. I wish I was stronger like a Don Draper type.

 

Common sense, ego and pride will stop a person with self-respect from doing this.

 

 

 

Why does her going out, partying, having fun, making plans, etc. make her ungrateful or a b****?

 

1. You do not own her.

 

2. She dumped you. Why didn't you believe it? Why did you believe she was testing you to prove your love for her?

 

3. Isn't them telling you it was over once hurtful enough? Stalking or contacting your Ex to have them reconfirm over and over again that they no longer want to be you is pathetic.

 

 

 

 

Next time, when someone dumps you, believe it.

 

 

I don't own her, of course not, and I'm not a psychotic type of person, to tell my ex that nor am I implying that, it's free-will dude. I don't know why you're thinking that I feel like I had 'owned her.' I'm not saying that she shouldn't do as she pleases, but I'm thinking about myself, too. I have been a dumper as well at one point in my life. And out of sheer respect, I never did such a thing to my prior ex. I vividly remember when I broke up with my ex a few years ago due to total incompatibility issues, I had a pre-arranged vacation to Europe that I went to. And I NEVER posted any picutres of my trip at the time, because I did not want her to feel any worse. I think flaunting and showing how you're having the time of your life on social media no less than a month after a year long relationship is so God-da$n disrespectful. Especially, when it's in a long of ways of the persons character. She rarely posted on social media before and if it was it was more along the lines of us or food or family or architecture. She's now, become completely different.

 

 

NC is definitely the toughest the first month or so, you did a good job hanging in there OP. But unfortunately your mutual "friend" had to run his/her big mouth about what your ex was doing and obviously you were in no state to hear or see those things. NC was broken not by your choice technically but you (I assume) went on her social media because you just couldn't help it. You saw things that you didn't want to see (you broke NC here). Imagine if you didn't see these things, you wouldn't be all freaked out and emotional right now.

 

 

 

But let me tell you something about social media, who the heck uses this to say their sad and miserable? Most of the people that post stuff on there is all happy happy joy joy and look at me I'm so pretty and hot etc etc etc.. Your ex is doing what she's doing because she's trying to keep her mind off of the break up and you... What she's doing is masking what's hurting inside her, it's her way of coping and that's how some people are.

 

 

If you tried reaching out, I'm 100% sure you'll get hurt even worse than going NC. You tried NC and you think it doesn't work for you so don't do it and see what happens but I can almost guarantee you that by not doing NC you'll just get hurt again and again until you actually do NC. Good luck.

 

 

That's true and you're right on several fronts there. I wasn't trying to say NC is worse, but just that for my case, seeing it, seeing these pics, really brought in a cold hard reality check, that I was sort of masking. I hate how I'm feeling today because it's definitely like the first two weeks, a set-back of hurt and pain, but I'm also saying that if I had not seen it, I may have still lied to myself in thinking she was also in pain.

 

 

She said a lot of things when she broke up with me like how this was such a hard thing for her, too, and how she still had feeling for me, and that I was a great guy, and when we parted we hugged and kissed. Well, I drank the KOOL-AID like a God-dam## Foool!!!!!

Edited September 1, 2015 by Soprano15

[Liono84]

You have some points, but NC is still the best way to go. I think even though you held on to a false sense of hope before you saw the pictures and saw how fast she was moving on, you still would have eventually reached that same place when another month or two went bye, and she still hadn't contacted you.

 

In the very beginning everything is just a big blur. I still don't remember half of the stuff my ex said when she broke up with because I was in such a state of shock and denial. The same goes after the first few weeks in a breakup, it's just a blur. Your emotions are all over the place, you don't think you can go on living another day, you're crying, depressed, and you think the world has ended etc... But after awhile, the dust settles and you accept the loss. As time goes by you slowly lose the false sense of hope you ex will contact, regardless. So it's better to go NC.

[mitchapalooza]

It's been 3 weeks since my ex blind-sided me and we broke up. It's been arguably the toughest 3 weeks I've gone through. I took the advice of many a day or two after the breakup, and implemented NC and deleted her phone number and all forms of social media connection we had. Every single damn day I have thought about her and held strong hope she would eventually contact me in hopes for reconciliation a few months down the line. I grieved for 2 weeks non-stop. Part of the reason for this false pretense of hope was because I broke all forms of contact with her, so in my mind, I was imagining herself going through a very difficult time with this breakup, too. After all, we did love each other deeply for over a year, and the breakup event was emotional for her too.

 

 

That is until last night. A friend of mine who is a mutual friend of hers told me about her FB and Instagram activities. I was hurt so badly by this. This ungreatefull b**** has been going out partying, having fun, like no tomorrow. She's posted a bunch of pictures, I mean a bunch, which is so sooooo unlike her. She is taking selfies, getting comments for others, responding back to them and now she let the whole world know that she's traveling to Vegas for Labor Day weekend.

 

 

So my point is, the NC thing sometimes isn't the best because you can have a false sense of hope, as in my case that your ex is going through a difficult time, when in reality it couldn't be more further form the truth!!!! Sometimes, it's better to inquire or be informed on your ex's whereabouts because it lets reality sink in. This really opened my eyes. I'm a lot more hurt than I was two days ago because it's now starting to hit me that this is over. Had I not seen this, I probably would've still carried the hope of her trying to reconcile.

 

 

Thr same thing happened to me this weekend. I'm the dumpee and this weekend I helped bartend an event at our bar. I blocked him and all his buddies on Facebook because I do not want to see him out and acting thirsty on Facebook (his favorite place to do work).

 

He did not block my friends and unfortunately he had to see my wonderful face pop up all over on the old news feed. Although it looked like I was having the time of my life... I was just putting on a happy face for the sake of work. I ended up crying myself to sleep that night and the next morning. Don't let public image fool you. I also received a screen shot from a friend showing him changing his profile pic to him flipping off the camera. Probably not directly for me but ironic.

 

I know it's not for me because I've been through this before with him and pointed out that sometimes we put on a fake smile until our real one comes back. He text me today about getting his tool back and I said of course. No begging for me back or anything. He's just over it.

 

Anyways, I asked the screenshotter to not send me anything else. I would ask your good meaning friends to do then same unless you ask them to. Its just too hard. Hang in there you will get through this. just like I will (I hope). Lol

[darkbloom]

You're only 3 weeks into NC. The breakup is still fresh and you are still reeling from the shock of it.

 

NC only works if you are truly NC. You need to have your friends pretend she is dead and not share any of her social media info with you. You should also not go check it after someone informs you that something is on there. Social media is an illusion. It portrays the world as she wants other people to see it, not how it actually is.

 

She broke up with you so she is free to post whatever she wants. You run into trouble when you start reading deeper into it. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. Any thing else is just false hope.