Leaa Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Long story short - my boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me in July. It was over a heated argument via text while he was away with his friends. To be fair, I was being insecure and a little crazy. He said he was done fighting and missed his freedom. I figured we would talk about it when he got back from vacation and it would be fine. He wouldn't give me the chance and even though we talked, it was a heated few weeks. However, for the past 3 weeks about we have been on really good terms. We see each other a few times a week and he's taken me out on some dates. He says he loves me and misses me and when we're together it feels like it did when we first started dating. However, when we're not physically together, i don't really hear from him. I'll text him and he won't answer or he'll give me short answers. I guess this is what he needs to justify that we are "not in a relationship". When I bring up a relationship he gets angry, but the other day he told me he would think about it. He keeps saying he knows if we get back together it will fall into the same routine of my picking fights and getting mad at him for staying out late or seeing his friends. So even though he says he wants no one else, and he sees us together and still wants to move in with me, he won't put a label on it. Cause he's scared of getting hurt again, i guess. But for me, it feels like i only have a 1/2 boyfriend and it's hard. Last night I texted him, our conversation went like this: me: will you ever give me a straight answer? him: I told you I don't know, and that's my answer. me: well thats not really fair to me. him: I told you I wanted to think about it. You didn't let me. You wanted a yes or no answer. So since I can't think about it, I don't wanna be forced into a relationship that i'm not sure of. goodnight.
hyrule Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 No, you were not wrong. Despite the fights and whatnot, he seemed like he wanted to keep you just as a "spare" in case he doesn't find anyone else, because he knows you like him. I don't wanna be forced into a relationship that i'm not sure of. goodnight. This is what you need to know. Now move on and be free.
Redhead14 Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Long story short - my boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me in July. It was over a heated argument via text while he was away with his friends. To be fair, I was being insecure and a little crazy. He said he was done fighting and missed his freedom. I figured we would talk about it when he got back from vacation and it would be fine. He wouldn't give me the chance and even though we talked, it was a heated few weeks. However, for the past 3 weeks about we have been on really good terms. We see each other a few times a week and he's taken me out on some dates. He says he loves me and misses me and when we're together it feels like it did when we first started dating. However, when we're not physically together, i don't really hear from him. I'll text him and he won't answer or he'll give me short answers. I guess this is what he needs to justify that we are "not in a relationship". When I bring up a relationship he gets angry, but the other day he told me he would think about it. He keeps saying he knows if we get back together it will fall into the same routine of my picking fights and getting mad at him for staying out late or seeing his friends. So even though he says he wants no one else, and he sees us together and still wants to move in with me, he won't put a label on it. Cause he's scared of getting hurt again, i guess. But for me, it feels like i only have a 1/2 boyfriend and it's hard. Last night I texted him, our conversation went like this: me: will you ever give me a straight answer? him: I told you I don't know, and that's my answer. me: well thats not really fair to me. him: I told you I wanted to think about it. You didn't let me. You wanted a yes or no answer. So since I can't think about it, I don't wanna be forced into a relationship that i'm not sure of. goodnight. It is ok to discuss what you want for youself and do it once. You give him time to do the thinking he needs to do. You don't mentioned again in a few days. In the meantime, you start working on and demonstrating that you are mature enough to allow him to have some freedom if he is in a relationship with him. Right now, you are not and have been giving him a hard time even now about letting him do what he needs to do for himself. So what he sees is that if he's in a relationship with you, he's not going to have any freedom. That being said, though, it's about balance. If a man isn't balancing his need for personal time and spending time with you at least, he's probably not going to do that later either. You don't give an ultimatum. You tell him you'll give him some time. In your mind, however, you set a time limit for YOURSELF, of say 3 months or 6 whatever you have patience for, and then revisit it. If he doesn't give you the answer you hope for at that time, you tell him you are moving on. Plain and simple. 2
empresario Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Ultimatums never work out. They are upsetting for the person giving it, and come off aggressive/threatening to the person receiving it. That being said, this is where you go NC. He doesn't want you. I think you need to hear it bluntly. He does not want you to be his girlfriend/wife. He may someday...but at this point does he really deserve you? 1
PegNosePete Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 2 months is plenty long enough for him to decide whether he wants to be in a relationship or not. In these circumstances anything other than "yes", is "no". You have your answer already. Don't let him muck you around any longer. 2
SawtoothMars Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Last night I texted him, our conversation went like this: me: will you ever give me a straight answer? him: I told you I don't know, and that's my answer. me: well thats not really fair to me. him: I told you I wanted to think about it. You didn't let me. You wanted a yes or no answer. So since I can't think about it, I don't wanna be forced into a relationship that i'm not sure of. goodnight. You have been a control freak. That is not good. Without the official GF label, he feels your ability to be controlling is diminished. Any man worthwhile man would have dumped you. I think you have crapped on this relationship to the point where he will never be able to feel right about you. He may still have feelings, and that is why he is hanging around. Perhaps he is hoping you will change. Will you change? I don't see any sign of it. 3
ChicagoSparty Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Ultimatums have no place in relationships. If the relationship (or lack of relationship) is at the point where an ultimatum needs to be issued, then it's probably over. If I were you...having been in a similar situation...I would move on. I really, really, REALLLLLLLLY wish I had. 4
Keenly Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 It sounds like this whole thing started because you aren't giving him space when you two aren't together. He called a break, or something like that, and you kept not giving him space. You are pushing him away by demanding he feels \ acts the same way you do in a relationship. let him be, and if he wants to come back, he will come back. 2
mrldii Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Personally, I don't "give ultimatums"; I "set (and hold) standards" and walk the walk while talking the talk. Subtle but important difference. His inability (real or imagined) to be in a relationship - when it is important to me to be in a relationship - is what would cause me to go NC and mean it. So, in a way, I agree with your ex-boyfriend: stop talking about it and just do it. Best of luck to you, OP... 2
J21 Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 I would have been gone once you gave me an ultimatum. My rationale is you'll resort to this tactic every time you want something or if something doesn't go your way "Buy me a XXX or else I'm breaking up!!!!!!!" No thank you.
stillafool Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 You can give him an ultimatum but he will move on. He likes his freedom now that he has it and doesn't have to put up with being nagged. I doubt seriously he is going to want to go back to the way things were and it doesn't sound like they've changed one bit. Your mistake was agreeing to still date him after he said he needed space and freedom. You immediately fell into a FWB type of relationship which was pleasing for him and frustrating for you. You should have went on your way and started dating other men which would have given your ex time to miss you. Now he has everything he wants and yes he may be dating others as well as you so why would he want to come back?
Maggie4 Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 If you didn't have means to communicate when you're apart, your relationship will probably be fine. Put away your phone and computer. Some people really get carried away. You end up saying things you wouldn't have said face to face. And it means the ability to contact someone 24/7 and expect reply within minutes, and monitor others through social media. This abuse of technology is ruining too many relationships! 1
nescafe1982 Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 2 months is plenty long enough for him to decide whether he wants to be in a relationship or not. In these circumstances anything other than "yes", is "no". You have your answer already. Don't let him muck you around any longer. This. I would only add that folks should never fight over text message, but I think you've understood that already. OP, pursuing this one further will only waste your time and lead to more heartache. Run in the opposite direction; don't desperately await his verdict because he's stringing you along.
katiegrl Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 (edited) OP, you and this guy are a total mis-match. He needs a woman more independent, less clingy, who enjoys and needs her OWN space .....and you need a man who prefers more "togetherness" and LESS space. As a result, you continue to nag him (which is how HE views your behavior), which clearly annoys the hell out of him, turns him OFF and pushes him away, and you are left frustrated with HIS behavior, unhappy and hurt. This is a toxic combination, and it is not likely to get better...no matter how hard you push, prod and plead with him to *change* and give you more. He doesn't want to give you more...and again you can't "make" him want to give you more. He either wants to all on his own, or he doesn't. And it's pretty clear he doesn't. Wish him the best and walk away (quietly) and look for a guy who wants what you want and is capable and desirous of giving it to you. Learn from this. I'm sorry. Edited September 1, 2015 by katiegrl
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