prufrock Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 I am a divorced OM and have been in an affair with a MW for the past 6 years. I have had hopes for a future together with her but she has not taken any steps towards a lasting union with me. I am very disappointed about this and am contemplating moving on from this relationship but am hesitating as we have built up a very strong attachment and emotional bond for each other. I really do not want to break up but I guess I should as deep down I know there is probably no hope for a future together. We talk and text several times a day and see each other at least once a week. What is the best way of going through a break up like this? I find the prospect of implementing a 'no contact' policy too extreme. Are there gentler, easier ways of going about this???
PegNosePete Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Spouses very rarely leave their husband/wives for their affair partners. You're living in a dream world. And even if she did, what would you have? a relationship with a cheater. Do you think that makes her good long term material? How long until she has another affair with someone else? If she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you. Tell her that you can't carry on the relationship any more and go NC. Why is that "extreme"? No, extreme would be stripping naked, painting yourself red and writing "it's over" 100 times over on the front of her husband's car. NC is not extreme, it's normal when you want to get over a relationship. To turn it on it's head, why would you not go NC? What would you have to gain from continued contact with an ex-affair partner? 1
Christos Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 I agree with PegNosePete. And to add to that: You deserve no sympathy for your situation, you are actually a bad person and deserve remaining alone. Why go for a married woman? And stay with her for 6 years, hoping for her to destroy her marriage and maybe family/kids' life? Is she the only woman in the area? No? You couldn't find another one? You just had to hit on her specifically? I can't feel sorry for you pal, nope, sorry...
Author prufrock Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 Well, we talk about a lot of day-to-day stuff and give each other advice about work, friends, etc. I know I would miss the contact terribly and find no contact very difficult and I think she would too. Is there no way to maintain contact as just friends (ie, without the physical intimacy)? Or do people usually end up being sucked into the affair again if they maintain contact?
PegNosePete Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Remaining friends will make it harder for you to move on. What will your next girlfriend think? "Oh I am still friends with a married woman with whom I had a 6 year affair". Any self respecting new gf would ditch you so fast you'd get whiplash. Don't jeopardize your future for the sake of your past. 1
Author prufrock Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 Thank you, PegNosePete, I appreciate your thoughts and insights. I am not looking into getting into another relationship right away and was thinking that maintaining contact might be an easier way of getting over the relationship gradually.
PegNosePete Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 No, like any addiction, cold turkey is best. 1
Gus Grimly Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 The one thing I've learned from being in a relationship with a married woman who's been unfaithful to her husband is that the craving for something new will always linger. The woman I had been seeing divorced her husband to be with me, a few years down the road I caught her with a guy. Fortunately for me, she not too bright so I caught it right away (she left her OKCupid profile logged on with a message telling the guy how horny she was, pulled up on the computer). 1
mightycpa Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 You're sad because she won't leave husband. You want to cut off affair, but you don't want to miss her too much, or go through excess difficulty while you detach from this woman. It's all about you, isn't it? By all means, keep in touch. You'll probably find that you guys slip into each others' arms again, and then you'll break it off, and backslide, and so on and so forth until someone tires of that game or the husband finds out, whichever comes first. I'm curious why you don't just force her hand, by getting a friend to surreptitiously take pictures of you consummating the affair and have that friend send them to the husband? Isn't that really what you want?
Author prufrock Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 I'm curious why you don't just force her hand, by getting a friend to surreptitiously take pictures of you consummating the affair and have that friend send them to the husband? Isn't that really what you want? I had fantasized about doing something along those lines, but decided that it's not my place to do something like that. This has to be her decision. Six years is a long time to be addicted and I have become too dependent on this 'drug'. This is why the NC option seems so unpalatable. No addict wants to go through those withdrawal symptoms. It is hard to look beyond this period to a time when things will be better. I do not have a lot going for myself in terms of age, health, finances, etc. and am not hopeful of finding someone else after this. This is why I am wavering and thinking that maybe having someone (even if I am only on the sidelines) is better than having nobody at all.
Seeker12 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Prufrock, without being biased etc. as it takes two to tango, the situation is seriously muddied, a married woman would probably rather stay in her marriage and have both pieces of the pie, some extra on the side with a man she can leave (so an ego and self esteem boost) so you can see where you really stand in her life, whilst maintaining her normal life...which is her husband and children and giving them some stability. Ultimately unless her marriage has hit the rocks she wont be budging so youll probably have to push it and make her yours, but then again youll be living with someone whose cheated, you know how they have cheated and all the tricks in their book, you helped them, so in a legitimate relationship youll always worry if she is cheating on you. If you force it she might hate you, youll lose her, she will lose her husband and kids, and hate you even more, so both your lives are damaged. Unless she willingly chooses to leave her marriage for you, based on legitimate reasons why she cheated in the first place, i cant see it ending in a good way for anybody, not even the kids or the pets. NC mate, let this one go and leave her either with the guilt of cheating, not owning up and losing you, or the desperation in finding another person to cheat with. Once that buzz of cheating goes and you become a daily part of her life, then pretty soon youll be in the same position as her current husband.
PegNosePete Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 No addict wants to go through those withdrawal symptoms. Of course, but if you're an alcoholic, which is worse? To go through withdrawl, or to "cut back slightly" which means you'll be back exactly where you are within a month? There's only one way to quit the addiction and that is to QUIT. I am wavering and thinking that maybe having someone (even if I am only on the sidelines) is better than having nobody at all. Dude. Would she really be there for you when you need her? If you lost your job would she be there to support you financially and morally while you find another? If you were taken into hospital would she be there to sit by your bedside? If you needed a kidney, would she give you one? Would she make sure the nurses in the old folks home are treating you right? No. She would do all those things for her husband. But not for you. Now end this sham of a relationship, and find a proper one!! 2
angel.eyes Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 (edited) Try to set yourself up for success so you don't backslide once you cut contact. What do you like to do for fun? Do you have any hobbies? Are you athletic? Spend the next couple of days figuring out a few hobbies that can fill your time, especially the times you would normally spend with her or waiting for her calls/texts. Ideally pick stuff that's social--playing soccer or some other sport, a boardgames meetup group, a book club, volunteering at your local animal shelter,...whatever. You need to be surrounded by other people when the urge hits. Also, most people in your position have lost their social circle because they constantly have to lie, hide, and sneak around. I'm guessing you feel pretty isolated. Work on recreating your social circle. Then, if you don't have one yet, line up a therapist and get your first appointment set up. Do you have friends you've confided in about the affair? Let them know you're ending it, and set up dinners or outings with them over the next few days and weeks. Stay busy. Put together a list of all the things that you've lost or sacrificed as a result of the affair. Make copies, and stick them in your wallet and post them anywhere that normally triggers you to contact her. When you get the urge to reach out, read the list. Write her an email telling her you're ending it and you want zero further contract with her. That should she contact you again, even to acknowledge your email, you'll inform her husband of the affair and provide evidence. Then block her on social media, your phone and email. Addicts need support while quitting cold turkey. To maximize your chances of breaking free, get some in place. Try to focus on moving forward to a better, healthier life. It's there if you stick with this. You may feel you'll never find someone else. But you will. However, it won't happen as long as you're still emotionally attached to her. You can do this! Edited September 2, 2015 by angel.eyes 1
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