So this happened.

[Hardtofocus]

Hey All,

 

Been a bit of lurker on here for quite some time. Made a post about six months ago regarding a very recent break up. But in those six months i have done everything needed to better myself and focus entirely on me. And believe it or not...It worked exactly like you said it would. Started new hobbies, back to the gym, made new friends. About a month and a half ago, i was genuinely feeling past the previous relationship.

 

So i was going on dates and what not, and along the way, i met someone new at one of the hobbies i picked up. A friend of mine introduced us and we hit it off pretty well. Been dating over a month now and everything is going absolutely great. So much so, that since we've met, thoughts of the ex literally never entered my head anymore. Until last night.

 

We have been briefly in touch over the last 6 months seeing how we are etc.Basic small talk and then back to NC. This was fine with me as i was so utterly focused on improving myself i didn't see it as breadcrumbs or anything like that.

 

So i get a text last night from the ex, asking how i was and asking to meet up. I was shocked really. We texted back and forth where i said it wasn't a good idea to meet up. She seemed very upset by this. A few more text back and forth but in the end she said what she was honestly thinking. That it was a mistake to break up, and that she was hoping for us to meet again as single people and see how it goes. Whilst i have no intention of meeting up with her to see how it goes, I do want to make sure i don't make her feel worse. And by that i mean, telling her I've met someone else. We didn't break up badly by any means. At the time i struggled with it, but now i can see it with a better perspective. It wasn't a healthy relationship.

 

Also, I have every intention of telling the person im currently seeing about this, not every detail as there is no need for everything but be honest about it. I know its what i would want.

 

I suppose why i'm posting here is that I genuinely want to let her down gently without making her feel worse. We were together for 7 years and it's the first time i haven't helped her out with something. So she probably wasn't expecting that. It's also the first time where i can see she is genuinely struggling with it.

 

Most people are saying be honest and say I've met someone else. But as i say I've known this girl for a long time. And I'm not sure that would be a great idea if her mental health is weaker right now. I feel it would be like trying to "Twist the knife" if that analogy makes any sense!

Edited September 1, 2015 by Hardtofocus

[Samuel_22]

Hey All,

 

Been a bit of lurker on here for quite some time. Made a post about six months ago regarding a very recent break up. But in those six months i have done everything needed to better myself and focus entirely on me. And believe it or not...It worked exactly like you said it would. Started new hobbies, back to the gym, made new friends. About a month and a half ago, i was genuinely feeling past the previous relationship.

 

So i was going on dates and what not, and along the way, i met someone new at one of the hobbies i picked up. A friend of mine introduced us and we hit it off pretty well. Been dating over a month now and everything is going absolutely great. So much so, that since we've met, thoughts of the ex literally never entered my head anymore. Until last night.

 

We have been briefly in touch over the last 6 months seeing how we are etc.Basic small talk and then back to NC. This was fine with me as i was so utterly focused on improving myself i didn't see it as breadcrumbs or anything like that.

 

So i get a text last night from the ex, asking how i was and asking to meet up. I was shocked really. We texted back and forth where i said it wasn't a good idea to meet up. She seemed very upset by this. A few more text back and forth but in the end she said what she was honestly thinking. That it was a mistake to break up, and that she was hoping for us to meet again as single people and see how it goes. Whilst i have no intention of meeting up with her to see how it goes, I do want to make sure i don't make her feel worse. And by that i mean, telling her I've met someone else. We didn't break up badly by any means. At the time i struggled with it, but now i can see it with a better perspective. It wasn't a healthy relationship.

 

Also, I have every intention of telling the person im currently seeing about this, not every detail as there is no need for everything but be honest about it. I know its what i would want.

 

I suppose why i'm posting here is that I genuinely want to let her down gently without making her feel worse. We were together for 7 years and it's the first time i haven't helped her out with something. So she probably wasn't expecting that. It's also the first time where i can see she is genuinely struggling with it.

 

Most people are saying be honest and say I've met someone else. But as i say I've known this girl for a long time. And I'm not sure that would be a great idea if her mental health is weaker right now. I feel it would be like trying to "Twist the knife" if that analogy makes any sense!

If I were you, I would twist that knife hard, But that is just me... I suppose she broke up with you! remember all those days and nights you were in pain? she was so fun...well man I was a nice guy once, but I can't be nice anymore, if my girl showed up I would twist the knife hard in her heart, she stabbed me in the back and I can't forgive her, although I would say, wait see what others have got to say! right now I am a creature of hatred!!!

[FancyFace]

First mistake was engaging with her in the first place. Second mistake was/is putting her feelings and wellbeing above yours. You are worried about something that really doesnt need you to worry about. You simply state that you do not want to meet and she should respect your decision. You wish her well and the best going forward. Full stop. The End. Finito.

 

You dont have to justify to her why you don't want to meet up and engage with her. Once she stopped being your partner, all bets are off.

 

I think the most important thing you need to think about is whether you are actually in a position to date. You are so willing to saddle the new person with information that you are scared to tell your ex about because you care so much for her feelings. As if she cared much about yours during the breakup. You might want to rexamine whether your priorities are in the right place, whether this is a rebound where you are gonna end up hurting the other person or whether you dont want to tell your ex for fear that it will really shut the door on you guys getting back together, which is exactly what you really want. Just some food for thought.

[Hardtofocus]

First mistake was engaging with her in the first place. Second mistake was/is putting her feelings and wellbeing above yours. You are worried about something that really doesnt need you to worry about. You simply state that you do not want to meet and she should respect your decision. You wish her well and the best going forward. Full stop. The End. Finito.

 

You dont have to justify to her why you don't want to meet up and engage with her. Once she stopped being your partner, all bets are off.

 

I think the most important thing you need to think about is whether you are actually in a position to date. You are so willing to saddle the new person with information that you are scared to tell your ex about because you care so much for her feelings. As if she cared much about yours during the breakup. You might want to rexamine whether your priorities are in the right place, whether this is a rebound where you are gonna end up hurting the other person or whether you dont want to tell your ex for fear that it will really shut the door on you guys getting back together, which is exactly what you really want. Just some food for thought.

 

If I were you, I would twist that knife hard, But that is just me... I suppose she broke up with you! remember all those days and nights you were in pain? she was so fun...well man I was a nice guy once, but I can't be nice anymore, if my girl showed up I would twist the knife hard in her heart, she stabbed me in the back and I can't forgive her, although I would say, wait see what others have got to say! right now I am a creature of hatred!!!

 

I know exactly what you mean Samuel. If i had got this text a few months ago, I would probably be applying that advice. Like with almost every break up, someone gets hurt. And i did. But i tried to apply every bit of advice i got from others and better myself. It helped alot which made me move along alot faster. But thats just me. If i asked the same question a few months ago, I would probably be applying some of your advice! Thanks for the reply.

[Hardtofocus]

First mistake was engaging with her in the first place. Second mistake was/is putting her feelings and wellbeing above yours. You are worried about something that really doesnt need you to worry about. You simply state that you do not want to meet and she should respect your decision. You wish her well and the best going forward. Full stop. The End. Finito.

 

You dont have to justify to her why you don't want to meet up and engage with her. Once she stopped being your partner, all bets are off.

 

I think the most important thing you need to think about is whether you are actually in a position to date. You are so willing to saddle the new person with information that you are scared to tell your ex about because you care so much for her feelings. As if she cared much about yours during the breakup. You might want to rexamine whether your priorities are in the right place, whether this is a rebound where you are gonna end up hurting the other person or whether you dont want to tell your ex for fear that it will really shut the door on you guys getting back together, which is exactly what you really want. Just some food for thought.

 

You're absolutely right FancyFace. I am putting her feelings ahead of mine. And I'm being honest with you here, I shouldn't be at all. Her feelings should have absolutely nothing to do with me anymore. To answer you're other questions, I personally don't think it's a rebound. Thats probably something everyone says but thats how i feel.

 

I've also just text her telling her i don't want to meet up as it holds no purpose. Wishing her well but our communication needs to stop here. I suppose i needed someone to spell it out honestly. Not my responsibility anymore to make her feel better. Thanks again for you're reply.

[BriNyc82]

It seems like you both do care about each other in some capacity, given the fact that you do care how she feels. But like everyone on here is saying, why does her well being come before yours?

 

I think you did the right thing. You don't need to go into detail about your new gf. She will probably figure it out soon enough anyway. You denied her request to meet up and told her you guys need to go separate ways. The end.

[Marc878]

You've moved on.

 

Block her permanently.

 

Nothing good will ever come out of this.

 

Get on with your life.

[Keenly]

If she broke up with you, you can simply explain that she left you, and you moved past it.

 

You don't need to explain yourself any further. She will hopefully get the message and even better she can use this life lesson to learn that when you find people you care about, you stick with them.

[kismetkismet]

Why is everyone so insanely harsh, like exes are inevitably evil?? MOST relationships end, that doesn't mean that every person that has been in a relationship that has ended is a bad person.. I know that some relationships do end badly and you need space and no contact etc.. blocking sometimes if the person continues to pester you or if you're having trouble not creeping them.. But sometimes people just break up because they realize they weren't meant to be together even though they care about each other... Stop being so bitter and realize that you're only making yourself feel worse by not letting it go and being the bigger person...

 

ANYWAY - OP, it seems to me like you're doing the right thing. You care about her feelings even though the relationship has ended and that's very big and mature of you. But you don't have to explain to her why you don't want to see her. You can just say that you need to move on and think that you guys made the right decision in breaking up and that it's still too soon to be friends (obviously if she's expressing wanting to get back together). You don't have to tell her about the new girl if you don't want to because you've only been dating a month and it doesn't sound like it's official. If she continues pushing you for a reason then you can let her know.